by Kahlen Aymes
“Brook.” His beautiful blue eyes stared right into my heart. “You’ve always been stronger than me. You control your feelings so much better, than I.” The corners of his mouth lifted in a sad smile as his fingers brushed along my jaw.
I gave a little laugh through my tears. “I’m not feeling very strong right now, Cade.” I took a shaky breath. “The only way I’m gonna get through this is to believe that we’ll still keep in touch with each other. I feel so close to you. I don’t want to lose that.” A tear slipped from my lashes, and slid down my face.
“There will be things we’ll need to do to promote the movie, so we’ll be together again for some of it.” His eyes searched my face as he spoke.
“I’m holding on to that. You’re so important to me.” I swallowed hard, and bit my lip against the pain.
“We will be together again, I promise. I don’t know how I’ll survive without seeing your beautiful face every day.” I blushed at his words, and gave a shaky laugh, though my tears fell like rain.
I thought of my photo album gift, and knew now it was just what he would want.
“As the whole world will agree, you are the beautiful one.” My eyes rose to his face. His strong features were flooded with a mixture of confusion, sadness, and denial.
He would never believe how extraordinary he was. He couldn’t see that he was amazing to everyone who met him, and even millions who hadn’t. “I’ve always found you beautiful. From afar, I mean. When I watched your movies. But, who you are inside,” I placed my hand on his heart, “is the most beautiful part of you.” I tried to brush a tear away with the other. “I expected you to be so different then you turned out to be.”
Suddenly his arms went around me, and my hands came around his forearms as we stared into each other’s eyes.
“My God, Brook. I know you don’t want me to say it, and I know I have no right, but if I don’t, it feels like I’ll die right here.” His voice broke on the words, and my heart stopped. “I’m so in love with you.” He searched my face, trying to find an answer in my eyes. Tears were streaming down my cheeks as I put my hands up to hold his face.
“I love you…” he whispered, “and I don’t care if I’m going to hell for saying it out loud.” I could see how urgently he needed me to believe it. My heart thundered inside my chest, and my breath caught as I read the truth and emotion in his dark blue eyes.
“Cade.” At that moment, he was the only thing that existed in my world. I breathed his name as I kissed his eyes, his nose, his cheeks and forehead so softly. I opened my eyes, and moved my mouth down to his lips, hovering over his mouth.
Our kisses had always been so restrained. While passionate, so much was held back. We never really let ourselves kiss each other like I knew we both wanted to. I placed a feather light kiss on his lips, and I felt him draw in his breath, as his lips moved gently with mine. The moment of hesitation was wondrous: a pivotal moment in the fabric of my life, the precipice. If I jumped off, it either could kill me, or fill my wings and lift me up to heaven.
I knew this was the time to let Cade see my true feelings, and to take what I could of him while I had the chance. I could feel my body and my voice trembling, as I finally asked for what I’d been wanting for months.
“Cade, will you kiss me goodbye? As you… not Ryan,” I whispered against his lips.
He understood what I wanted, and his mouth crushed down on mine instantly, our lips parted, our tongues melding in deep, slow perfection. It was everything… and it wasn’t enough. As we kissed, we held each other tightly, our arms moving up and down each other’s bodies, and into each other’s hair, as our mouths devoured each other.
It was heaven. I never wanted the moment to end.
He pulled me closer, and I kissed him back so deeply that surely we would melt together. My tears and Cade’s, mingled on our cheeks. Our kisses softened, still passionate and reverent. We couldn’t bear to separate, and continued to hold each other still placing little lingering clinging kisses on each other’s mouths as his hands cupped my face and he brushed my tears away with the pads of his thumbs. He took my lower lip between both of his and sucked on it lightly. I sighed into him, our breath meshing as he rested his forehead on mine.
I didn’t want to fight it anymore. I couldn’t.
How could I have ever questioned my feelings for this man? I loved him so much it stole my breath.
