Laura had been his past, and he hoped that maybe one day Kayla would be his future.
Like a bright shining star, Kayla radiated with the joy of living, as did her mother and sisters. They were like beacons of light, and they had led him here. All of them had played a part in his healing process, but it was Kayla who had jumpstarted his heart and got it beating again.
Not that he was healed. Not by a long shot, but he was now on the right path, taking baby steps to a full recovery. Going back to Boston scared the piss out of him. What if he returned and couldn’t do the job he’d trained for all his life? What if a patient’s life was in his hands, and he froze?
Fear was a man’s worst enemy, and he didn’t have the confidence to step back into the OR, and put it to the test. A life was in the balance and he damn well better not fuck around with it. Until he knew with certainty that he could do the job as well as he once had, he had no right to enter the OR.
On the other hand, allowing fear to determine his fate was a chicken’s way out. Easy to stay put in Paradise Cove, go fishing once in awhile, hang out with the most beautiful and kind hearted people he’d ever met. That was a no-brainer. It took real courage to meet your enemy head on, and fight your fear, defeat it so badly that it would never raise its ugly head again. That’s what a real man would do. A hero.
People around here, especially Kayla’s family, and Miguel’s, thought he was brave and heroic, but he’d been neither. He’d simply acted on instinct and saved a family from drowning. Any coward could do the same.
His head began to pound. Kayla would know better than him what he should do. She was the voice of reason and he trusted her opinion more than his own. And that was scary in itself. He needed her. She was that special someone he could confide in—an intelligent woman not only to converse with, but one who could make him laugh. She understood his frailty and didn’t condemn him for it. Instead, she loved him in spite of it.
He knew she was hurting and he’d do anything to ease her worry and prove to her that he’d never let her go. But how could he when he didn’t know himself? Back in Boston he’d be surrounded by friends—mostly hospital staff, but his time would no longer be his own. He’d be sucked back into the world he’d left, living and breathing the hospital wards.
Brittany walked up to him and took the platter out of his hands. How long he’d been standing there holding it—his eyes glued on Kayla, he had no idea.
“Hey, Dr. Sean. What’s the matter? You look like you just lost your best friend. Has something happened? Kayla didn’t say anything.”
He blinked and shook his head to clear his thoughts. “She doesn’t know what I should do, and I don’t either.”
“What exactly do you need to do besides have a champagne cocktail and some caviar?” She smiled brightly, but her eyes were serious.
He didn’t want to hurt this family. They had taken him in, and accepted him like one of their own. Anna probably had expectations that he’d be her first son-in-law. The idea didn’t scare him the way it should.
“One of my patients is having heart complications. He wants me, not some new doc he doesn’t know. I may have to go to Boston.”
“Fine. Dandy. Go take care of him and then come back.” She grabbed his arm and pulled him over to the table with the drinks and canapés. “See how easy that was? Everybody will be happy. It’s a win-win.”
He accepted the glass she handed him, and downed it in one thirsty gulp. “Maybe you’re right. I hope you are.” His eyes strayed to Kayla again. She was laughing and holding on an energetic conversation with a guy he hadn’t met.
He wanted to grab her and drag her off to bed. Caveman style. Throw her over his shoulder and ignore her kicking and screaming. As soon as the cottage door was closed he’d shut her mouth with his own. And take her, and take her, until she understood his need, and that no way in hell could he ever let her go.
“What is it?” Brittany asked. “What are you thinking?”
He smiled, and chuckled softly. “You don’t want to know.”
Her eyes brightened. “Oh! You do love her, don’t you?”
“I believe I do.”
“Then tell her. She needs to hear it. All women do.”
“Right about now, I think she’d prefer to kill me than kiss me.”
Brittany laughed. “Then you might have a little work ahead of you.” She nudged him. “Go on. Go get her.”
Taylor appeared just as he was about to make his move. She strolled over to the group and Kayla glanced his way. The frost in her eyes stopped him dead in his tracks.
Sean shoved his hands in his pockets. “I don’t think I’m in the mood to celebrate tonight. Tell Kayla I’ll see her tomorrow.” Without a backwards glance he left the pool party and strode down to his boat. He needed some alone time. A little peace and quiet to think things through. Leaving Kayla now would hurt her deeply, and his departure would also mean leaving Juanita before the child was born. He had fully intended to stay and see her pregnancy through, and make sure they were taken care of—but now what was he to do?
He sat on the stern of the boat and looked out at sea. It was a hot and humid afternoon, but a light breeze made it bearable. If it wasn’t for Kayla, he’d set sail and probably spend the night on his boat, but if he did that she would have a very good reason to be angry. He needed to make a decision, and to let her know the minute he did.
She deserved that. She deserved the best of him. And he needed a damn drink, and not a sissy drink either.
Entering the companionway, he took the steps down to the cabin and grabbed the bottle of scotch on the counter. He poured three fingers into a tumbler, then added some ice. He could think better with scotch, especially when it came to affairs of the heart.
