by Lee Smith
You can rest assured of one thing.
I believe your daddy was the best man in the county, bar none.
If there is a heaven, your daddy is right there.
His grave is up high next to my own father’s, facing East so he will see the sun rise and can look upon Bethel Mountain as always. I have to stop now. Because I have written this letter to you, it is real now.
In grief I remain your loving,
MAMA.
Oh Silvaney,
It has been over a month now, it is September and the leaves start to fall, a big yellow sycamore leaf landed all of a sudden on the porch yesterday. It was like a blow to my heart. And when I went walking, I saw where the horsechestnut has changed to red, a red fan of spiky leaves just blazing amongst the green.
Oakley was too young to die.
And I am too young to be a widow woman even though some days I feel old as the hills themselves which I walk among now almost without ceasing, I know they are saying it up and down the holler that I am crazy, crazy like Tenessee, may be that is right. For my grief is so long and so cold, as cold as Oakley’s cheek when they put him in the grave oh he had the prettiest coffin Rufus stayed up two nights running to make it, Martha says he couldn’t hardly see to hit a nail, for crying. You have got to cut this out Ivy. You can’t go on like this, Geneva came up here to say and took Maudy down there with her for a visit. You have got to get a hold on yourself, Geneva said. But I wake in the early light and walk, I can’t help it, I go again and again to the ridge where we picked the berries and the berries is up there still, now spoiling on the bushes for folks has no longer got time to climb up there and pick them and cook. Folks can just buy what they want at the store, and do so. But I go and stand in the little cave nearby, where he first kissed me, and whenever I close my eyes I can see him coming out of the mine at Diamond, and feel my heart leap up to see his face. Oh Silvaney, I never knowed how much I loved him until I left him, and that’s a fact. And now I have lost him again and this time it is for good. No it is not for good. It is for ever. Life seems contrary to me, as contrary as I am. I feel like you never say what you ought to, nor do as you should, and then it is too late. It is all over. I have spent half of my life wanting and the other half grieving, and most often I have been wanting and grieving the same thing. There has been precious little inbetween.
Oakley’s preacher Mr. Blue came up here but nothing he said made me feel any better, and when he said, Now let us bow our heads in prayer, Mrs. Fox, before he left, I just looked down and noted the dust devils everyplace in this house which I have not touched for a month nor will I let Martha nor Marlene Blount come up here to clean it for me. Oakley’s absence is filling it up, this is why I have to leave and go walking. And I know he loved the mountains where I walk.
Oh lord Silvaney, over and over I see in my mind the night he died, he woke up with a pain in his chest, he knew he was dying.
Ivy, he said, turn on the light, and I did, and his face was as gray as his hair. Ivy, my Ivy, he said. I had to bend down to his mouth to hear the words. Ivy I love you, he said, and then, My God.
So then he died, and God has got him now not me.
It was so hot walking up that hill. I kept thinking I saw Granny Rowe around the bend ahead. I thought I saw her long black skirt go swishing, and smelled her pipe smoke in the air. Two others besides Dreama passed out that day from the heat and we left them and gone on up there and got him in the ground as the black clouds were piling up in the sky and the air grew green and still.
Amen, I remember Mr. Blue said Amen just before the thunder cracked and everybody started back down. By the time we hit Pilgrim Knob, the rain was falling hard and big drops were splatting like silver dollars in the dusty yard. They left then, everybody except Ethel. I made them go. Ethel laid down on the bed to rest when the last one left, Mrs. Johnnie Sue Rasnick who is always the first to come and the last to go. She loves a funeral.
