His answering chuckle was swallowed in my kiss, and the sadness of our past histories abated for a while.
Seventeen
I’m a little surprised you agreed to meet with me, but glad,” Nick said as soon as Paul led him into my office.
I nodded my thanks at Paul, who quickly dismissed himself. Then I got up out of my chair, gesturing for Nick to take the seat in front of my desk.
He did so, glancing around the office, curiously taking it all in. I hadn’t noticed it on Saturday night, but Nick had lost weight. Enough so that his cheekbones were sharp on his once boyish face. When we were growing up, all the girls wanted to date Nick because he had irresistible pretty-boy good looks with an edge. Dark hair, soulful dark eyes, long lashes, and olive skin. Tall—almost as tall as Caleb—Nick had a lanky, wiry build. When he’d walk toward me in the school corridor with that swagger of his, I’d thought with the shallowness of youth how lucky I was that Nick had chosen me to love.
But he hadn’t loved me.
He’d been in lust with me.
When I looked back on it, he never complimented me on anything but my face and body. He never told me I was smart or funny or kind. He’d always just whispered in my ear about how beautiful and sexy I was, how he loved my eyes, my smile, my legs, my ass.
You get the picture.
I’d just been so eager for the affection that I’d never noticed his preoccupation with my appearance.
It was another reminder that what me and Caleb had was just sex too. Caleb only ever complimented me on my body and how I made his body feel. But he was honest about it, which made him a hundred times more trustworthy than this shadow of my ex-fiancé sitting in front of me.
Gaunt, exhausted-looking, he turned back to me and opened his mouth to speak.
I put up a hand to stop him as I leaned against my desk looking down at him. “I agreed to meet with you, Nick, for one reason only. You mentioned on Saturday you wanted to apologize and I need to tell you that I don’t want your apology. When you first cheated on me with Gem, I temporarily allowed myself to believe all the terrible things you said about me being vain and generally not a very nice person. But I soon realized that you said all that because you needed to believe I was the bad guy so you didn’t have to feel guilty. And somehow you managed to convince everyone back in Arcadia of the same with that good-boy charm of yours. But I don’t believe it. I know the truth because I was there.” I wanted to rage against him about how I hated him for stealing Gem from me, but the genuine grief in his eyes for his wife stopped me.
“You cheated instead of coming to me and telling me the truth. Would it have hurt? Yes. But at least the two of you wouldn’t have betrayed me. And if you would just have apologized, accepted the fact that you were in the wrong, then I could have forgiven you. I’d have had the chance to forgive Gem. Because the truth is, Nick, I couldn’t give a shit about you now. All I care about is that I lost my friend and the chance to forgive her.” Tears brightened my eyes as he stared up at me, watching as his expression darkened. “As for you, I don’t feel anything. You’re just a blip on my radar. So go home and take an apology I don’t need or want with you.”
He got to his feet, staring at me incredulously. “I lost my wife and you can’t give me this? And you say you’re not self-absorbed.”
Indignation suffused me, pushing me to be ugly, but somehow I controlled the feeling. “Go home, Nick.”
“No.” He stepped into my space, his legs touching my knees, and I felt a moment of panic at his nearness. “You need to hear what I have to say. You have to give me that, Ava. I’ve lost too much already. I need to say this to someone who knew Gem better than anyone.”
Sympathy I didn’t want to feel for the bastard cut through my anger. “Then speak and leave.”
“You’re right.” He raised a shaky hand to push back his overlong hair. “I was a coward. Gem and I, we talked about it a lot once you were gone. We argued about it. I was the one who convinced her not to tell you right away, delaying it by saying I needed time. But she started to work out the truth the longer we were together.” Nick’s dark eyes blazed at me. “The truth was, I didn’t know how to choose between you. I loved you both.”
“I don’t believe that,” I snapped. “You don’t treat someone the way you treated me when you love them.”
