“Don’t!” yelled Alfred. He shot tomato seeds at them, but they bounced harmlessly off the gang.
“Aim!” said Adam.
“Stop!” screamed Nancy, squirting ketchup at them. Adam just licked it off his shirt.
“Fire!!”
“NOOOO!” Freddy tried to run away, but his foot hit some wet paint on the floor and he flipped up in the air, directly in front of the paintball guns as they fired. The paintballs hit him at the same time, covered him with a black ooze, and sent him flying up, up, up to the ceiling.
“Retreat, men!” barked Adam. “Mission accomplished.”
The Spanker gang flew out the door.
Alfred and Nancy watched Freddy shooting to the ceiling. He seemed to be moving in slow motion, his mouth open and one long scream coming out of it. “AAAAAHHHHHH!”
When Freddy hit the ceiling of the Burger Castle, the black, sticky ooze rained down all over the restaurant.
BAM! Freddy hit the floor and lay there. He slowly sat up and looked at his father and sister. Covered in black, they all looked like they had just struck oil.
“And stay out,” whispered Freddy to the long-gone Adam Spanker and his gang.
“Well,” said Alfred as he wiped the black off his glasses. “Those boys certainly are mischievous.”
“Mischievous?” exclaimed Nancy. “They should be in prison.”
“Now, Nanny Boo-Boo,” replied her father.
“Maybe we should leave town, Dad,” said Nancy. “Adam’s father owns the Patty Cakes, and he’s the police chief, and the mayor. We don’t stand a chance. And I’m running out of clothes that don’t have paint splotches on them.”
Freddy said angrily, “We’re not going to let Spanker and his gang run us out of town. Right, Dad?”
“Well, if we don’t start getting customers coming in soon, Freddy, the decision won’t be up to us. We won’t be able to afford to stay here. We don’t have much savings left.”
“Don’t worry, Dad, our float will win and this place will be packed.”
“I hope so,” answered his father.
“We will win,” said Freddy. But he wasn’t nearly as confident as he sounded.
As they were driving home that evening, Freddy fell asleep in the back of the station wagon. He dreamt that the Funkhousers had won the float competition and the Burger Castle was crammed with customers, and that he was big and strong and had just beaten up Adam and his whole gang all by himself. But when he woke up he was still Freddy Funkhouser, a nine-year-old boy who was small for his age, wore glasses, and had blond hair that always stuck up in back.
Freddy couldn’t use his brawn to beat Spanker since he didn’t have any. But he did have something Spanker didn’t have: A brain. A big one!
“Think, Freddy, think.” And then it hit him. He almost yelled out, he was so excited. He had the very thing that would win the competition and finally beat the Spankers and their fancy float.
When they got home Freddy raced to his secret laboratory.
“This means war, Adam Spanker,” he called out as he sprinted there. “And you’re going down or my name isn’t Freddy Tesla Funkhouser.”
CHAPTER
THE FUNKHOUSER EXPERIMENT
Freddy had spent the last week reworking the special project he was doing for the Burger Castle float. Exhausted, he now leaned against the wall of his laboratory. His lab was underneath one of the old barns on the farm he and his family lived on. Over the last few years Freddy had outfitted his lab with leftover equipment and machinery he had found on the farm. The large room was crammed with inventions he had built from old tractors, generators, combines, tillers, lawnmowers, milking machines, and tons of other stuff. He had done many experiments, first under the close eye of his father, but now he did a lot by himself. His father had taught him that a good scientist thought through all the consequences before conducting an experiment. Well, Freddy had given his latest project a lot of thought and work, but he still had a big problem.
There was a loud buzzing sound and Freddy picked up an old phone that was attached to a black cord.
“Who is it?”
“Howie,” said the voice on the phone.
“What’s the password?” Freddy said.
“Adam Spanker eats his own boogers,” said the voice.
“Roger that,” answered Freddy.
“Over and out,” said the voice.
