Beanee Weenees. What the actual fuck?
Terrified of what I would find, but determined to push through, I climbed the stairs to the second floor, wincing at how loose the bannister was and how powdery and almost, well, gnawed looking the spindles leading up the stairs looked. The entire staircase used to be grand and gleaming; now it was held together with a prayer. To say nothing of how creaky the steps were as I made my way up, winding around crates of glasses stamped with cartoon characters and bags of what looked like tube socks.
The upstairs hallway wasn’t any better. An Oriental rug runner that had seen better days led me through canyons of commemorative cheerleading banners, and an actual suit of armor. Well, half a suit. I’d no idea where the torso might be, but the knight’s metal legs were in residence in the hallway. I peeked into one, two, three guest bedrooms and found more of the same: tidy but serious stacks of things. And stuff. It was just more and more things and stuff.
Sighing as I came to the end of the hallway, I opened the door onto what I remembered was the master bedroom. And here was the knight’s torso, holding court on a stand in front of the wide picture window, overlooking the sea. Planning a watery invasion? Not likely, his legs being in the hallway, you see.
The ornate four-poster bed, still majestic and beautiful, was sagging in the middle. Well, bowling balls will do that. Yep, seven to be exact. Pink. Lined up down the center.
I turned in a circle, taking it all in.
Aunt Maude might have been shithouse crazy.
I left the house through the back door, testing each floorboard before putting my full weight on it. That scratch on my leg was throbbing. I’d need to head back into town and find some Bactine.
Ugh. I shuddered to think about sleeping in any of those beds until I could do a good airing out. The couch didn’t look too bad, though. I could sleep there just for tonight until I could—
I was pulled from my thoughts by a soft whinny. The barn! I turned to look: still weathered red, with a pasture surrounded by a weathered wooden fence. Across the long dooryard from the house, I could see the old pump for the well that had been there forever. As I walked through the grass, a few chickens scratched at the ground.
Mr. Montgomery had said there were still a few animals. Someone from town took care of them, someone who had worked for Aunt Maude for a while. Hank, I think his name was. I hadn’t seen any sign of him in the house; perhaps the barn?
I headed toward the barn door, the chickens squawking and making sure I knew my presence was unnecessary this afternoon. I toed my way through and poked my head around the corner.
Warm and still, the oaken beams soared just as high as they did when I was a little girl, when I had spent hours swinging from a rope above. I could see the hayloft, stuffed full with feed for the horses. Er, horse. I counted seven empty stalls, and one solitary horse. Which whinnied again.
“Hey there, Mr. Horse,” I soothed, the extent of my equestrian knowledge being exactly zero. But I always see people on television stroking the nose.
I didn’t get to the nose. Because before I could get to the nose, I stepped in the shit.
Turns out picturesque old barns with actual living horses also come with poop. Which was now all over my boot. I limped on the left from the porch scratch and dragged on the right from the poop boot right back out into the yard. And for the history buffs out there, apparently shit and hay mixed together literally makes a kind of mortar. Like you could build a house with this stuff. So my right foot now weighed two thousand pounds.
I limped-dragged toward the cliff, trying to scrape my boot off but succeeding only in smearing dandelions into the mixture. “Oh for the love of fuck,” I muttered, trying to laugh about this and retain the feeling I’d had before the shit step. I was in love with Mendocino, I was in love with this new adventure, I was in love with—
And then? I saw him. As I stood at the edge of the earth, buffeted by the wind, I saw a distant rider on a black horse on the pristine beach below, which curved as far as the eye could see.
My toes curled up in joy.
He splashed through the surf, galloping through the waves. Hurtling down the crooked, winding steps, down, down, down toward the beach. I forgot my brick shoe, I forgot my ripped jeans, I forgot everything but . . . the rider.
And as he galloped closer, his features were revealed. And by features, I mean he wore not a stitch of clothing upon his mighty chest. Long, strong legs wrapped around the powerful black stallion, which snorted and tossed its head into the sea spray. Legs wrapped in the luckiest denim ever sewn led my eyes up, up, up to the most chiseled chest and abs, cut into his golden wet skin by the hand of sweet merciful God himself. Arms? His arms were like pythons, his hands holding the barest of reins, preferring to guide his horse with a gentle nudge and prod. And speaking of a nudge and prod.
His manhood was apparent even through his jeans.
I gulped as I traversed the treacherous steps, finally reaching the beach and slowing my pace as he approached. Closer now, I could see that his hair was long, and flowing, and a blond the exact color of honey and lust. I stood upon the sand as he cantered close, his cowboy hat—a motherfucking cowboy!—tilted back to reveal a face that could make angels sing and devils weep. Square jaw, full lips, and dark smoldering eyes that made me want to get lost in them for the foreseeable future.
He rode his stallion right up to me, looking down at my female form and raising an eyebrow in . . . appreciation? Admiration? Total and complete abandon?
Was this Cowboy Hank? Oh my, yes, it was. Because his belt buckle told me so . . .
Those perfect lips parted, and he said—
“Hey, lady, this beach is private property. Get the hell outta here.”
He spun his horse and galloped away. But as a parting gift, his horse crapped on the beach.
