by Kahlen Aymes
“I do. I trust you more than anyone in my life. That’s part of the reason I’m scared.”
As I drew in my breath, my chest rose and fell beneath her head. I ran my hand lightly down her arm, then back up to cup the back of her head, her luxurious hair sliding around my fingers. “It’s late, I should go,” I murmured quietly after a while.
“Why? I mean… we’ve spent lots of nights asleep together… so will you stay?”
Those were the most beautiful words she’d ever said to me, and I knew she wanted to fall asleep in my arms. A great river of contentment flowed through me.
“Okay, but let’s get you beneath the covers before you fall asleep.” She nodded, and moved from me to pull the covers back and crawl under them. I did the same, but first removing my button-down and my socks, but leaving on my jeans and t-shirt. I was there to take care of her, to make her feel safe… to offer comfort.
I flipped off the lamp, and she curled back into me when I gathered her close.
“Cade, thank you for everything today,” she said softly in the darkness. “You’re so good to me. The guitar is very beautiful. I love it.”
“You’re welcome, love.” I turned my head to place a soft kiss on her forehead. “My pleasure.”
I felt my lids getting heavy as sleep came up to consume me. Brook’s breathing was already soft and even, rushing against the skin of my neck as she slept. Now it was safe to tell her the words my heart was screaming… the most profound truth in my world.
“I love you… more than anything, Brook. I love you.”
Chapter 1
It’s a Wrap
The last week of filming wrung me out emotionally… I didn’t know whether I’d be capable of putting on a happy facade or if I’d get through the evening at all. This was my first movie and going in, I didn’t know what to expect, but I did expect to fall apart. I kept telling myself to hold it together, but my insides were like jelly, and I felt like I would lose it at any moment. I’d still see Wendy, Jennifer, Ethan, and the rest of the gang in L.A., but I wouldn’t see the one who mattered most. Cade would be halfway around the world.
I could feel my chest tighten, physically tighten like iron bands were winding around me. Considering the advances in modern communication, it would still feel like a million miles after all we’d been through together. I steadied myself as my boyfriend and I walked into the restaurant, then meshed into the throng of the familiar faces that had become like a second family.
David was here. Of course he was. He was stamping his claim on me as he always did; more so in the past months, especially when Cade was around. I closed my eyes and tried to steady my breathing.
Cade.
Coming to terms with the fact that I wouldn’t see his gorgeous, encouraging face every day as I had for the past five months of production and pre-production, was more than difficult. I was failing miserably. He and I had become each other’s lifeline in what was a somewhat terrifying experience to both of us. He was more experienced than I was, and I looked to him for what to expect and how to navigate this completely new world.
The fact that I’d be saying goodbye to him in a few short hours, made it hard to breathe. David’s hand in mine offered no comfort as my eyes scanned the room for Cade’s gaze. I noticed Jennifer by the bar, and wanted to go talk to her.
“David… um, I’m gonna get a drink with Jen. Be back in a minute.” I could see that he wanted to stick to my side like glue, but his presence had me feeling suffocated. I wished he wasn’t here at all. Not tonight. I left him standing alone in the middle of the room as I moved toward her.
“Hey, Jen. Hard to believe it’s really over, huh?” I could feel my voice catching as tears threatened to choke me.
She nodded, then hugged me. “Yeah, I love all of you guys, and sure, we will miss this, but we’ll see each other all the time. Ethan is already planning our next get together! Game night will happen, but in L.A.”
I swallowed the pain in my voice, and blinked my eyes several times to keep from making a huge fool of myself. I probably wouldn’t be attending any parties for a while. Not until I had acclimated a little better to Cade’s absence. Being around everyone would be a very painful reminder, and I was sure it would take me some time to adjust.
“Is everyone here?” I hoped she wouldn’t understand what I was really asking as I searched for blue eyes in the crowd.
“I haven’t seen Cade or Martin yet, but otherwise, yeah, I think so.”