Freddy hit a button on his big lab table. There was a scream and something dropped from the ceiling and landed in a pile of hay behind him.
Howie Kapowie stood unsteadily and brushed the straw off his clothes. He was one of Freddy’s friends. Actually, Howie was Freddy’s only friend. Howie was even smaller than Freddy, with brown hair that had an even bigger cowlick than Freddy’s. He looked unhappily at his chum. “I thought you were going to work out the kinks on the trapdoor. I’ve got straw in my underwear.”
“I’ve been too busy, Howie,” said a weary Freddy. “I’ve been working on this experiment every night for the last week.”
Howie pulled out a cheese cube from his pocket and popped it in his mouth. Howie loved cheese cubes more than anything. “What kind of experiment?”
“Well, I’m trying to make something really special for our Founders’ Day float.”
“But the Spankers win every year.”
“I know. Their float’s pretty awesome this year,” admitted Freddy. “I snuck a peek in their warehouse. There was some strange man in there talking with Chief Spanker.”
“Knowing the Spankers they probably hired him to build it for them.”
“The rules say you have to build your own.”
“The Spankers make their own rules, you know that.”
Freddy sighed, but then looked excited. “Can you keep a secret?”
Howie looked offended. “I’m a Kapowie; we’re very trustworthy people.”
“This is a super top-secret secret of the highest order.”
“Does the fate of the entire world hang in the balance?”
“Quite possibly.”
Howie popped another cheese cube in his mouth. “Okay, I’m cool with that. Let me have it, Freddio.”
Freddy led him over to a door, opened it, and went into a small room. Howie followed him. It was very dark.
“I can’t see anything,” said Howie.
“The lights automatically come on when the door’s closed.”
Freddy shut the door and the whole room lit up.
“AAAAHHHHH!!!” screamed Howie Kapowie, and he fainted.
Freddy looked down at his friend. “Howie? Howie?” Freddy shook his head, reached in Howie’s pocket, pulled out a cheese cube, and held it under his friend’s nose.
Howie’s nostrils started quivering as they sucked in the smell of the cheese. Finally, Howie’s tongue shot out, scooped up the cheese cube, and his eyes opened and he sat up.
“What is THAT?” he asked, pointing.
“I made them for the float. And I thought we could use them as the symbol for the Burger Castle. You know, like Patty Cakes has. Only lots better.”
Howie stood and peered at the figures lined up against the wall. There were five of them, and all except one were a lot taller than Freddy. They sort of looked like French fries, but they were painted bright colors with faces, arms, and legs. The blue one had on a bowtie and wore thick black glasses. The green one wore a baseball cap. The purple one was the biggest of all with a big butt and belly. The yellow one was the smallest, but had really huge eyes and mouth. One half of the red one’s face was smiling, the other half was frowning.
Freddy explained. “At first I just made them out of my Dad’s secret potatoes and wired them so they could do a few movements. But after seeing the Spanker float I knew I needed something a lot cooler than that. So I used microchips from some old computers to hardwire their brains. I used the biggest microchip I had in the blue one. I call him Theodore. The purple one is Wally, because he’s in the shape of a waff
le fry. The chip in his brain got damaged, but I figured it would still work. The yellow one is Ziggy. I gave him a very funny feature.” He pointed to the green Fry. “That’s Curly, because he’s a curlicue Fry. He can stretch twenty feet into the air, although I had some problems wiring his voice box.”
“So they can talk?” asked an amazed Howie.
“Well, that’s the general idea. The red Fry I don’t have a name for yet. I split its brain chip in half and did some special wiring to give it two different personalities. I thought it’d be kind of neat.”
Howie timidly walked over and gently touched the purple Fry’s leg.
“What are they made of?”
“That’s the best part. Like I said, I used my dad’s super secret potatoes, but I reinforced them with carbon tubes bonded together. Carbon tubing is stronger than anything else in the universe and it’s more flexible than rubber or plastic. It’s called nanotechnology. My dad worked on it when he was with the government. I also built in an electronic-based nervous system and aluminum skeletal platform.”
