Bears of Burden: STERLING

by Candace Ayers

  Logan fell beside her on the mattress, smiling. She smiled back. His body was still hot next to hers, his breath like sun against her neck. "That was fun," she said. "Why didn't we do that last night?" Logan laughed and wrapped her in his arms, happy for once to be back home.

  Chapter 11

  Mia woke to the sun hitting her eyelids, which she was trying desperately to keep pasted shut. There were strange sounds coming from the living room. Laughter and voices; she could almost hear them smiling. She lifted her head off her pillow and put on a T-shirt and jeans. She had to work, but not for a few hours.

  Somehow, she'd thought she would find Tera sitting in the living room playing with Emma. It never factored into her mind that Logan might still be here. Her jaw hit the floor when she saw him high five Emma, who curled to the floor in a fit of laughter. Blonde ringlets circled her head like a halo. Did Logan curl her hair? Emma looked up just then and squealed.

  "Mommy!"

  Mia threw a look at Logan that said she was not happy about this, but then she wondered why she shouldn't be. Here was Logan, playing with his daughter. For the first time in her short life, Emma had a father. Only, neither of them knew it. Mia's head swam with mixed emotions. She felt light headed and made her way to the couch, sinking more than sitting into the tired old cushions.

  "Are you alright?" Logan asked, jumping up and kneeling beside her. Concern was etched on his face and Mia felt guilt overwhelm her as he pulled her hand into his.

  She nodded. "Fine, fine. Just... thirsty." It was all she could think to say. Logan immediately went into the kitchen. She heard him shuffling around and then he called, "Don't you have anything to drink. Orange juice or something?"

  Mia shook her head then remembered Logan was in the kitchen. "No," she called out. "I need to go shopping." The truth was, Mia was trying to hold out for a few more days until the next round of food stamps kicked in. "Water's fine," she said.

  "Just tap water," Mia said. Emma laid her head in Mia's lap and looked up at her with wide blue eyes that seemed to beg for something Mia wasn't sure she could give.

  "I like him," Emma whispered.

  Logan appeared with water, which he handed to her in a warped plastic cup she was sure was the best he could fine in her cupboard, then scooped up a delighted Emma and said, "Get dressed. I'm taking us out to breakfast."

  Mia shook her head but Emma was already running around the room, squealing with excitement. "I have to work," Mia said lamely.

  "No. The wedding rehearsal is today. You said you'd go with me. Come eat with us, then I'm gonna go help Rachel for a while and I'll be back later tonight to pick you up."

  Mia was shaking her head, trying to protest, but Logan's eyes were so blue. His face so set. And Emma... she was zipping around the room like a butterfly. Mia finally consented.

  The three of them walked to a nearby restaurant that wasn't on Harvest Road, but also wasn't far from it. It was both clean and dirty. The booths were cracked and old, the tile floor pasted with dirt stains, but the silverware sparkled and the food smelled good. Breakfast was fun, but it was also weird. Logan kept staring at Emma. Mia saw him doing the calculations in his head and wanted to yell at him to stop. That it was none of his business. Most guys would be happy to hear that the kid wasn't theirs. What was wrong with Logan anyway? His eyes darted back and forth from Emma to Mia and back again.

  "So Emma," he said after a plate of French toast was delivered to her. She looked up to him, smiling. "Where's your dad?"

  Mia's jaw tightened and her lips went blue. She had to bite her tongue to stop from yelling at Logan. Instead, she kicked him under the table. But it was too late. Emma was answering.

  "I don't know," she shrugged. "Mommy doesn't like to talk about him. She says he's famous and lives far away somewhere, but I don't know where. Do you know Mommy?" She turned her small head to Mia and looked at her with accusing eyes. Mia thought that was probably in her head, Emma wasn't really accusing her of anything, but the guilt still lingered.

  Mia sat fuming, glaring at Logan. She wanted to leave but didn't want to make a scene. "I think we're done here," she said. Emma looked at her plate of French toast and her eyes welled up.

  "I can't finish?" Emma asked with tears sitting in her eyes.

