by Kahlen Aymes
Martin Deering was an up and coming director, who had been nominated for an Oscar already. I respected him and his vision, but as Brook insisted, and maybe because it was her and I, we had to play it the way it felt and it fucking devastated us both.
“I’m through discussing this. I think you guys are great people and wonderful actors, but I need you to act the way I tell you to act,” he said, anger tightening his mouth and jaw.
Brook huffed and leaned heavily back in her chair, staring at Martin for a long moment. “No. I can’t speak for Cade, but I will not play it that way. I’ll drop the film if it comes down to that. I feel it’s an injustice to the fans to sell out like that. I know I’m new, but I won’t do films for the experience of acting. It’s about telling the story, and I know the author wouldn’t want it like this. I want to tell the fucking story and I won’t make it into a joke, and I won’t let you make either one of us into a joke. They bleed. We have to bleed.” She was calm as she stood up and picked up her script, phone and journal. She turned to me. “Cade, call me later when you get finished here.” And, with that, she walked out, leaving me sitting there with a stunned Martin.
It was so fucking hot, watching her take charge like that. I felt a grin break out on my face and my chest filled with pride. I tried to hide it from Martin because I didn’t want to seem disrespectful, but the girl just hammered him. I watched Brook’s retreating form until Martin’s voice broke into my thoughts.
“Cade, talk to her,” Martin finally said. “It’s obvious she listens to you.”
I shook my head with a smirk. I wouldn’t try to convince Brook of something I didn’t believe in myself. “We discuss things and we don’t always agree, but um, we both feel the same way about this. Martin, we don’t dictate to each other, it’s about respect. You know, Brook is very mature for her age and it’s really bloody incredible to see her stand up for what she wants.” I laughed. “I mean, look at her! I agree that this is right for the film, and for all of us.” I could see the anger and frustration in his eyes as a red flush began to creep up under his skin.
“You know, Caden, if she walks it puts this whole thing on hold. You’ve got another film to think about, are you sure you want to threaten me?”
I offered a small smile and met his gaze steadily. “What? I’m not threatening you. I’m just saying that I know how this is supposed to go down and I won’t work with anyone other than Brook. It wouldn’t feel right. So, if she goes, I do, too,” I said quietly. “So, the schedule on my other film won’t suffer. Why don’t you just let us go with it for a scene or two and see how we do?”
I could see how pissed he was and I felt sorry for him, in a way. After all, this was his film and he was responsible for the end result. “Production costs money, Cade.”
“Yes, I know. If we have to redo the scenes, I’ll reimburse you from my salary.”
“Are you sure this is about the film? I warned you about staying away from her and you’ve done a piss-poor job of it.”
I stood up and pushed my chair into the table. “We all want the movie to be the best it can be. Just give us a shot to show you in one scene. As far as Brook is concerned, she’s an amazing person, a very good actress, and we’ve become close friends. Beyond that, it’s really none of your business.”
Martin had no choice but to listen and the next day we proved our point.
I knew at the audition and then throughout the three months before pre-production began, that Brook and I were going to be tight. We’d been in contact on a regular basis, delving into the characters for weeks before we’d gone to Canada to begin filming. We were good friends before we ever hit the set, and now, infatuation had turned to some sort of burning love. At least, it had for me. I felt palpable tension with Brook whenever we were together and couldn’t deny myself the small hope that she could be feeling the same thing. But, at this point, it was a dream that was slowly slipping between my fingers as our time together dwindled. I was starting to feel a constant veil of desperation hanging over me at the pending loss of her presence in my life.
Now, after we’d played it and replayed it, take after take, I sat on the edge of the bed trying to get control of my errant body and labored breathing. I was shaking as I turned away from Brook and tried to get a grip on myself. She sat on her knees on the bed, waiting while Martin spoke to the production manager about the lighting and camera angles. Both of us were sitting in stunned silence. The last take of the scene had gotten so bloody hot. Ryan had finally touched Julia intimately in the story, and that meant I had touched Brook. I could feel her heat on my fingers, seeping through her clothes, feel how slippery the flesh beneath the fabric of her sweats had been. I’d had a raging hard-on all day and I was unsure how much more I could withstand. I felt so ridiculous and embarrassed, afraid of Brook’s reaction. She felt it, too. I felt the tangible proof.
