Post-Apocalypse Dead Letter Office

by Nathan Poell

  I don’t know how much you know about the Mormons, their belief system, etc. I’ll confess to knowing next to nothing about it, myself. But once the world ended, you know, the whole Mormon community – so basically all of Salt Lake City and a whole bunch of others in Utah – went a little bit nuts. They have basically taken to not speaking to anyone outside their faith, effectively cutting themselves off from, oh, the rest of the world. In response, virtually all of the other folks in the city moved out to the surrounding communities (or states). So, with that in mind, there is really no point at all in stopping in Salt Lake. Now, nobody is going to hassle you or give you a hard time, but if you break down, nobody is going to help you. So, I say again, be sure to pull some maintenance in Provo.

  Now, getting back to that first day. You’ll stay on I-15 all the way through SLC. Try to get to Farmington that first day. It’s 70 miles, give or take a few. That’s a long day, no doubt, but again, you’ll be well-rested and the route is not challenging in the least.

  Next day, shoot for Honeyville or Tremonton. You’re still solidly in Mormon turf, so don’t expect friendly receptions. They won’t stop you from getting water from reliable sources, though, so avail yourself.

  Day three, continue on I-15 up to Malad City, ID. I know you’re looking back and forth at your map now and saying, what? OK, if you head northwest on I-84 you’ll shave about 60 miles off your travel time. So why keep on going north? Well, there are better water sources on I-15, a great water source and resupply point in Pocatello, and water all the way down to where you meet back up w/84. It’s up to you, but you’re in for a dusty trip through south-central ID if you head west too soon.

  Spend a night in Malad city, and cross over Malad Summit and head into Arimo the next day. There’s a good creek there. Day after that just continue on up 15 until you get to Pocatello. Then you can get more water and head out west from there, and best of luck after that!

  Hey, if you’ve got a day to spare in Provo – and after the trip through eastern Utah, you’ll probably need an extra day or so of rest – just drop by the Vineyard (general vicinity marked on the map for you) and ask for me. I’m originally from Olathe, KS, and still have some friends out that way... I think. So, I’d like to catch up a bit. We don’t get much news from out east, it would be really nice to have an update. Happy trails! –Sal A. Mander

  Grand Junction to Provo

  Don’t even know why I’m going along with this. I’m seeing what, like ten percent or so of the value of that beer? What is that, like a few gallons or so? And I’m not even getting the beer, just market value in scrip or some bullshit – great, more fucking sweet corn. What the hell ever. Guess I don’t have anything against you, whoever you are, and it’s not all that difficult for me to scrawl a few notes on the map... and one fewer dead family along this road is one fewer I have to smell on the way to and from Grand Junction.

  So. Leave out of Mack. Not Grand Junction or Fruita. Mack – it’s the last place in almost 100 miles you’re going to see anything resembling a stream. Stock up on veggies there or before – in Palisade! – then fill up every fucking vessel you have in Mack, drink till you’re about to burst, leave before dawn and get as far as you can while it’s cool out. With a little luck you’ll make it to Cisco or thereabouts before the sun gets to be too intense. You can look around for water there, but don’t expect to find any, and don’t expect any you find to be potable – one mudhole in particular still has a couple dead deer in it. BAD WATER. Just get under some shade – oh, yeah, and you’ll have to bring your own of that. You might want to travel a bit at dusk, just to get a bit further along. Up and at ‘em the next day, just as before. You should make Floy without any real problem. You can stay there and scrounge around for water or try pushing on to Green River – about fifteen miles further. There’s a decent little river there. Fill up again, just like in Mack. Woodside’s a half day’s ride away after that, heading up highway 6. Then Wellington, the day after that. Buy whatever shitty, overpriced food and supplies you need in Wellington and spend the night there. Next day get up the pass. Don’t waste time in Helper, just get through the fucking pass and take highway 6 – it’ll go to your LEFT! Spend the night in the canyon and get down to Soldier Summit or Gilluly the next day. You might find water there, but probably not. After that you should be able to get into Provo. Don’t stop in town, just ride your happy ass on down to the bay and drink your fill. It doesn’t taste very good, but it is freshwater. This is all really short, I know, but there’s really not much to it except enduring it. You’ll be hauling your ass through some nasty desert country and over a pass, and it’ll probably be the worst part of your entire trip. You’ll be in for more weirdness than you can figure as you head up north. Sal mentioned it, but I don’t think any description will enable you to fully grasp what Salt Lake City will be like. (He’s a little touched in the head, himself, if you ask me.) That place is fucked. But, of course, weirdest doesn’t mean worst. If you make it past the Moab area, you should have smooth sailing. Oh, and consider taking a hot bath up in Saratoga Springs, on the northwest side of the lake. ‘Cause by now, you stink. –Jan W.

