“Thanks.”
After a few seconds of silence, Teagan’s shoulders slump. “What are you doing here, Derek?”
“I came to talk.”
“Then talk.”
The whole point to this unexpected visit is to lay out what happened better, but now that we’re here, looking at each other, I don’t know what to say.
How do I explain that my feelings for her were so deep I contemplated how to leave my pregnant wife? I don’t know if I ever would’ve left, but I know I had to walk away from Teagan to make sure I didn’t hurt everyone involved. It was the only way to save my marriage and even give Teagan a chance at a life that I couldn’t give her.
The thing is, even after all the time that’s passed, I still love her.
I’ve always loved her. From the first time we met on that beach after she tutored me when I was barely sixteen, I knew my life would forever be altered by Teagan Berkeley.
She had this light inside of her that cast a glow around you. You couldn’t help but want to bask in it, and when I was with her, I did.
It wasn’t just that she was beautiful, it was also how she made me feel when I was around her. Once she let me in, I never wanted out.
Now I’ve injured her, and I want to make it right.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“I appreciate that wasn’t your intention, but it doesn’t change the fact that you did.”
There’s one part of this that has been bugging me…why did she walk away on the beach last night? Was it because Meghan asked that I stop seeing her? Or was it because I chose my wife? If I’m honest, I suspect it was my confession that I fell in love with her that made Teagan walk away.
“Why, though?”
“Why what?”
“Why did you say it was cruel to tell you the truth?”
Teagan shakes her head. “You were never stupid, Derek. Don’t pretend to be now.”
“You were also never this closed off and unwilling to tell me things.”
She bites her lower lip and looks away. “I wonder what could’ve made me this way?”
I deserved that. I’ve given her every reason to distrust me. “Why did me telling you the reason I had to end our friendship upset you so much?”
“Why do you need to know?”
“Because it doesn’t make sense.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
That’s where she’s wrong. “It matters to me. Why, Tea?”
Her green eyes study me. It’s as if she’s trying to see through me so she can be sure I’m not really this dense. “Because you say you realized you loved me, and your solution was to walk away from me. So easily. That’s not love. Not real love in a way that was actually meaningful.”
“You would’ve told me to leave my pregnant wife for my best friend who didn’t even like me that way? That would’ve been your solution?” Teagan’s arms drop as she pushes off the counter. Her head lifts to the ceiling and I can practically feel her anguish. “Tea?”
“I more than liked you, Derek. I loved you. Not just as a friend, but I loved you.”
My heart rate accelerates and I rack my brain for any indication she felt the same. There were no signs or even a hint that her feelings were more. If anything, she made it seem the opposite. Someone would joke that eventually we’d realize we were desperately in love, she’d laugh and say we had a better chance of hell freezing over. To me, it wasn’t even a possibility.
“You never said a word.”
She throws her hands up. “No shit I didn’t! I had all these plans to tell you and then something or someone else would be in our way. There was never a chance to say anything.”
Now it’s my turn to be pissed off. “You had plenty of chances.”
“When? When you told me about Meghan and that you were already in love with her? Or maybe when you were dating someone before her? Or what about right after I found out I was pregnant? No, none of those times worked because I would’ve been the worst person alive to have told you. I would’ve destroyed everything that made you happy. What would that have made me?”
“The person who loved me enough to tell me!”
The real answer is…hers. It would’ve made me hers. I’m livid. I’m not just angry she didn’t tell me. I’m pissed off at everything and everyone. I’m mad because if Meghan didn’t die, I wouldn’t be hearing this. I’m angry because if I could handle Everly and my dad wasn’t sick, I wouldn’t be here.
Then I could’ve spared us all of this hurt—again.
She crosses her arms over her stomach. “No, I loved you enough to let you be happy and not fuck your head up. I stood by your side at your wedding, wishing it was me in front of you. I wanted to beg you so many times to love me, but that would’ve been unkind. I didn’t think you felt the same and I wasn’t going to risk everything we had, not when I needed you.”
Now it’s my turn to step back. My jaw falls slack at her confession. “I never thought…”
“I wouldn’t let you. So you want to know why it hurt so much last night? Because after all these years of imagining you telling me you felt this way, I find out that it was a way for you to resent me. As if I ever did anything to deserve your hostility.” Teagan takes a step closer with unshed tears in her eyes, but they don’t fall. “I did everything to protect you so that I wouldn’t lose you. Having you as my best friend, even if I loved you more than you would ever know, was more important to me.”
“I didn’t want to lose you,” I tell her as I move closer. “I never wanted that.”
“You were the one who walked away.”
“I had no choice.”
“There’s always a choice, Derek. In fact, it was you who told me that. You chose to marry Meghan and that’s okay.”
It wasn’t okay. I did choose Meghan. I had to. I loved her, and she was my wife. That was the hand I was dealt and chose to play. I couldn’t fold and I wasn’t allowed to draw.
“What would you have done if you were me?”
A tear runs down her cheek. “I would’ve done what felt right, which, knowing you, is what you did. You had a family to think about, and I’m not angry at that. I get it. I wished so many times that someone would choose me.”
