by Jodie Larson
When I sang “Amnesia” yesterday, I was serious. Every day I wake up, wanting to forget everything that’s happened. Not just because of Myles. These last few years have been some of the worst. Every emotional test has been thrown my way and each one I’ve lost. When I moved back to Kansas City, I did so only because I knew it’d be safe. Myles was gone and I could take care of what I needed to without distraction.
“You’re right, I didn’t,” Kade says, pulling me back to our conversation. He looks around the living room with a frown. “Something’s different. Where are all your pictures? Better yet, where’s your dad’s recliner?”
I swallow hard. A rock forms in my throat, threatening to block my airway. “I had to get rid of it.”
“Why?” Kade stares at me bewildered. Please don’t make me say it. He must read my expression because his eyes soften, growing sad as he nods. Then he wraps his arms around me, pulling me tight into his chest. I squeeze him with everything I have, trying my best not to show how broken I feel on the inside. We stand there for a moment, comforting each other because my pain was always his, and vice versa. Growing up together has that advantage.
Wiping at my eyes, I pull back and force a smile. “It’s okay now. It’s getting easier.”
He leans against the back of the couch, crossing his arms in front of him. “How long?”
I look down. “Four months.”
“Why didn’t you call me?”
“One, I didn’t know your number. Two, we haven’t spoken in forever. What was I going to say?”
Kade, the protector, is back. “You could have said anything you wanted and I would have been there for you.”
Closing the distance, I shove his shoulder like a sister would do to her brother. “I know you would have. Even if I did have your number, knowing what I know now, I still wouldn’t have called you.”
He chuckles and pulls me into him again. “You always were a pain in the ass.”
“Likewise.”
I’ve missed this. Even though he’s not the one I want to be here with, Kade is still my friend, my brother. The second person I would run to when I needed help.
Nothing more is said as we pick up the heavy suitcases and load them into the trunk of his car. He knows when to leave something alone and when to push me to talk. This isn’t that time.
“So Adrienne says you two are expecting?” I say as we head down the road. Kade’s car is nice, a heck of a lot nicer than that rusted up piece of shit he drove in school.
The smile on his face makes my heart happy. “Yeah, we’re only a couple months along, but it’s exciting. Definitely ready to start a family with her.”
I turn my head in his direction. “You? A family guy? I feel like Ashton Kutcher should pop out of the back seat to tell me I’m being Punk’d.”
He laughs as we come to a standstill in traffic. “I know. It never crossed my mind before either. Then I met Adrienne and it’s all I wanted. She’s changed me for the better, even though she’ll tell you it’s the other way around. She was a little…broken when we first met. Very unsure of herself. But tragedy will do that to a person.” Kade sadly smiles at me. “I have a feeling you two have more in common than you know.”
An ache forms in my chest, squeezing my ribs until they’re brittle enough to break. If we have something in common, that means she’s had a rough patch too. I wonder if ours are the same.
Keeping the topic on him, I ask, “So where did you meet her? She’s very nice.”
With his eyes on the road, he plays with the ring on his finger, his lips drifting upward in the corners as he talks. “Believe it or not, at The Warehouse. Adrienne was a bartender, but not that night. She and Quinn were there to watch our gig and I saw her in the crowd. It’s not often you see a girl in a hoodie during a rock concert. Most of the girls are wearing slightly less.”
“So I’ve seen,” I say, not holding back the sarcasm in my voice. It makes him laugh.
“You noticed, too? Yeah, Adrienne used to get upset by it, but now she knows they don’t mean anything.”
“That’s what she said. Trust is a powerful thing. I’m glad you both have that with each other.”
Kade parks the car in a lot and kills the engine. Two large coach buses sit next to us, tall enough to almost block out the sun. Of course, it could just be the angle I’m looking at them from. Very plain and non-distinct. You’d never know there was a major band traveling inside. I’m sure Kade wanted it that way. He always loved to fly under the radar when necessary.
Pax and Breck greet us as we unload my bags from the trunk.
