This is crazy.
“I don’t believe you.”
He lets out a sigh and I imagine him pacing, like he does when he’s dealing with things that stress him out. “You don’t have to. It’s the way it is, you’ll understand someday.”
“I don’t understand any of this!” I yell and sink onto the couch. My stomach clenches and I rest my hand there. Why is he doing this? Why is he pushing me away?
“It’s just time. I’m married now and having my own family. I need to focus on Meghan and the baby.”
My mouth opens and then closes because it still isn’t computing. “What does that have to do with me? I’m your friend, Derek. You promised.” I choke on the word as a tear falls. “You promised you’d be here for me. You said you wouldn’t let me be alone after everything with Keith!”
He’s silent. If it weren’t for the sound of his breathing, I would think he’d hung up.
“You have nothing to say?” I ask.
“No.”
“No? After all these years? After everything we’ve been through, you offer me no fucking explanations?”
His voice is angry when he responds. “What do you want? I’m doing what’s best for my marriage!”
My heart aches because I did what was best for his marriage too. I stood there a few weeks ago, watching him marry her, and didn’t say a word. I hugged her, told her I was so happy for her when I wanted to tear my own heart out because it was dead anyway.
For him, I did that.
Now, he doesn’t want to speak to me anymore?
“What happened?” I ask.
“Nothing happened, Teagan.”
“You have never lied to me.” My voice is filled with hurt. “We’ve always told each other the truth, tell me so I can fix it. We can find a way but I can’t lose you. Please…”
“We can’t,” he says and the crack in his voice tells me he’s crying.
“So this is it? No real explanation? Just, we can’t be friends…it’s not me, it’s you?”
I feel like I’m going to throw up. My stomach turns again, pain radiating from the front to my back as I wait for his answers.
“This is the way it has to be. If you were married to Keith and he told—you realized what it was doing to him, you can’t say—”
“I would tell him to fuck off!” I yell. Now I’m pissed. If Meghan has an issue with me, then she could’ve talked to me. Instead, she makes him cut me off? Fuck them both.
“You wouldn’t.” He sighs and then sniffs.
He doesn’t get to cry. I’m the one breaking. “Well, I guess there’s nothing more to say,” I say and then wince. “You clearly have made your decision, screw me and the baby you promised to be there for.”
“I’m sorry, Teagan. I hope you and the baby will be happy. I want nothing more than for you to find everything you want. I wish there was another way.”
The tears won’t stop and I wipe them away. “There’s always another way. That’s what’s real, but apparently our friendship wasn’t. You want me to stop calling and talking to you, fine. Just do me one favor, don’t ever contact me again because I can’t…I can’t even breathe right now. I thought…well, I thought wrong and I’m done. I’ll be happy because what choice do I have? You’re a fucking coward and I don’t ever want to hear from you again! Goodbye, Derek.”
I hang up the call, throwing the phone against the wall, shattering onto the floor.
Another stabbing pain hits my stomach and I stand up, only to have a gush of water fall to the floor.
My water broke, just like my heart.
Chapter Fourteen
Teagan
Present
“I don’t want to go to school,” Chastity complains as I try to get her ass out of bed.
“Well, you have to.”
“Anyone ever tell you that you suck?”
I laugh. “Daily. You’ve met my mother, remember? Now, get your butt up and get ready.”
She sits up, groans, and then flops back down on her pillow. “Where were you last night?”
“In my bed.”
“No, I looked for you before I went to sleep and you weren’t there.”
My mind immediately goes back to the beach. The words Derek said and the way he said them. How much disappointment filled me and is still there. I’m…unlovable. That’s all I can come up with.
Two men, one who I loved with my whole being and the other who I should’ve never given a chance, both found the idea of loving me so disgusting they cut me out. I’m winning at life for sure.
“I was at the beach.”
Chastity nods. “I should’ve figured.”
“I needed perspective.”
“Did you find any?”
“Nope,” I tell her as I get to my feet.
“Maybe you should try a park next time.”
I really would like to throttle her some days. “Maybe you should get to school before I call the cops for truancy.”
Chastity gasps. “You wouldn’t.”
“You’re right.” I sigh. “I’ll just call Grandma.”
She throws the covers off, mumbling about mutiny and treason, but I grin. When Chastity is like this, I can’t help it. I love that we can verbally spar in a way I never could with my mother.
I head into the kitchen of my tiny apartment and once again, hate my life. There is only one bedroom, which is Chastity’s, and then I took the dining room and made it into a bedroom.
She emerges from her room wearing a T-shirt that says: DAMN THE MAN.
Okay, I really do love this kid.
I love that my thirteen-year-old quotes Empire Records on her clothing.
“So, today you need to get along with Everly,” I say as I sip my coffee.
“You act like I’m the bully here. That girl is mean and I defend myself and get in trouble? I hate this town.”
That makes two of us. “I know, but you’re going to have to be the bigger person. Her grandfather is the town vet that you’re working for and now people are going to be watching how you act more.”