“Hmmm. I just want to get a chance to thank everyone, and you know, say a proper goodbye.” I felt like an idiot as the babbling words fell from my mouth; uncomfortable with my lack of control over my emotions.
She looked at me knowingly, hesitating a bit before continuing. “Yeah, I think I do know, Brook. Everyone can see how much you and Cade mean to each other. You don’t have to hide it. It’s only natural that you’d get close to each other through this.”
My breath caught, and my eyes filled with tears. “Everyone falls in love with him, don’t they?”
She nodded. “Yes, but working so closely with him…” Her words trailed off.
“Yeah, we shared a lot of good moments together.” My voice wavered despite my best effort. “I couldn’t have done this without him; he’s an amazing actor.” I paused for a moment, not sure what else to say. He was a huge star and everyone knew how talented he was, I didn’t need to reiterate.
“And, he’s crazy about you,” Jen said, squeezing my hand. “Distance won’t change that.”
I nodded, my chin jutting out as I swallowed tightly. “I didn’t realize how much I’m going to miss him.” I tried to brush the tears from my cheeks quickly so no one else would see. But I did realize. I’d been aware of it from very early on. “I wish David wasn’t here tonight. I don’t think I’ll be able to really say goodbye to Cade properly with him hovering around like he does. This thing between us has been so unfair to Cade.”
She looked at me for a moment before she spoke. “You didn’t know he’d fall in love with you; it’s not your fault, and I’m sure Cade doesn’t blame you. Whatever it is between you, everyone noticed. There was no stopping it.” Her eyes were watering, too.
I nodded as I looked at the ground and ran my hands through my hair. I couldn’t look at her. Cade in love with me? I was nobody, and he was amazing; every girl’s dream. Everyone wanted to be with him.
“Brook, try to get a moment alone with him. You’ll regret it forever, if you don’t. But, I’m sure you guys will keep in touch after this is over, and there is one more film.” She smiled as she tried to reassure me. The books were a trilogy, and we’d for sure have one more movie, but we weren’t sure about the third. That one fact was the only thing keeping me sane. But filming didn’t begin for more than six months.
I was fidgety, standing next to Jen at the bar, when I saw David coming toward me. “I really care about him very much.” My voice was uneven as I continued in a low, rushed tone. “I’ve known what was happening,” I shrugged, “but I guess, didn’t know how to stop it.” I tried to speak quickly before David intruded on us.
God! Could he let me be with my friends for five fucking minutes? I’d gotten more and more impatient with him, the closer I got to Cade, and then, the guilt ate away at me.
Didn’t he understand that tonight was going to be painful? He couldn’t know how hard it was going to be, but still, I knew he didn’t care. I tried to swallow the tightness in my throat, and blink back my tears, so he wouldn’t see. He should know me better. I felt like my misery was shining like a beacon on my face.
“Hey, there you are, hon.”
I tensed as he approached.
“Hi, Jennifer,” David said.
Jen nodded to him. “It’s nice to see you again, David. Brook, I’m gonna mingle. I think I just saw Cade come in over there by Dawson.” She pointed toward the far end of the restaurant.
David tensed at my side, and his face tightened as he glanced down at m
e.
Just what I needed; his pissy mood would only make things worse. God, I asked myself, why did he have to be here?
My eyes scanned for Cade across the room. The last couple of times on set with him had been so emotional I wasn’t sure either one of us would make it to the wrap party. But, when it came down to it, he was really the only reason I was here.
David or not, I had to talk to Cade before the end of this thing. I had to let him know what our time together meant to me. He made no secret of his feelings for me even though I’d struggled to keep mine at bay the entire time. But now, at the end, I couldn’t let him believe I didn’t care, or that being away from him would be easy for me.
The problem was, how was I going to tell him all I needed to say? Even if I could get away from David long enough, could I get through it without completely breaking down?
