by Amy Tan
I looked at Zeng lying on the bench. His eyes were closed. He was a kind person, not too clever, but always honest. I decided to end our courtship the same way I started it. I would be a diplomat and make him think it was his idea to stop.
“Zeng-ah,” I called.
He opened his eyes, sat up.
I started hanging the wet clothes. “Why should we run away?” I said. “We’re not Taiping followers.”
He put his hands on his knees. “Listen to your friend, ah,” he said, very patient with me. “The Manchus need only a hint that you’re friends with God Worshippers. Look where you live. That’s enough for a death sentence.”
I knew this, but instead of agreeing, I argued: “What are you saying? The foreigners don’t worship the Heavenly King. Many times, I heard them say, ‘Jesus has no Chinese baby brother.’ ”
Zeng huffed at me, as if he had never realized what a stupid girl I was. “Say that to a Manchu soldier, your head will already be rolling on the ground.” He sprang to his feet. “Don’t waste time talking anymore. Tonight I’m leaving. Are you coming?”
I continued my foolish talk: “Why not wait a little longer? Let’s see what really happens. The situation can’t be as bad as you think. The Manchus will kill some people here and there, but only a few, to set an example. As for the foreigners, the Manchus won’t bother them. They have a treaty. Now that I think of this, maybe it’s safer to stay here. Zeng-ah, you come live with us. We have room.”
“Live here?” he shouted. “Wah! Maybe I should cut my own throat right now!” Zeng squatted and I could see his mind was bubbling like my laundry pots. He was saying all kinds of impolite things, loud enough for me to hear: “She’s an idiot. Only one eye—no wonder she can’t see what’s the right thing to do!”
“Hey! Who are you to criticize me?” I said. “Maybe a fly has flown into your one ear and filled your head with locust fever.” I held up the tip of my little finger and made zigzags in the air. “You hear zzz-zzz, you think clouds of disaster are coming from behind. Scared for no reason.”
“No reason!” Zeng shouted. “What’s happened to your mind? Have you been living in foreign holy clouds so long you think you’re immortal?” He stood up, looked at me with disgust a few moments, then said, “Pah!” He turned around and walked away. Instantly, my heart was hurting. As his voice drifted off, I heard him say, “What a crazy girl! Lost her mind, now she’s going to lose her head. . . .”
I kept hanging the laundry, but now my fingers were trembling. How quickly good feelings turn to bad. How easily he was fooled. A tear was burning my eye. I pushed it back. No self-pity. Crying was a weak person’s luxury. I started to sing one of the old mountain songs, which one I don’t remember now. But my voice was strong and clear, young and sad.
“All right, all right. No more arguing.” When I turned around, there Zeng was, a tired look on his face. “We can take the foreigners to the mountains too,” he said.
Take them with us! I nodded. As I watched him walk away, he started to sing the boy’s answer to my song. This man was smarter than I had thought. What a clever husband he would make. With a good voice too. He stopped and called to me: “Nunumu?”
“Ah!”
“Two hours after the sun goes down, that’s when I’ll come. Tell everyone to be ready in the main courtyard. Do you understand?”
“Understood!” I shouted.
He walked a few more steps, then stopped again. “Nunumu?”
“Ah!”
“Don’t wash any more clothes. The only one left to wear them will be a corpse.”
So you see? He was already being bossy, making decisions for me. That’s how I knew we were married. That’s how he told me I do.
AFTER ZENG LEFT, I went into the garden and climbed up to the pavilion where the Ghost Merchant died. I looked over the wall and saw the rooftops of many houses, the little pathway leading to the mountains. If you had just come to Changmian for the first time, you might think, Ah, what a beautiful place. So quiet. So peaceful. Maybe I should do my honeymoon here.
But I knew this stillness meant the season of danger was now ending, and disaster would soon begin. The air was thick and damp, hard to breathe. I saw no birds, I saw no clouds. The sky was stained orange and red, as if the bloodshed had already reached into the heavens. I was nervous. I had a feeling that something was crawling on my skin. And when I looked, creeping on my arm was one of the five evils, a centipede, its legs marching in a wave! Wah! I whipped out my arm to shake it off, then crushed that centipede flat as a leaf. Even though it was dead, my foot kept stomping on it, up and down, until it was a dark smear on the stone floor. And still I couldn’t get rid of this feeling that something was crawling on my skin.