Women would be the death of him. The love he’d felt for Sara had been total, complete, consuming every inch of him. Losing her had been worse than his own death. His wife had not been able to bridge the gap, and as much as she’d tried and he’d tried, they were only going through the motion. Neither of them had anything left inside of themselves to give. And along came Kayla. She hadn’t asked anything of him, she’d only given, and given, and now he didn’t know what to do.
He had to be fair to her, and he honestly didn’t know what that was. He had so much angst inside of him. And pain. He still needed to go visit his parents and let them know how he was making out. He had people in his life that cared about him, and he should reconnect with them, and put their worries behind. He’d been a selfish bastard too long. Kayla’s family, and Miguel’s, were both so open and eager to give everything of themselves, while he had contributed nothing.
He took a long sip from his scotch, letting it slide down his throat and make him forget about everything for a second, except the sheer potency of a good single malt. He lifted the glass to admire the crystal cut, and the amber-gold drink that could melt away a little of the turmoil building inside of him. God knew he’d used this exact bottle many times in the past few months to numb his pain, to free his mind, and to ease his heart.
He heard the sounds of laughter coming from the pool, and children splashing in the water, their excited voices carried by the wind. If he got up he could probably see them too. But he liked sitting right here, gazing upon the shimmering sea as the sun caught the waves just so. It was almost blinding, and his eyes smarted. He wiped a tear away. Should have worn glasses, but then he hadn’t expected to be here. He had expected to have a civil conversation with Kayla, enjoy her company and that of her other guests, and then take her to bed.
Sean raised the glass and took a hearty slug of the fine scotch, then wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.
He wanted that woman. She felt good in his arms, under him, sheathed around him as he pumped into her. And after too, when he’d look into her face and see the love shining in her eyes.
Quickly he downed the scotch, and slammed the glass against the deck.
He wished he could say to hell with B
rian Dempster and his bypass surgery, and to tell him to find another surgeon. Unfortunately people didn’t say no to men like that. He’d donated a new wing to the hospital and that kind of generosity guaranteed him and his family the very best in excellent care. But was he still the best? Sean couldn’t answer that with the same assurance he once had. And the real question that demanded an answer was—what would he do about Kayla?
CHAPTER THIRTY
Kayla saw Sean leave and wanted to do something to get his attention. Throwing a pitcher at his head had flickered threw her mind, but her guests would not only have been appalled by her actions, they’d have had nothing left to drink. Instead, she’d sulked inwardly while chatting with everyone and drinking more than she should.
Life was a bitch sometimes. She’d been on such a natural high, happy that the damned painting was over, that she was with a guy she was crazy about, and that Brittany seemed content again. Champagne had seemed like a fabulous idea, but when Sean had dropped his little bombshell, well, the bubbles had gone flat. She didn’t want to hold on to a guy who didn’t want to hold on back. She wanted to be a bigger, better person than that. To be the girl who knew her worth, and let everyone else know it too.
That had worked for an hour or two. She’d watched Sean go to his boat, and although she kept up a lively conversation with others, her attention had been on him. She’d kept a close watch on his boat, half expecting him to sail off into the sunset. But he hadn’t. That actually surprised her. Not that she was hopeful or anything. He’d not given her a whole lot to be optimistic about. But it did mean that he wasn’t slinking away. Again.
Maybe later. In the middle of the night. Perhaps in the morning. Or by noon of the next day. Or a day or two from now. Bottom line? He was leaving, she just didn’t know when. It made her sad. It made her angry. It made her heart ache. But she had her pride, and her pride was telling her to go down to that damn boat, and give him permission to leave. Matter of fact, that was exactly what she would do.
She grabbed a bottle of the chilled champagne, and told Brittany she needed to have a word with Sean.
“Go girl. Get your man. He’s crazy about you.”
She shook her head, and her hair flew around her shoulders. “No, Brit. I’m going down to the boat to tell him it’s okay to leave.”
“You’re doing what?” Brittany’s voice rose with alarm. “Don’t be stupid. You can’t tell him that. You know what he’s like. He will leave and then you’ll be sorry. I can’t stand the idea of you being broken hearted.” She grabbed Kayla’s arm and pulled her aside so her advice wouldn’t be overheard. “When you get on his boat, strip yourself naked and ride him all night long.” She giggled and her eyes lit up. “He won’t leave. He won’t be able to.”
Kayla laughed, as the thought had occurred to her too. “I wish I could, but it’s much better if I set him free. Then if he comes back, I know our love is real.”
“Don’t be so darn practical. Can’t you just be clingy and romantic for once?”
“Nope. Not this time. If he wants me, he has to fight for me. For us. He’s got to want to put his grief behind him. If he can’t do that, he won’t make me or anyone else happy.”
“I hate when you talk like that. You sound so logical. Crap! I still like the idea of you jumping his bones and making him realize what he’s leaving behind.”
“Been there. Done that. He knows.” Kayla shrugged. “Well, I’m off. Wish me luck.”
Brittany pulled her into her arms for a huge hug and a pat on the back. “I do wish you luck, and happiness, and everything good.”
Kayla blinked back tears. “Thanks, hon. I’ll be home later.”
“No. Don’t.” Brittany looked like she might cry too. “At least stay with him this one last night.”
