by Sarah Belle
“It certainly gave me the creeps. I had to have a shower to wash off the bad energy. My skin has been crawling all day,” I say.
“How do you feel though? Are you glad you went?”
Lily’s question rolls around my mind for a bit. “Yes, I am, and so glad that she was living in her dream world today. But I’m not in a hurry to go back. Seeing the other end of the spectrum would frighten me.”
Lily rubs my arm as we stroll to the school. “I’m glad, Jules.”
Chapter 24
It is now October and I am still pregnant. Still here and still pregnant. After the initial shock subsided, which took about two months, I learned to live with the pregnancy and the thought that soon there is going to be another baby in the house. Although, I do still freak out every now and then. A few times a day. Every hour or so…
The possibility of returning to my modern life seems as far away as the moon. It’s been six months and still no sign, which is something that no longer upsets me. This is my home now. My cooking skills are on par with every other woman in the street, and dinner no longer comes with a stomach pump or free pass to hospital.
My marriage to Chris is stronger than ever. We don’t have any luxuries, but we make do with everything we have. Each night when he walks through the door my heart races like an excited teenager at the prospect of seeing him again, of feeling his arms around me, his lips on mine. And our sex life is unbelievable.
Will sat his exams for academic scholarships, but we won’t know anything until November or maybe December. His arm has healed well and he is able to pick his little brothers up and wrestle with them again, which makes them both very happy. Ethan idolises Will, even though he’d never admit it.
Lily has continued to be a constant source of strength for me. We do almost everything together during the day when she’s not working. We babysit for each other, and spend our Saturday mornings together with the kids, where we either bake a cake, take them to the Botanical Gardens, the museum, the art gallery or just to a local park. I’ve seen more of Melbourne in the last few months than I did in the 33 years of my modern life.
We have puppet shows and picnics in our backyards as well as games of charades, Monopoly and dominos. I haven’t had this much free fun since… ever. It’s a second childhood. We walk to and from school, church and the shops together. She is always there to take care of me and helps me out in millions of ways so that I don’t tire myself out too much. We really are the Tremendous Twosome.
And as for my modern life? I am so happy here that the thought of returning makes me uncomfortable. Maybe this really is written in the stars.
It’s late Monday morning. Gran and Aunty Maeve are helping me to clean out the formal dining room in anticipation of the baby’s arrival in six weeks. We rarely entertain, and putting Cal and the new baby in the same room would have meant interrupting Cal’s sleep each night, which is no good for anyone. We are packing up all the good silver and crystal and relocating it to Gran’s garage.
“Gran, I just need to pop over to Lily’s to borrow some Silvo, I’ll be back in a mo.”
I waddle over to Lily’s and knock on her door. The weather is warmer now that it’s mid-spring and her door is open.
“Lily? Are you home?”
There’s no answer. So I open the screen door and go in. She must be out the back, but that’s unusual because she always locks the front door if she is in the backyard. Walking through the silent house, the quiet is unnerving.
“Lily? It’s me. Are you here? I need some Silvo, do you have any?”
Still no answer. This is really strange. Walking through the kitchen and lounge and out to the backyard, a shiver runs down my spine. Perhaps she had to go out somewhere in a hurry? But she would still close her door and if something were wrong she’d come get me. So where is she?
“Lily? Lily where are you? Are you alright?” My worry turns into mild panic, the same feeling you get when you lose a kid in a crowd… or a hospital.
Rosie’s bedroom is a possibility, because Lily was making new curtains and had hoped to have them finished today. I open the door and immediately sense that something is out of place. One end of the curtain rail has collapsed and is resting on the ground. Making my way around the bed to pick it up I trip over something on the ground. It’s Lily’s foot. She’s collapsed and is laying face-down on the carpet. My heart stops and then starts thudding again, loud, hard.
The initial paralysis passes as I kneel down, take her slim shoulders in my hands and shake her gently. She is unconscious, out cold. Maybe she fell and hit her head as she was hanging the curtains? But my gut tells me otherwise.
