“Why can’t we, you and I, try one more time?”
“We won’t try again, because I refuse to. I love you too much, my heart gets in the way…you need a firmer hand than I can offer.”
I sat silent and stunned.
Something in the word love seemed to knock the anger from me. He was doing this because he cared for me, and I finally saw that. “You really want me to go?” I asked softly.
“Yes, I do. Or at least consider it. It won’t be easy giving you to another man, but we can’t go on like this. I don’t think our relationship can last if something doesn’t change.”
I couldn’t think of what to say. To lose Will would have been the worst thing possible.
I finally gave in. “And you trust him?”
“I do.”
“So how long…?”
“I don’t know. Several weeks, a couple months.”
“And my job?”
“You have to decide what’s most important.”
I already knew that answer, although the whole idea still seemed crazy.
“What will he do to me?”
“That’s up to him – and you. He can’t do anything without your consent. But once you give your consent, I know he’ll expect your absolute obedience.”
My fantasies flashed through my mind… “I suppose it might involve a certain amount of pain?” I could barely say the word.
“Perhaps.”
“Will you be there?” I asked.
“Maybe. But you probably won’t want me there most of the time.”
“You really believe that this will cure me?”
“You don’t need to be cured. It’s about acceptance. But you have to decide this for yourself. Reggie will respect you, but he will not love you. He’ll help you grow up. He’ll take you where you need to go – without emotion. He’s insightful and sensitive. Although as sensitive as you are, you’ll probably find him cruel at times. But that is all for your benefit.”
I recognized that a Reggie was, in fact, what I needed. Hadn’t I spent hours in my dreaming of such a master? Once again, my private thoughts were finding their way into my reality.
“It’s your choice,” he said gently.
“I need some time – to think.”
We both knew that the decision had been made as soon as Will presented me with the solution, but he was kind and gentle, my savior from the stairwell once again. “Take all the time you need.”
He held my hands. We stared at each other for several moments, and then he left me sitting alone on the pale blue chair. The door closed quietly behind him.
Chapter Eleven
The property rambled along the edge of a lake; meadows, forest, meadows again and green lawns, gardens of flowers, giving way at last to the house. I expected a stately mansion and was surprised to find a modern home of glass and wood. It sprawled atop the rise of a grassy hill, blue spruce and pine trees framed each side. Towering maples rose in front and back. The woodiness, manliness and darkness of its appearance was broken only by pots of deep red geraniums decorating the walkway to the front door. I would have thought the entire scene pleasant if it wasn’t for the foreboding nature of my visit.
I’d told myself I was doing this for Will and our relationship; but I knew inside that I was doing it for me. Three days before, I’d told Will I was ready. I made my announcement over dinner in a wooden-tabled, red-checkered establishment that served hearty red wine with rich continental food. It was an electric moment when I was purposeful and unwavering in my determination to set the adventure into motion. Desire in me was alive and I felt more certain of myself than ever.
Now, however, my raw intention was accompanied by an exhilarating mix of excitement and fear as we approached the house, walked up the geranium-lined walkway, and rapped the brass door knocker on the massive door.
“I’m scared,” I said to Will.
“This is what you want?”
“Yes, I know it is.”
“Then your fear will pass.”
Will had been cool and competent that morning, not without his usual gentleness, but cautious. I suspected he was just a bit afraid, too.
“I’ve so much riding on this, what if…”
“You’ll find Reggie Harold absolutely enticing. You’ll want to do as he says. Trust me.”
I expected a servant to answer, but it was Reggie himself who swung wide the massive door. At first glance I felt I knew him, and I nearly gasped aloud when we were introduced. He was remarkably handsome, with an air of sophisticated aloofness that was absolutely breathtaking. He was simply dressed in a pair of gray slacks and a stiffly starched white shirt that was open at the neck. His blond hair was trimmed short, professionally styled. His eyes were blue and intense, startling even; his square-cut jaw aristocratic. He displayed an incredible sense of himself, a confidence that I rarely see in anyone. I’d felt the same about Jane and Will, but with Reggie it was different, although I wasn’t exactly sure how to define it, except that he seemed driven by some dark, mysterious and restless force beneath the elegant cool reserve.
I was immediately uneasy.
“Come in, Alex,” he said. We followed him through the door, then he turned to Will saying, “I need to talk with Alex alone.”
I glanced at Will, sharing my fear with him – legs trembling, stomach doing flip-flops, my sexual desire shooting darts through me that I could hardly bear.
“I’ll be here,” Will said quietly, flashing his charming grin in my direction, then he walked down a short flight of stairs and out a pair of large doors to a pool, around which several people were reclining in the sun.
The spacious foyer where I stood with Reggie was tiled in gray and white marble. I gazed above to an elegant glass chandelier that could easily have graced a fine museum. To the left of the foyer was a wide staircase leading to the second floor; and to the right was a large living room raised about four feet above the entry level with a steel and glass balcony around two sides. Both entry and living room looked out of the back of the house through a towering two story glass window. The spectacular view included the rolling hills beyond the estate, while nearer to the house was the patio, pool and tiered gardens leading to a pond below.