“Here, let me get that,” Breck says, taking the bag from me with a smile.
I shake my head. “I’ve got it, you don’t have to.”
He ignores me and walks toward the bus with it. What am I going to do with him? Some things never change.
Except for Myles, who’s standing by the bus with his face attached to some chick. My steps falter as I get closer, the ache in my chest expanding even more. I know we agreed to be civil, but I’m not sure I can handle seeing this all the time. Those lips never used to touch anyone but mine. Those arms never used to wrap around another body. For a period of time, he was mine. Yeah, I screwed it up, but it doesn’t mean I need that reminder all the time.
I move quickly to Breck as he gets off the other bus. “Thanks. You didn’t have to, you know.”
He ruffles my hair as I try to smack his hands away. “Sure I did. It’s the gentlemanly thing to do.”
I roll my eyes. “You? Gentleman? Pretty sure you were burping the alphabet not too long ago.”
A smile creeps up his face. “Still can. Want me to demonstrate?”
Holding my hand up, I back up a step. “Let’s not and say we did.”
Kade and Adrienne join us as Breck ignores my request. Somewhere around the letter F, the urge to throw up almost takes over. God, that’s so disgusting. It’s making my stomach hurt just from listening to it.
“Always the classy one,” Adrienne says with a light laugh. She turns her bright smile to me. “Congrats on the gig. You must be excited to hit the road with these guys.”
“It’ll be like old times,” I say. “Well, almost.” My gaze wanders over to Myles again, still sucking face with the redhead. Man, he does like his variety.
Adrienne follows my gaze and frowns. “Yeah, I can see how the almost would get to you.” She shakes her head and changes the subject. “Did you bring any good books with you for the road? I’ve done this trip a couple of times and it can get boring.”
Digging through my bag, I wave my Kindle in the air. “Freshly downloaded with at least fifty. That should keep me busy for a while.”
Kade shakes his head. “You think you’ll go through that many books in two months?”
I shrug. “I’m optimistic.”
“Well I’ve got news for you. This won’t be easy. You’ll actually be working, too. Did you get all the contracts signed?”
Always looking out for me. “Yes, big brother. Signed and initialed. Even gave the label the list of songs I was planning on singing to make sure we cleared all the necessary rights. Most of the songs were theirs, so it wasn’t a huge complication.”
Adrienne rubs her belly, drawing my gaze to it. “Do you write your own songs?”
“No, song writing was never my forte. That was Myles’ department.”
“At least he’s good at something,” she says.
Oh, he’s good at more than just song writing. But those thoughts don’t belong here, not anymore. We’re co-workers now, dealing with each other solely in a business-type relationship. I’ll lie to myself and say it’s enough, that if he can’t be mine, I’ll take him any way I can get him.
Don comes over and claps his hands once. “Okay, kids. Time to kiss and say goodbye. We’re on a deadline and need to be in Texas by tomorrow.”
Kade grabs Adrienne by the back of her neck and kisses her to the point where I can feel my own face get
ting warm. Geez, if they get any hotter, people would be blaming them for global warming. I’ll have to ask Quinn how to stem my gag reflex around them. Maybe it’s the same way guys try to hide their boners?
Ponies. Grandma’s pies. Baseball. Mr. Lenox teaching naked during high school chemistry.
Hmm, seems to work on more than just my gag reflex. Also stopped the bile from rising in my throat after watching Myles with his bimbo.
Thankfully I’m on a separate bus from the guys. I don’t know if it was by their request or if that’s the way it goes, but I’m glad, at least for tonight, that I won’t have to worry about how to act around Myles while we figure out how to be civil to each other. More so for him than me. Shoving me in his face too much may not be the best tactic to restore at least our friendship.
The other workers are super nice to me as we take off down the road. Not very talkative, but I’m okay with that. I do have my books and my phone, so it’s enough to keep me occupied for a while.