After a while, I heard Lao Lu ringing the dinner bell. Only then did I come to my senses. In the dining room, I took a seat next to Miss Banner. We didn’t have separate tables for Chinese and foreigners anymore, not since I started sharing my duck eggs. Same as usual, Mrs. Amen said the mealtime prayer. Same as usual, Lao Lu brought out a dish of fried grasshoppers, which he said was chopped-up rabbit. I was going to wait until we had finished eating, but my thoughts burst from my mouth: “How can I eat when tomorrow we might die!”
When Miss Banner finished translating my bad news, everyone was quiet for a moment. Pastor Amen leapt out of his chair, held up his arms, and cried to God in a happy voice. Mrs. Amen led her husband back to the table and made him sit down. Then she spoke, and Miss Banner translated her words: “Pastor can’t go. You see how he is, still feverish. Out there he would call attention to himself, bring danger to others. We’ll stay here. I’m sure the Manchus won’t harm us, since we’re foreigners.”
Was this bravery or stupidity? Maybe she was right and the Manchus would not kill the foreigners. But who could be sure?
Miss Mouse spoke next. “Where is this cave? Do you know how to find it? We might become lost! Who is this man Zeng? Why should we trust him?” She couldn’t stop worrying. “It’s so dark! We should stay here. The Manchus can’t kill us. It’s not allowed. We are subjects of the Queen. . . .”
Dr. Too Late ran to Miss Mouse and took her pulse. Miss Banner whispered to me what he said: “Her heart beats too fast. . . . A journey into the mountains would kill her. . . . Pastor and Miss Mouse are his patients. . . . He will stay with them. . . . Now Miss Mouse is crying and Dr. Too Late is holding her hand. . . .” Miss Banner was translating things I could see for myself. That’s how dazed she was.
Then Lao Lu spoke up: “I’m not staying. Look at me. Where’s my long nose, my pale eyes? I can’t hide behind this old face. At least in the mountains there are a thousand caves, a thousand chances. Here I have none.”
Miss Banner stared at Yiban. So much fright in her eyes. I knew what she was thinking: That this man she loved looked more Chinese than Johnson. Now that I think about this, Yiban’s face was similar to Simon’s, sometimes Chinese, sometimes foreign, sometimes mixed up. But that night, to Miss Banner he looked very Chinese. I know this, because she turned to me and said: “What time will Zeng come for us?”
We didn’t have wristwatches back then, so I said something like, “When the moon has risen halfway into the night sky,” which meant around ten o’clock. Miss Banner nodded, then went to her room. When she came out, she was wearing all her best things: her Sunday dress with the torn hem, the necklace with a woman’s face carved into orange stone, gloves of very thin leather, her favorite hairpins. They were tortoiseshell, just like that soap dish you gave me for my birthday. Now you know why I loved it so much. Those were the things she decided to wear in case she died. Me, I didn’t care about my clothes, even though that night was supposed to be like my honeymoon. Also, my other trousers and blouse were still wet, hanging in the garden. And they were no better than what I had on.
THE SUN WENT DOWN. The half-moon rose, then climbed even higher. We grew feverish, waiting in the dark courtyard for Zeng to come. To be honest, we didn’t hav
e to wait for him. I knew the way into the mountains as well as he did, maybe even better. But I didn’t tell the others that.
Finally, we heard a fist pounding on the gate. Bom! Bom! Bom! Zeng was here! Before Lao Lu reached the gate, the sound came again: Bom! Bom! So Lao Lu shouted: “You made us wait, now you can do the same while I take a piss!” He opened one side of the gate, and instantly two Manchu soldiers with swords sprang inside, knocking him to the ground. Miss Mouse gave out one long scream—“Aaaaahhhhh!”—followed by many fast ones, “Aahh-aahh-aahh!” Dr. Too Late put his hand over her noisy mouth. Miss Banner pushed Yiban away, and he crept behind a bush. I did nothing. But in my heart, I was crying, What’s happened to Zeng? Where’s my new husband?
