There was no reply he could make that would help matters so he kept silent.
“You’re a selfish bastard,” she said, and swiftly moved passed him.
Gavin waited until he heard the faint sound of the front door closing before going inside. The house was still and he wondered if Sophie had gone out again. He went upstairs and found her in the bedroom admiring several scarves laid out on the bed.
“Hey,” he said.
“Hey. What do you think? Aren’t they cool?”
He went to her and wrapped his arm around her waist. He was acutely aware of the fact that she did not put her arm around him in return. “Yeah, lovely.”
They stood there for a moment, staring at the bright colors of the scarves.
“Is she okay? She seemed upset again,” Sophie finally said.
“Ah, she’ll be fine. Did I tell you she’s a singer? We all met her a few years ago. Her first album was put out on a small label and she just got back from a European tour. Anyway, you know how singers can be, what with the mood swings and reckless emotions,” he said with a laugh.
She turned to him, slipping from his arm, and he saw a struggle work its way over her face. It was clear she was concerned about what this all meant. Her doubts were the last thing he wanted. But he thought going into the details of things with Julia would do more harm than good.
A change in direction seemed the best course of action. “Were you running away from me today, Sophie?”
“What?”
“You left without waking me. You stayed away all day.”
“No, not at all, baby. I went to shop and the time flew. And, I figured we probably need to ease into all of this, that you need your space.”
“I don’t want space. I want you,” he told her urgently, hoping she’d understand what he really meant was that she was the only one he wanted.
There was a brief moment before she smiled in return, her face and body relaxing. “You got me,” she said and kissed him.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
As much as Gavin wished he could let the situation with Julia stand as he had left it, he was bothered that he had chosen to blatantly hurt her. Though he honestly believed he’d never told her he loved her, he knew his response to her was deliberately cruel and that didn’t sit well. They had been the best of friends, first as a part of a larger group and then more and more just the two of them. The progression toward a sexual relationship was natural and without any premeditation on his part. They hadn’t had any serious discussions about what it meant. But now he realized they should have because he had clearly taken their time together much more casually than she did. In his mind, in fact, it had been so casual that he hadn’t thought once about her after he and Sophie reconnected in Los Angeles. He saw Sophie and knew she was his future and had been pursuing her single-mindedly ever since. It wasn’t until Julia showed up at the pub that he realized he may have done something wrong.
And Sophie being so excruciatingly reasonable on the subject made him feel even worse. On the one hand, he wanted her to demand more of him, and by doing so, expect more for herself. But on the other hand, he was glad not to have to explain himself.
Gavin accompanied Sophie on a follow-up shopping excursion as she selected plateware, glassware, and cutlery, wooden hangers and hampers for the closets, vases and other home decor. He gladly deferred to her judgment on style and cost, as he didn’t want to think of everything associated with properly furnishing a real home. He’d rather disengage and enjoy the benefits of someone else handling the details than fully process what this change in status represented, though at the corners of his mind he knew all this meant he was that much farther from being the vagabond artist he imagined he would be.
It became increasingly difficult to hide how bored he was with the shopping, though. Sophie finally insisted on finishing the tasks by herself, suggesting Gavin leave her the car so she could meet him back home.
Gavin took the opportunity of the free afternoon to drop by Julia’s apartment to try to make amends. He knocked on her door before locating her hideaway key to let himself in as had been his habit.
“Jules?” he called out.
The place was quiet except for the running of the bath down the hall and he followed the sound. The bathroom door was slightly ajar, allowing him to see Julia lean over to turn off the water, then drop her robe and step into the tub.
Without thinking, he pushed the door open and leaned against the frame, watching her for a moment. Her body was softer, rounder than Sophie’s. Her small breasts were exposed and her hard nipples were enticingly above the line of the water.
“Jules,” he said softly.
She started and turned to him, the water sloshing over the side of the tub as she did so. “Jesus, what do you think you’re doing, ya feckin’ eejit?”
“Just came by to talk.”
She crossed her legs and covered her breasts with her hands. “And get an eye-full while you’re at it? Away with you.”
He wasn’t surprised or bothered by her vehement reaction. She was a true Northsider, with all the grit and attitude that went with being from that part of Dublin. In fact, the impetus of their flirting, such as it was, had been her frequent teasing of him as a “poncy Southsider.” It was a favorite pastime of Dubliners to give each other hassle based on the stereotypes of which side of the Liffey they were raised on, portraying Northsiders as criminal, social welfare sponging layabouts and Southsiders as clueless, snobby rich kids
“I’ll wait for you out there,” he said.
He passed out of her bathroom and into the small living area. It was strewn with clothes, glasses, ashtrays, and CDs. In the kitchen, he shook his head at the sink full of dirty dishes and rummaged in the refrigerator for a beer. She had always been an amazingly bad housekeeper.
In a few minutes, Julia joined Gavin in the living room. She had dressed in jeans and a Queen tee shirt that was tight against her braless breasts.
“Well?” she asked.
“I wanted to see you.”