  "Just take big bites," Mia said, softening her voice. "I have to go to work."

  Logan shot her a look. "I thought we agreed," he said. He looked genuinely hurt and for a moment Mia felt her guilt double. "You said you'd go to the wedding rehearsal with me."

  Emma's squeal peeled across the restaurant. "Wedding? Who Mommy?"

  Mia turned to Emma. "No one you know. An old friend of Mommy's."

  Emma scrunched her face up. "Like Logan?" Mia nodded, wanting this conversation to end. "Can I go?" Emma asked.

  Now Mia turned on her. "No!" Emma's face crumbled and Mia instantly regretted the outburst. "Neither of us are going," she said, trying to soothe her now. "We can't. We don't have dresses."

  Logan's ears perked up. "Is that all it is?" Mia looked at him to see if he was joking. "What kind of dress do you want?"

  "Princess dress!" Emma cried. "Like the one at Mommy's job."

  Mia slammed her hand onto the table, startling all three of them and drawing looks from others. "We can't go," she repeated. "I have to work." She stood up and dragged Emma to the door. Logan followed, sullen, and walked them back to Mia's apartment with a pleading look in his eyes. Mia hesitated, then pushed Emma inside and shut the door on Logan.

  Chapter 12

  Logan was in the middle of stringing up some lights when Rachel poked him in the back. "Where were you last night?" she asked with a sly smile.

  "Out," he snarled.

  Her eyes flickered with irritation but instead of backing off she continued. "Out where? With who?"

  "Nowhere," he said. "With no one." He took two giant steps away from her but heard the crunch of the grass under her feet as she followed.

  "What's with you?" she asked. "My wedding's tomorrorow. You're supposed to be nice to the bride. "

  "Who's not being nice?" he demanded.

  She looked at him incredulous, then finally gave up and decided to leave him with whatever was causing his foul mood. He stared after her, feeling guilty for snapping at her. She hadn't done anything. Except introduce him to Mia.

  The more he thought about it, the angrier he got. Mia had cut him off years ago without any explanation—unless of course you counted that bullshit about not wanting to hurt Rachel. Emma was three. The last time—the only time, until last night—that he'd been with Mia was three years ago. Emma even looked like him. Mia had brown eyes. They were beautiful, but they were brown. Emma's were blue. They reminded him of a fresh, bright sky at the start of a new day. Mia's hair was golden. His was sandy. More dishwater blond than the treasure chest Mia had. Emma's was right between the two colors, an amalgam of the two of them. Everything fit physically.

  Then there was that stuff Emma said about her dad being famous and living far away. That could have just been some story that Mia had told Emma, but what if it wasn't? Logan didn't usually think of himself as famous, but his picture was in the papers a lot, and he was on television. And California was certainly a far cray from Oakville.

  Logan parents still lived here. They'd never left. He didn't understand how they didn't know more. How no one in this town could give him any answers. And what about Rachel? She used to be Mia's best friend. She must know something.

  He went up the stairs to her room—it was actually her and Erik's room, but he'd somehow managed to hide out since his arrival, not to be seen except perhaps at dinner time. Logan didn't get what she saw in him—he was kind of a dick. He knocked on her door. It was a light rap at first, but when Rachel didn't answer he started pounding on it.

  "For God's sake," Rachel screamed from down the hall. "I'm in here!"

  He knew he was on the verge of throwing a temper tantrum, and tried to check himself. He marched do
wn the hall to find Rachel in their parents' room trying on her veil.

  "What are you doing?" he asked.

  "Seeing which earrings look best with this veil," she said, looking in the mirror. Her voice was cool and crisp. She didn't turn to look at him, and Logan knew she was still mad.

  "Sorry I snapped at you before," he said.

  Though she was pretending not to look at him, Logan saw her eyes slid sideways and catch a peek at him. He knew was forgiven. "Is Mia coming to the rehearsal tonight? Who's coming tomorrow?" he asked. "I mean, has Mia decided on anything?" He was stumbling over his words and felt like an idiot. Luckily for him, Rachel was too reoccupied to notice anything weird.