Just then, someone else walked into the courtyard. Another soldier. This one was of high rank, a foreigner. His hair was short. He had no beard, no cape. But when he spoke—shouting “Nelly!” while tapping his stick—we knew who this traitor thief was. There he stood, General Cape, searching the courtyard for Miss Banner. Did he look sorry for what he had done? Did the Jesus Worshippers run over and beat him with their fists? He held out his arm to Miss Banner. “Nelly,” he said once again. She didn’t move.
And then everything wrong happened all at once. Yiban came out from behind the bush and walked angrily toward Cape. Miss Banner rushed past Yiban and threw herself into Cape’s arms, murmuring, “Wa-ren.” Pastor Amen began to laugh. Lao Lu shouted: “The bitch can’t wait to fuck the dog!” A sword flashed down—crack!—then again— whuck! And before any of us could think to cry stop, a head came rolling toward me, its lips still formed in a yell. I stared at Lao Lu’s head, waiting to hear his usual curse. Why didn’t he speak? Behind me, I heard the foreigners, their whimpers and moans. And then a howl rose out of my chest and I threw myself on the ground, trying to bring these two pieces together as Lao Lu again. Useless! I jumped to my feet, glared at Cape, ready to kill and be killed. I took only one step and my legs went soft, as if they had no bones inside. The night grew darker, the air even heavier, as the ground rose up and smashed against my face.
When I opened my eye, I saw my hands and brought them to my neck. My head was there, so was a big bump on the side. Had someone struck me down? Or had I fainted? I looked around. Lao Lu was gone, but the dirt nearby was still wet with his blood. In the next moment, I heard shouts coming from around the other end of the house. I scurried over and hid behind a tree. From there, I could see into the open windows and doors of the dining room. It was like watching a strange and terrible dream. Lamps were burning. Where did the foreigners find the oil? At the small table where the Chinese used to eat sat the two Manchu soldiers and Yiban. In the middle of the foreigner table lay a large shank bone, its blackened meat still smoking from the fire. Who brought this food? General Cape held a pistol in each hand. He lifted one and aimed it at Pastor Amen, who was sitting next to him. The pistol made a loud click but no explosion. Everybody laughed. Pastor Amen then began tearing off pieces of meat with his bare hands.
Soon, Cape barked to his soldiers. They picked up their swords, walked briskly across the courtyard, opened the gate, and went outside. Cape then stood up and bowed to the Jesus Worshippers as if to thank them for being his honored guests. He held out his hand to Miss Banner, and just like emperor and empress they strolled down the corridor until they reached her room. Soon enough, I heard the awful sounds of her music box.
My eye flew back to the dining room. The foreigners were no longer laughing. Miss Mouse had her face pressed against the palms of her hands. Dr. Too Late was comforting her. Only Pastor Amen was smiling as he examined the shank bone. Yiban was already gone.
So many bad thoughts whirled through my head. No wonder the foreigners are called white devils! They had no morals. They couldn’t be trusted. When they say to turn the other cheek, they really mean they have two faces, one tricky, the other false. How could I be so stupid as to think they were my friends! And now where was Zeng? How could I have risked his life for theirs?
A door swung open and Miss Banner stepped out, holding a lantern in her hand. She called back to Cape in a teasing voice, then closed the door and walked toward the courtyard. “Nuli!” she cried sharply in Chinese. “Nuli, come! Don’t keep me waiting!” Oh, I was mad. Who does she think she’s calling slave girl? She was searching for me, turning in circles. My hand scraped along the ground for a stone. But all I found was a pebble, and clutching this tiny weapon, I told myself, This time I’ll smash her head in for sure.
I came out from behind the tree. “Nuwu!” I answered back.
As soon as I called her witch, she spun around, the lantern glowing on her face. She still couldn’t see me. “So, witch,” I said, “you know your name.” One of the soldiers opened the gate and asked if anything was the matter. Cut off her head, I expected Miss Banner to say. But instead she answered in a calm voice: “I was calling for my servant.”
“You want us to look for her?”
“Ah! No need, I’ve already found her. See, she’s over there.” She was pointing to a dark spot at the opposite end of the courtyard. “Nuli!” she shouted to the empty corner. “Quick now, bring me the key to my music box!”