As I looked around for Cade, my mind wandered back on the last week or so. Knowing our time together was ending, it was weird, as if neither one of us knew how to act. We’d both been a little distant and uptight, on and off set. I guess we were both preparing to walk away from each other. Neither of us ever quite managed to come to terms with it, and I had been dreading this moment for weeks.
Up until recently, Cade and I had such an easy coexistence. We were both passionate people so we did have our little tiffs throughout filming, but neither one of us could stay mad at the other for long. I mean, he’d become my best friend. It was only natural we’d argue sometimes because we were never afraid to piss each other off, but his presence alone could take the edge off of any situation that had me agitated. I felt comforted knowing I’d see him every day, and no matter what shit Martin threw at us, we’d get through it together. And, he accepted absolutely everything about me.
Unconditionally. It was mutual.
We gravitated toward each other constantly. When one of us was tense over an upcoming scene, we’d get dinner or just hang out. It was always Cade I wanted around. We even ended up falling asleep together in one another’s rooms a few times after a long night of running lines. The most recent, being the night of my birthday; the same night I sent David packing.
Cade and I were comfortable, and natural around each other. It was easy, despite the incredible sexual tension that flowed like an electric circuit between us. It didn’t escape my notice how acutely aware of each other’s discomfort we both were when David was around, but though David ranted at me, Cade understood. Every woman in the cast and crew ogled him, and he was completely oblivious to it all. He’d become a huge force in my life and now I didn’t know how I’d cope with going back to my life in L.A., and being so far away from him, knowing if I called, he couldn’t come over.
Jesus.
How would I be able to hide the pain or the loss? I didn’t know if I was strong enough.
David was talking, and I didn’t register what he said. “Hey, earth to Brooklyn! What’s your deal? You’re acting like you couldn’t care less if I’m here!”
My eyes were locked on Cade’s face. He was staring straight back at me, and I could see my pain mirrored in his eyes. My heart thumped in my chest so loudly, I thought everyone around me could hear it. He looked so sad, and I was aching.
“Um… huh?” I asked, tearing my eyes away from Cade to look at him.
“Hullo?” David was angry which pissed me off. He was just going to have to fucking understand. What the hell was his deal anyway? He’d been a production assistant but was now an actor himself. Mid-list maybe, but still, he’d been in a couple of films so he should understand how close you get to people you practically live with for months on end. I didn’t go all ballistic on him when he was on location so he could just back off.
“Look, I’m really sorry, but tonight is about saying goodbye to a lot of people who have become like family to me. I’m going to need to talk to them, and I may not be able to spend every second with you tonight. I’m sorry!” I glared at him. “I just wish you would have called before you flew up here. You should have just waited in L.A. Jesus, I’m going home tomorrow!”
He looked more pissed off than hurt by my words. If we were both being honest, he was more like a friend than a boyfriend. Maybe that isn’t how he saw me, but especially during these last few months, that’s how I was starting to see him.
These last few months… My mind screamed, and my face burned.
I met David when I was very young. I was infatuated with him at the time, but lately, I realized it was nothing more than a child’s crush. He’d made it into more, but I was unclear if he really wanted me, or was more interested in all that went with being near my family. My aunt was a Hollywood agent with big connections, and he wanted them. End of story.
I withdrew my hand from his with a hard tug. “I’m going to talk to my friends. I’ll find you later.”
He huffed angrily as I walked away. But I didn’t care. “Brook, this is bullshit!” he almost shouted, and stormed off in the opposite direction.
I was already looking back toward the bar where Cade had been the last time I’d seen him. He was gone, and my heart dropped to the pit of my stomach. I wandered through the crowd, mindlessly chatting with Ethan and the others, continually searching yet trying to not be obvious.
My mind wandered back to Cade’s last night in Vancouver. I still had some scenes to shoot with Wendy and Jennifer, so he was finished a few days before me.
He’d been short tempered and upset all night, and after we finished shooting one of the more emotional scenes, he’d retreated into his trailer. I recognized his brooding mood, and knew he’d need to talk.