“Does your dad know you used his stuff?”
Freddy looked a little nervous. “Uh, I haven’t exactly told him yet. I just sort of borrowed the nanotechnology formula and added the potatoes and a few things of my own. I’m sure he won’t mind.”
“So, how come they’re not talking or moving?”
“That’s the problem. I discovered that the energy source required to jump-start them is huge, at least a million jiggy-watts of power. I don’t have anywhere near enough in my generator. I don’t know what I’m going to do,” he added glumly as he sat on the floor.
Howie sat next to Freddy. “A million jiggy-watts, huh? Heck, the hydroelectric dam where my dad works only has half that much power.”
Freddy looked at his friend. “But aren’t there two dams—an upper and a lower one?”
“Yeah, so?”
“So they each produce half-a-million jiggy-watts?”
“Yeah?”
Freddy said excitedly, “Well, the last time I checked, 500,000 plus 500,000 equals a million.”
“But how are you going to use the dam’s power to fire up the Fries?”
“I know just how, but I’m going to need your help. It could be dangerous, though.”
Howie paled. “Gee, Freddy, I don’t know.”
“Are you my best friend?”
“I’m your only friend.”
“Okay, so are you a man or a mouse?”
Howie pulled out a handful of cheese cubes. “Squeak-squeak,” he said.
“Listen, Howie, if we pull this off, we’ll be world-famous. That’s always been my dream. We’ll meet the president, for gosh sakes. We’ll even go to Disney World.” Howie didn’t look impressed with any of this.
“Gee whiz, Howie, what will it take for you to help me?”
Howie thought for a bit and then said, “The world’s largest cheese cube is at a museum in Paris. It’s made from the world’s most stinky cheese, Pâté du Pooty; it’s a hundred feet high and weighs eight and a half tons.”
“It’s yours.”
“Let’s go get those jiggy-watts.”
CHAPTER
THE JIGGY-WATTS CAPER
“Freddy, are you really sure this is a good idea?” shouted Howie.
“It’s the only way that I can see to do it,” Freddy yelled back.
It was very early the next morning. They both had sneaked out of their houses to go on this very special mission. They were on the Pookesville Lake, steering their raft closer to the top of the Pookesville Dam. Piled under a tarp on the raft were the five Fries and some special equipment that Freddy had brought.
Howie looked at the dark sky. “Looks like a storm’s coming in.”
“I checked the weather forecast. We should be long gone before it hits.”
The raft touched a stone barrier at the side of the dam and the boys tied up there.
“Okay, Howie, there’re the stairs to the control room. That’s where the turbines are, right?”
“Yep. And there’s no one there right now. My dad doesn’t get in until nine.”
“You got the key?”
Howie held it up. “The spare from my Dad’s desk at home.”
“Roger that.”
“Over and out, up and down. BINGO!” yelled an excited Howie.
They carried the Fries and equipment down the stairs and to the control room. Howie unlocked the door and they went in.
“Wow,” said Freddy, looking around at all the shiny equipment. “This is so cool.”
“Yeah, and it’s got almost as much stuff as your lab.”
“Okay, let’s go. I’ll re-program the control board to divert the necessary power from the hydroelectric operations to the Fries for one-point-two milliseconds. According to my calculations, that should be all that we need.”
While Freddy reprogrammed the controls, Howie hooked up electrodes to each of the Fries and then attached these by cables to the massive turbines where the electricity gathered from the dam was collected.
They heard a rumble of thunder outside.
“Wow, that storm is really moving fast,” observed Howie as he looked out the window.
“You ready, Howie?” asked Freddy as he finished pushing buttons.
“Ready.”
Freddy and Howie put on safety goggles and lead vests and moved behind a wall. In his hand Freddy held a small remote. “Okay, Howie, keep your fingers crossed.”
