by Tracy Brown
Born took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I’m just busy lately with DJ so I’ve been on the go, and you know that. I just wanted to give you space. I figured maybe without me around, you two could get close again.”
Jada thought about that. She wished that reconnecting with Sheldon could be that easy.
Born kicked off his shoes, took off his clothes and climbed into bed beside Jada. He pulled her into his arms and kissed her face where he imagined her tears had been. “I love you.”
She melted in his embrace and felt so much better hearing him utter those words. “I love you, too,” she whispered.
He kissed her lips softly, looking into her eyes as the moonlight spilled in through the window, then eased his tongue into her mouth. She held onto him as if for dear life. They made love, and it felt like everything was right again. Afterward, she lay on his chest until she fell asleep. Born watched her, feeling sorry for all that she had been put through and wishing he could snap his fingers to make it all go away. He fell asleep soon after, holding her in his arms as if he’d never let go.
* * *
Sheldon woke up just after five o’clock in the morning and went to the bathroom. He relieved himself, brushed his teeth and washed his face. He was early, so he figured he’d get ready for school on his own, to show his mother how independent he could be. He knew that she’d be rising to make him breakfast by seven, something she had done every day since he drowned the dog. He secretly looked forward to his mother’s breakfast, and enjoyed watching her laugh as she listened to The Steve Harvey Morning Show on the radio while she cooked. Today, he was going to surprise her and be ready when she came in to wake him up.
When he emerged, he stopped in the hallway, hearing a familiar snoring coming from his mother’s room. He eased the door open slowly and peeked his head inside. He saw his mother and Born lying together, her head on his chest, both of them sleeping.
Anger welled up inside of Sheldon instantly. He hadn’t noticed that he was enjoying having his mother all to himself until the moment he saw that Born was back in his mother’s bed. He assumed that this would mean the end of their breakfasts and dinners together, the end of their talks. True, he hadn’t participated much in those discussions, but they had been growing on him more and more. Looking at Born lying beside his mother now, Sheldon felt jealous. His young mind couldn’t process all that he was feeling. He didn’t know what to make of it. But as he looked at his mother sleeping peacefully with her head on Born’s chest, he told himself that he knew all along that she wasn’t shit.
Angry, he walked into the bathroom and snatched his medicine out of the cabinet. He liked how it made him feel—calm, almost numb. He had seen his mother open the bottle a dozen times or more. He did so now, easily, and took every single pill in the bottle, washing each one down with a gulp of water from the sink. Then he went and lay in his bed, feeling better than he had ever felt before.
* * *
Jada awoke around six thirty that morning and eased out of bed, not wanting to disturb Born. She figured it would be best if he slept undisturbed while she and Sheldon continued their routine. The last thing she wanted was to upset the balance they had only recently begun to form. She went into her bathroom and freshened up, smiling at her reflection in the mirror as she recalled the way Born had made her feel last night. She had missed him so much that having him back in her home and in her bed gave her the comfort she had been longing for. She slipped out of the bathroom and went to wake up Sheldon.
Jada walked into her son’s room and saw him lying on top of the covers on his back. He was asleep and she shook him. “Sheldon, wake up.”
He didn’t move. She walked over and opened up the blinds, letting the sunlight pour in. Again, she walked over and shook him. “Sheldon,” she called slightly louder this time. “Sheldon, come on. It’s time to get up.”
Nothing.
Slowly, it began to register that something wasn’t right. What had first seemed like his attempt to get a few more minutes of shut-eye was now starting to seem like something different. She shook him harder. Sheldon’s eyes remained shut, his body limp.
“Sheldon!” Jada yelled, panicking now. She shook him hard—and then her eyes fell on the bottle on the nightstand. She stared at the empty bottle for a moment before her mind made the connection.
Her screams woke Born out of what had been a peaceful sleep.
* * *
Sheldon lingered in a coma for close to thirty-six hours before he opened his eyes. Intubated and with his wrists in restraints, he awoke in a panic, wondering where he was and why he couldn’t move. Jada was at his bedside, hysterical as the doctors rushed in to calm him down.
“It’s okay, little buddy. Relax. Everything’s gonna be all right.”
The doctor’s words were intended for Sheldon, but Jada found comfort in them as she took a deep breath in an effort to steady herself. She was shaking and her heart beat so fast that she could swear everyone could hear it. As Born rubbed her back, she looked up toward the ceiling and thanked God for sparing her son’s life. Then she asked for forgiveness, for the evil thought that flashed through her mind in that instant: Would it have been better if Sheldon had died?
She hated herself for thinking that way, even for an instant. She chided herself silently, reminded that it had been the same type of thinking that had landed her in this predicament in the first place, when she was pregnant with him and eager to be rid of the child she saw as the one thing linking her to the man she had come to despise. That had been selfish thinking then and it was now. She pushed the notion out of her mind that if Sheldon hadn’t survived his suicide attempt, her life might be better in the long run.
She shook her head, ashamed of herself. Born watched her closely. With tears sliding down her pretty face, she looked at him, her eyes seemingly pleading with him to help ease her pain. He pulled her into his arms and held her close, rocking her gently and telling her that it was okay, that Sheldon was awake now and that everything would be all right.