“Lily, Lily, it’s Jules, open your eyes.”
Nothing.
I roll her over and place her head on my knee, revealing her beautiful face, usually sun kissed with rosy cheeks and pink lips. But she doesn’t look like that today. My heart rate speeds up and it’s hard to catch a breath. My whole body starts to dampen with sweat. Fear is taking over.
“Lily? Lily, wake up.”
Her skin is not warm like it should be; her lips are stained with blue. I can’t think of what to do.
“Lily, Lily, please wake up.”
My fingers shoot to her neck, to feel for a pulse, but there’s nothing, not even a faint beat. Picking up her hand to try her wrist pulse, I notice that her fingernails are blue and her hand is completely limp. There’s no pulse. Nothing.
Someone is screaming and yelling and I realise it’s me when Gran comes running into the room.
“Jules, what’s happening, what’s wrong?”
“It’s Lily, she’s…she’s…”
“OK, let me have a look at her,” she says as she moves me aside.
My brain is incapable of sending messages and my body is unable to receive them.
“Jules, love, you’ve got let me see her.” She eases Lily out of my hands and feels for a pulse.
“There’s no pulse Gran, no pulse.” My crying has escalated to sobbing.
Gran runs out of the house and yells for Aunty Maeve, who comes rushing in, Cal in her arms.
“Go to my house and call an ambulance, Maeve. Tell them she has no pulse. Take Cal with you,” Gran directs. Aunty Maeve moves like lightning.
Gran takes Lily away from me again and checks her pulse; she tips Lily’s head back and opens her mouth to commence CPR. Why didn’t I think of that? I could have been helping Lily. All this time I could have been breathing for her, but my panic has overwhelmed me to the point of uselessness.
Gran works hard on Lily but nothing happens; she doesn’t cough and come back to life like in the television shows. She doesn’t sit up and ask what all the fuss is about. She just lies there, her body all loose like a rag doll, lolling about in response to Gran’s compressions.
The room is still, quiet. I can hear the birds singing outside the window. I can hear distant traffic. I can hear Gran forcing air into Lily’s lungs. She is sweating with effort, but doesn’t give up or weaken. If anything she tries harder as she compresses Lily’s chest, but still nothing happens.
Soon the room is full of ambulance officers and the doctor from up the street. They take over from Gran and work hard on Lily for what seems like an eternity, until the doctor ceases CPR and says, “Gentlemen, we were too late. I’m afraid she’s gone.”
What? Wait a minute; did he just say she’s gone? No, that’s not right. This is Lily! Lily, my best friend, full of life and smiles and love and warmth, she can’t be gone.
“No! Noooooooo! Lily! Lily, come back! Please keep working on her, don’t stop, please!”
I turn to the doctor and ambulance officers, desperately. “Keep working, she’ll come back. Don’t stop, please, don’t stop. She’ll come back! She wants to be here. She doesn’t want to go. Keep going, please.” I am pleading with them the way a child pleads with an adult. “Gran, make them keep going, please!”
Gran has tears in her eyes as she shakes her head slowly
, “Darling, there’s nothing that can be done. I’m so sorry, love.”
No! This cannot be happening. I just came over to get some Silvo. She’s supposed to be sitting at her sewing machine, smiling at me. This isn’t possible. She’s so young, too young to…be…gone.
“I’ll do it myself then, if no one will help me. I’ll bring her back myself.” Dropping to my knees and recommencing CPR, I truly believe that if we keep going, she’ll come back. But she’s still cold and grey and not responding. Her body only moves because I am trying to force the air into her lungs. I work harder, but still nothing.
“Help me, please, help me!” I plead to the doctor. “She doesn’t want this, she wants to be here, please bring her back! Please.”
The doctor grabs me with both hands and attempts to lift me away from her but I am too determined and resist his attempts. Eventually he kneels down next to me and takes my hands off Lily’s chest. He then gathers me up and helps me to my feet, trying to calm me from my hysteria. “Juliette, calm down. Calm down love,” he says as he shakes me gently. I can’t stop looking at Lily. He turns my face to look at his. “Juliette, calm down. Please. Lily’s gone, love. There’s nothing we can do for her. She was already gone when we got here.”