  She rolled her eyes and sighed. "No. At least, I don't think so. You know, I don't know what's happened to her. How do you go from Harvard law to Smart Mart over night?"

  Logan shrugged. "Don't Mom and Dad know anything? Or some of your friends? It's a small town, someone must know something."

  "You'd think, right? But apparently Mia's super mysterious. She doesn't go anywhere or do anything. No one knows anything about her except for her job at Smart Mart. That's the one thing everyone seems to agree on." Mia shook her head. "I feel bad for her. It sounds like she has zero social life, and a bad job on top of that. No wonder she hides herself away, she's probably miserable."

  "You really don't know anything else?" he asked, trying to hide his disappointment.

  Rachel glanced at him. "No. Why do you care so much?" Rachel was looking at him a little too closely now. Logan felt the heat rise back up in him.

  "Did you ever stop to think that the reason you don't know anything about her is because you're a spoiled brat who only cares about themselves?" Logan shifted on his feet, knowing full well that he was blowing up at Rachel for no reason, but unable to stop himself.

  "I am not spoiled," she said, then smirked. "At least no more than you are." He paused in his exit.

  "I'm not spoiled," he said. "I worked hard to get where I am."

  "Yeah? Well me too." They glared at each other from across the room until Logan stormed off, deciding to go ahead and wallow in his tantrum for a while longer.

  Chapter 13

  Mia stared at the clock on her wall. She had no idea whether or not Logan was going to show up. She'd felt so guilty after breakfast that she'd meandered around her apartment, half-heartedly playing with Emma, before finally texting him that she'd go to the stupid dinner. Then she'd called Mr. Rayner and told him Emma was sick. He'd been less than thrilled but surprisingly understanding.

  Logan had texted back that he'd pick her up at six. Now six o'clock had come around and Logan still wasn't here. She was about to tell Tera to go home, that she wouldn't need a babysitter tonight after all, when there was a light knock on her door. She opened it to find Logan standing on the outside landing, flowers in his hand. Mia's heart melted. She hadn't realized till this very second how much she really wanted to see him again. She quickly turned her head so Logan wouldn't see the momentary tears well up in her eyes.

  He handed her the flowers which she put into water, and said hello to Emma, who tried to crawl up his legs. "I won't be back too late," Mia said and kissed Emma's head. Emma waved to them from the window and they both waved back. It wasn't until they were in Logan's car that Mia realized he hadn't said one word to her since he'd knocked on her door. He'd silently handed her the flowers. He'd silently stepped inside when she asked him to come in. He'd spoken to Emma, but not to her. She glanced at him in the driver's seat.

  "I'm really sorry about breakfast," she said. "Emma loved her French toast." He didn't say anything but at least he looked at her. She felt herself getting irritated. What right did he have to be mad? He'd crossed a line today. "You shouldn't have asked Emma all those questions you know. That wasn't right."

  "What is right then?" he snapped. "Not telling Emma who her father is? Does the father know?"

  Mia fought back the tears that constantly seemed to be threatening to spill over lately. "None of your business," she said.

  They drove the rest of the way in silence. When they got to the dinner, Logan didn't even open the car door for her, he just went straight inside. Mia followed after him, wishing she'd gone to work after all. Maybe it wasn't too late to get out of this. Then Rachel saw her and swooped in, throwing her arms around her and telling Mia how happy she was that she'd come.

  "Well, your brother dragged me," Mia said. Rachel shot Logan a grateful look, but he ignored them both, choosing to focus on the scotch at the bar instead. He poured himself a drink and only allowed himself a quick glance at Mia when she turned her back and couldn't see him looking.

  Dinner was nice, except for the awkward silence between Mia and Logan. Luckily, no one else seemed aware of it. They were too busy making speeches, listening to speeches, and stuffing their faces with free food. After dessert had been served Mia found Logan out on the deck and told him she wanted to go home.

  "Am I supposed to care?" he asked.