“You always saw everything in black and white, Ava.” He shook his head sadly. “People are more complicated than that. You … you always felt like you were seconds from slipping through my hands. Like something better would come along and you’d be gone. I never really had you. I had your body and Gem had your trust.”
“You both had my trust.”
“But you let her in in a way you didn’t let me in.”
I couldn’t argue with that, because it was true, but she was my friend and he was my lover. I let them both in, in different ways. “Maybe deep down I always knew you would betray me and that’s why.”
“No. You just didn’t love me the way I loved you.”
Bullshit! I had been so in love with him, he blinded me. “Oh, so this is your new way of justifying your actions?” I asked calmly, crossing my arms over my chest like I was merely amused by the turn in the conversation rather than furious.
“Gem loved me, Ava. She loved me in a way I knew you could never love me. I just couldn’t admit it out loud so I twisted everything in my head and I said some awful things to you. When Gem accused me of still being in love with you, I told her all the things I said when you and I broke up, and she was so mad at me. She didn’t know I’d put the blame on you. We didn’t talk for weeks. She thought about getting in touch with you a lot,” he told me softly. “She just never felt brave enough to do it.”
“Nick.” I sighed, feeling a tightness in my chest, an uneasiness in my belly. “What is the purpose of this?”
His expression turned fierce. “I don’t have a second chance to tell Gem I was sorry for all the stupid things I did. But I can tell you. I never stopped loving you, Ava. I loved you too much. When we were kids, I felt like you needed me. I felt like your protector and it made me feel good. But as we got older, you stopped needing me. You became untouchable. Maybe that’s what I loved.” He laughed bitterly. “Maybe it was the mystery of you that kept me dangling on your hook for so long. I lost my shit at you at the funeral because I was grieving for Gem while at the same time feeling things I shouldn’t be feeling when I saw you.”
That uneasiness turned to a chill, and I slid out from where he was leaning into me to round my desk, wondering if I was crazy to even think that my grieving ex-fiancé might be coming on to me. “Nick,” I warned.
“I cheated on her,” he blurted out.
I froze, staring at him in outrage.
“I was always looking for something when you left. I did love my wife, Ava. She made mistakes with you but we both know that she was so good and kind and loving. She loved me like no one has ever loved me and it made her betray you. She never got over it.”
“So you rewarded her by cheating on her?”
“I loved her …” He shrugged, his features strained with guilt. “But there was no excitement like there was with you.”
“Wore off, huh, once you two became legit and weren’t sneaking off behind my back?”
He blanched and I felt a wave of revulsion toward him because I’d hit the nail on the head. “It just wasn’t the same. Even you have to admit, Ava, sex between you and me is off the charts.”
Was this seriously happening right now? Was my ex-fiancé actually standing in my office talking about missing sex with me weeks after his wife had died in childbirth? I gaped at him, wondering how on earth I had been so blind to what a weak, selfish man he was for so long. I wanted to hurt him and not because he hurt me but because he hurt Gem. He stole us from each other and he didn’t even love her the way she deserved to be loved.
“The man you saw me with on Saturday?”
Nick winced. “Yeah?”
/>
“He’s the best sex I’ve ever had, Nick. He made what you and I had in bed look like an inexperienced fumble in the dark. And even if I didn’t currently have that man in my bed, you would never be welcome back in it. So if you came here looking to satiate some need that has driven you for years to cheat on a woman who deserved better, then you can go to hell.”
He paled. “That’s not why I’m here.”
“Then why are you standing in my office talking to me about how you miss sex with me when your wife has just died?”
“I don’t know,” he moaned. “I’m saying it wrong.”
“Do you want me to forgive you on Gem’s behalf? Is that it?”
“You knew her best. What would she say?”
“Did she know, Nick? Did she know about this other woman?”
“Women,” he whispered. “They looked like you.”