I stood in awe, unable to move, until Reggie finally shocked me back to the present. “Come with me,” he said, pulling me away from my amazement.
The living room was furnished with expensive leather, dark woods, more glass and steel. Textured pillows, artful baskets and expensive art with a few splashes of color softening the masculine look – though it remained unmistakably a man’s domain. Reggie sat in a comfy-looking leather club chair, motioning me to the chair opposite – an upholstered, armless chair that was obviously designed for style not comfort. I sat up straight, almost primly, which made me feel even more awkward in his imposing domain.
“So, tell me why you’re here, Alex,” Reggie began.
“Will asked me to come see you,” I replied.
“No,” he immediately contradicted. “You chose to come, so why are you here?”
I was flustered by his abruptness. “Will thought you could help me.”
Still he wasn’t pleased. “You chose to be here, Alex, because you desire something from me.”
“Yes, I guess so.”
“There’s no guessing here. You’re no victim. You came because you wanted to. Because you wanted what I could do for you. You’re a strong woman and you’ve created this moment. If you insist on blaming your presence here on Will, you can leave now.”
Whoa! I almost gasped for air. No one had ever spoken to me like that before.
“Well yes, I’ve chosen to be here, but even so I’m scared.”
“Be fearful, it will excite you more.” His piercing eyes looked into me as if he could see my soul. I was fascinated by the power he had over me, over my body, my thoughts, my emotions. We had just met and he wielded such amazing authority.
“Since you can’t seem to answer my
questions, let’s start with your fantasies.” His gaze remained fixed, his eyes unwavering.
“My fantasies?”
“Yes. What do you think about when you masturbate?”
My god, I wondered if I could do this. “You…you want me to tell you…” I could barely speak. “I’m…I’m not sure if I can.”
“Alex!” The sharpness in his voice further electrified the moment. “You know exactly what I want you to tell me. Now begin.”
I squirmed in the chair, feeling so exposed and vulnerable. He might as well have asked me to remove my clothes. He continued to stare at me until I began, and then as I started he turned to gaze through the windows toward the pool, allowing me to ramble through my disjointed tale without having to look him in the eye.
“My first fantasies began in a bar…I’d be dancing…lewdly. Attracting men and when they joined me, they’d play…intimately, running their hands over my body…of course it led to sex – if I got that far.” I took a deep breath, hoping he’d stop me and when he didn’t, I continued. “Sometimes, I’d do a striptease in front of a crowd of men, wet t-shirt contest,” I admitted with some chagrin, “there was a biker bar, too, and big, burly, brutal men…stuff like that.”
Reggie turned to me. “Stuff like what?”
“Like…having sex, getting used by them.”
“In public?”
I grimaced. “Sometimes.”
“And these things actually happened?”
“Not exactly. But something similar. The bars were the same, the people, the men, the dancing, but I wasn’t ready…” My voice was nearly inaudible. “I got scared and ran.”
He stared out the window again, then back at me. “And there’s more. Go on.”
“But Will’s already told you…” I started to protest.
Again he looked at me, eyes boring through my body, “I want you to tell me, in your words.”
I gulped back my mounting emotion and took a deep breath. “When I met Will, the fantasies changed. They were stranger and very dark. I became submissive to masterful men. I was bound and spanked and made to serve them…like a slave.”
“How did you find this master in your fantasies?”
“My lover took me to him.”
“And what did this master have you do?”
He stared directly into my eyes now and I looked away. I was afraid I was writing my own script, afraid to tell him the whole truth, but even more afraid to lie. He would know somehow and I would regret that lie. I breathed deeply again, gathering up my courage—at the moment I would have rather taken on a roomful of men than confess to this one man. You can get through this, Alex, I kept telling myself, then suddenly drawing on courage I didn’t know I had I looked at him, not flinching this time and spilled the truth. “The master gives me opportunities to express my darkest desires. He tells me how to dress. He gives me to his friends…for sex. He makes me dance for them, then auctions me off.” I continued, laying out every detail I could remember from those long agitated nights. “The scenes evolve…never quite the same each night, but perhaps the most extreme…he takes me to a special room where he binds me and uses a strap on my ass, and that beating arouses me to orgasm.” As I tell my tale, I can feel the excitement in me rise.
“And how does it end?” he asked.
End? What did he mean? I was nervous, sweating, trembling from a deep place inside me, and yet, before I could consider his question for long, the truth spilled unexpectedly from my lips, driven by the growing desire generated by this remarkable man.
“The master made love to me and I made love to him.” I spoke in whispers, but the power of them gave life to my intention. I finished with that final confession. What more could I say? It seemed like a long while before either of us moved. When Reggie finally did, he drew a cigarette from a pack on the table, lit it with a gold lighter and after taking a drag, he handed it to me.
“No, thank you.”