I dragged myself back toward the stairs, my footprints behind me ridiculous due to the now shit-hay-dandelion-sand-encrusted-twice-the-normal-size right side and the hobble on the left.
Not how my romance novel was supposed to start . . .
chapter three
I crawled back into the house, mad as a wet hen. Which I’m pretty sure was cackling at me as I’d made my way through the yard and tried to get the old pump working. It didn’t. Naturally.
Cowboy Hank. I couldn’t believe it. Not exactly the introduction I’d hoped for. But still, he was dreamy as all get-out. I’d tangled with bad boys before. I could do it again. All great romance novels had a conflict to overcome, right? Granted, they rarely started with horseshit, but I’d adapt. But for now, I had business to attend to.
Humming the Bad Boys theme song, I peeled my disgusting boots off, rolled my jeans up past the muck and the cut in my shin, and headed toward the kitchen. Using the cleanest rag I could find I ran the water until it was scalding hot, then cleaned out the cut. I’d sat through multiple piercings and tattoos; hot water was nothing. Climbing back upstairs, I ransacked the bathroom medicine cabinets, looking for anything I could use to disinfect my leg. The last thing I needed was to get an infection.
Bad boys bad boys, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when your horse poops poo . . . I sang to myself and the legless knight as I poked around in Aunt Maude’s bathroom.
Finding nothing but a bottle of iodine—did they even sell iodine anymore?—I saturated a cotton ball with the brown liquid and dotted it on and around. Gross. But effective for now. First-aid needs temporarily met, I evaluated and assessed.
Drugstore for real disinfectant.
Grocery store for food.
Liquor store for the love of all that is holy.
I changed into a clean pair of jeans and boots, grabbed my bag, and headed back out to the car. On my way, I realized I hadn’t looked in the garage. Mr. Montgomery had said there was a car, a real looker. Did I even want to go there?
My leg was stinging. I passed on the garage, I’d take my chances later on. Soon I was heading back into town, looking right and left. I knew I’d passed a—aha! A drugstore. Right next to the grocery store and everything else I needed. Parking my car, I noticed the girl from the coffee shop heading toward me. Jamie? Jennifer?
“Jessica. It’s Jessica,” she called out in greeting.
“Did I say that out loud?” I asked, mortified. Lack of sleep and jet lag must be starting to hit.
“No, but you had that look. How’s the house?” she asked, falling into step as I walked along the sidewalk toward the drugstore.
“The house? Hmm, well.”
“I gotta tell you, I’m dying to see the inside of it. Maude’s kept to herself so much the last few years, ordering her groceries in, not really coming into town anymore. The whole town’s been buzzing about someone new moving in,” she said, nodding to an older couple passing by. “Evening, Owen, Polly.”
“Lovely evening, isn’t it, Jessica?” the older gentleman responded, smiling at me.
“Certainly is,” Jessica replied.
Mayberry. Literally Mayberry.
“So where you headed?” she asked. Nosy. But nice.
“Had a run-in with a splintered porch step, so I’m grabbing some disinfectant. Then some beer.”
“Good call. Well, if you need a recommendation for a quick bite, the pizza across the street is the best in town. The fact that my boyfriend owns the restaurant is only part of the reason it’s the best.” She laughed, her eyes twinkling. I looked where she was pointing and saw a bustling, comfortable-looking place. As I’d been cleaning up, the sun had sunk low across the ocean. The lights of the town were turning on. Streetlamps dotted the sidewalks, shops were closing up but still spilled a soft light out onto the pavement. And that fiery ball lit up the western sky like a painting.
Weird day, yes. But oddly great.
“Pizza’s good, huh?” I asked, my stomach now rumbling. When was the last time I’d eaten?
“Pizza is freaking great; tell John I sent you. Get him to make you the Butcher Block special, it’s unreal.”
“Now that you mention it, I’m starving. I could eat an actual butcher.”
“Nah, we have a great butcher. Stan. And the town would tar and feather you if you took him out of service. Fantastic ribs.”
The town had a butcher. An honest-to-god butcher. I fucking loved this place.
“Okay, Butcher Block pizza it is. Thanks for the advice.”
“Sure thing. I put the coffee out at six a.m.; stop by anytime,” she replied, pulling off her ball cap and shaking out her hair. With a wave, she headed off down the sidewalk.
I did indeed take her advice and headed across the street. I found John behind the bar, a great big ex–football player type, and told him I heard he was the man to see about a Butcher Block special.
“My girl sent you, didn’t she?” He grimaced, but in a good-natured way.
“She sure did. And I have to tell you, I’m from the East Coast, so I’m a little funny about pizza,” I replied with a raised eyebrow. He laughed out loud, smacking his hands together.
“A challenge has been thrown down. Butcher Block special it is, coming right up. You eating here or taking it home?”
“Home, I think, but I need to run a few errands in the meantime. Thirty minutes good?”
“It’ll be ready in twenty-five.”
I told him that was perfect, and set off to grab what I needed to make it through the night in Clutter Central.