“Jesus, Brook, you are so incredibly amazing. I’m so blessed to have met you and to have this time with you. You make me happier than I’ve ever been in my life.” He paused when his voice thickened. “Leaving you is just… fucking killing me.”
There was a knock on the door. “Mr. Carlisle, your car is downstairs.”
Cade’s hold tightened, as a sob broke free from my chest. He lifted his head, and paused to clear his throat. “Thank you, I’ll be right down.” He made his voice loud enough so the bellman could hear him on the other side of the door, but his hand stroked the back of my head as he kissed me on the temple, and placed several more soft, velvet kisses to my mouth.
Please don’t go, my heart begged.
He leaned back on his haunches, and took my hands in his, kissing the insides of my wrists, then looked intently into my eyes. His eyes were sad and glassy.
“I’ve gotten you a gift as well. It’s in the bedside drawer. Take it with you and open it on the plane, will you?” He brushed my hair back from my face and continued. “Know that we will always be connected, no matter what.” He kissed my lips once more and caressed the side of my face with feather-light fingers. I pressed my cheek to his palm, tears squeezing out of my closed eyes as my shoulders started to shake, the sobs becoming too hard to quell.
“Brook, my love, please don’t cry.” His thumb brushed across my jaw. “I can’t bear your tears.”
He stood, turned from me, and put his hand up to cover his eyes as he cleared his throat again. I could see Cade struggling; could hear the tears in his voice. I watched him thread his fingers through his hair. After a moment, he picked up the package I’d given him then walked to where his bag and guitar waited by the door. He opened his carry on, and placed my package inside before zipping it back up. He shrugged into his black leather jacket, and shoved his sunglasses on as he looked at me, the muscle visibly working in his jaw, his mouth tight as he took a deep breath.
“Cade, wait!”
I flew to him and he crushed me to his body. He kissed my mouth deeply, slowly; then softly sucking and nipping, as our mouths separated for the last time, his breath fanning out over my face. We clung to each other like we couldn’t get close enough. I felt like my world was ending.
I rose up on tiptoe to kiss his jaw to whisper in his ear. “You are everything to me… and perfect. You’re my perfect Ryan,” I said as a final farewell, my voice breaking.
His arms tightened around me as he breathed in my scent and placed one last kiss in my hair. “And, you’re forever, my beautiful Julia. We’ll always have this between us. Nothing or no one can take it from us.” Then, he let go of me and went out the door before I could stop him.
I stood frozen in the spot he left me for what seemed like forever, my suddenly empty arms aching to hold him. Tears were streaming silently down my face, as I felt like the most important part of me had just disappeared.
I walked quickly to the window so I could catch one last glimpse of him as he left the hotel. I could see the limo waiting, and a minute later Cade was walking out to the car. He stopped as if he knew I was watching, and looked up at the window. He raised his hand to his lips and then toward me in a silent kiss as he got in the car.
The mass of fan girls who screamed his name didn’t really know him, or that his kiss was meant for me alone. They’d built an illusion of him that wasn’t who he really was. This was the first time I’d seen Cade ignore their pleas for pictures or autographs as he got straight into the car. A sure sign of the pain he must be feeling.
I watched until the
car pulled out of sight, then fell on the bed as silent sobs racked my entire body. My hands dug into the bed covers, and I pulled in his scent from the pillows and sheets. I poured my broken heart into them. A few minutes later, I finally dragged in a tortured breath. “Oh, Cade,” I cried, my shoulders still shaking with my grief.
If I needed any more proof that I was in love with him; this unspeakable sadness at losing him, was enough.
Chapter 4
Circle of Us
I moved, remembering the gift in the bedside table. I opened the single drawer to find a small box tied with a white ribbon. There was no card. I took it, and went back to my own room to gather up my bags. My flight was leaving in an hour, and I was cutting it way too close. There was a chance I’d miss my plane.
Wendy was waiting downstairs as I got out of the elevators.