I suddenly felt queasy as understanding began to dawn. Nick thought he loved me but it wasn’t love. It was an infatuation he’d never been able to rid himself of. He’d self-destructed over and over again, searching for something that didn’t exist. And he’d pulled Gem right down with him. Along with the queasiness, I felt an unbearable sadness for my lost friend, and an impatient need to get her widowed husband out of my sight. “She would have forgiven you,” I whispered back. “She gave up a lot for you and Gem would have needed to believe that you were worth it.”
“She wanted a baby so badly. She thought it would bring us closer together. I killed her.” He suddenly sobbed.
I flinched, looking down at my desk, the ache in my chest for Gem almost more than I could handle. “She loved you. Just hold on to that.”
“Say you understand, Ava, please. Say you get it now. That you know I really did love you. I think I still—”
“Don’t.” I glared over at him. “Get this through your head now, Nick, and then leave and don’t come back. You don’t know me. You never knew me. Forget about me and move on with your life. Go home and grieve for a woman who I have to believe in your own weak way you loved. And then forget about the past. I have, Nick. I’m not saying this to be cruel. I’m saying it for your own good—I don’t love you. I don’t even like you. A part of me wants to be angry at you for Gem’s sake. But you don’t deserve to have that from me. So now, as soon as you walk out that door, you’ll be just a memory.”
For a moment he stood there staring at me, like he couldn’t quite believe this was how it was ending. Was he honestly so delusional he thought it would end differently?
“Your mom thought …”
“My mom thought what?” I asked wearily.
He shook his head, his smile bitter. “She thought you were still in love with me.”
“You do remember my mother doesn’t know anything about me, right?”
Nick gave me a sad, pathetic smirk. “It’s coming back to me now.”
“Good-bye, Nick.”
He stared at me for so long I gestured to the door.
Finally, he nodded. “Good-bye, Ava.”
And as he disappeared out of my office, his footsteps fading away, I felt a peace settle over me that I hadn’t felt in a long time. Two days ago I never would have imagined being brave enough to have this discussion with Nick, but Caleb was right. I had needed to do that.
I thought about calling Caleb to confide in him about the disturbing and woeful conversation I’d just had with my ex, but that felt too much like something a girlfriend would do. Instead I called Harper.
“Harp, you won’t believe what just happened to me,” I said on her voice mail. “Call me so I can tell you all about it.” I hung up, hoping she would return my call. I’d spent much of yesterday rolling around in bed with Caleb, but during a breather I’d called Harper and she hadn’t picked up. Not sure if she was mad at me or avoiding the questions she knew I had about Vince, I was a little worried.
But if I knew my best friend like I knew I did, she wouldn’t be able to ignore me if she thought I needed her. And right now I needed to tell someone about Nick, because part of me couldn’t even believe that had just happened.
Harper had texted me to grab a quick lunch with her at the restaurant so we could talk. I was hurrying toward Canterbury when my cell rang. Seeing it was Roxanne Sutton, my hard-to-please client, I groaned, but answered the call as I turned left on Milk Street.
“Roxanne, how are you?”
“How am I?” Her high-pitched voice screeched through the phone and I winced. “I’ve just seen the chaise for the master bedroom. Who approved that fabric choice? Because it was not me!”
Irritation made my skin flush hot, but as always I kept my feelings on the inside where they belonged when dealing with a client. “Roxanne, you did approve it. I sent you samples over a week ago that you approved. My upholsterer got to work straightaway and the chaise is the first completed piece for the master suite.”
“I did not choose that fabric,” she insisted. “And frankly, I am appalled by your lack of commitment to this project. Stella assured me that you were just as good as Paul, but I am having serious doubts.”
Irate as I found myself marching down Pearl Street toward Canterbury, I did my best to mask it. “I’m truly sorry you feel that way because I certainly have been giving my all to the project.”
“Not your all. Now …” She took a deep breath. “I am willing to give you a second chance because I have seen the work you’ve done on previous projects that I found satisfactory—”
High praise indeed.