Chastity rolls her eyes. “I can’t wait for college.”
“You’ve got a few years there, sweetheart.”
“I could get in early.”
“You’re not Doogie Howser, settle down.”
Her eyes narrow and she looks at me like I’ve sprouted two heads. “Who is Doogie Howser?”
I feel old.
“Just…go to school and try not to get in trouble. If I have to leave work again, your grandmother will ask questions.”
She snorts. “She’d probably be proud I finally acted a little like you.”
“Hey!” I protest.
“I’m serious, Mom. She’s always talking about how popular you were. Which is code for you were so cool. But I know what popular and cool mean. You were probably just like Everly.”
I’d love to deny it, but that would be lying right to her face, which I’ve always avoided. Chastity is a good kid and while I don’t overshare with her, I don’t hide things either. We’re a team. She doesn’t judge me for my past and is appreciative for how I keep our lives together with duct tape and chewing gum.
“It’s nothing I’m proud of.”
“I don’t know how you could be like her.”
Oh, how I wish I could go back in time.
“Girls like her are usually scared. They’re often insecure or afraid that people they thought were their friends would turn on them. Bullies are sort of in the mentality of bully-or-be-bullied.”
She shovels a spoonful of cereal in her mouth and shrugs. “Whatever.”
“I’m serious. Her mother died, she moved to a new town, and her entire life is a mess. She probably feels like her life is out of control so she’s searching for a target.”
It doesn’t mean that Chastity should be the object of her anger, but I get it. Everly’s got a lot to be pissed about.
“So you knew her dad?”
Sometimes having a re
ally observant daughter sucks. “I did, a long time ago.”
“Grandma said you guys were best friends.”
I cross my arms over my chest and wonder why she asked a question she already knew the answer to.
“What?” she asks.
“I’m curious what you’re trying to find out, since you knew who Derek was.”
“I wanted to see what you’d say.”
“What else did Grandma inform you of?”
Chastity shrugs and puts her bowl down. “She was just giddy to tell me juicy info about you.”
“I’m sure she was. She’s also a pathological liar.”
My daughter laughs and rolls her eyes. “Yeah, okay.”
“I used to like you.”
“You still do. Also, you suck as a liar.”
I’d like to flip her off but that would be inappropriate. “Back to the conversation. What did Grandma tell you?”
“She said you two were in love but too stupid to see it. Oh, and she was not happy that he was back either. She kept saying something about your head in the clouds and now you’d end up floating away.”
Why my mother disapproves of him, I’ll never know.
Derek volunteered with his father, caring for animals and doing other good deeds while I was making out with Keith under the bleachers.
“What the hell does that even mean?”
“She also thinks that if I have to spend time around him, that I would like him much more than you.”
I laugh. “Well, that’s interesting.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s true.”
She smiles. “Well, I’ll let you know the verdict after I’m done working with Dr. Hartz.”
“They’re both Dr. Hartz,” I inform her.
“He’s a vet too?”
“Yup.”
“Great, now if I defend myself when his awful daughter is being a bi—” She catches herself. “Big mean person, I won’t get to work with the animals.” I see the disappointment in her eyes.
I touch her cheek. “You’ll find a way to be nice.”
“I am nice! It’s her! I just want to be around the animals. They’re not cruel and don’t make fun of me, or say stupid things. The cat walks around being a cat and the pig doesn’t care that the other pig is fatter than him. It’s why I want to be homeschooled!”
“It’s a good thing that you’re not a cat or pig.”
“Yeah, god forbid I get to be happy.”
I’ve never seen her be so unforgiving, but clearly Everly has gotten under her skin. Much like Everly’s father is under mine.
“Happiness is overrated, babe. Best learn it early in life. Now, go to school and be a human—a nice one.”
* * *
Nina walks toward the counter with a grin. “You missed your favorite caller.”
“She’s like clockwork.”
We both laugh because the one day Mrs. Dickman didn’t call, we didn’t know what to do with ourselves.
Nina and I stared at the phone that day, waiting for it to ring. After two hours, I had the worst feeling and walked to her house to be sure she wasn’t injured or sick. It turned out her grandson was visiting and she forgot all about the chairs. Which seemed so impossible, since it’s basically her life’s mission to get the chairs back.
“Yes, she really is, but it’s rather cute, isn’t it?”
I nod. “I wish we could find these chairs. I know it weighs so heavy on her.”
Nina sighs. “I wish someone would love me that much.”
“Well, if she hadn’t sold the ugly chairs to begin with she wouldn’t need to search the world for them.”
Not that I blame her at all. Those chairs and the ugly couch must’ve come from the same designer back in the early 1900s. Still, Mrs. Dickman won’t rest until the set is back in her possession.
“You would’ve done the same!” Nina giggles. “Look at the true testament of love, though, willing to sit on those hideous things just to feel closer to the man you loved.”
We both grin as we each remember the story that we’ve heard a million times.