“I don’t think I can do that.” Her bottom lip trembled and she clenched it with her teeth. She would not cry. She would be strong, and not crumble. Her dad was probably up above looking down at her now, and she wanted him to see how she’d grown into a person of strength, a woman of character. She wanted to make him proud.
She straightened her shoulders, gave her hair a toss, and lifted her chin. Her emotions would not get the best of her. She had to do this for him and for herself. If he loved her he would be back. If not, she had survived worse.
Down at the marina, she headed straight for his boat and called his name. She heard movement on the stern and made her way there, holding the champagne bottle by her side.
“Sean?” She found him slumped in a plastic lawn chair, his head down. She felt a tingle of alarm. What if he’d had a heart attack or stroke? Or done something to himself? “Sean? Are you awake?”
“I am now.” He sat up straighter, and glanced at her on the pier. “You coming aboard?”
Relief ran over her. “Permission to board, Captain Sir?” She asked with a smile, as if they had nothing better to do than tease each other.
“Granted. Need help?” He stood and reached out a hand.
The touch of his fingers elicited a response deep inside of her. Her stomach clenched and tears sprang to her eyes. She blinked them back. “Thank you. I feel a bit wobbly.”
“I’m sorry. Too much champagne?”
“Perhaps. Although I brought a bottle with me. Just in case.” She smiled, trying so hard to keep things light. To be brave and strong. Her chin trembled and she glanced away. This was more difficult than she’d imagined. Being this close to him was tearing her apart. How would she manage to tell him what she’d come to say, and not cry?
He took the bottle from her hands and indicated the chair. “Take a seat, Kayla. I’m glad you’re here.”
“Are you?” She sank into the chair gratefully. She had partaken a little too freely in the light fizzy cocktail, hoping it would give her the courage to do what needed to be done.
“You know I am. I need to talk to you, Kayla. You’re important in this decision making.”
She blinked rapidly, trying to keep her breath under control. How could she be? He needed to make decisions regarding his future. Not her. Hell, if she had her way she’d sell his boat so he could never leave. It wasn’t fair to pin this on her. She was too emotionally involved.
“Why aren’t you saying something?” He knelt down beside her and put his hand in her lap. “This is too hard for me to make alone. The hospital board wants me to get my ass on the next plane. The guy who needs the operation is a very important, powerful man. He gave the hospital money to have a wing built in his company’s name. A software company.”
She swallowed hard, and gripped his hand. “You probably should go then. How can you even think twice about turning his request down?” Her fingers were cold and shaking. He kissed them and held them to his cheeks.
“Because he should get the very best care possible and I’m not sure that I’m the right choice.” He gazed into her eyes. “I used to be. I admit that I was the best, but the reason I took a leave of absence was because I stopped being the best. After Sara’s death I worked on autopilot. If a crisis had occurred, could I have reacted as rapidly as I once had? I’m not sure, and I still don’t know. I’m afraid, Kayla.”
She wanted to wrap her arms around him and pull his head to her chest. To hold, comfort and reassure this man who was some kind of fallen demi-god. “Then you must. You have to go. Prove to yourself that you’re still the best.” She stroked his head. “You can’t hide away in Paradise Cove. You have to show the world that you are Dr. Sean Flannigan, the best cardiac surgeon in the country.” God, how she loved him.
“But what if I’m not?” His beautiful eyes were clouded with doubt.
“I don’t know. Whatever it is, you’re strong enough to accept the truth and move on. Or get better. Become the man, the doctor, you used to be.” She cupped his face, and kissed his forehead. “I know you’re great. Everyone does, but you must find that out for yourself.”
“You’re telling me to go?” As if on cue, thunder rumbled in the dar
kening sky, followed by a sudden flash of lightning.
She shivered, in spite of the heat. “Yes. I don’t want your fears and insecurities holding you back. I don’t want you here with me unless it’s for all the right, positive reasons.”
He looked down at her knees, as if ashamed to meet her eyes. “I don’t want to leave you.”
“I don’t want you to stay.” Of course it was a lie, but she couldn’t keep him. He had a gift to offer the world, and this was not the place for a man with his talents.
He pulled away and looked at her. “How can you say that?”
More thunder and lightning lit the sky. She stood up. “I should go. The weather…”
Before she’d finished her sentence Raul came running down the ramp, shouting, “Dr. Sean! Dr. Sean!”
“What is it, Raul?” Sean had gotten to his feet also, and stood at the railing. “Has something happened?”
“Mamacita. Her water broke, and, and there’s blood. Come. Hurry.”
The sky exploded like the fourth of July. Only minutes ago the weather had been perfect, now it flashed and danced, and roared and thundered like a heavenly rock concert. A torrential downpour would come next. The branches on nearby trees rustled as the wind picked up.
Sean didn’t hesitate. He jumped off the boat, and ran toward the cottage where Juanita waited. Raul ran after him. Alone now, Kayla made her way to the bow of the boat where it was easier to step ashore. She raced back to Passions to tell her mother and sisters that Juanita was in labor, and to see what they could do to help.
Over the past few days, Juanita had grown tired of bed rest, and had begun to take on too many chores. They’d all insisted she go back to bed, but with her son and husband busy painting all day, she had refused to spend her days resting.
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