by J. S. Cooper
I resisted the urge to laugh at myself. I could tell myself that I would do a lot of things for money, but at the end of the day, I had my limits. Maybe I could whip a man for a month for a hundred grand … if I didn’t also have to sleep with him. I would not sell my body. I wasn’t some hooker. Though as the thought crossed my mind, I saw another ad that caught my interest.
“Lucy, there’s an ad here that is looking for virgins. They will pay fifty grand to deflower you.”
“Hell no!” Lucy looked over her shoulder at me as she scrubbed the pot I’d burned kidney beans into the night before. “We are not selling our virginity for fifty grand!”
“What if we auctioned it? I’ve heard of women doing that on eBay and stuff and getting, like, a million dollars.” I held back a grin so she would think I was being serious.
“You’d move back to Florida and I’d move back to California before I let that happen.” She rolled her eyes at me. “We want to lose our virginity to men we love, to passionate guys with six packs and dimples, not some old fat ass with bigger boobs than us and sagging balls.”
“Who says the guys that buy our virginity are old and have sagging balls? Also, I don’t really want a guy with a six-pack. You know I prefer a guy with more meat. I want a guy with muscles, yes, but not too muscular.”
“Savannah, you are not selling your virginity to Billy Bob in Kentucky with no teeth and no hair.”
“That’s rude. I tell you, Kentucky has some hot-ass guys.”
“They aren’t bidding on your virginity ...” She raised an eyebrow at me and shook her head. “End of discussion. Apply for those jobs already, and then we can look online and see if we find any other suitable options.”
“Yeah, because these options are so great ...” I said under my breath and turned back to my laptop and typed.
My mom always said if something sounds too good to be true, it is. But still, this was New York, and there were so many quirky millionaires and billionaires, maybe it would be legit.
To Whom It May Concern,
I would like to request more information about the assistant job I saw advertised in Sunday’s newspaper with the high six-figure starting salary. I have a bachelor's degree in English and many years of work experience and I think I would be a suitable fit for the job. My questions are as follows:
1. What is the exact nature of the job?
2. Is it a strict requirement that I live with the boss? If so, can I have friends and others over?
3. The ad states there is a uniform. May I ask what sort of uniform? And why?
Also, in lieu of sending a photograph, I’ve sent a picture of my very friendly dog who would also join me if I were to get the job.
Yours sincerely,
Savannah Carter
I reread the email I’d sent and nodded. This sounded good, and the photo of Jolene was cute. Who could say no to living with her? I wanted to ask more questions but figured I’d wait for a response first. I hit send and then grabbed my phone to call about the other job. It rang twice before someone answered.
“Talia Enterprises, how may I help you?” The voice was sharp, but I tried to not let it dissuade me.
“Hello, my name is Savannah Carter. I’m calling about the job I saw advertised in the newspaper.”
“Which one?”
“The sales job making six figures.”
“Oh yes, yes, hold on, please.” Before I could answer, the sound of music was playing in my ear. I debated hanging up the phone but stayed on the line. Just because the receptionist sounded like a bitch didn’t mean that everyone at the company would be hostile and mean.
“Hello, Vanna, this is John Boy speaking.”
“It’s Savannah.” His name was not really John Boy, was it?
“Yes, Vanna. How can I help you?”
“I was calling about the job.”
“Which job?”
I withheld a sigh. “The sales job.”
“Aw, great, great. This is an awesome opportunity. Totally awesome. For the right person. High salary. Great benefits. There’s a lot of money to be made.”
“Well, that sounds great.” I could feel myself perking up. “So, can I get some more information?”
“Of course, of course.” He sounded overly friendly now. “We are the fastest-growing company in the last five years. I started in sales myself, and now I’m a manager. Yup, yup. Very great company. I think you will love it. Great opportunity and lots of money. If you have expensive tastes, you will want to work here.”
“Hmm, okay, but uhm, what exactly do you sell, and what would my job be? What kind of sales?”
“Have you ever sold anything before?” he asked me cheerfully. “Doesn’t matter if you haven’t, of course, we will train you. All training is provided in our state-of-the-art office in New Jersey. Where do you live?”
“I’m in Manhattan.”
“Oh, okay, well, just a train ride away. We’re in Jersey City. You can see the skyline from Jersey City, did you know that? Great bang for your buck.”
“Uhm, okay. And what do you sell again?”
“Do you have a lot of friends? Or any friends looking for a job? Or a great investment opportunity?”
“Investment opportunity?” I wrinkled my nose and looked over to Lucy who was smiling at me, looking hopeful once again. I knew it worried her that we’d be kicked out if I couldn’t find my half of the rent, so I tried to ignore the warning bells ringing in my head. “What do you mean?”
“Oh, nothing, nothing. Can you come for an interview tomorrow morning? Around ten a.m.”
“Yes. Yes, I can.”
“Okay great, bring your photo ID and social security card and bank account information so we can fill out the paperwork.”
“The paperwork?”
“So you can get started as soon as possible.”
“But I don’t have the job yet.”