“Finger, toes, but don’t pick your nose,” recited Howie, who took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Freddy took his own deep breath, and hit the button.
At first nothing happened and Freddy thought something had gone wrong.
But then there was a low humming sound, and then a louder one, and then an enormous CRRAAACCCKKK! This was followed by a blinding flash of light. And then there was a burning smell. And then everything became quiet again.
Freddy slowly opened his eyes and looked around the corner.
The Fries were still there, their heads still attached to the electrodes. However, other than being slightly singed, nothing had changed. They were still lumps of lifeless potato and carbon.
Freddy stared at his remote control. “We hit them with a million jiggy-watts and it didn’t work. I . . . I can’t believe it.”
Howie looked at his watch. “We better get going. My dad will be here soon.”
They packed up their gear and the Fries and carried them back out to the raft.
“What am I gonna do, Howie?” muttered a depressed Freddy. “This was my last chance.”
“Here, have a cheese cube. It’ll make you think better.”
The boys put on their life jackets, and while Freddy chewed on his cheese cube Howie steered their raft back out onto the lake.
“Better start paddling, Freddy,” barked Howie. “That storm is right on top of us.”
Freddy started paddling halfheartedly. But then the wind picked up. The waves got bigger and the rain started falling hard like millions of BBs. Then Freddy started paddling really fast.
Howie’s face grew very pale. “Uh, Freddy?”
“Yeah?”
“Is that what I think it is?”
Freddy looked to where Howie was pointing. A wave ten feet high was bearing down on them fast.
“AAAAHHHH!!!” both boys screamed together.
“Abandon ship,” yelled Howie.
“What about the Fries?” screamed Freddy over the claps of thunder.
“We can always make more. But there’s only two of us.”
Both boys jumped in the water and swam for their lives. Freddy looked back as he was swimming. The raft was heading right for the big wave.
“Fries!” screamed Freddy. He turned around in the water and started swimming toward the raft, but the current was so strong that the raft was pulling farther and farther away from him.
At that instant a bolt of lightning so big it looked like a wall of electricity comin
g down from the heavens hit the raft full force. A split second later the wave washed over the Fries, pushing the inflatable raft underneath the water. There were no more Fries. There was no more anything.
And then the wave kept on coming, right at Freddy!
“Swim, Freddy, swim!” called out Howie, who was already on the shore and waving to his friend.
Freddy took one last look at where the Fries had been and then turned and swam as fast as he could. But still the wave grew closer and closer.
Howie danced along the shoreline, waving his hands and yelling, “Swim, SWIM!” He was so scared he kept stuffing cheese cubes in his mouth between screams.
But Freddy couldn’t swim any faster than he was. The wave was now twenty feet high and right on top of him.
“NOOOO!” screamed Howie.
“NNOOOOO!” yelled Freddy even louder.
The wave crashed right on top of Freddy.
Howie stuffed all his remaining cheese cubes in his mouth, swallowed, and then passed out.
CHAPTER
SIX FRIES IF YOU COUNT HEADS
Freddy felt himself being pushed down, down, down into the cold grip of the water.
Oh boy, he thought, I’ve really done it now. If I survive this, Dad’s gonna kill me.
Then something grabbed Freddy and propelled him to the surface so fast that it felt like he was on a rocket. He exploded out of the water, and kept going up, up, up. . . . And then he was going down, down, down. And he landed on something very soft and very warm.
“Is he dead?” said a voice.
“Nah, he’s going to be just fine, better than fine, absolutely terrific in fact,” exclaimed a very happy-sounding voice.
“I’m sure he’s dead,” said a gloomy voice.
“Why do you say that?” asked another voice.
“Because nothing good has ever happened to me, that’s why,” replied the gloomy voice.
Freddy finally managed to open his eyes. Now he knew he was dead.
All he could see were colors, swirling colors, right before his eyes. It was pretty, but sort of nauseating at the same time. He sat up, his eyes still not focused. He rubbed them but he still saw rainbows of color.
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