  Pueblo to Grand Junction

  I know the other legs have told you how to get from east to west. Well, my brain can’t do that backwards-ass route stuff too easily, and I put off making notes until getting to Pueblo and Ron’s looking at me like I’m letting the air out of his tires as I write this down, so you’re going to have to deal. It’s not that hard really – the route planning that is. But forget what the other folks said, this will be the most difficult part of your trip. Most of it will be pleasant, but one part in particular is a make or break deal.

  So, Grand Junction. What can I say except that it’s a shithole these days. You’re going to want to get in and out as quickly as humanly possible, and don’t even think about spending the night there. But, it’s a natural stock-up point for you, so before you go, hit one of the smaller communities just to the east. Best one is Palisade. Buy as much damn produce as you can carry there – it’s good and cheap! Head out of the Grand Junction area on highway 50. It’s probably a day’s trip between there and Delta, then another between Delta and Montrose. Now take your time in here, keep yourself and your animals healthy and well-fed and watered. Take another day to get from Montrose to the reservoir, and another to get from the reservoir to Gunnison. Again, pace yourself! All these roads are going to be passable in the summer and into early fall (right now they fluctuate between shitty and phenomenally shitty). Once you get to Gunnison, take a day’s rest and re-stock. You won’t think you’ll need to, but you’ve got to be prepared at this point. Now, take a day to get to Sargents or thereabouts, then rest. Next day, mount up early as you can, ‘cause you’re heading up Monarch Pass through the Great Divide. If you follow advice well and your animals are in OK shape, you’ll get to the top mid-afternoon. You’ll be tempted to head down that day, but for Christ’s sake don’t! Your horses are going to be more tired that you can possibly imagine, so make camp that night best you can. There can be some weird weather in the pass, so be ready for lightning or odd squalls to blow up. They typically don’t last long, but they can be pretty bad. There’s an old restaurant/tourist trap place up there that’s out of business now, you can probably wedge yourselves in there if the weather gets nasty enough. Next day you should be able to make it into Salida – go easy on your horses heading down the pass. From there, just take it one day at a time again. Salida to Canon City, rest. Canon City to Pueblo, rest. Restock in Pueblo – there’s a good reservoir just to the west. Food’s a bit more expensive there, but it’s worth it to not have to go north for anything.

  Now just switch the comes to gos and froms to tos and vice versa and you’re golden.

  Now, OK, you’re probably thinking, why couldn’t I just take 70 west from Denver to Grand Junction. Well, you could. Could. But if you did you’d regret it. It can be difficult getting through Denver these days, and I-70 from there
isn’t the best route to begin with. Tunnels get blocked with snow or boulders. I know that’s not much detail, but trust me when I say that it’s just not a good route for you to take.

  I’d wish you luck, but I don’t believe in it. –Bridgestone BOB

  Hays to Pueblo

  First off, as a general rule, try to get as much traveling done as possible in your mornings. It’ll be cold when you roll out, but will warm up pretty quick, and in the summer there are regularly afternoon thunderstorms right up on the front range. They can be severe enough to wash you off the road, so if you need to, stop and find some way to anchor your buggy or wagon or whatever’s taking you out west.

