by Cole Lepley
I feel a pang of guilt myself. I never told her about Rome either. With all that’s been going on and my indecision about football, it’s been the furthest thing from my mind.
“Okay,” I drawl. “That doesn’t mean this has to end. It’s not like you’d be gone forever.”
“No, but…”
I take her face in my hands, cutting her off. “Mack, stop. Stop looking for reasons for this to end.” I move my thumb across her cheek, and when she looks at me I wish I had something better to say. I honestly believe we were brought together for a reason. The only thing left is to get her to admit she believes it too.
Her lip trembles. “I’m sorry, Judah.” When her eyes squeeze shut tight, she shakes her head. “I can’t do this.”
Even though I want to, I won’t beg her to stay. I deserved to lose the bet. No matter how hard I tried not to, I fell for another girl who doesn’t want to be with me.
Without giving it a second thought, I lean forward and kiss her forehead. “I hope you find what you’re looking for.”
I arrive early for our Monday morning practice. Coach scheduled a few extra ones this week because of the Homecoming game on Friday. Not that I’m looking forward to it or anything. Even though I’ll be playing when the game starts, there’s still two hours scheduled before where I’ll be dancing around in a sketchy bear costume that was violated last weekend.
I’m fully dressed by the time most of my teammates stagger into the locker room. Preston strolls in beside me with a cocky grin.
“What’s up, player? You look distressed.”
I lower my head and continue shoving the rest of my things in my locker. “I’m cool.”
He lets out a snicker, and it digs at the residual anger that’s been building inside of me since yesterday. I slam my locker shut and turn to glare at him.
“What’s so fucking funny?”
His eyes widen, but the grin remains. He holds his hands up. “Easy, man. I was just messing with ya.” He gives my shoulder a squeeze and I shrug him off forcefully.
“Well, maybe I’m not in the mood for your shit today.”
The amusement vanishes from his face, morphing into a scowl. “Well, maybe you need to get your shit together before you lose it again and cost us this season.”
He pokes me in the chest and I get that metallic taste in the back of my throat. The last thing I want is to go off the rails on one of my friends, but he’s testing the minimal patience I have left.
“Are you serious?” I grit out, clenching my fist into a tight ball. “I’ve been working my ass off this entire season.”
He rolls his eyes. “Yeah, between whining around about Elliot and now this new one,” he shakes his head and lets out a whistle. “Well, she takes the cake, player. You sure know how to pick the ones who aren’t worth your time.”
My temper boils. No matter how upset I am with her the moment, I’m not willing to have someone speak poorly of her.
His back is now turned to me and I grab him by the shirt. When he spins around, I pin him against the locker with my forearm on his throat. “Don’t you ever talk about her again.”
He tries to lunge forward, but I hold him back. His nostrils flare. “You want to hit me, player? Just fucking do it.” His voice is strained due the pressure I’m still applying to his windpipe.
Before I can decide whether to take him up on that, a loud voice booms behind us.
“Holloway! Have you lost your fucking mind, boy?”
I release Preston and turn to see coach red-faced and as angry as a hornet. He points behind him. “Get it my office. Now.”
The rest of the team, that has remained silent until now, lets out a collective ‘ooh’ like I just got sent to the principals’ office. I guess I kinda did.
He’s seated at his desk when I step in the office with his hands crossed in front of him. “Close the door.” His voice is low and ominous and I take a breath.
I sit in front of him, full on prepared for the verbal assault I’m about to take.
“Do you want to know what I did yesterday?” he asks, his voice calm.
I swallow hard. “Okay.”
He laughs once, but not out of humor. “I spent the entire day convincing the board not to expel you from the team.” My stomach drops further when he pauses. “Do you know why?”
I nod. It’s always a risk to hit someone like Sean. I knew that and I did it, anyway. My lack of self-control has been my downfall many times before, but now, it may bury me.
I lower my face into my hands and speak through my fingers. “It wasn’t that bad.”
His fist slams onto his desk and I sit up straighter. “Not that bad? How do you think it looked to have that fight with the quarterback from Yale live streaming on fucking Instagram?”
I release a hiss through my teeth. Preston is such an asshole. His careless need to have every fucking detail of his life broadcast live to the entire world may have just cost me my football career.
“Pretty bad,” I say.
“Yeah, pretty fucking bad, Judah.” He stands up from his desk and paces around the office. “Do you have any idea how many times I went to bat for you since you started for this team?”
When I open my mouth to answer, he holds up his hand. “More than I have for any other player in my ten-year history with the University. I see the potential in you, the greatness you have to excel at this sport. And what do you do? You make me regret it every single time by acting irrationally.”
I let my head fall. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be fucking sorry,” he growls. “Do better. Show me you deserve to be on this team as much as I know you do.”
I nod. “I will. I promise I won’t mess this up again.”
His jaw ticks and he gives me a nod back. “Well, I hope you don’t.” He retakes his seat behind his desk. “You’re suspended from the game this Friday.”
I grit my teeth, but it’s the least of what could have happened. “Okay,” I say, defeated. “I accept that.”
He laughs again. “You accept that, huh? You should be thanking your lucky fucking stars you’re still a part of this team.”