The doctors asked them to step outside so that they could assess Sheldon’s condition now that he had finally regained consciousness. Jada and Born stepped into the waiting room where Sunny, Mercedes, and Ava were all camped out.
“He woke up,” Jada said.
Everyone responded with relief and thanked God. It had been a rough couple of days since Jada had discovered her only child lying lifelessly in his bed. Sunny hugged Mercedes, whose facial expression was a combination of relief and worry. “Is he gonna live, Aunt Jada?” she asked.
Jada smiled weakly at Mercedes. The two of them were as close as siblings, and she knew that the past couple of days had been traumatic for her. Sunny had allowed her to skip school and wait at the hospital because Mercedes had insisted that Sheldon would want her there when he woke up.
“I think so,” Jada said, honestly. She really didn’t know what would happen. “The doctors are checking on him now and when they finish they’re gonna come and talk to us.”
Mercedes seemed relieved. “What did he say when he woke up?”
Jada shook her head. “He can’t talk because of the tube in his throat that’s helping him breathe. So he just … he was kind of trying to yell, and his wrists are restrained, so he was fighting and trying to move.” The thought of it gave Jada the chills and she hugged herself, rubbing her arms to warm them.
Sunny went to her friend and hugged her. Jada hugged her back and cried softly on her shoulder. The two of them stood there, embracing and having an unspoken conversation. Each knew the gory details of Jada’s journey with her son. Sunny knew better than anybody how hard Jada had fought to be a part of his life, to regain custody of him and to rid them both of the menacing presence of his father. Without saying a word, Sunny’s hug told her friend that she was there for her, that she understood. And Jada felt comforted as her tears subsided.
Born watched them, silently. He had a million thoughts vying for dominance in his mind. The one that was winning
at the moment was relief that Sheldon had survived. But he was also torn inside, wondering whether this was the point of no return for him and Jada. He loved her, this much was true. He had never known love like this before, and he knew that he would never find anything like it again. Still, he was starting to feel like their happiness was never permanent. Something—or someone—had always come between them just when things were at their best. The first time, her addiction had stood in the way of their happily ever after. This time, it was her son. Sheldon’s rebellion at school, his slaughter of an innocent puppy, his suicide attempt—all these things had occurred just when Born was ready to take his relationship with Jada to the next level. It was clear to him that Sheldon didn’t welcome his presence in their family. Born was beginning to wonder if the love he and Jada shared was enough to overcome this.
The doctor came in to talk to her, and Born stood by her side and held her hand. In a hushed tone, the doctor explained to Jada that Sheldon’s vital signs were improving, that his breathing tube had been removed, but that he was still restrained—for his own safety. The tube had left his throat sore and he was very weak, but he would survive. He explained to Jada that Child Protective Services was back again, that they wanted to speak with her. Jada nodded, and started walking with the doctor back toward Sheldon’s room. Born walked with them. When Jada noticed his presence, she stopped and turned to Born with a forlorn expression on her face.
“I don’t think you should come,” she said softly, avoiding eye contact with him.
Born frowned. “No?” He felt his heart sink, and realized that this was the moment when she would say what they both feared the most. That it was over.
She shook her head, fought back the tears. She had been praying so much in the past few days, promising God that if He spared her son, if He allowed Sheldon to survive this ordeal, that she would sacrifice her own happiness for that of her child’s. Like Born, she had come to the conclusion that Sheldon was forcing her to choose between her love for Born and her love for her son. She knew what she had to do.
Jada stared at the floor, feeling the weight of her world crumbling around her. “I’ll call you.”
Born stood there, speechlessly, as she walked alone toward her son’s room.
Sunny and Ava looked at each other, their hearts breaking for both Jada and Born. They understood the predicament the couple was facing. Sheldon had survived, but their relationship might not be as lucky.
Ava got up and walked over to Born, observing the pained expression on his face.
“She just needs some time to figure out what to do with Sheldon,” she said. “She loves you, Born.”
He nodded, trying so hard to understand Jada’s situation. “I love her, too.” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Then, without another word, he walked out of the hospital and out of Jada’s life again. He wasn’t sure if his departure was for good this time.
He wasn’t sure of anything anymore.
18
SELF-DEFENSE
May 2010
“I can’t leave now,” Sunny was saying. “My best friend is in the middle of a crisis and—”
“And what can you do to fix it?” Malcolm asked. “Can you make her son better? Can you fix her relationship with Born?”
“Of course not, smart-ass. But it’s fucked up for me to just fly off to Mexico when she’s here suffering.”
“She has Ava with her. You’re not leaving her by herself.” It was Memorial Day weekend, and Mercedes had spent it with her paternal grandmother. Malcolm had taken the opportunity to spend the weekend at Sunny’s place, and the plan had been for them to fly off to Mexico first thing Monday morning. But now Sunny was getting cold feet.
Sunny shook her head. “It feels cruel. Here she is broken-hearted and I’m gonna go on a romantic getaway?”