“And so you have. What else, then?”
“I wanted to apologize for the other day. I didn’t mean to hurt you,” he said.
“Too late for that.”
“What? The apology or the hurt?”
She looked at him for a long silent moment, and he saw her struggle with how to respond. He wouldn’t have blamed her for shutting him out completely, but it seemed she couldn’t bring herself to do so. The defensive posture she had taken slipped away, her tense shoulders relaxed.
“The hurt,” she said.
Gavin couldn’t help but smile a little. “I am sorry to be such a dick, Jules. I want us to be friends, you know? I don’t want to lose that.”
“I don’t either,” she said softly. “But for God’s sake, you can’t be coming into my bath as if it’s all well and fine! Your Sophie wouldn’t like you seeing me naked, would she now?”
“True. Well, anyway, I enjoyed my last view,” he said with a laugh.
“You are such a bastard, Gav,” she told him and smiled anyway. “So, is all I’ve heard about this girl true? Your long lost first love?”
“Yeah, she is.”
“You never told me about her.”
He shrugged. He hadn’t made a habit of speaking of his time with Sophie to anyone, let alone the girls he slept with since.
“This is it, you know? You don’t bring a woman over from America and not go through with it.”
“I’m not worried about that,” he said. He thought better of elaborating and telling her that Sophie had always been the only woman he had ever envisioned spending his whole life with, that other than music, she was all that he had ever wanted.
Instead, he changed the subject and within an hour they had regained the comfort of friendship. They spent the rest of the day gossiping about her time on tour, listening to new bands she had found along the way, and drinking beer.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
At
home and with all of the day’s purchases unloaded, Sophie grew restless in the quiet house. Gavin had left her a voicemail saying he was at Conor’s house, and she decided to join him there. She figured she might arrive in time for them all to have dinner together.
Conor had purchased a modern home in Blackrock, a town near the coastline less than three miles south of Sandymount. As Sophie slowed the car to a stop in his pebble driveway, she admired Conor’s sensible approach of investing his earnings in real estate. He been the one to persuade Gavin to do the same, hoping the base it created would stem Gavin’s tendency to wander.
Conor answered after a short delay and didn’t hide his surprise to find Sophie at his doorstep.
“Hi, Soph. What are you doing here?” he asked.
“That’s not a very warm welcome!” she said with a laugh.
“Apologies, honey. Come in, please.” He offered her his hand and when she took it he leaned in to kiss her on the cheek.
He led her inside and down a short hall to an unadorned foyer.
“I thought I’d see if you and Gavin want to have dinner.”
“Sure, but where’s Gav?”
Sophie looked around his empty living area. “He’s not here?” Her heart suddenly felt heavy, each beat a thud.
“When I talked to him today he didn’t mention coming by,” Conor told her carefully.
“And where was he when you talked to him?”
Conor hesitated. He ran his hand through his short cropped hair and then rested both hands on his hips. “I don’t think I should get in the middle.”
“Just tell me.”
“He was,” he said hesitantly, “at Julia’s.”
“Oh.” The blood drained from her face as the image of Gavin and Julia standing closely together and talking came to mind.
“Nothing’s going on with them anymore, though. You don’t have to worry.”
Sophie blinked against the tears stinging her eyes. She needed answers. Information was the only way to feel any kind of control at the moment. “Right. Because they broke up, and anyway they were only together for . . . .”
Realizing his mistake, Conor closed his eyes and muttered, “Fuck me.”
“They were together how long?” she asked.
“A year or thereabouts.”
“And they broke up when?”
“I dunno.”
This confirmed her fear that Gavin was still involved with Julia. She had been their fool. His fool. Leaving home, school, her life on a mere whim. Agreeing to marry someone she didn’t even really know anymore. Someone who had another lover. Maybe even someone he loved. She suddenly felt incredibly young. Young and naïve. She longed for her mother, longed for a protective embrace and assurances that everything would be okay. It was a false desire, though, as she knew her mother would only suggest she had made her own mistakes and had to fix them herself.
She had suppressed her usual common sense when she agreed to marry Gavin and move to another country. It had been denial and living in a fantasy to rush into all of this. And now the truth of how reckless she had been came crashing down around her and left her short of breath.
Sophie raised a shaky hand to her mouth. “What have I done?” she whispered, her eyes filling with tears.
“What have you—no, Sophie. It’s not what you think. It’s certainly nothing to weep about.”
“I have changed my whole life for him. For nothing.”
“That’s not true. Jesus, don’t you know that he chose you? That’s what this all means? You have been the only thing on his mind since that Palladium gig. It’s right fucking annoying, to be honest.”
“You don’t understand.”
“Listen, Julia’s just a friend now.”
“Then why is he lying to me about where he is?”
“Probably so you wouldn’t think the things you are now.”
She could see in this answer how Gavin would manipulate things as well. He would twist it so that his deceptions were somehow her fault. “I should go. I’m sorry to drop in on you like this.”
“Wait. Stay for a cuppa. Just ‘til you calm down.”