I fall on my knees next to Lily, sobbing, heaving, great sighs of grief rolling out of me. The tears are now cascading over my cheeks and hitting my large belly. I pick her head up and cradle it in my arms, swaying to and fro, crying, sobbing. Everyone in the room is still as they watch me hold my best friend in my arms, tears streaming down my face and landing on hers. I am not capable of anything else right now.
Eventually the doctor asks me to let go so that they can take her away. But I can’t let that happen. She needs me to be with her, to look after her. I just can’t let her go, I just can’t.
Gran comes over and kneels besides me. Her warmth spreads though my body, bringing me back to some level of life.
“Juliette, sweetheart. It’s time to let go now.”
“No! No! I can’t Gran. They’re going to take her to the morgue, and it’s so cold there. What if they don’t treat her right? What if she wakes up and is scared?” My voice is now a delicate whisper, worn out from all the hysterics.
Gently, Gran takes my hand away and holds it in hers. She eases Lily’s head out of my grasp and lowers it lovingly to the ground. She sweeps the hair away from Lily’s face and kisses her on the forehead as she whispers something. My hands are now empty and shaking, as if Lily was the only thing keeping me from unraveling completely. Hysteria takes over again as Gran picks me up in her big, strong grasp and holds me tightly against her, swaying from side to side like I do with Ethan when he is upset.
The ambulance officers bring in the gurney for Lily.
Gran holds me with her outstretched arms, and touches my face, saying “Juliette, my darling, it is time to let these good people look after Lily, and they will look after her, I promise. She’s in God’s care now, my beautiful girl.”
“But I don’t want her in God’s care. I want her in my care. She doesn’t belong with God, she belongs with me and Rosie and John. Oh my God, Gran! Rosie and John! We have to go and get them.”
“You let me look after all of that Juliette, OK? We still have a few hours until we need to pick them up, let’s sit down and take some time first, alright? I need to ring Lily’s parents, Archie and Maggie.”
I nod feebly as Gran guides me out of the room and over to her house. She has to literally hold me up because my legs are so weak they feel like they don’t belong to me. Gran steers me in the direction of her house. There’s a crowd of stunned, teary faces gathered outside. Aunty Maeve rushes over to help Gran walk me inside. Cal is happy in Anne’s arms.
“Oh me darlin’ girl, oh, I’m so sorry me darlin’” Aunty Maeve says as she strokes my hair and squeezes my hand. There are tears in her eyes and shock on her face. “Uncle Din’s gone to fetch Chris and Anne has Cal. Don’t you worry ’bout a thing, me love.”
Together they steer me inside and sit me in a chair. Silent tears stream down my face, my throat is raw from all my screaming and the vision of Lily’s body is burnt into my mind. Even with closed eyes, she’s all I see. Aunty Maeve gives me a glass but my hands are trembling so hard that it spills over me, so she tips it up to my lips for me to take a sip.
“A little brandy for ye, love, it will help with the shock. It won’t hurt the baby and it’s better for you to be calm.”
Gran comes back in the kitchen some time later.
Aunty Maeve asks her, “Do they have any idea what happened?”
“Doctor suspects a bleed to the brain.”
“No! Not in someone so young, surely not?”
“He says it’s classic symptoms, but we’ll have to wait for the official cause. I know her bastard husband bashed her regularly, causing head injuries, including a fractured skull. The doc thinks that’s the likely cause.”
Their voices are a million miles away. Quietly, I find my inner voice and close my eyes as I talk to Lily, wherever she is.
“Why did you have to go? I don’t understand. I just want you back. Please come back.” But there’s nothing. No lightning bolts or thunder crashes, just silence. “If you come back I’ll…I’ll forget about all of my work, I’ll stay here for you. Please come home.” But there is still nothing.