“So you’re upset that I chose Meghan?”
She shakes her head. “No, it’s not about Meghan.”
“Then what’s it about?”
Teagan looks like she’s at war with herself. “Everything. I went through hell, Derek. I have never felt more alone than I did after you cut me off. I had my parents, which was actually worse than being alone. The town judged me—still does most days. Then there was the fact that I had this baby I didn’t know how to take care of. I was so scared. I had to go through this court hearing to relinquish Keith’s paternal rights. Can you imagine how crippling all that was?”
No one ever saw the amazing person she was, even in her faults. I did though. I run my hand through my hair, pacing. I know all of this and the guilt I felt was monumental. She counted on me and I walked away. “It wasn’t easy for me to let you go! I didn’t want you to go through any of that. I would’ve been there. I would…I should’ve…I didn’t want any of it!”
“But I did do it alone! And somehow, I survived, but none of what I endured held a candle to the amount of hurt I felt at losing you. In a matter of a few months I lost everything. My life, college, my parents were so angry, Keith was selfish, and then…the only person in the world I loved and I knew would love me…was gone. So when you ask me why that hurt me so much…I’m hurt that you loving me cost me the only thing I cared about. I lost you because you fell in love with me. Once again, I destroyed my own happiness, without even knowing it.”
Teagan deserves so much more than she’ll ever know. “You didn’t lose me because I fell in love with you, and you didn’t destroy anything, Teagan. I did.”
She huffs and wipes the tears under her eyes. “That’s not true. The minute you realized you loved me is the
minute I lost you. But the thing is, I had a part in it too! I loved you so much and I let you go. I did it for you. I watched you walk away and I was too afraid to stop you. We are both culpable.”
We both fall quiet. The room is charged with so much emotion it’s hard to breathe. How far we’ve fallen…
Once upon a time she and I were envied by many. I don’t know that anyone would look at us now and hope to become what we are to each other.
Feeling sad that this is the current state of things, I confess my own shame. “There were so many times that I wished I never wrote those words down. If I had kept my feelings to myself, nothing would’ve changed. I could’ve been there for you and we could’ve gone on without anyone knowing.” Admitting the words aloud for the first time is difficult. I’ve thought them, plenty of times, but never allowed myself to speak them.
Teagan releases a heavy sigh. “It would’ve happened at some point.”
I look at her, surprised that she would say that. “What would’ve?”
“One of us would’ve said it. We never kept secrets before, I don’t know how we managed to do it with something this important.” Teagan moves toward me, and for the first time since I showed up, she’s not filled with apprehension. “I never would’ve put you in a position to choose me or Meghan because you should’ve—and would’ve—picked her. So, I would’ve sat back, watching you live and love her, hating it, wishing it was me. And if the truth did reveal itself, I would’ve denied it, not wanting to ruin your life. Maybe…I don’t know.”
“Maybe it was for the best?” I finish her thought.
“Maybe.”
“No,” I tell her, wanting her to understand. “It wasn’t. I should’ve been there for you too. You needed me and I failed you.”
So many times I wanted to ask my parents about her, but I didn’t. I wasn’t strong enough to know she wasn’t okay, so I made myself believe she was happy, married to someone, raising their kids together. I would’ve never stayed away had I heard otherwise.
“I failed myself,” Teagan says as she sits on the ugly sofa that’s still here.
I move over and sit beside her. “I think we both had a part in our own destruction.”
She sniffs. “I guess we did.”
“How did we get here?”
“I have no idea,” Teagan confesses.
“This wasn’t going to be us. We were better than this. We were supposed to be indestructible.”
“No, we could’ve been that, but I was scared and stupid. Neither of us were willing to see the truth until it was too late. And then I got pregnant.”
“Why did you stay with Keith, Teagan? Why didn’t you end things?”
She turns to look at me, tears filling her beautiful green eyes. “I thought if I held on to him, then I could let you go. In the end, he not only threw me away, but he cost me you. Funny how that worked, huh?”
“I don’t think anything regarding Keith is funny.”
“I would agree with you there. He made his choices, though.” Teagan sighs and wipes her eyes. “He gave up the best thing he ever did in his miserable life. Chastity is bigger and better than any dream he could’ve had. He walked away from her without ever understanding what a gift having a child is.”
Losing Meghan was horrific, but the fear I felt knowing Everly was in the car was—crippling. It was a terror like I’d never known. Thinking I could’ve lost them both was too much to even comprehend.
It made me feel sick to have any relief at the time of the accident, but all I kept thinking was, thank God it wasn’t Everly.
For a father to give that up willingly, is beyond my understanding.
It goes to show what an asshole Keith was. He cared about only himself and football. Teagan knew it, and it never made sense to me why she stayed with him.
But it was irrelevant because in the end, we made our choices and have to accept them.
“I really did come over here to apologize. Not to drum up old shit and fight.”
Teagan shakes her head with a smile. “Well, you’ve always sucked at apologies.”
“And you sucked at accepting them.”