“Hey Brook, you just missed Cade.” She pointed over her shoulder toward the large revolving door that was the hotel entrance. I had my sunglasses on so she wouldn’t see my red, swollen eyes. Her words hit a strange chord, since he left almost forty-five minutes earlier.
“Yeah, I should have gotten down here earlier, but we said goodbye last night at the wrap party.”
She looked at me, and raised her eyebrows. “Yes, we all saw that.” The emphasis she put on the last word pissed me off. No doubt she’d be reporting back to David.
“Hmph.” I snorted, trying to appear like it didn’t matter if I missed Cade’s departure. “Well, I’ll text later to apologize for not being downstairs this morning. How did he look?” I eyed her cautiously for her expression.
Wendy had had a crush on Cade since before any of us hit the set, and I sometimes wondered if they’d hooked up once or twice during filming. She never came right out and said it, but I could see it in the seductive way she looked at him and was constantly asking where he was. I knew she was jealous of all the time he and I spent together, and tried to invite herself along on numerous occasions. Cade was too nice to deny her, but there were times he was clearly annoyed.
I noticed when I had scenes that didn’t include Cade or voice over work to do, she’d invited him to go out to eat, to a club, or shopping without inviting any of the rest of the cast. Cade hadn’t done that more than once or twice, and always ended up inviting one or some of the rest of the cast to join them.
She’d always invited him out when I was within earshot, and I wondered what she was trying to prove. The guilty pangs of jealousy I always felt were doubly troubling. I was with David, and so I could hardly begrudge Cade being with someone else. Even though my heart ached at the thought.
“He didn’t say much, but well, he looked gorgeous, of course. He is Caden Carlisle,” she gushed.
Seriously, DID she really just say that? Gag! I smirked a little. “Yeah, that he is,” I said. And, he’s mine, I thought selfishly, only to be nagged by that same thought about being tied to David.
But, Cade was the one I loved. I had no doubt anymore. The realization settled over me like a warm blanket despite the complication it caused with David. My thoughts were a mess as Wendy and I made our way out of the hotel to the car that the studio had sent to take us to the airport.
Wendy’s obvious infatuation with Cade caused my stomach to churn, and I silently prayed I wouldn’t have to listen to her blather on and on during the entire flight.
She was David’s friend before I even knew her, and it hadn’t bothered me when we all hung out together, or even if they’d done something together, but I was feeling weird now, like maybe there was more between her and Cade than she let on. I’d just admitted to myself that I was in love with him, which made me over sensitive to her sickening adoration.
The plane ride to L.A. was uneventful. I was itching to open Cade’s gift but wanted to wait until I was completely alone. I knew whatever it was it had to be extremely personal, and no doubt would reduce me to a tearful mess, given the fragility of my emotions. I didn’t want to risk breaking down in front of Wendy. I was cursed with my emotions showing easily on my features because I wasn’t strong enough to fight that at the moment. I’d have to wait until I was home.
She didn’t need to know about it anyway. Wendy was fun to hang out with, but we didn’t have one of those friendships where we confided every secret to each other. I wasn’t sure if I could really trust her not to run right to Cade with anything she thought would rile up trouble. There were only two people I trusted that much, Cade and my brother, Nathan. I was shocked by my thoughts. I didn’t trust David as much as I did Cade though I’d known him for years, and until five months ago, he was the closest person to me.
As the plane landed, I figured Cade was somewhere over the middle of the United States, like Chicago, and each passing second took him farther away from me. My head ached, my chest felt empty. I had to call my manager when I got back to see what she had lined up for me, also, my publicist would have worked out my promotional schedule. The best distraction would be to dive into more work, so I hoped Jeanne had some other auditions lined up. Another role or whatever it took to pass the time until I would see Cade again. Perhaps Martin would let us use some of the rushes to submit for other roles.