After the first two hundred miles, my ass starts to get sore so I decide to wander around the bus. Maybe bus is too mundane to describe this thing. Hotel suite on wheels is more like it. It’s unreal. Wood floors, two huge flat-screen TVs, a kitchen, completely stocked with everything you could possibly need, and several bedrooms, most outfitted with bunk beds. Since I’m the newbie, I got the bottom bunk in one of the rooms. It’s fine though. There’s more room than I ever would have thought there’d be. And it’s not like I’ll be spending a lot of time here anyway. Just a place to sleep when we’re not at a hotel.
I never understood why bands would need hotels when they have tour buses. After seeing how tiny the sleeping quarters are and how many people they travel with, I get it. For a couple nights a week, it’d be nice to spread out and sleep in a real bed.
Well, I may as well get comfortable. Tomorrow’s a big day and I need to make sure I give it my best, which means getting as much sleep as I can possibly get. Shoving my headphones into my ears, I turn on my classical playlist and shut my eyes, blocking out any and all thoughts, especially of who is traveling on the bus in front of us.
The duvet quietly flutters around me, my back hitting the pillow soft mattress. When Kade told me hotel rooms, I was thinking something like the Holiday Inn or the Radisson, not a freaking Hyatt. And this room is all mine. I don’t have to share it with one of the roadies or some other random female traveling with us. Not that there is one, at least not that I’ve seen. It’s basically a sausage-fest on the road. Any normal woman would be in heaven being surrounded by so many hot guys. Not me. They leave me alone for the most part. They don’t even look in my direction until I ask a question. I’d find it odd, but that would involve dedicating more brain cells into it than I need to.
Kicking my shoes off, I revel in the quiet. My muscles ache, my throat is scratchy, and yet I can’t seem to wipe the smile off my face. Tonight I stood in front of a crowd of twenty-five thousand people and sang my songs. Well, covers to songs. At first I wasn’t sure if anyone was paying attention. You can’t really see anything outside of the first few rows. Then people started singing along, their cheers fueling my drive to perform like I’ve never performed before. Which, technically, I haven’t. For my first time on stage, I think it went well.
After my set, Don hugged me so tight I could barely breathe.
“You were amazing,” he yelled in my ear. The crowd was still cheering, although I’m sure it was more for the guys to go on than for me. “We’ve never had this kind of response from an opening act. I’ve got a good feeling about these next few months.”
Lights still flash behind my lids as I relax into the mattress. I’ve heard Melissa during the two concerts I attended before Kade found me. And she was great. But Don was right. They didn’t cheer for her like they did for me tonight.
I’m on a high no one can take me down from. Equal parts exhaustion and adrenaline course through my veins. Like someone is playing red light/green light with my blood, rushing then stopping, turning me hot then cold. I’m too excited to sleep, but don’t want to do anything else.
Pulling myself up, I wander to the Jacuzzi in the corner of the room. Warm water runs through my fingers as the heavy scent of vanilla floats in the air from the soap mixing with the water. I strip down and step inside, letting my body melt from the soothing heat. This. Is. Heaven.
All the tension leaves as I float among the bubbles, my mind a blank slate. For the first time in years, I’m relaxed. If I had known this was all it took, I would have booked a hotel room for myself months ago.
The water turns tepid, my toes pruned and white, but I don’t want to leave. “Arabeske in C Major Op. 18” by Franz Schubert plays in the background, my favorite piece. Nothing could make this night better.
A knock at the door breaks my spell. Water sloshes out of the tub as I grab a towel and wrap it around my body. Peering out the peephole, I’m almost knocked on my ass. My heart kicks up a notch and I blow out a quick breath before unlatching the door and holding it open just enough to show my face.
“Yes?”
Myles stands there, digging his toe into the carpet with his hands shoved into his pockets. I’m sure he doesn’t intend to look sexy, but his stance coupled with his unshaven face makes my blood run hotter and my ovaries work overtime. He’s wearing his old high school football shirt, well-worn and practically threadbare. A twinge of nostalgia pins my chest as I remember many nights slipping that shirt on after we made love in his garage apartment. Does he remember those little things or were they just some romantic ideal I made up?