I hurried into the drugstore, grabbed some Bactine and Band-Aids, and hit the grocery store next door. I nabbed some cereal and a small container of milk; I’d wait and do my real shopping once I purged the house of all things Beanee Weenee. I also picked up a few flashlights, because the way this day was going I figured it couldn’t hurt to be prepared. Checking my watch, I had just enough time to head into the liquor store, grab a six-pack, then back into John’s to pick up the most heavenly smelling pizza ever created.
“You stop by tomorrow and tell me that wasn’t the best pizza you’ve ever had.” He winked, handing me the box and a big stack of napkins.
“Wow. Lots of napkins. Always a good sign.” I laughed, and paid.
“How’s the house, by the way?”
“Is there a sign on my forehead?” I asked, shaking my head. “How in the world do you know about that?”
“Jessica told me, but the East Coast thing gave it away.” He grinned. “Enjoy.”
I smiled, grabbed my change, and headed back to my car.
Back at the house, sitting at the dining room table surrounded by dolls, I ate the best pizza I’d ever had. Halfway through the second slice, though, I covered them up with a tarp.
Dolls are scary fuckers.
I liked my environment clean. Neat. Orderly. Hospital corners? Yes, please. Can labels showing to the front? Thank you kindly. How else could you see what’s in the can?
This house was the polar opposite of what I preferred, and yet . . . As I bedded down for the night, the bed consisting of cedar-smelling camp blankets I’d dug out of an old chest in a guest room and arranged on the large sofa in the living room, I felt strangely content. Belly full of pizza and beer, pleasantly warm and a bit tipsy, I’d turned out the lights and walked through the lower level once more, checking locks. I paused in front of the picture window, the moon full and bright on the Pacific below. I’d seen some clouds beginning to gather before full dark, but now things looked clear and peaceful.
I had a to-do list started for the next day, but tonight I was beat. Letting the long day finally overtake me, I sank into a deep sleep in my new home. And on the inside of my eyelids? A playback of Hank on that horse. The body, the bulk, the buckle. Bad boy? I could manage that . . .
Drip.
Drip.
Drippity drip.
I rubbed my face, wiping it dry. Back to sleep.
Drip.
Drip.
Drippity drip drip.
No. No no no!
I sat up straight, staring at the ceiling, only to be splashed once more. The room was bathed in a flash of light, illuminated like a photograph for an instant, then returned to darkness. I heard a rumble of thunder, accompanied by another flash of lightning. And another round of drips.
Then I remembered the tin buckets I’d moved to make room for my bed. I’d thought they were just placed here and there as part of the random collections. Nope. Rain catchers. Of course there was a leaky roof.
Sighing, I pulled my blankets off to the side, replaced the buckets where I could find the drips, and curled back into a ball. I mentally added another task to my to-do list. I fell back into a troubled sleep while listening to:
Drip.
Drip.
Drippity drip.
The next morning I spent twenty minutes trying to figure out how to make the Eisenhower-era coffeepot work, before I remembered that Jessica had said she opened her shop at 6 a.m. Since I’d been up since 4 a.m. (time difference was going to take some adjusting to), I was in my car and into town almost as soon as I could throw on some clothes. The storm the night before had scrubbed clean the already fresh air, and by the time I’d hit the front door of Cliffside Coffee, the cobwebs were mostly swept from my brain.
A bell tinkled overheard as I opened the door, and I saw that lots of people started their day here. It was a cross between old-fashioned dive diner and cozy coffee shop, and heads turned to check out my arrival. But all in a pleasant Hi how are you? kind of way. I spied Jessica behind the counter, and she waved me down to the end.
“I wondered if I’d see you this morning. Coffee?”
“Bless you.”
“Black, right?”
“As midnight, please.” I sighed, sitting down on the stool and gratefully accepting a mug
.
She set down a menu with a grin, then topped off several other customers’ cups.
“By the way, you were right. That pizza was like a gift from the gods.”
“I told you! No one knows meat like my boyfriend. Eyes on your own breakfast there, Mr. Martin. I know exactly what I just said,” she warned, thumping the counter in front of who I guessed must be Mr. Martin. “Dirty old man.” She laughed. He grinned at her but did indeed go back to his own breakfast. “How was your first night?”
“Shitty, actually. Leaky roof.”
“Ugh. The worst.” She nodded sympathetically, then looked down at the menu. “You know what you want?”
I was famished. That sea air was definitely working on my appetite. “Let’s do the Hungry Man breakfast.”
“Nice,” she said. “I’ll go put the order in.” She moved away, taking care of her other customers as I watched the comings and goings. There was an interesting mix of people here, old and young. There seemed to be an artistic bent to this community from what I’d seen so far, equal parts California granola/free spirit vibe along with a side of coastal chic. I saw a few guys dressed in coveralls, and it made me think of something. When Jessica brought my breakfast over, I asked her, “So if I needed to get some work done on the house, roof, porch, et cetera, any recommendations on who to hire?”
“Sure, plenty. Want me to put the word out?”
“Yeah, I’m not a hundred percent sure what I’ll need yet, but there’s definitely some work to be done.”
“Sounds like you’re planning on staying awhile,” she observed, looking at me with a knowing smile.
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