“Cade…” She scooted toward me. “Last night—and just now—I’m sorry,” Brook said softly, but knowingly.
“Please don’t, Brook. You didn’t do anything to apologize for.” I shook my head and kept my eyes averted, staring at the fake window in front of me. I couldn’t look at her. She had so much skin showing, more than she ever did when we were alone in one of our rooms practicing and it was more than I could take, regardless of the others around us.
“I just—” she struggled for words and sat down fully on the bed, crossing her legs in front of her. “I don’t like this strain between us. You’re… well, you’re one of my best friends. Maybe the best friend I’ve ever had.”
Best friends fighting the love, like the characters we were playing. Well, I’m bloody in love with you, my mind screamed.
I threw my head back and looked at the ceiling. It was about twenty or thirty feet above us: just bare steel, and girders of the warehouse where they built the interior set of the Boston apartment. “Brook, I’m just trying to get through this scene and remember what the hell the truth is. I’m sorry if I seem distant. It’s the only way I can deal with it and how I’m keeping the thin grip on the little control that I have left. As you can tell from this last take, I’m not as strong as I need to be.”
She brought both hands to her glorious hair and threaded her fingers through it on each side of her head. “Do you think it’s any different for me? I’m just—”
The director had a great sense of timing and called to us from the edge of the set, a smirk firmly in place on his pudgy face, and inwardly I groaned. “Can you guys clear out for a minute? Get a drink or something while they redress the set for the next take.”
I spoke before I could help myself. “How many damn takes do you need? How many ways can we do this for Christ’s sake? We have it,” I spat at him. Brooklyn swallowed and her face fell as she sat there, clutching the sheet around her. Instantly, I was filled with regret at my words. “I thought you were so worried about the budget,” I said, more softly now, imploring him to stop the torture.
Martin stared up at me and crossed his arms across his chest. Brook was looking down at her lap as she started to move to the edge of the bed. I stood up and walked around the end of it and past Martin.
“I just want to shoot it with a tighter camera one time and then if it’s all good, we’ll be done with this scene. I also want to film some stuff that may get used for the other love scenes,” Martin said impatiently as I turned to leave the set.
“Like what?” Brook asked hesitantly, trepidation clear on her beautiful features.
“Well, I just want a tighter shot of the kissing.” He looked between the two of us for a second. I knew that would mean even less clothing between us.
“Christ,” I said as I stormed off the set.
“Ten minutes, Cade,” Martin called sternly after me.
Brooklyn’s hurried footsteps followed me as I walked away and despite myself, I knew she’d find a way to lighten the mood and ease this bullshit I was feeling. I took a deep breath and walked outside of the warehouse, turning the co
rner and went around to the west side. The sun was starting to set and it was getting cold.
It was late March and we still had weeks of filming to go. As much as Martin frustrated me, as much as being around Brook when I couldn’t act on my real feelings for her, hurt me, I knew that the day we were done filming would kill me. There were two more books, but who knew if they’d get made. These things depended on box office receipts alone. I lit a cigarette and leaned against the side of the building and blew out with force. A habit I knew Brook abhorred, but I needed something to calm me down.
“Cade,” I heard Brooklyn’s voice before she appeared around the corner. She’d put on a robe over her skimpy costume and shoved her feet into her sneakers. Still I was worried she wouldn’t be warm enough. After she found me, she didn’t say anything. She just leaned up against the building beside me, and reached for my hand, her cold fingers closing over mine.
“Are you warm enough?” I asked softly. When she nodded, I looked away from her face. I didn’t want to see confusion or pain there and I knew I would. I should have felt elated, but instead felt empty and lost.