Maybe she and I will find a new way to coexist and maybe I can have my best friend back because I could sure use her.
Chapter Sixteen
Teagan
Present
“I still want to be homeschooled,” Chastity announces at dinner…with my parents. She’s been a bear the last four days and I can only assume it’s because of Everly and whoever she’s found for her squad of bitches.
“Well, I love you, but not that much,” I say as I shove a forkful of spaghetti into my mouth. “We’ve already had this talk and my stance hasn’t changed.”
“Why would you want to be homeschooled?” Mom asks, unable to stop herself from seizing the opportunity to pry.
“Because I hate the stupid girls there! I’m not going back.”
I look at her and shake my head. “Yeah, you are.”
“You can’t make me.”
“Oh, but I can.”
“Maybe we should talk about it,” Mom suggests. “She’s clearly upset.”
I didn’t want to come here tonight, but I did because Chastity wanted to see her grandparents. Now I’m starting to wonder if this isn’t an ambush. My parents are getting ready for another road trip. The summer tourists clean us out each year and then we spend the winter finding treasures to restock the store.
“Mom, you’re not helping.”
She touches Chastity’s arm. “She’s upset and needs support.”
“Well, I’m upset and could use some too.”
“We’re not talking about you.”
“We’re not talking about Chastity and homeschooling either,” I emphasize.
Dad clears his throat and grabs his phone as if he’s reading. Glad to see I have his help on this one.
“Why can’t we just discuss it?” Mom asks.
“Because there’s no reason to. I have no help as it is and taking on tutoring my daughter, who is pretty much smarter than me at this point, isn’t possible.”
“So you’d send her to school with those horrible girls?”
I laugh once. “You want to teach her to run away from them?”
I try not to ask for much from my parents. The apartment is the only thing they help with, which isn’t really help. It was vacant and it was in shambles. I lasted a whole two months in my parents’ house after Chastity was born before I decided cleaning, painting, throwing out whatever I could to fix it up was worth it.
After negotiating with my father, I had a fair rent set up, which is deducted from my paycheck, a clean place for me and Chastity, and a job. Of course, it was meant to be a two-year plan and I’ve extended it…a lot, but whatever.
Going back to school is really hard when you have no money or time.
“You should at least hear her out,” Mom chides as she takes a sip of her wine.
“No, because I’m not homeschooling her. Besides, when exactly would I do this? I work at the store six days a week, for minimum wage I might add, and…if I’m going to work on top of doing schoolwork, it would be for me.”
Chastity leans back in her chair. “You?”
“Yes, I would like to go and get my degree since I dropped out.”
“You want to go back to school?” My daughter stares at me like I have two heads.
Have I really never said it? “I guess. I mean, once you’re off to college it would be nice to have a plan.”
Since I doubt painting is ever going to be anything more than just an outlet, a backup seems necessary.
“Why haven’t you mentioned it?” Dad asks.
“Why would I?”
“Because we could’ve helped.”
Now I’m stunned. “Helped how? You and Mom have been going on and on about me being independent and caring for Chastity on my own, which I’ve managed to do. Why would I think that was an option?”
“You have b
een the one that demanded handling Chastity on your own, honey.”
Is he crazy? “How?”
“You moved out of this house, for one,” Mom says with a sarcastic laugh. “You wanted nothing to do with us and having a built-in support system. You couldn’t sign those papers fast enough releasing Keith from—”
“Don’t!” I slap my hand on the table. “Don’t talk about him in front of her.”
This is the one thing I’ve done my best to shield Chastity from. She knows who her father is. She sees his stupid ass on television and hears all about what a hero he is for this stupid town. I don’t lie to her, but I don’t talk about what happened between him and me.
“Mom, it’s fine.” Chastity tries to calm the situation, but there’s not a chance of that.
“None of your life had to be this way,” Mom says. “You could’ve had a different future, but you were so damn sure you could do this on your own.”
And here it is. The talk of how I did this all to myself. That I signed away the right to be pissed at him.
“Yes, I know, Mom. Keith is the saint who did the right thing by all of us out of the kindness of his heart.”
“Well, it definitely wasn’t for your own good. You were always so thick-headed.”
I shake my head. “What about the fact that he could show up at any point? He knows where we are. I see his mother once a week, right? It’s not like they don’t know that Chastity is their granddaughter, but…it’s me.”
My mother busies herself with her food. “They’re honoring your wishes.”
“My wishes?” I yell and slam my fork down. “My wishes? Are you serious?”
None of this was my wish. I didn’t wish for him to never pay a dime after she was born, and then once the paternity was established—as if there was any doubt he was the father—tell me that I had two choices, thanks to his fucking agent. Either he would fight me for full custody and make my life a living hell or I let him out of all responsibilities and never have to worry about any interference from him again.
I was ready to fight him. He was signing his big football contract in a few weeks. That’s when the floor dropped out. I had to choose, either I let him walk away from all parental rights or they leaked the tape that I regret more than anything, ruining my life and having the shame follow me and Chastity for our entire lives.
All I Ask Page 9