It started raining nice and steady, and I went out on the porch. I had sat there so long, over so many years and years, with Oakley, I didn’t hardly see how I could sit there by myself. I looked at Oakley’s rocker which Rufuses daddy had made and gave to Momma years ago, that old rushbottom rocker with the seat now curved to Oakley’s shape. One of his knives was laying right there, and some little pieces of wood, and shavings all around his chair from where he whittled. You know he was always whittling, mostly those little bears. He made them doing everything! Running, sleeping, sitting up, playing. I can’t tell you how many people have asked for a little bear to remember him by, but when I went out to the old tobacco barn to find some more, I couldn’t find a one. He had given them all away. They are all over this county now. But that is how Oakley was. And then I felt so mean because I used to bitch at him for helping folks for free, or for getting shavings all over the porch! I looked over at Oakley’s chair for a while as the rain started pouring harder, and then finally I sat down in my own chair.
It got almost dark—dark green air, and the heavy rain smell came up from all around me. It was like the earth was steaming. Then I cried. I cried a long time. I cried until finally Ethel came to the door and said, Come here Ivy, I want to show you something, and then she took my hand and led me in the kitchen and showed me what all was still there, even after so many folks had come and gone. Meat loaf, a carrot cake from Ruthie, Geneva’s fried chicken of course, and Marlene Blount’s potato salad. Ethel got her a plate of that and me a plate, and sat down.
Sit down, she said to me, and I did, and she took a bite and I did too. What do you think? she said, and I said, Too much onion.
I don’t guess he is marrying her for her potato salad, Ethel said, and I said, What do you mean, marrying her? for that was the first I had heard of it.
Well I don’t know that for sure, Ethel said. But I betcha.
So we ate the potato salad and then some boiled custard and carrot cake.
Then Ethel turned on the radio which still makes me cry as it reminds me of Oakley so much. He was just crazy to hear all about Jackie Robinson.
Well, Ethel stayed up here with me for a while and then she left and I took up walking as I said, and now I am about walked out. I am ready to go down and get Maudy back from Geneva’s and may be sell off another little piece of this land if I can do so. Corey is offering to come up here and stay for a while, and Martha says she will loan me that little boy of hers and Rufuses who is cute as can be. But I have said no to all that. I will not be lonely. Even if it is just me sitting on this porch, I will not be lonely. Although I know that not one hour for the rest of my life will go by without me missing Oakley and that’s a fact. But I will tell you another fact which is just as true, it hit me yesterday.
I can read every book that John O’Hara ever wrote.
I can make up my own life now whichever way I want to, it is like I am a girl again, for I am not beholden to a soul.
I can act like a crazy old woman if I want to which I do.
I can get up in the morning and eat a hot dog, which I did yesterday. I don’t know what I might do tomorrow!
But for sure I will remain your loving sister,
IVY.
July 11, 1952.
Dear Joli,
Sure.
Send him on.
You know I will be happy to have a boy around here again as I have lost too many, I can use one. It will keep me young. The road is real good now from here to town and Maudy can drive him to school when it starts. Ethel and Victor got her a car for her 16th birthday it is a powderblue Sprint convertible. Maudy makes you say powderblue instead of just blue. She is a majorette. Maudy is a sight in this world and she has got a job in the dime store selling make-up and records. So, David can walk over to Geneva and Ruthie’s after school and then Maudy will pick him up when she gets off work, and bring him up here. We have got it all figured out. Ethel has already got him a slinky to play with. So you just send him on, and we will be tickled to death.
Now
then. There is not a reason in the world for you to feel bad about getting a divorce, Joli. The divorce like the T.V. is the wave of the future it seems to me! And if people could of done it way back when—if they had of known they could do it, I mean—why there would be a lot of them divorced today instead of just crazy. This is a fact. Instead what happened is they just stayed together for life until one of them got sick and died, that’s what, like Stoney Branham and his first wife. Or like Delphi Rolette who would of left that crazy Reva in a minute if he’d thought he could. And him such a handsome man. But he was stuck, as so many are stuck.
You know I would be the last one in the world to get on to you for something like this. I am glad you are going back to school too. And if you want to be a writer, I am glad. I know where you get that from, Ha!