“Oh, I can tell you will be a great fit at Talia Enterprises, the interview is just a formality. I’ll see you tomorrow. Just Google Talia Enterprises New Jersey for our address. Once you arrive, ask for John Boy and I’ll come and take you to my office.”
“Do you have a last name, John Boy, or is it Walton?”
“Sorry what?” He sounded confused. “Why do you want to know my last name? Who do you work for? You’re not with the SEC, are you?”
“What?” It was my turn to sound confused. “I don’t work for anyone. That’s why I’m applying for this job. I was making a joke because the only John Boy I know was in The Waltons.”
“I don’t follow the Walmart family, sorry.”
“What?” I closed my mouth as it fell open. “The Waltons is an old TV show. Maybe you never saw it? Sorry, I grew up with it. My mom loved to make me watch the shows she grew up with.”
“Okay, well, good, good. See you tomorrow. Oh, and we have a business casual policy, so dress to impress. Goodbye, Vanna.” And with that, he hung up the phone.
I stared at my black screen for a few seconds and I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
“Well, I have some good-ish news.” I stood up and walked over to the kitchen. “I think I might have a job. Bad news is, the hiring manager sounds like he’s out of his mind, but hopefully, I won’t be working under him.”
“Congratulations, are you going to take it, then?” Lucy beamed happily. “Did he say what the salary was?”
“Nope, he just said it was high, and that there was a lot of room for growth. But he also asked if I had friends interested in investment opportunities.” I bit down on my lower lip. “What the hell does that mean?”
“Oh, I bet they’re looking for investors so they can expand.” Lucy shrugged.
“Expand what and into where?”
“I don’t know. Maybe ask tomorrow.” She did a little dance. “This is so exciting. You know what this means, right?”
“No, what?”
“Tonight, we open the bottle of wine I got at Whole Foods last wee
k. Let’s celebrate.”
“Do you really think we should celebrate already?” I stared at my phone screen. “I don’t have the job yet.”
“Okay, fine, we can celebrate tomorrow.”
“Ooh, I got a reply from the other job already.” I opened my email account up and read the response quickly. “Hmm, this guy sounds like a jerk.”
“Why what did he say?”
“Listen to this.” I cleared my throat and then read his email.
Ms. Carter,
How do you know you’ll be a suitable fit for the job if you do not know the nature of the work? My ad specifically stated I was looking for an MBA grad, not an English grad who knows nothing about the real world.
1. This would be discussed in the interview.
2. Yes, you would live with me. And no guests are allowed.
3. The uniform would be provided on your first day. You don’t need to know why.
The job advertisement asked for a personal photo, is this your way of telling me you look like a dog?
Today must be your lucky day because you’re the only person that responded to my ad. Are you available for a phone interview tomorrow?
The Wade Hart
“Who the hell calls themselves The anything. What a pompous jerk.”
“Is he famous?” Lucy asked, sounding curious.
“I don’t know, let me check.” I opened the internet browser on my phone and typed in Wade Hart. Several thousand results came up for the name so I then typed in wadehart.com, but no website showed up. “There are too many listings for Wade Hart, but none of them seem famous.”
“Check out the photos and see if any look cute.”
“Lucy, even if I saw cute photos, I wouldn’t know if it was him, and who even cares? He essentially just called me a dog.” I shook my head and closed my phone. “I think I’ll pass on Mr. Wade Hart. I basically have this job tomorrow, and even if my boss is a douche, I’ll suck it up for a few months to make some money, and then I’ll get a new job or something.” I nodded. “I mean it’s a job. It’s like you said, something is better than nothing.”
My stomach growled just then, and I rubbed it pitifully, hoping that dinner would be ready soon. I had a sinking feeling, but I was hoping it had more to do with the fact that I was hungry than the fact that I still did not understand exactly what sales I’d be doing once I hit New Jersey.
Chapter 2
I checked my reflection in the tiny compact mirror Lucy had gotten for me in Florence and decided I looked smart and professional. I had on my best navy-blue suit and black pumps, and my hair was tied in a loose bun at the top of my head. I took a deep breath, placed my compact back in my handbag, licked my lips, and walked into the office building in front of me. There was a small silver sign next to the number that read Talia Enterprises, so I knew I was in the right location, even if nothing else about the building looked that professional. I walked through the doors and headed to the check-in desk where an old man sat with earphones in.
“Well, I was telling Jimmy, put a hundred on it for me. If Prince Caspian comes in first, I’ll make five hundred bucks, and I told Jimmy I’m good for it.” He was talking quickly.
“Hello, I’m here for—” I began, but he held his hand up to stop me.
“I even told him I would split the winnings with him. And do you know what that bastard said to me? He said no.” The man started coughing, and I looked around to see if there was anyone else that could help me.
I spoke up again. “Excuse me, but I have an interview and—”
“Lady, I’m on the phone.” He looked annoyed. “So, Jimmy doesn’t place the bet and Caspian comes in and I called him and I said, look, you could have been …”
As the man continued talking, I looked around the small, decrepit-looking lobby and saw an elevator. I walked away from the man and headed toward the elevator.