Tea was the last thing she wanted. It wouldn’t replace the overwhelming feeling of betrayal nor would it bring back the hope she had had for a future with Gavin.
Shaking her head, she turned away. But he grabbed her hand and pulled her into his arms before she could move away. After a moment’s hesitation, she relaxed and let his warmth envelop her.
“It’s all right,” he whispered and stroked her hair.
He held her closely and his arms were strong. And when he kissed the top of her head she felt safe. But he wasn’t Gavin. She began to really cry then, although quietly, and her whole body trembled.
“Shh, now,” he told her, pressing his lips to her temple.
He was being sweet to her. The tenderness was too much, though, veering on intimacy. The sudden need to see Gavin hit her. She pulled away from Conor and wiped at her eyes, careful to keep from smudging her makeup.
“Thanks, Connie. I really need to go.”
This time there was no stopping her.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Though Sophie wanted desperately to see Gavin, she didn’t know what she would say to him. The lights were on in the house and she stared at the front windows from inside the parked car until her vision lost focus. She was nauseous and opened the car door to force air into her lungs.
After a silent count to ten, she went to the house and let herself in the unlocked front door. Gavin was in the front room, crouching down by the sound system as he sorted through CDs. He was in bare feet and had a bottle of Smithwick’s Ale in one hand.
“Hey, darlin’,” he said breezily. “That must’ve been another epic shopping session.”
She wondered if he would continue to lie, so she baited him. “It was. How’s Conor?”
“Good,” he said shortly and set down his beer. “You all right?”
So Conor hadn’t called to warn his friend that he’d better work on his story. That was interesting.
“How’s Julia?” she asked. “Did you make up with her?”
Recognition flooded his face as he realized his misstep. He stood up and moved toward her. “Listen—”
“To what? More lies? No, forget it. I don’t want to hear it.”
She started to move toward the stairs but he quickly blocked her way.
“Come on, darlin’, don’t overreact,” he tried.
“Let me by.” She kept her eyes away from him. She couldn’t look at the man who would treat her this way.
“Talk to me. You can’t just run off without talking to me. Give me a chance.”
Her anger rose and she looked at him now. She wanted him to see the hurt in her eyes. And the fury. “I gave you every opportunity to tell me the truth. I didn’t get jealous and demand to know why this girl kept crying to you. And you still chose to lie to me. And before you tell me that you didn’t lie, stop and think about the fact that you didn’t tell me the truth either.”
“You’re right,” he said, surprising her. “I didn’t. Because I didn’t—”
“Everything is wrong here. Everything,” she said. “I need to go home.”
“You are home, Sophie. Don’t be rash.”
“All I’ve ever done is be rash when it comes to you. I spent my whole year in school here devoted to you. I left everything I had in LA for you. I didn’t once question whether you already had a goddamn girlfriend. And now look what I’ve gotten myself into. I’m in another country, playing house with someone who isn’t really there.”
“That’s not true.”
She laughed bitterly as she finally pushed her way past him. Hurrying up the stairs to their bedroom, she pulled the diamond engagement ring off her finger. It was a dramatic gesture but she wasn’t interested in being reasonable at the moment.
Gavin cursed himself and took a deep breath before running after her.
“Here,”
she said as he joined her, “this doesn’t belong with me.” She held the ring out to him.
He looked stricken. “Yes, it does. Of course it does.”
They stood staring at each other, both refusing to move.
“You’ve got to believe me, darlin’, nothing is going on with Julia. I fucked up, but it wasn’t about cheating on you. I swear to you.”
“Then why lie to me?”
“I . . . I’m an idiot is why. A complete fucking idiot.” His face was pained, the regret and disappointment in himself easy to read.
“You’re right about that,” she muttered and he laughed with relief. She hadn’t meant to give him an out but realized that was exactly what she had done. She had gone from feeling betrayed and hurt to almost flippant about it all. What was it about him that made her want to forgive him?
“Here’s the absolute truth: the other night at the pub was the first time I even thought about her since we left for the tour. Once I saw her, I realized what a dick I was and I certainly didn’t want to confess that to you. I mean, from my perspective, what she and I had was casual. There were no promises made. I hadn’t been with her or even spoken with her in months. But that still doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have thought to explain things to her, especially after we got engaged. I took the easy way out, I guess, and convinced myself I didn’t owe her anything. I was a royal bastard to her.”
Sophie nodded and looked away from him.
“Put the ring back on, Sophie. Please.”
She closed the ring in her fist and sat on the edge of the bed. “I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do.”
“I was never in love with her. It was a friendship that slipped into a sexual thing. And it’s all over. It’s been over.”
She closed her eyes tight, trying to think. Trying to be logical and not be assuaged so easily by his dismissal of it all. “How long were you together?”
He thought for a moment. “About a year.”
This time he passed her test and she looked at him. “Don’t you ever lie to me, Gavin. I don’t deserve that kind of disrespect.”
Tangled Up In You: A Rogue Series Novel Page 12