I only have one thing to say to you Joli, about all of this. It is, do not feel bad about Taylor Three, and do not think that it is your fault or any fault with you. It is not your fault. Do not listen to that mother of his either. Forget it. Forget her. It was in his nature, and that is that.
I was thinking today about something your daddy said one time. I think you will like to hear this. We had been out walking in the woods down by the creek and he saw this old stump and drug it home. Then he just set it in the middle of the yard and walked around and around it, whistling. It was an ugly thing, with roots poking up ever which way, all gnarly and old.
What are you aiming to do with that, Daddy? Are we going to chop it up? asked Bill and Danny Ray. They loved to chop things up.
No siree, your daddy said. He kept circling the stump and whistling.
I went in the house and got some beans and some newspaper to string them on, and came back out there and sat down and started stringing them and watching him. Finally I couldn’t stand it any more and I said, Oakley honey, what are you doing?
And your daddy said, I am studying the nature of this stump.
This was the first animal he ever made, Joli. This was that floppy eared dog that he gave to that kindercare center that Ludie runs. But later, a lot later it must of been several years, he said almost the same thing to the newspaper lady that came up here taking pictures of his animals.
She said, Mister Fox, where do you get your ideas from? I can see her yet in my mind’s eye, licking her lips, with her pencil ready to write.
Oakley took his time answering her. He looked over at Bethel Mountain for a while, and then he looked at his animals, and then he looked at her. Finally he said, I am bad to find the nature of a stump. I will never forget it. Bad to find the nature of a stump, he said.
For it is so, Joli.
The true nature will come out whether or no, we have all got a true nature and we cant hide it, it will pop out when you least expect it. I never thought I would walk up the mountain my dear with Honey Breeding, and once I got up there, I never thought I would come back down. Nor that I would turn into an old mountain woman like I have, and proud to be so.
Honey, honey. Now I mean you, Joli. This is Taylor’s nature that is all, may be it is not even so unnatural as we all think! The older I get, the more different things seem natural enough to me. I take a real big view! Just remember that it is no reflection on you, and then forget it. Put him behind you and go on. I did not think he was your kind anyway, Joli. I thought he made you nervous. So keep that in mind for next time. If a man makes you nervous at all, if a man makes you feel uncomfortable even for a reason you can’t name, then that is not the one.
Do not worry about sending money as I have sold off a little more land, we will get by fine.
I am fixing up the boys old room for David. I am painting it aqua blue! Rufus is bringing him a new little desk over here tomorrow. He made it.
Take it easy.
I remain your loving,
MAMA.
March 21, 1954.
Dear Joli,
Put down everything you are doing right now and listen to me. I mean it. Make yourself a cup of coffee and sit down and put your feet up.
The first thing is, I did not raise you, nor any one of you, to be a quitter. For you take after me and Ethel and Beulah, who are spitfires as you know. Your hair is as red as ours was! Remember this, Joli—if you act like a rug, everybody is going to walk on you. You are not the first one to get a divorce nor will you be the last, a woman does not need to have a man around all the time anyway!
So, buck up. Here is some money from me and a check signed by Victor which is really from Ethel, now do not be stupid. Go on and cash it. Get yourself a new pair of shoes. Geneva always said, A new pair of shoes will make anybody feel better! But do not take any money from Taylor Three’s mother at all, we will not be beholden to her in any way. I can see her feeling guilty since he has run off to California with that person. I guess she is embarassed too, I would be! But I would just steer clear of them all if it was me honey, I think she sounds crazy. She can start David a trust fund if she has got a mind to do something, this is what Danny Ray is suggesting. You know the government is paying for him to go to law school now, so we might as well take his advice on the legal. He is going to call you up on the long distance telephone and talk to you about it. So you listen to him good, and cash this check, and do not be so stubborn trying to make ends meet. If you work all the time, you won’t be able to study, nor to write anything at all.