What was she saying? I wasn’t there. The soldier stepped back outside, banging the gate closed. Miss Banner turned around and hurried toward me. In a moment, her face was near mine. By lantern light I could see the anguish in her eyes. “Are you still my loyal friend?” she asked in a soft, sad voice. She held up the music box key. Before I could think what she meant, she whispered, “You and Yiban must leave tonight. Let him despise me, otherwise he won’t leave. Make sure he is safe. Promise me this.” She squeezed my hand. “Promise,” she said again. I nodded. Then she opened my fist and saw the pebble in my palm. She took this and replaced it with the key. “What?” she shouted. “You left the key in the pavilion? Stupid girl! Now take this lantern, go to the garden. Don’t you dare come back until you find it.”
I was so happy to hear her say these meaningless things. “Miss Banner,” I whispered. “You come with us—now.”
She shook her head. “Then he’ll kill us all. After he’s gone, we’ll find each other.” She let go of my hand and walked in the dark, back to her room.
I FOUND YIBAN in the Ghost Merchant’s garden, burying Lao Lu.
“You are a good person, Yiban.” I covered the dirt with old leaves so the soldiers would not find his grave.
When I finished, Yiban said, “Lao Lu knew how to keep the gate closed to everything except his own mouth.”
I nodded, then remembered my promise. So I said in an angry voice: “It’s Miss Banner’s fault he’s dead. Throwing herself in the traitor’s arms!” Yiban was staring at his fists. I nudged his arm. “Hey, Yiban, we should leave, run away. Why die for the sins of these foreigners? None of them are any good.”
“You’re mistaken,” Yiban said. “Miss Banner only pretends to give Cape her heart, to save us all.” You see how well he knew her? Then you also know how strongly I had to lie.
“Hnh! Pretend!” I said. “I’m sorry to have to tell you the truth. Many times she’s told me she wished he would come back for her. Of course she was fond of you, but only half as much as she is fond of Cape. And you know why? You are only half a foreigner! That’s how these Americans are. She loves Cape because he is her same kind. You can’t easily change ruts that have been carved in mud.”
Yiban’s fists were still clenched, and his face grew sad, very sad. Lucky for me, I didn’t have to tell too many more lies about Miss Banner. He agreed we should leave. But before we did that, I went to the northwest corner and reached into an open jar that had two duck eggs left. There was no time to dig up more. “We’ll go to Hundred Caves Mountain,” I said. “I know how to find it.” I blew out the lantern Miss Banner had given me and handed it to Yiban. Then the two of us slipped through the alleyway gate.
We did not take the path through the village. We crept along the foot of the mountain, where
prickly bushes grew. As we began to climb toward the first ridge and its wall, my heart was pounding hard with worry that the soldiers would see us. Even though I was a girl and Yiban a man, I climbed faster. I had my mountain legs. When I reached the archway, I waited for him to catch up. From there my eye searched for the Ghost Merchant’s House. It was too dark. I imagined Miss Banner gazing into the night, wondering if Yiban and I were safe. And then I thought of Zeng. Had he seen Cape and his soldiers? Did he flee to the mountains by himself? Just as I thought this, I heard his voice calling me from behind.
“Nunumu?”
“Ah!” I turned around. I saw his shadow at the end of the archway tunnel. How happy I was. “Zeng, there you are! I’ve been worried to pieces about you. We waited, and then the soldiers came—”
He cut me off. “Nunumu, hurry. Don’t waste time talking. Come this way.” He was still bossy, no time to say, “Oh, my little treasure, at last I have found you.” As I walked through the arch, I let him know I was glad to see him, by complaining in a teasing way: “Hey, when you didn’t come, I thought you had changed your mind, taken another woman, one with two eyes.” I stepped out of the archway tunnel. Zeng was walking along the ridge beside the wall. He waved for me to follow.
“Don’t travel through the valley,” he said. “Stay high along the mountain.”
“Wait!” I said. “Another person is coming.” He stopped. I turned around to see if Yiban was following. And then I heard my new husband say, “Nunumu, tonight the soldiers killed me. Now I will wait for you forever.”
“Ai-ya!” I grumbled. “Don’t joke like that. Tonight the soldiers killed Lao Lu. I’ve never seen a more terrible sight—”
At last, Yiban came out of the archway. “Who are you speaking to?” he asked.
“Zeng,” I said. “He’s here. See?” I turned around. “Zeng? I can’t see you. Wave your hand. . . . Hey, where are you? Wait!”