“Lady, you can’t go in there, sign in first,” the man called from behind me, but I didn’t even bother turning back. There was no way I would be late for my interview because I was listening to him talk about horse racing. I pressed the button and walked into the elevator, willing my nerves to subside as I pressed the button to take me to the fourth floor, where Talia Enterprises was located according to the sign next to the numbers.
A moment later, the ding of the bell alerted me to the fact that I had arrived on the fourth floor. I plastered on an enormous smile as I stepped out into the hallway. Directly across from the elevator was a wide-open door through which I could hear the bustle of people chatting. I headed to the door and peered in.
“Hello?” I stepped inside.
“Hey, what’s up?” A young guy with a green mohawk looked at me with a smile.
“I’m here to see John Boy. About a job?”
“Oh, okay, cool. Cool.” He grinned and walked over to me. “I’m Andrew.”
“Nice to meet you. I’m Savannah.”
“Savannah. Cool. Cool.” He nodded. “I guess that’s better than marsh or desert.”
“Sorry, what?”
“A savanna is a grassy plain in a tropical region with few trees.” He sounded as if he’d recently memorized that information for a test. “Better you were named for that type of topography. Though I think it would be cool to be called—”
“Uhm, is John Boy here?” I interrupted him. “I’m here for an interview, and I don’t want him to think I’m late.”
“Sure, sure. Hold on.” He turned around and then shouted, “John Boy, come to the front, some chick is here to see you!” He turned back to me and nodded. “That should do it.” He picked his nose and then grinned at me. “Good luck, you’ll enjoy working here.”
“Thank you,” I said as he walked away, trying to hide my disgust. Every bone in my body was screaming and begging me to run as quickly as possible. This place was like the Twilight Zone, and not in a good way. Who the hell were these people? I looked around the room as I waited for John Boy to join me. To my left, there was a table of about three women on phones with stacks of papers in front of them. Sitting behind them stood Andrew and another guy who were placing small packages into individual boxes. I was about to ask them what they were doing when a slim man with big blue eyes hurried toward me.
“Vanna, there you are.” He held out his hand to greet me. “So glad you could make it. I’m sure you must be excited to start today.”
“To start?” I blinked. “Uhm, I thought I was here for an interview?”
“Well, I considered our phone call yesterday the interview, this is your first day. Congratulations.” He nodded. “This is a marvelous opportunity for you. Very marvelous and very great. There’s lots of money to be made here. Lots and lots of money.”
“About that … What’s the salary?”
“You’ll find our compensation scheme is very, very generous.” He nodded. “You won’t be disappointed. Let’s go to my office and we can discuss.”
“Uhm, okay.” I followed behind him and as we passed Andrew, I looked down at the plastic bags. Each bag contained a hairbrush, comb, and hairspray. “And you’ll tell me exactly what the position is? Sorry, but I feel like I don’t even know what the job is.”
“Don’t worry, you’ll be great. Maybe you’ll be a manager by next month.” John Boy’s fingers seemed to twitch, and I wanted to tell him he still had answered none of my questions. We finally made it into his office, which, to be fair, looked nice with its large wooden desk and iMac computer. “Have a seat.” He nodded to the leather chair, and I sat down as he walked to his seat on the other side of the desk. “So, will you be using a credit card or check today?”
“What?”
“We take Visa, Mastercard, American Express, Discover,” he smiled widely. “And checks.”
“I didn’t bring any checks, but I noted my routing and account information ...” I frowned. “I can fill that in when I fill out the payroll info, though. I didn’t know you could pay people through their credit cards.”
<
br /> “Oh, we will give you checks. The credit card is for the payment you’re making today.”
“Payment for what?” Sweat started to trickle down the back of my neck.
“Well, that’s up to you. Would you prefer to be a bronze, silver, gold, or platinum employee?” He beamed at me. “All of them are great, but obviously you’ll make more money when you start off at a higher level.”
“Start off with what?” My fingers clutched the side of my bag. What the hell was he talking about?
“Well, as you can see, we are the number-one retailer for top-quality hairbrushes, combs, and sprays, and our packets go for the cheap price of $25. We try to sell our packs to stores and hairdressers across the country.”
“Uhm, okay ...” I bit down on my lower lip. “And so what would my role be?”
“Well, you would be the most important person in the company. Your role in sales would have you cold-calling customers to make appointments to show our first-class goods. Then you will take them directly to the customers’ houses and sell them. We have several other products you can upsell them with to make even more money.”
“Okay.” My heart was racing now and my brain was wondering if I could run out of his office without him catching me. “So, what’s with the different levels?”
“Well, obviously we can’t just trust you with the products. You choose a starting level of products to buy and sell. As an employee, you will receive a discount, so you can buy the packets at $20 and sell them for whatever you want.”
“You want me to buy the products I’m supposed to sell for you?” My jaw dropped. “What?”
“And if you have any friends or family who might be interested in this amazing investment opportunity, you get a discount. So, each friend you refer that signs up to be a salesperson gives you $1 off each package.” He grinned. “For life.”
“Is there a salary as well?” My voice trailed off. I wasn’t even sure why I was asking, there was no way I was working here.