I went to find him after I’d changed out of my costume, and he opened the door immediately when I knocked. There were tears in his eyes, as he pulled me into his arms and close against his chest. He buried his face in my hair and inhaled deeply.
“Are…are you okay? Are you mad at me?” I whispered as his arms tightened around me.
“No Brook, I’m not mad.” His face turned into my neck and buried his face in my hair. “It’s just, I guess I’m feeling lost because we…well, this is almost over.”
My heart ached, and my eyes closed.
“I know, me, too. I’m gonna miss, uh, everyone, so much.” We both knew we were talking about each other, and nothing more.
I hugged him back hard, my hand moving up to hold the back of his head and play with the soft strands of his hair there. He smelled like heaven, his scent now so familiar, and I inhaled deeply.
“Let’s watch a movie. Comedy? Action? Dark? What are you in the mood for?”
I gave him a quick, playful shove as we fell onto the sofa together. It brought a smile to his face as he looked at me. I leaned into him to rest my head on his shoulder as the movie started, and his arm fell easily across my knees.
“It doesn’t matter as long as you’re here,” he murmured softly, as he used the remote to start the movie.
We snuggled closer as we watched a movie we’d watched ten times before on nights just like this. It was bittersweet and sad, as the memories washed over us, but I wouldn’t trade a minute of it for anything in the world. I was going to lock those memories away in my heart to hold on to when we were apart.
We had a way of making each other feel better. We’d watch old movies, play guitar together, listen to music or talk well into the morning hours. The time we spent developing our characters and how they should relate to each other, became hard to distinguish from reality. It was a love story of epic proportions, but filled with a lot of angst and sexual tension. Cade had rewritten every scene from Ryan’s perspective so he could draw on real emotions.
He was amazing.
At the audition when I read for Julia, I’d been so nervous. It was my first reading up against a big Hollywood star and I was literally on the verge of a panic attack. I’d read the books and wanted the part so badly. I wanted the emotions to be raw, and with Cade, it was easy. It was like we became those characters, we lived and breathed them the minut
e Martin said “action.” The script was intense, and so was our connection. It just felt right. Meant to be. Right before I left, he grabbed my hand and met my eyes. “You’ve got this,” he’d mouthed, his back turned so the director wouldn’t see.
I felt more in sync with Cade than I’d ever been with anyone in my life, and the vulnerability necessary for the film came easily. I literally cracked myself open. We both did. Cade was worried if we didn’t dig deep it might come off as cheesy, and neither of us wanted that. We had to really trust each other to be that raw. Raw, I thought with a sigh. That was how I felt in this very moment.
I chewed on my lower lip as I watched the cast and crew laughing, and milling around the restaurant. I knew I should join them, but I wasn’t feeling happy or sociable.
The end of the shoot had been hanging over me like a huge storm waiting to drown me for the past two weeks, and I was still feeling its effects.
Just three days ago, during the last rehearsal of the park scene, watching Cade, it stabbed me in the heart. He was screaming, and crying. My breath stopped. It was like the crew all disappeared, and there was no one on set but us. At the end of it, I was the one sobbing my eyes out. I couldn’t stop. I wanted him to feel for me, the depth of emotions he was portraying for my character. This was the end and an uncontrollable sadness washed over me. I couldn’t stop crying. When the scene was done, Cade heard me and rushed to my side. His own face damp with tears as he pulled me into his strong arms, which only made me cry harder.
“Brook, what are you doing here? What is it?” he asked desperately, his eyes searching my face. I felt so out of control, like something inside me had burst, and I just cried my heart out.
Cade touched my face, trying to wipe away the tears. “Sweetheart, tell me what’s wrong!” His face was filled with pain as he searched my eyes with his.
I couldn’t speak. All I could do was clutch his shirt and sob into his chest. He took me away to one of the trailers so he could console me in private. When the director tried to follow us, Cade put up his hand to stop him. “Martin, I’m sorry; please give us a few minutes. I’ll be back if we need another take; I’m sorry,” he said again.