  OK, day one: Hays to WaKeeney. This’ll be as easy a day for you as there will be on this entire trip, assuming you rested up a bit in Hays (and didn’t get a whiskey bottle smashed over your head) or wherever it is you last stopped. If you don’t have any water or run out, you can take a hardtack road – no dirt roads! – a mile or two south or north and there’ll be a stream in just a few miles. Big Creek, to the south, is the closest and best but can be intermittent and the farmers around there are a little overprotective at times.

  Day two: This’ll be a long one for you. WaKeeney to Oakley. Won’t be a bad little ride, just long. Head out as early as you possibly can so you can make it into Oakley before dusk and get more water. Also, visit the gigantic prairie dog shrine out there. Weird. You’ll definitely want to water up in Oakley, because the next leg is a doozy.

  Day three: Taking I-70 up to Colby and west from there seems like a natural. Don’t go that way. Since BBOB had to bite his tongue and dissemble a bit about it, I’ll explain a bit. Denver has become a tightly-controlled syndicate town. Virtually nobody comes in or goes out without the approval of the mob. They have roving bands of thugs just cruising all around the city, scouting things out, stopping folks who are getting around by any other means than walking, and administering beatdowns if necessary. That’s all they do. It’s been like that since a year after the lights went out, and has only gotten worse since a fire wiped out a huge chunk of town a few years back. They’ve even got an outpost of ex-cons in Burlington, just over the Colorado-Kansas border – not worth tangling with. And anyway, you wouldn’t want to go north or west out of Denver. But BBOB and everyone else have covered that much. So, save yourself the trouble of going northwest to Colby (then having to swing back south to go to Colorado Springs or Pueblo) by just taking highway 40 west out of Oakley. It’s a decent road, and you’ll be able to get to Wallace or Sharon Springs by late afternoon, anyway.

  Day four: OK, you’ll cross into Colorado today. You’ll be able to get to Cheyenne Wells, at the very least, but probably won’t be able to make it to Kit Carson. Stop in Firstview. It’s a nowhere town’s nowhere town, man. Nothing there, not even a bar.

  Day five: Head over to Kit Carson in the morning. Then you’ll have a decision point. You can stay on 40 west or take 287 south. Depends on whether you want to head into Colorado Springs or Pueblo before tackling the Great Divide. Personally, I’m partial to Pueblo. The water sources on the way there are a bit more reliable, and the route itself is less severe. But I’ll describe the first route quickly. To get to Colorado Springs, take 40 west to Aroya, then 94 all the way into the Springs. There are a few creeks in between Aroya and Colorado Springs, very little in the way of people. Should take you two and a half, maybe three days to get there from Kit Carson. Now, to get to Pueblo, take 287 south. Don’t stop in Eads, you should be able to get past it and to a reservoir around there within one day. Day after that head down past Wiley and take highway 50 west up the Arkansas. Plenty of water and a decent road! Should take you a couple days to get into Pueblo after turning west.

  From Pueblo or Colorado Springs, it’s up to you. –Ron Hightail

  Lawrence to Hays

  Not sure if I understand the entire concept correctly. You’re moving out to Oregon, I got that. But you’re – how are you going? It sounds like you got kids, so I hope to Christ you either own a good, converted compact car as a wagon and a few damn strong horses or a couple unobtainium-light tandems with strong kids as stokers and a couple decent cargo trailers. The other legs sounded like they thought you had animals. Being half-camel wouldn’t hurt, either, but anyway... hey, look, the letter and accompanying junk made it this far, so it’s possible. Guess you should look at it that way.