“So I insist that you meet me at the summerhouse again, on Wednesday, so I can remind you of what it is that I’m looking for in this redesign. Hopefully the visit will help you recommit to the project.”
Dismay filled me, my immediate thought of Caleb and how he was only here for a few more days and I would lose them if I went to Nantucket. “I’m afraid that’s a little short notice, Roxanne. I do have other projects—”
“Are you saying my money isn’t important to you, Miss Breevort?”
I stumbled to a stop, disappointment filling me as I realized I would have to do this. “No, of course not. I’d be happy to meet you at the summerhouse. But I can only be there Wednesday. I have to return to the office on Thursday.”
“Well, we’ll just need to see about that. I can’t let you leave until I’m assured you truly understand my vision. I expect you at the house at ten a.m. sharp.” And then she hung up on me.
Deflated, annoyed, and generally wishing I hadn’t gotten out of bed that morning, I made my way into Canterbury in desperate need of my friend’s shoulder, pronto.
As I wandered over to the hostess’s podium, I caught sight of Jason Luton, the owner and head chef. He was conversing with his bar manager and lifted his head to acknowledge me as I walked in. He said something to his staff and then began making his way over to me. Jason was average height for a guy, with a slim, athletic build, concealed at the moment by his chef whites. He smiled at me and despite my bad mood I couldn’t help but smile back. Jason was a very handsome man in his mid-forties. His hair was gray but it did nothing to detract from his crinkly, sexy, twinkly blue eyes or charmingly lopsided smile. He had the kind of charisma that made your belly flutter.
He was also happily married and father to two daughters.
“Ava,” he said, bending down to kiss my cheek. “It’s been a while.” And did I mention the attractive British accent?
“How have you been?”
“The same.” He shrugged, looking around proudly at his restaurant. “Tired but happy.”
“And how are Gillian and the girls?” I asked after his wife and kids.
“Brilliant as always.” He gestured for me to walk with him and so I did. “Here to see Harper?”
“Yeah, she suggested we have lunch together.”
“She’s just working on a new concoction I’m sure the critics are going to rave about.” His eyes brightened at the thought. “I’ll send her out.” He pulled out a chair at a private t
able near the fireplace. “Lunch is on me.”
“Oh, you don’t have to,” I tried to protest, but he waved me off and sauntered away, disappearing into the kitchen.
As I waited, I stewed over the fact that I was going to Nantucket instead of spending time with Caleb. It shouldn’t have bothered me so much, but it did.
“I’m sorry.” Harper came hurrying out of the kitchen toward me. She practically fell into the seat opposite me. Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes had this bright kind of madness to them that I recognized. She was in a creative mood and high on it.
“Hey, I can leave,” I said, not wanting to interrupt her flow. “If you need to get back in there.”
“Nah.” She shook her head. “Everything I can do right now is done. What do you need to tell me?”
Before I could open my mouth, the kitchen doors swung open and a guy I didn’t recognize in chef whites appeared. He was carrying two plates of food, which he brought over to us. “From Jason. Enjoy.” And he disappeared just as quickly.
I stared down at a beautiful plate of pan-fried hake, heritage potatoes, mussels, and a saffron butter sauce. It was one of my favorite dishes on the current menu. “Oh, yum. Who was the guy?” I asked, digging in, not one to lose my appetite when I was anxious or nervous.
“Denny, new sous chef.” She shrugged, picking up her fork and knife.
“Oh, what happened to Kevin?”
“New job. I didn’t tell you?”
“Nope.”
She looked up from her plate. “We’re not here to talk about our staffing situation. What happened this morning?”
And that’s how over the best lunch I’d had in a while I told Harper everything about Nick on Saturday night, then coming to a real understanding with Caleb, him advising me to talk to Nick, and finally what Nick actually had to say.
When I was done, Harper slumped back in her chair, looking exhausted for me. “Babe.”
“Right.”
“God, it never ceases to amaze me how messed up people are.”
My smile was sad. “I know.”
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