I did know there was a script waiting for me for some pop culture biopic that I’d need to read. Jeanne was adamant that I needed to audition for that one so I promised myself I’d do my best to delve into that in the next day or two. Tonight, I just wanted to hug my parents, walk my dog, and open Cade’s present. My heart sped up a little at the thought. I closed my eyes as the memories from this morning in the hotel room overwhelmed me.
My phone vibrated in my bag causing my heart to lurch, anxious to see if would be Cade, but it was only David.
U back yet?
How romantic, I thought.
I had to find a way to distance myself from him, mostly because I was uncomfortable whenever we were together now. I didn’t want to hurt him because he’d been a good friend over the years, but we really needed a break. He was a good person, but somewhere along the line, infatuation had been replaced with indifference, and sometimes, even irritation. I needed to figure out how to deal with David in a way that would facilitate us both moving on, and yet, remaining friends. My parents and brother adored him, and that would pose a problem. I dreaded hurting him, and knew he wouldn’t take it well.
No.
I sent a reply. I hoped he wouldn’t bug me all night.
After the car dropped me at my house, I went inside, and took my bags up to my room. “Hey, Brooks!” I smiled at my brother’s nickname for me. “Glad to have you home. Wanna go for a dip with me?” Though he was my brother, Nate was one of my best friends. His presence would be nice today. He’d keep me from worrying and feeling sad.
“Yeah, just give me a few minutes to get settled. Can you grab my other suitcase off the landing and bring it upstairs, please? Leave it by the door, then I’ll meet you out back, okay?”
“Sure, Sis!” He bounded out to the stoop to retrieve my suitcase.
I was thankful for the sunny weather. In Vancouver it rained so much and the overcast skies felt gloomy. It was beautiful there, though, and I liked nothing more than taking walks by the water or taking the ferry to Granville Island. Cade and I spent some special moments doing that.
I ran up the stairs with my dog, Molly, following close on my heels. I threw my bag on the floor, and bent down to hug her and ruffle her black fur. She was a mutt; the vet said some sort of mix of Black Lab and Chow. She had fluffy jet-black hair, and her tail curled over the top of her butt like an umbrella.
I couldn’t wait a second more so I sat down on the bed, and pulled the small box with the white ribbon from my bag. My heart was jumping around in my chest so badly it almost hurt, but I was excited. I struggled with the little bow, my trembling fingers making the job even more difficult. The box was from Tiffany’s. Whatever was inside was going to be precious.
I started to shake, and my eyes welled up as I opened the box, and peaked in
side. My breath caught in my throat at the sight. Nestled inside was solid white gold bracelet inlaid with seven diamonds, and the initials R and J. It was an exact replica of the bracelet from the book series we were filming, and a similar one would be used on the promotional materials. No doubt, this one was the real deal. A million facets of light reflected off the beautiful stones, the center one being the largest. I wasn’t a good judge of gem sizes, and I didn’t care. The brilliant diamonds threw rainbows of reflection all around the room as I took it out of the box.
I took a shaky breath as I held it in my hand. It was heavy; solid white gold, and diamonds. He communicated with me on so many levels, no words were even necessary. Obviously, he couldn’t give me one with our initials on it, but this was just as special to me. I knew the meaning behind it. And, I’d be able to wear it without questions from anyone, including the press.
Cade’s words came back to me. “We’ll always be connected.” I closed my eyes, as my eyes welled up.
Cade. God, he was so incredibly perfect.
I went to my phone to send him a text, even though I knew his phone would be off as he flew across the country.
I love the bracelet. It’s almost as beautiful as you are. I’ll keep it with me always. I miss you so much already.
I grabbed a tissue, and told myself to pull it together.
I scrubbed the tears from my face. I couldn’t cry continuously for the next six months, so I needed to get a fucking grip. I’m an actor! I’d better start acting, and now, I told myself. I smiled wryly at the irony of it. My character was easy, I could love Cade in the open, but now, as myself, I had to bury it deep inside, and it wouldn’t be easy.