“Can I come in?” he asks, his voice low and gruff. If I wasn’t already wet, his voice would have done the job. I’ve missed that voice.
I quickly look down at myself before meeting his gaze. “Um, now’s not a good time.”
The pupils of his eyes dilate; his normally light brown eyes turn almost black. “Why? You got company?”
I scoff and pull the towel tighter around my chest. “That’s none of your business.”
“Why won’t you open the door, then?”
“Because it’s my room and I don’t want to.”
Myles practically pushes his way through the door, the towel almost falling off in the process. When he gets to the edge of the bed, he examines it before turning to face me. Heat spreads up my body, starting between my legs as he takes in my state of undress.
I keep some distance between us, crossing my arms in front of my chest. “What do you want, Myles?”
He glances around the room, shoving his hands into his front pockets again. The muscles in his chest flex, along with his biceps, making the tattoos on his arms dance. Damn, that view is better than anything outside the window. When he runs a hand through his thick brown hair, I nearly buckle onto the couch behind me. I was always a sucker for his hair, constantly running my hands through it as much as possible. Nothing’s changed. My fingers itch to remember what it feels like to get lost in the strands.
Not going to happen.
Myles looks at me and gives a crooked smile. “Caught you at a bad time?”
It takes me a second to realize I’m standing here in a towel. Making sure it doesn’t fall down, I huff. “Something like that.” I walk over and turn off the music, sending us into silence. The only sounds are our breaths and the beating of my heart in my ears. Butterflies kick up in my stomach again as we stare at each other.
His demeanor changes again. “Expecting someone? Or do you always answer the door naked?”
Anger flares, replacing whatever warm, fuzzy feelings I had. “And if I was?”
Myles takes a step forward, his jaw twitching in irritation. “Wouldn’t be a good idea.”
“What?” Is he serious?
Another step forward. “You heard me.”
“You’re not my babysitter. If I wanted to bring a guy back to my hotel room, it’s none of your business. Perhaps I’ll take a page out of your book and screw anyone who looks at me. I mean, if i
t works for you, it should work for me.”
A low growl sounds from the back of his throat. Knowing him, he’s grinding his teeth until his jaw aches. It’s his tell.
“You do whatever the fuck you want, but don’t do it in front of me.”
“Are you for real? First off, I’ve never done anything in front of you, including what you’re insinuating. Even if a guy was interested in me, I sure as shit wouldn’t parade him in front of you, unlike what you’ve done to me.” He blanches, but I continue. “Secondly, you’ve made it very clear that we’re not together, so whether or not I take a guy back to my hotel room or answer the door naked is none of your concern.”
In one swift motion, Myles is in front of me, pushing me back to the wall. The heat coming from his body warms my skin, yet goosebumps cover me as a chill runs down my spine. Each breath pulled is labored, drawing in his cologne. It’s the same one he’s worn for years, the first one I’d ever bought him. He told me he’d never wear anything else. After all this time, he’s kept his word.
Myles leans down, boxing me in with his arms. It takes every ounce of my being not to drop the towel and jump him as he brushes his nose against my neck.
“You’re right. We’re not together.” Another brush against my skin and my stomach drops. “But maybe we can forget that for a while. Maybe we can pretend we don’t know each other and I can show you my new tricks.”
My eyes flutter closed as he trails his lips along my exposed collarbone, nipping the skin lightly. This is what my body has missed, what it craves late at night when I’m at my lowest point. No memory can duplicate what he easily draws from me, the way I react to every move he makes.
Reading my body, he moves his leg between mine. The denim of his jeans hits my bare pussy and I withhold the urge to sink onto his hard, muscular thigh. Myles leans onto his forearms, bringing us closer, into the danger zone. Between the adrenaline of the night and the pheromones he’s giving off, I don’t know what to do. The logical part of my brain is telling me to stop, to keep this plutonic and business-like. The irrational, horny side is saying that I haven’t had sex in nine years and now the man who makes my world spin on its axis is in front of me, practically offering himself with his body language.