“You’re right. I’m very grateful… I…”
“Enough,” he says, cutting me off again. “You’ll be at the game on Friday, but you’re not playing.” A cynical smile flashes on his face. “We still need a mascot.”
My jaw clenches and I hold back whatever smart-ass response is on the tip of my tongue. “I guess I deserve that.”
With a flick of his hand, he turns to his computer. “Now get out of my office. I don’t want to see you for the rest of the week.”
Dragging my wounded pride behind me, I stand up from my seat and walk back out into the locker room. You could hear a pin drop as I gather up my things and walk toward the exit. My footsteps echo all the way to the double doors that lead out into the parking lot.
When my phone buzzes in my pocket, I almost ignore it. At the last second, I decide not to. As soon as I slide my finger across the screen a familiar voice fills my ears.
“What’s up, pussy?”
I laugh for the first real time in the past two days. “Hey, Ollie.”
He chuckles back. “You coming home this weekend? I have big plans.”
My eyes drift back to the field for a moment while I contemplate my answer. I’ve tried so hard this year to make everything right and now it’s fucked worse than ever. I lost my girl, my spot in one of the most important games of the year, and most importantly, the respect of my coach. I’m not sure what else I have left to lose.
Fuck it. “Yeah, I’ll be home. Hit me up on Saturday. I’m down for anything.”
I can clearly picture the smirk on Ollie’s face. “That sounds fucking perfect.”
Chapter 28
Stay
Mackenzie
Sean doesn’t lock his phone. It doesn’t surprise me when I really think about it. He never had a problem sharing things with other people.
I’ve been laying on my bed staring at the blank screen for almost an hour now. For Judah to know that Sean kept all the videos, he must have looked at them.
I really hope he didn’t.
My finger slides across the screen, lighting up as his display appears. He has several missed calls and quite a few missed texts. I take a quick note that none of them are girls. I can’t imagine someone else being okay with how he is. Or maybe that was just for me?
I scroll through his photos, pausing when I get to the ones of us. Not the naked, sordid ones, but the normal ones. He kept those too. We weren’t always enclosed in a world of drugged up exhibitionism. To be honest, most of the time we acted like a regular couple. All I ever wanted was for that to be enough. I never understood why he needed what he did. Why couldn’t he just have me?
A soft knock on my door pulls me from my snooping and I shove the phone under my pillow as the door opens. Perry pokes his head in.
“You busy?”
Sitting up, I shake my head. “No, not at all.”
He leans in my doorway, bracing his arms on either side of the door jam. “I have to leave soon.”
“I figured you would.”
He gives me a hard once over. “Yeah, but I don’t know if I should.”
Pushing myself off the bed, I walk over to him. “Perry, I’m fine.” I give him a playful shove in the chest, but he doesn’t budge. “Seriously. I’m sure you have shit you need to get back to at home.”
He laughs, and it’s bitter. “Yeah, you have no idea.”
“You’re still working with dad, right?”
He shakes his head. “No, actually. I’m working with Bishop.”
My eyes widen. He hasn’t touched a tattoo gun in years. I wonder what prompted this change?
“I’m happy you’re doing something you enjoy for once. I think that’s a good thing.”
I keep my tone hopeful, although I’m not so sure. When Perry left, things fell apart. In a lot of ways, he kept me together through the years. Having an older brother to look out for you most of your life is something you come to rely on. I didn’t just lose Perry that day, I lost myself too.
My father always blamed him for that. He thought Perry was too irrational and worried about the image it depicted for the family, not about the reason he did it.
“We’ll see,” he says, doubt still clouding his features. He pulls his arms down and crosses them over his chest. “What about Judah? You really gonna to let that dude suffer now?”
My face twists at his words. “I don’t think being without me will cause Judah to suffer.” I push past him. “I’m doing him a favor.”
It doesn’t take long for Perry to catch up to me as I’m rounding the corner into the living room. Zander won’t be home for most of the night, so that leaves plenty of time for Perry to annoy me with a million questions I don’t want to answer.
“I’ll admit,” he says, taking a seat on the chair. “When I saw him slumped over in the hallway, I wasn’t sure if I’d like the kid. There was something about how intense it seemed for him to be that torn up over you.” He leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees as I take the seat across from him. “But after I talked to him a bit, I realized I knew why he was doing it.”
My throat closes up and I struggle to get words to come out. “Why’s that?”
Perry’s face softens. “It was love, Mack.” When my eyes widen, he laughs a little and holds his hand up. “Maybe not the scary, can’t-live-without-you love you’re thinking about, but the kind of love that makes you willing to do anything to make sure that person never feels pain.” He takes a breath. “And if they ever did, you would do anything to take it away. I know how that feels, and I think Judah does too.”
I lower my eyes to the hands clasped together in my lap. “I can’t stop thinking about it. I’ve wanted to call him so many times, but I don’t know what to say.” I lift my head and shrug as a tear slips down my cheek. “I miss him.”