Nina sits on the ugly couch and sighs. “It’s so sad that he passed last year.”
“But you’re right, it is sweet that she still looks for the chairs.”
Mrs. Dickman may drive me bonkers with the chair call each day, but it’s a beautiful testament to the love they shared. No matter that he’s gone, she still wants to get back the dining set because her heart needs them.
The first time I heard the story I was so moved I went on a mission to find them. We called pretty much every possible antique store and furniture place possible, but came up empty-handed.
“I think she irritates me so much because I feel like I’m disappointing her each time she calls.”
I nod in agreement. “I want to find them so we can give her some peace.”
“We will. You never know what you lose that will come back.” Nina’s eyes are studying mine. “You know, lost things tend to find their owner.”
“Why do I think we’re not talking about the chairs anymore?”
“Oh, I don’t know why you’d think that. Did something recently return to you that was gone?”
I’m not ready to talk about last night. I’m too emotional and raw to actually be able to describe what I’m feeling aloud.
In my head, I’m battling whether I’m being irrational or not. Derek and I were kids to some extent and we made choices we thought were right. It’s not even so much that he basically cut me off, it’s the reason. I didn’t do anything wrong, and now I know that it was something he did—or wrote—that caused it.
Yet he never talked to me. He didn’t tell me he felt anything more than friendship. Neither did I, but he was engaged.
And I was pregnant with another man’s baby. There wasn’t exactly some prime opportunity to confess my undying love. It all could’ve been so different for us. For everyone, really. Had we just talked to each other, we might’ve found a way.
Nina clears her throat, apparently wanting an answer.
The bell above the door rings and I smirk. “Saved by the bell.”
Nina eyes me. We both know better. She’s like a dog with a bone when there’s information she wants. There’s no way she’ll let this go just because a customer is here. Then, her grin looks like it could split her face. “Sure. Something like that.” Then she turns back toward the door. “Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in. If it isn’t Derek Hartz.”
Chapter Fifteen
Derek
Present
I’m not sure why I’m here, I just knew that I needed to talk to her. We’re going to be in the same town and I don’t want it to be uncomfortable for everyone.
Also, I hate that I hurt her.
The look on her face lets me know I’ve managed to do it again by showing up.
“What are you doing here?” Her voice is full of venom as she glares at me.
Nina slaps her arm. “Stop it. He’s welcome here. It’s good to see you, Derek, or should I call you Dr. Hartz?”
I always liked Nina. She was kind and would do anything to help someone in trouble. It’s good to see she and Teagan are friends.
“Don’t you dare call me doctor anything.” I pull her in for a hug as Teagan glares at me. “It’s good to see you too.”
“I heard about your wife, I’m so sorry.”
“Thank you.”
“How are you holding up?”
There’s the honest answer and then the one that everyone wants to hear. I’m sure I could tell her how I’m falling apart, not only because I do miss Meghan, but because I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to be a dad without her. She was the one who told me to go talk to Everly or pick up things. I was…an accessory to parenting. Now, I’m everything.
I don’t know how often I need to take Everly for a haircut or if she should be shaving her legs. I really pray that’s already taken care of and I don’t ha
ve to think about it.
Then I wonder about all the girl shit that I know absolutely nothing about.
So, I’m not holding up anything but a prayer because I’m hopeless.
“I’m doing the best I can,” I say with a sad smile. This answer is really all anyone wants to know. “It’s been an adjustment, to say the least.”
“I would assume so. How’s your father? Your mother, bless her heart, told me he was having a bit of trouble lately.”
It’s hard to talk about. My father has always been a hero to me. He was strong, smart, able to make things happen without looking like he tried. When my mother called to tell me that he was forgetting things, I thought it was because he’s getting old, but it’s more than that and I’m struggling to cope with it.
“He’s doing the best he can.”
Teagan takes a step closer. “Your dad is loved in this town.”
I nod. “He’ll be okay. I’m here to take some of the pressure off of him, which I think will help.”
Nina touches my arm. “Anything that you need, just ask. This town may be full of loony people, but we all care when one of our own needs some help.”
Teagan scoffs. “Right.”
“Oh, you stop it,” Nina scolds her with a wave of her hand. “I’m going to head into the back and see about some of the new stuff that was brought in. It’s like Christmas each time Mrs. Berkeley goes on a road show trip. She comes back with a crate, we open it up and see what she thought was a good find.”
“I’ll have to take your word on it.”
“I’ve got that.” Teagan jumps in. “I’ll go back there and handle it, you and Derek catch up. You know how much I love the crate opening.”
From the sound of her voice, she’s full of shit. What she would love is to get away from me.
She starts to move but Nina shifts around her. “No, no, we both know he’s not here for me. I’ll go, you guys…you know…be adults here and work your shit out.”
Teagan hisses at her, but I can’t understand what she’s saying.
Nina, who is always polite, throws me a smile and then kisses Teagan’s cheek before exiting. “It was great seeing you, Derek. Be sure to stop by again.”
All I Ask Page 8