  "You brought me. It's your job to take me home." She studied him. His eyes looked lost and sunken. "Damn it!" she shouted. "You're drunk again! Forget it, I'll find my own way home."

  She turned to go back inside, thinking she could walk to the bus stop if she had too, even in heels.

  "Wait!" Logan called, grabbing her arm. It wasn't forceful, it was just urgent. "Please don't go. You're always going." His voice cracked.

  Mia turned and was shocked to see tears in his eyes.

  "Logan," she said, pausing, then throwing her arms around him. She didn't know what she was doing. She should either leave him alone or tell him the truth, she just wasn't sure which was better for everyone involved. Which would hurt the least?

  Every time Logan looked at her she melted a little more. Mia hated seeing him upset and knowing that she was the cause. She wrapped her hands around him, trying to comfort him. His lips were soft and warm and the taste of them instigated a short replay from the previous night. His hand reached up and caressed her cheek. His touch was too much to bear.

  "Why won't you be honest with me?" he asked.

  She jerked her head away and stepped further into the darkness, turning away from him. The finishing touches were still being set on the yard for the wedding tomorrow, and the Chinese lanterns were all off, just hanging gray against a black sky.

  "I wish you'd stop," she said.

  "Why? Stop what? Trying to get the truth out of you? I'm not stupid Mia!" Logan wasn't holding back anymore. He let his rage and pain out and hit Mia with it full force. "If you love me then stop lying to me!"

  Mia's heart broke a little more each time she heard the anger in his voice directed towards her. "I don't think you're stupid," she said.

  "Then what the hell is it? Emma's three. She looks just like me. Like us. Just say it already. Just tell me!" He was screaming at her and if the music inside hadn't been so loud Mia was sure the whole party would have heard.

  "Fine fine yes!" she screamed, and spun back to face him. Tears poured over her cheeks. "She's yours. You're right. Emma's your daughter." Logan stared at her, his face screwing into a mass of internal explosions too complicated for words. "Well?" she continued to scream. "Are you happy now?" She sank to the ground and curled her knees to her chest, sobbing.

  Logan knelt beside her and put a hand on her shoulder. "Why didn't you tell me?"

  She heard the hurt in his voice and wanted more than anything to take that away. To make him understand. "I was trying to help you," she said. Now that it was out, she might as well tell him everything. "You'd just gotten drafted. I didn't find out till after you'd left. I knew I couldn't do Harvard. But I knew I couldn't give her up either. I didn't see any reason to steal your dreams from you."

  Logan stared at his feet. "You should have told me. It wasn't your decision to make."

  She nodded, seeing that so clearly now. "But at the time, it felt like the right thing to do." She wished he'd understand. See her side. She only l
ied because she loved him.

  They sat on the deck, in the dark, while Mia sobbed. Finally, when her tears subsided, Logan said, "Come on, I'll take you home."

  Chapter 14

  Logan watched the staff set up the chairs and the band check their instruments. Loud, unpleasant music hung in the air as someone tuned an instrument. It had been a long, sleepless night for him. He couldn't believe Mia had lied to him like that, and for so long. If he hadn't come back for Rachel's wedding, would she have ever told him the truth?

  On the other hand... what an incredible sacrifice she'd made for him. He could only imagine what it must have been like for her when she'd found out she was pregnant. And to go through that alone, without the support of her parents or even a friend... That must have taken incredible courage. He was mad at Mia, but he kind of admired her too.

  "He big brother," Rachel said, walking up to him. "Whatcha doin'? Contemplating the gift you're going to give me on my wedding day?"

  He smiled in spite of himself. "Rachel... are you happy? With Erik I mean? He seems like kind of like..."

  "A jerk?"

  Logan smiled. "Well, yeah."

  She shrugged. "Nobody's perfect. He might be a jerk to others, but he's nice to me. And everything he does, he does for me." She smiled. "Even when he's being a jerk, it's all for my benefit."

  Logan laughed. Rachel gave a small cry just then as their mother stepped out onto the lawn holding what looked like a penguin ice sculpture.