He reached over and pats my knee. “I’m sure he misses you, too.” He sits back in his seat and lights a cigarette. “Like a-fucking-lot.” He takes a long drag, smiling to himself. “You should’ve seen his face when I kidnapped him for breakfast. It was so funny, he was so nervous trying to impress me and shit. You know, because I’m so fucking cool and all.”
I sputter a laugh. “Yeah, that’s why.”
“It is,” he protests, pointing his finger at me. “You know I’m fucking cool, Mack. Everybody wishes they could be like me.”
I’m not sure where Perry got his confidence from, but I’d like to borrow some at the moment. I cross my legs and bounce my foot.
“Maybe I should just go to the game on Friday and tell him I’m sorry. That I changed my mind.”
Perry nods, inhaling again. “You could do that.” He reaches over and flicks his long ash into the ashtray on the coffee table. “Or you could go upstairs right now and tell him.”
“I don’t know.” I chew on the tip of my thumbnail. My entire body feels like a giant ball of nerves. Confessing to Judah that my feelings for him are stronger than I let on is something I’m terrified to do. I keep worrying it’s the wrong time. That I’m not ready to let someone into my heart again, even though deep down inside, I know he’s already there.
“Think about it,” Perry says, pulling me back from my scattered thoughts. He stands up and nods to the door. “I have some shit to take care of, but I’ll be back later.”
I eye him curiously as he moves to put on his boots. “Like what?”
“Don’t you worry about it,” he says, flashing a smirk. His cigarette still burns in the corner of his mouth when he reaches for his jacket. “Do yourself a favor and go talk to him. You know you’re just going to sit down here wishing you were all night, anyway.”
I don’t reply and he gives me one last look before walking out of the door and closing it behind him. I stare at it for so long my eyes almost go crossed. Shaking it off, I stand up and move back to my bedroom. Perry doesn’t understand what it feels like to be cautious about things. I know what I can handle by now. Even after everything I’ve been through, my feelings for Judah scare me the most.
By Friday afternoon, my lack of self control wavers. I heard around campus that Judah got suspended from the game because of the fight. He was supposed to still be the mascot, but rumor has it, he’s not going at all.
Zander says he saw him in the hallway once this week, but I’ve been able to avoid him completely. I know his schedule so well and it wasn’t hard to plan my day around not running into him.
I’m sitting cross-legged on the couch with my sketch pad between my legs when Zander strolls into the room sporting his Cornell sweater and designer jeans. The scent of his cologne fills the entire room more with each step.
“Who are you all dressed up for?” I waggle my eyebrows at him and he winks.
He leans down to grab his shoes. “Mark and I are going to Homecoming.”
“Together?”
He laughs. “Yes, together. He decided that he didn’t want to hide anymore and I decided that, well… I decided it was time for me to take the plunge. Be…” His voice trails off and he scratches his head. “What’s the word? Monogamous.”
This time it’s me who laughs. “Yes, that’s what it’s called when you stop messing around and decide to be in an actual relationship.”
He smiles. “Relationship.” His mouth curls around the word like he’s never said it before. “I guess that could work.”
My happiness for him is inhibited by the tinge of sadness that creeps into me. It’s hard to be excited about something you’re too afraid to have yourself.
He senses my change in mood and bites his lip. “You should come with us. It’ll be fun. Homecoming is one of the best nights of the entire year.”
I shake my head. “No, I have stuff to keep me busy. I’m behind on my project for my internship. I should try to finish it.”
He pauses with his hand on the
doorknob. “Well, you know where to find us if you change your mind.”
I give my most convincing smile and he gives me a look back like I’m full of it. Well, he’s not wrong. Perry left earlier in the week and it already seems empty here without him. A part of me wishes I could go home and be with my family again. Be the person I used to be, instead of this hollow shell I am now. The realistic part of me knows that will probably never happen.
It goes almost twenty minutes before I can’t take it anymore. Before I can change my mind again, I tuck my phone in my pocket and walk toward the door. When I make it into the hallway, I decide to keep going. I take determined steps until the sight of Judah walking down the stairwell stops me in my tracks.
He has his duffle bag slung over his shoulder and his ball cap flipped backward. He pauses on the landing when he sees me through the window in the door. I take a deep breath and push it open, meeting him in the enclosed hallway.
“Hey,” I say, my voice small.
His handsome face doesn’t light up as much as it usually does when I see him. He looks unsure, adjusting his grip on his bag. “Hey.”
He shuffles on his feet a little and I ask the obvious question.
“Why aren’t you at the game?”
This time he actually smiles, and just like that, my heart already feels lighter.
“Well, I was going to, but I heard the guy that’s the actual mascot was kind of upset I lost the bet. This is like his big, shining moment or some shit.” He laughs. “I couldn’t take that away from him.”
I smile back, tucking my hair behind my ear. “That was very kind of you. I can’t say that I believe you’re too upset about it though.”
He laughs again, shaking his head. “No, I’m really not.”
It goes quiet. This small talk is far from the things we want to say and we both know it. He follows my gaze to the bag on his arm. “Are you leaving?”
“Yeah,” he drawls. “I’m going home for a couple days.” He bites the inside of his cheek, doing that intense thing with his eyes as they meet mine. “I need a break.”