I silently talk to the universe. “If you send her back I’ll be better, I promise. I’ll do anything you want, just please send her back to me, to John and Rosie. Please? She’s needed here. You’ve made your point, I get it now. I was a crap person, a crap mother and a crap wife, I get it. Please send her back.”
But there is nothing. She doesn’t reappear. She’s gone, forever and always.
Chapter 25
Lily’s funeral will be my first visit to church without her. It’s a beautiful late-spring day; the sky is blue, the birds are singing and the sun’s warmth is creating new life in the gardens after the winter rains. The walk to the church is filled with the aromas of blooming wattles, jasmine and lavender. A light breeze floats through my cotton dress, as if Lily is lifting me for the journey ahead, while Chris walks beside me, my hand nestled inside his.
Once we are seated in the church, my gaze is directed firmly at the casket, willing Lily to rise up like a phoenix. There is an enormous spray of lilies on the casket along with two small roses on behalf of Rosie and John, who sit with Maggie and Archie, next to Gran and myself. Chris sits beside me, holding onto my hand as though if he lets go I will float away. The church is filled with people from our street, including the shopkeepers and the school community. There isn’t enough room for even one more person to squeeze in.
Rosie and John cling tightly to Maggie, who clings tightly to them as well. Archie completes the family huddle and tries to look strong, but he is bowing under the pressure to be stoic, and the grief of losing his only child. I know what the children are thinking and what they are feeling because it’s exactly what I felt at my Dad’s funeral. Nothing will ease their pain or make things seem better; no lollipops, playgrounds, cute little puppies, nothing will change what they feel. The world is a different place for them now.
Gran hovers protectively over Maggie and Archie; having lost sons in the war she knows their pain. Parents should never have to bury their children, no matter their age. It must be a pain too great to bear.
The service is relatively short. To my surprise Aunty Maeve does a reading for Lily. She stands up in front of the congregation and quietly clears her throat. Then she begins her reading in her melodious Irish brogue. There isn’t a dry eye in the place; even the men have tears welling in their eyes.
After the service Aunty Maeve looks after Cal while Will spends his time comforting Ethan as well as helping out with Rosie and John. Chris has either held my hand the entire time or hovered around me like a bodyguard. The warmth of his body is a constant reminder of his love for me.
Chris’s family are here, thankfully wit
hout Doug. I just couldn’t have coped with him today; I don’t think anyone could have coped with him. One word from him and he finally would have received the thrashing he so richly deserves. It crosses my mind that it should be him in that coffin, not Lily. Uncharitable, but honest.
Sylvia comes up to me and envelops me in her arms and we hug for a long time. As we part she gently wipes the tears away from my eyes and says, “Only time will lessen the pain, Juliette. We are all here for you. Whatever you need, don’t be too proud to ask.”
“Thanks Sylvia. Where’s Doug?”
“He’s in hospital, again.”
“Hospital? Is he OK?” Not that I care about him, but Sylvia is a different matter.
“Nothing he hasn’t done to himself, Juliette. But let’s not talk of him today. Today is for your beautiful Lily.”
“Thank you,” I whisper.
The wake is simple and held at Gran’s house. Archie, Maggie, Rosie and John don’t stay long. They come to say goodbye to me. I know that this will be tough and steel myself to be strong. Rosie and John melt into my arms and for the briefest second, I can smell Lily.
“Your Mummy loved you more than anything in the whole world. You made her smile every moment of every day. Don’t ever forget that, OK?”
“Why did she have to go away then, Aunty Jules?” asks Rosie.
For a moment, my voice is gone, replaced by a lump in my throat the size of a football. The energy used to stem the flow of tears is enormous, but they need to hear something. Lily needs me to answer them. If the roles were reversed, she would be the fairy godmother to all of my children.
“Perhaps God needed another angel, John. But she will always be with you, in your heart.”
My own heart feels like it has been attacked with a blunt knife. Having to watch John and Rosie live through this is harder than living through it myself. Knowing that there’s nothing I can do fills me with anger and frustration. My arms gather them into me, holding them tightly, as if I could absorb their pain and make it my own. I’d give anything to be able to do that for them.