And I am counting on you now to be a writer which I never was. I read the best book the other day that Marlene brought me up from the drugstore, it was Gone With the Wind, I guess you have all ready read it. I stayed up all night long for two nights, reading that. It seemed so real, it seemed like it was happening right down there on Home Creek. Oh Joli! It is no time atall that you and me were sitting out together in the sweet long grass and I knew what all you had read and what you’d not. And now you have gone on past me down the road. It is too late for you to turn back, honey. You have got past the point where you can do that, past the point where you could ever come back here and live. I know it and you know it. So you have got to keep on keeping on. I know it is hard sometimes.
But your David is fine, we get the biggest kick out of him! The fact is, Ethel and Victor and me are all fighting over him, he is so sweet. He is real good company. He likes to play with Marlene Blount’s boys, Ernest and John and Bobby, they would tumble around out there like monkeys all day long if we would let them. By the way, Marlene is going to have another baby now which is Bills of course, he is tickled pink! It is time he made an honest woman of her, too. Bill and Marlene put all of them boys in the back of his truck and took them clear to Richlands to see a movie in 3-D. David has talked and talked about it. He wears those crazy 3-D glasses all the time. And Maudy has taught him how to dance the jitterbug. I think it is fair to say, he is having a real good time here. He does so good in school, too. His teacher is Mrs. Price Johnson who was Betty Duveen that is one of the Duveens from up on Six and Twenty Mile Branch. Anyway his teacher thinks he is so sweet. The thing about a grandchild is, you do not feel like you have got to raise them up so careful for you know it will not do that much good anyway (Ha). So you get a real bang out of them instead, or I do mine.
I don’t know if I wrote you or not, but all the school kids have to take a little towel and lay down on it for an hour at lunchtime, so they will not get polio. David likes to take a red towel with flowers. I guess it is a good idea for them to lay down at lunch.
Now I will tell you the funniest thing David did down at Geneva’s the other day at Sunday lunch. We had corn on the cob and David just loved it. He ate about three ears. Then after lunch when he was helping them to clear the table, he said to me, Mamaw, Mamaw, where do I put the bones?
Why, what bones, honey? I said, for we had had chicken pie.
These corn bones! David said, and all present just about died laughing. He is so cute. He has not growed a bit since he has been here but he eats like a horse, I reckon he will start to shoot up before long.
Here is some real news. Since
Victor has more and more trouble getting around, Ethel says she is going to sell the store and move him down to Florida where he has always wanted to go, he says. I think Victor just thought this up lately, so he would have something to talk about all the time and devil everybody with. You know how he is. I bet he is surprised that Ethel has took him up on it. But you know Ethel! She will do anything. Plus she has been saying that the Magic Mart is putting a big dent in her business and she wants to get out while the getting is good. Anyway, she has sold the store to Hawk Matney for a good sum, and they are going. I cannot picture them in Florida at all. There is one of Stoney Branham’s boys down there that has found them a little house, dirt cheap. That’s what Ethel says. She says it is pink and has a lime tree in the yard. Ethel says she wants to fish off a dock, and sit out under a palm tree, and watch the world go by. She says she wants to paint her fingernails and eat key lime pie. I don’t know what in the world Victor thinks he will do down there. I bet they will be back up here in no time flat. Ethel says to me, Ivy, you ought to come too, and I did think about it some, but I said No. I cannot feature me being there, and said so.
I belong right here, I told Ethel. I’ve got things to do!
And that is all the news for now except that Judge Brack just lays in the downstairs bedroom at Geneva’s without even moving a muscle. He will not eat a thing either but mashed-up bananas and oatmeal which I guess a person could live on if they had to. Geneva has hired a girl to sit right by him when she can’t be there, but mostly she is.
Anyway, you study hard and don’t worry about David, I am not going to go to Florida anytime soon. David is no drain on me honey, but the perfect joy of my heart. When the time comes, I will hate to send him back.