  I’m assuming you know how to get from De Soto to Lawrence. If not, you’d best just cancel your plans right now, because you’re sure as hell never going to be able to figure out how to traverse half – and the arid, most mountainous half, at that – the continent. So, you get to Lawrence. Whichever way you came into town, you’re going to want to take I-70 out. There are three place to get on the interstate, not that hard to figure out. Stay on 70 through Topeka – don’t take 470 or you might get confused. Now, you’ll probably be tempted to stop in Topeka. That’s your call, but if you push through town there’s a nice stream just a few miles to the west. Good place to rest people and animals. The next place you’ll really want to take a rest is Salina. You might think you can make Junction City in a single day. It’s possible, but don’t. Don’t stop in Junction City, don’t even look at it as you’re passing through. It’s not clean and not safe. You could stay a night in Manhattan, but it’s a ways off the route. Best to just camp by a small stream wherever you can find one. Sure hope you have a decent tent or something. So yeah, stay another night in Salina. River’s just east of town, for watering your horses if you have them. A couple stores in town, so stock up on food if you need to and sundries. Fill up on water here! Things get drier the further west you go. There’ll probably be a stream here and there for you, and there’s a good lake just north of Wilson but it’s off the beaten path. Actually, staying in Wilson is probably your best bet. If you need water, you can make a sidetrip up to Wilson Lake. Another day, probably, and you’ll be in Hays. Like the last guy said, steer clear of the bars and anywhere along the main drag at night, it can be a rough town these days. Fill up on water again and God speed you the rest of the way. If you see a guy on a mint green bike, that’s me. Wave if you feel like it, but don’t bother stopping.

  – B. Onkey

  To: Candace Gillentine, Overland Park, KS

  From: Sam Gillentine, Wichita, KS (mailing from Salina)

  June 12th, 20+4

  Hey babe, it’s Sam.

  Got your letter earlier this year. Quite a surprise to hear from you. Sorry to learn about your beau Harlan. It’ll come as no surprise to you that I never cared for him too much, but since he made you happy, I suppose that made him OK in my book.

  Still can’t believe it has been five years since you left. I figured you’d head on over to Kansas City, have yourself a big time for a few months, wind up flashing your tits (or other parts) to the wrong guy in front of Harlan, then make your way back. Never counted on the whole world going to hell in a bucket. After that it’s been almost all thinking about my next meal, parting out old cars and vans for pieces folks can use to heat their house solarwise. Never knew much else. Can’t garden – but not for lack of trying, lately, tell you that – can’t sew or butcher cattle or do any of the other hundred or so things a hell of a lot more important now than fixing up busted transmissions. Just a wrench. Never saw much money or food or anything else out of it, just enough to get by on. Living hand to mouth... pretty much like before, but with even less barbecue and no television, lights or running water. Heheh.

  But I got the gist of the message. The part about Sean, I mean. I hadn’t seen the kid in the better part of a decade, I suppose, and I only had the one little photo of him in my wallet. The one from his high school graduation, with the rat stache and bolo tie. Yeah, I kept it. I can’t look at it too often or for too long, though. He’s got your eyes, and ––-

  Well, so he’s important to both of us, even though I’d forgotten how much so when things were bad between you, me and the bottle. And I knew what you were
asking in your letter, and pretty much thought and felt the same way. But I couldn’t just up and leave overnight. No working bike, no map to speak of, no provisions. I wouldn’t have lasted long just going off half-cocked. So I went into the library after work one day, around noon or so – business had been slow over winter and hadn’t picked up yet – and checked out a book on bicycle repair. I figured that, with me being mechanically inclined, it wouldn’t be too awful hard, but might take me a couple weeks to really pick up on how to fix that old Schwinn of Sean’s. Well hell, come to find out there’s hardly anything to them. Just some bearings, racings and a chain, spokes, breaks and tires are all that ever needs maintained, and a couple oddly threaded bolts to keep in mind when taking the thing apart and putting it back together. So I pulled that Schwinn out of the shed and broke it down. Broke it all down, cleaned the bearings and other moving bits good with your old toothbrush and a rag, slathered those parts with Crisco and put everything back together. I couldn’t get the chain off because there is a special tool I needed for that, but I just wiped it off and greased it up well, and it’s good as new. Took the book back a couple days later – I think they were surprised to see it get returned at all. When I tried to check out a road atlas or other map book, they really put their foot down. Guess they’ve seen far too many maps just walk out and not come back. So I had to ride home – faster than walking was, though – and pick up a bit of paper. Then I went back to the library and trace the route. I did pretty well, I think. I didn’t include much, just the main ways into and out of Denver and the general outline of it and its suburbs. The whole trip one-way was something like 500 miles.