Malcolm felt that Sunny was just making excuses not to go. “We’ve had this trip planned since Christmas, babe. Your birthday is tomorrow, and the plan was for us to be on a plane sipping champagne on our way to Acapulco to celebrate.”
“Plans change,” she said, flatly. “My friend is alone, her son is in a psychiatric hospital and I don’t feel right abandoning her.”
She stared out her seventeenth-floor bedroom window at the street below, watching people scurrying about the city she loved, looking like ants from her vantage point. Her thoughts consumed her. So much had changed. A year ago, she had been lonely and bored in a life that seemed so enviable from the outside looking in. Jada and Born had seemed to be on their way to the happy ending that had eluded them for years. But over the past two months, it had become clear that their story was more complicated than that. Sheldon had been housed at Staten Island’s South Beach Psychiatric Center, under constant supervision. He had been undergoing therapy while Jada secluded herself, feeling guilty and responsible for all of his troubles. Sunny had been by her side every step of the way, just as she had been when Sheldon was a baby. Jada and Born’s relationship was strained at best. He was keeping himself occupied with DJ’s career while she tended to her son, and Sunny couldn’t help feeling that her friend was punishing herself by keeping the man she loved at bay.
* * *
Each Sunday, Sunny brought Mercedes to Staten Island to see Sheldon. He was on medication and listless, a shell of the energetic adolescent he had once been. Mercedes had sat and stared at her friend sympathetically during the first couple of visits. But by the third one, she was furious.
“You’re so stupid!” she had yelled at him.
Sunny had chastised her, but the therapist said that she should let Mercedes say what was on her mind, that it was important for Sheldon to hear how his actions had affected the people who loved him.
“You almost died!” Tears had streamed down her face as she yelled at him. “Did you think about anybody else but yourself?” She had shaken her head in disgust. “I used to think you were smart, but you’re just stupid!”
Sheldon had stared at her quietly for a few moments, and then he hung his head and cried. The last person in the world he had ever meant to disappoint was Mercedes.
She watched him crying for a while, staring at him in silence and telling herself that he wasn’t worthy of her pity. But she had eventually softened and moved her chair closer to his.
“Stop crying!” her tone was demanding rather than consoling. She shoved a few tissues into his hand. “You didn’t cry when you put all them pills in your mouth!”
Sheldon had wiped his eyes and looked at Mercedes, sadly.
“If you ever do something this dumb again, I’m never gonna talk to you. I swear, Sheldon. I will never speak to you again for as long as I live.”
He stared at her. Her mother had told her that Sheldon was medicated, so she assumed that his silence was a result of the drugs they had given him.
“Did you hear what I said, boy?”
He nodded slowly. “Yeah. I heard you.”
* * *
Every Sunday since then, the two of them sat together in a corner of the room, and Mercedes filled him in on all the things going on in her life that he had missed. Sheldon listened intently and Jada and Sunny watched them, grateful that Mercedes seemed to know what to say and do to get him to act right. In the hours that she visited him, Jada got a glimpse of the son she loved, and not the menace he had become.
Sunny, meanwhile, had been caught up in a whirlwind of activity. The Vintage show had been the talk of all the fashion and entertainment circles, and the print ads appeared in just about every major magazine in the months that followed. She and Olivia were constantly attending parties and their careers had both taken off. Sunny’s movie was in preproduction and she and Abe were like old friends now as they worked together to finalize the script. With all this going on, the last thing she had in mind was a ten-day vacation to sunny Acapulco with Malcolm.
He watched her staring out the window and shook his head. “You’re scared.” He stood up and started putting his shoes on.
<
br /> Sunny frowned at him. “What are you talking about, scared? I’m not scared of shit.”
“Jenny G already agreed to stay here and watch Mercedes. She’s like a second mother to her, so you know she’s gonna make sure that she goes to school, that she eats, that she’s taken care of.”
“I know that.”
“And Jada is a big girl. She has her sister here with her, so it’s not like you’re leaving her literally by herself.” He shook his head again, convinced that she was making excuses. “You’re only backing out of this trip because you’re scared.”
“Scared of what, Malcolm? You sound stupid.”
“Scared of love.”
Sunny laughed as if the notion were absurd.
“You can laugh if you want, but I know it’s true.” He stood and faced her. “Months ago, I told you how I feel about you. Obviously, you don’t feel the same way. So I’d rather you just say that than stand here and make excuses about how Jada needs you to stay.” He laughed at how silly her excuse was. “I’m kidding myself,” he mumbled. “I might as well walk away from you now, while I still can.”
He grabbed his wallet off the night table and headed for the door.
“Stop being dramatic!” she called after him. Malcolm kept right on walking. Sunny went after him. “Malcolm!”
“What?”
She stopped in her tracks and stared at him. “Why are you making a big deal out of this? We can reschedule the trip.”
He shook his head. “No. Let’s not.”
As she watched him heading for the door, she realized that he was serious. She told herself that she didn’t care if he left, that she could have any man she wanted. But her heart dropped and she knew in that instant that she really did have love for Malcolm Dean. Despite her reservations about falling in love again, she was already gone.
“Malcolm!”
He stopped walking, his back still facing her. “What?”
She sighed. “Maybe Jada can survive without me.”