We stood there in silence, and soon my thumb was rubbing the top of her hand that was entwined with mine. The quiet comfort of her touch gave me center and focus. When it was just the two of us, I was fine. It was easy to push back the strain and pretend she didn’t have a boyfriend or that this wasn’t all going to end soon. I felt so connected with her and that connection was all that mattered to me.
“I suppose Martin will have our asses if we aren’t back soon,” I lamented after I finished my cigarette. I bent to press the butt into the ground to make sure it was out then popped a candy mint into my mouth. “Can he be any more annoying?” I offered her one.
Brooklyn shook her head.
“He budgeted a whole day for this scene, so he is damn sure going to use it up, even though he was whining about it before. God forbid he lets us off of the hook early,” she agreed with a soft smile, her hand tightening around mine. I knew she was silently asking if things were okay between us, and I finally let myself look at her face and returned the pressure to reassure her. She was beautiful with her darkened hair flowing and those green contact lenses, but I longed for her bright blue eyes. Those gorgeous eyes claimed my very soul during all of those hours of running the scenes. When I’d met her, she was blonde, but she was beautiful, either way.
I silently chastised myself. Who was I kidding? I let my breath out in disgust, which drew her gaze quickly to my face.
Both of us were very good at memorization, so if we were honest, we had no need to run and rerun the lines, or the kisses the night before. The painful kisses were all that were possible and they left me aching, and wanting more. It was torture that I willingly subjected both of us to, and not just because of the script. Martin reminded me every other day that Brook was younger and more inexperienced than me and I wanted to scream every time he did. Did he think I was a bloody idiot or that I didn’t comprehend what he was fucking saying? I think that was the main problem I had with him, and why I resented him so much. That, and he operated in a constant state of chaos. Chaos on occasion was healthy, but he drove me crazy with it.
“Look, Brook, I’m sorry about before. This scene is difficult for me.” I felt embarrassed because surely she felt evidence of my arousal pressing against her when I’d pushed her back onto the bed, but she didn’t mention it. She had too much class for that, and I silently prayed that she didn’t think it was just lust I was feeling. It became extremely important that she understand I wouldn’t be aroused with just anyone in similar circumstances. It was all about Brook.
“For me, too,” her voice was low and aching.
“I’m… I’ll never be sorry that we met, though. I mean, I’m glad that we’re friends. I hope we can stay this way after the movie is finished. You’re the first person I want to talk to every morning,” I said honestly.
She turned toward me and wrapped her arms around my waist. After a stunned moment, I followed suit, enfolding her in my embrace. “Yes. I’d like that,” she murmured softly against my shirt.
I felt a moment of relief. At least I could be certain that we wouldn’t lose touch after I went back to London, even if it wouldn’t be the instant satisfaction of having her near me all of the time. “We’d better get back. The production assistants are probably scrambling around looking for us.” I rubbed her back a couple of times before I let go of her, but slid my hand down her arm to take her hand as we started walking back into the building, and toward the set.
“Let’s kick the shit out of this take, huh?”
“Yeah, okay.” I decided I’d let myself pretend that this take was Cade and Brook, and not the characters we were playing. I decided to grant myself this one small gift and allow myself to really feel with her. Maybe today would be one of the last chances I’d have to kiss her, and I was going to savor every second no matter how much it would kill me later. “It’s a tough job, but somebody’s got to bloody do it,” I teased gently. She smiled and shook her head the way she always did when she was embarrassed by a compliment.
As we drew near the set, I dropped her hand and she shoved her hands into the pockets of the robe. “What do you want to do tonight?” Brook looked up at me expectantly. My heart swelled within my chest, and contentment settled over me like a blanket, a smile spreading across my face. For now, I could forget about the outside world and just concentrate on what I felt flowing between us. I knew she’d been fighting whatever was happening between us. We both were, but it was there: tangible, palpable, and alive.