He raised his brows, a signal of authority to match the gaze that pierced me. I immediately understood. Taking the cigarette, I put it to my lips and inhaled. Like a child’s first attempt, I choked. Reggie snickered and swiped the cigarette from my hand.
“You hide well, Alex.” He rose from his chair and proceeded to retrieve an ashtray from another table, then returned and sat down. Leaning back in his chair he took another puff. “As long as you’re here under my direction, I expect a woman of choice, not a poor little girl. You give me a woman or you don’t belong here.”
His dominating words sent a chill through me. But suddenly I had more to say and I couldn’t stop myself from explaining.
“I’m giving you the best that I can give you. Am I expected to find this easy?” The tone of my voice, even my choice of words surprised me, but I went on. “I don’t really know who I am, or what I want, but I’ve given up my past to be here and find out. I’ll do what you ask but I can’t guarantee I’ll walk into this without a glimpse of the woman I once was. She’s not that distant a memory. You’ll have to live with that fact, or I can’t be here.”
While I sat back bewildered by my sudden candor, Reggie smiled, apparently amused by my outburst.
“You’ve no need to fear me. Nor do you need to defend yourself to me. I know where you come from and where you’re heading; probably far better you know yourself.” He finished his cigarette and snuffed it in the ashtray. “But I want that spirit from you that you just displayed; without it, Alex, I wouldn’t be interested in you. I expect total honesty, complete compliance, your unwavering submission. There will be times when that will be difficult. Regardless, you will comply. I’m not a master. I’m a guide. I’ll take you no further than you need to go. But make no mistake about it, I have high expectations of you. I may push, I may shove and you may not like that, but I do know what I am doing. I know how to take you where your fantasies lead and give what you most desire.” He paused a moment, allowing me to digest the strong message. “You have any questions?”
“No.” That was a lie, but I didn’t know exactly what to ask.
“Then we’re finished for now. Find Will, I believe he’s by the pool.” We both stood, but before we moved on, he drilled me with his eyes again and carefully raised my chin to meet his gaze. He leaned down and kissed me on the lips. A small kiss. A sensuous kiss that lingered for a moment. Our energies merged and my desire fully flowered. Regardless of what he’d said, he’d become my master, and I was bound to him as surely as if he’d bound me with rope and led me on a leash.
He was already at the door on the far side of the room when I finally found my voice again. “Am I to stay?” I asked. He turned and looked back at me, distracted.
“No. I’ll call you when you’re ready.”
I don’t recall the pool or the others around it, only Will talking to a swimsuit clad woman reclining on a chaise lounge. There were no introductions, no further conversations.
As we left, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry or curse.
“Well?” Will spoke first.
“I thought I was going to stay.”
“You will.”
We rode in silence for some time, with Will content to let me stew in the jumble of feelings that the interview had roused in me.
“How well do you know Reggie?” I finally asked.
“I’ve been to his parties, a house guest four or five times. I’ve known him twenty years, since college.”
We continued again in silence.
“You knew he’d take me?”
“No, I didn’t. He doesn’t do this with many women, maybe five that I’m aware of. I wasn’t certain about this at all.” We left the winding road and found ourselves on the freeway, fast returning to the city. We were nearly home before we spoke again, and it was Will breaking the silence. “Alex, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing, it was all so intense.” And I could hardly tell him how much I desired Reggie. “Are we going to your apartment?” I wanted to make love to him. I was despera
te for his arms around me, his body, his kisses, the release that would follow. I felt as if a dam was about to burst inside me, spilling out all the bottled-up energy of the morning.
“No, I think you should have some time alone to consider this,” he answered.
That stung. I stared out of the window so he wouldn’t see the pool of tears forming in my eyes.
“Alex, I know what you want. I’d like to make love, too, but I also know that what you have chosen, at least what I think you’ve chosen makes it impossible for us to be together. Until your relationship with Reggie is over, you’re his. In fact, you’re his now. That’s if you intend to go through with this.”
“I will.”
“Then the drama has begun.”
I finally turned to him. “So, what if I stop now, what would you do?”
“I’d think you’d given up on yourself. How would you feel?”
“I’d feel like shit.”
He eyed me with a gentle look. “You know, you’ll feel better if you back up your decision with a little enthusiasm. After all, this is one of your creations. You might as well enjoy it. No one’s making you do anything.”
He’d stopped the car in front of the apartment house. Leaning over, he kissed me, reminding me of what we’d shared. I knew he loved me. I loved him, too.
In bed that night, I realized how right Will was. Reggie was in my sex, my emotions, in charge of all my fantasies. He wouldn’t leave until he’d explored every inch of me. Just before I fell asleep, it occurred to me that perhaps I was just as much inside Reggie as he was in me. Perhaps he needed me and our drama as much as I needed him. It was a challenging, daring thought. Then again, it might just be another foolish fantasy. I shouldn’t try to romanticize the man. I very much doubt he’d approve.
The Alexandra Series Page 8