“Whatever you want. We could order pizza and invite the others in to play music or a movie, or go out for dinner.” I loved it when we played music, and how Brook always watched me. It didn’t escape my notice that her eyes lingered on me more than anyone else, and it created such pure happiness, I had difficulty bottling it up inside. She could play guitar fairly well because she was learning it for another audition, but she didn’t have a guitar of her own. I smiled to myself as I thought of the pure mahogany one that I’d ordered for her, and would give to her on her birthday in a couple of weeks. I loved that she enjoyed the same music that I loved and playing together was something that could bring us even closer to each other. One thing that was just ours; that I could be certain she didn’t share with the boyfriend. I was more accomplished at it than she was, of course, since I’d been playing for years, but it gave me immense pleasure when she’d asked me if I could give her lessons.
“Music and pizza sounds really good.”
“Yeah, it does.”
It was my birthday and the day had been busy. Cade and I spent the entire day downtown, filming from early in the morning. I was tired, and cold as I arrived back at my room. The whole cast was taking me out for the evening, but Cade organized the whole thing. My heart tightened in my chest as I walked down the hall that led to my room. My manager, Jeanne, would have arranged for David to get a key from the desk, and no doubt he’d be waiting inside. If only I wanted to see him. I’d tried to dissuade him from coming, knowing what a grueling day I’d have, and how tired I’d be, but he’d insisted. Guilt crept over me. Being tired had nothing to do with not wanting him to come up from L.A. and I knew it.
He was a good guy, and we had a history, but there were times when I felt like I was talking to a wall and it didn’t matter what I said. When he got something in his head, it was over. Done. Everything was starting to feel superficial and I knew why. I beat myself up because I was constantly comparing him to Cade; the sensitive, intelligent, funny, gorgeous and gifted, deep thinker.
I’d been rushing so I’d have time to take a hot shower before meeting everyone at the party, but as I got closer to my room, my pace slowed. I wasn’t sure what felt more filled with lead, my feet or my heart.
I took a deep breath; as much air as my lungs could stand, and ran both hands through my hair as I walked the last few steps to the door. My fingers curled through the
strands and I wanted to pull them out by the roots. I hadn’t seen David in a month, and a year ago I would have been anxious and excited at the prospect. Three months ago, even. But… not today.
I knew tonight was going to hurt the shit out of Cade, and I dreaded it. He was so open with his feelings, and more and more, it was eating at me. My heart hurt every time I saw the adoration in his eyes, and I was dying to tell him I was falling for him, too. As much as I’d tried to fight it, I knew I wanted it as badly as he did, and that made it inevitable. He could have played the movie star role so easily and brush David aside to get what he wanted, but he didn’t. He was caring of other people’s feelings, and of mine, and that made him all the more special.
So now, tonight, I had the man who had loved me for more than three years, and the one who loved me without measure, in a way that felt fucking celestial; both of them, together in the same room. I didn’t know if I was strong enough to handle it. I didn’t know if I was a good enough actor to pull this shit off.
I dug in the back pocket of my jeans for the keycard to my room. I tried to steady myself and shoved it in the slot. The lights flashed and the lock clicked before I pushed open the door. David was lying on the big king-size bed, watching television. All I could think about was that the night prior, Cade and I were practicing on that very bed.
“Hey,” his face lit up, and he jumped up from the bed. “There’s my girl! Happy birthday, Brook!” he said as his arms enfolded me warmly. I lifted my arms to loosely surround him as well, but my heart felt distant and involuntarily, I knew I was putting up a wall. My stomach lurched. I’d hoped that seeing David would vanquish the confusion I’d been having, but if anything, it only compounded it. And, the guilt was huge.
“Thanks. How long have you been waiting?” I pulled out of his embrace and kicked off my shoes. I knew I sounded less than enthused as he moved to take me back into his arms and press a kiss to my mouth. I tried to respond but these were not the lips I wanted. I couldn’t help myself from comparing the two men. Cade was tall, with dark blonde hair and deep blue eyes, David was part Mexican with swarthier skin, dark hair, dark eyes and stocky. He was handsome, but couldn’t hold a candle to Cade.