Finally, score yourself from 0 percent to 100 percent, with 100 percent signifying that you have fully achieved your goal. After the first week, you might only be at 10 percent, but by continually engaging in body-positive behaviors, you will gradually move up to 60 percent and 80 percent, which means you are getting closer to accepting your body and taking care of yourself. Sticking with the example above, your Activity log might look something like this:
GOAL: I want to eat healthfully and feel good about my body.
Body-Positive Behaviors
1. I woke up early and walked for forty-five minutes while listening to my favorite CD.
2. When I overate at lunch, instead of bingeing all day, I got back on track at the next meal.
3. I went out dancing with my coworkers after work, and I really enjoyed myself.
4. I taught my significant other how to touch my body in a more nurturing way.
Negative Behaviors and Action Strategies
1. I found myself criticizing my body while getting dressed for work. Next time I should visualize a stop sign, tell myself to stop, and replace the negative thoughts with positive affirmations such as, “My arms look great in this dress, and I’m glad that I’ve been strength training two times a week.”
2. I got upset with my boss and turned to a bag of chips to calm myself down. Next time I can go for a walk in the parking lot instead of hitting the vending machine.
Score: 80 percent. Overall, this was a great day. I ate healthfully most of the time, participated in positive and motivating activities, and connected with my partner better. However, I did rely on food to get me through a stressful work situation, and I did catch myself putting my body down once, so I couldn’t give myself top marks.
Now, it’s your turn. Give it a shot using the Activity Log below.
GOAL:______________________________________________________
Body-Positive Behaviors
Negative Behaviors and Action Strategies
Score:_______________%
This exercise was a big help for one of my clients when he was tempted to go off track. In his Activity Log, twenty-eight-year-old Michael Miller described waking up depressed and unmotivated one Saturday morning. He wanted to sleep in, drink some beer, order pizza, and watch sports all day. However, because he had been working on his Activity log the night before, he remembered action strategies that would bring him closer to his goals and make him feel better. So he got up, went to the YMCA, and worked out with weights and joined a pickup basketball game. Although he was tired afterward, he felt reenergized. He stopped and got some healthy Chinese food and visited his father to watch some football with him.
Every night before you go to bed, close your eyes and picture yourself engaging in body-positive behaviors the next day. For example, see yourself at the conference you’ll be attending and then picture yourself swimming in the hotel pool before dinner. Setting this imaginary intention can help you to stick with your plan if someone or something interferes with your goals—for example, a favorite colleague wants to meet you for a drink during this time. Not only would you have to miss your planned swim, but you know that drinking before dinner often triggers overeating the rest of the night. Imagine yourself warmly and confidently telling your colleague that you can’t have a drink but that you do want to sit next to her at dinner to catch up. Then see yourself swimming in the pool and engaging in a delightful conversation with your colleague at dinner.
BARRIER: A LACK OF EMPATHY FOR YOUR BODY
No one is immune to the bony-is-beautiful message that we’re bombarded with day in and day out. Even if your parents worked hard to instill in you a strong sense of self-worth while you were growing up or you consider yourself a pretty well-adjusted adult, you can’t help but be affected by the near-skeletal models and sculpted celebs who are on the covers of fashion magazines, billboards, TV programs, and commercials. It doesn’t matter if you’re actively taking in these messages or just passively absorbing them—either way, they can be downright toxic.
That’s because it’s human nature to compare yourself to the ideal, regardless of how unrealistic it might be. According to the widely accepted psychological premise called the social comparison theory, individuals appraise others to make judgments about themselves. You may find yourself comparing yourself to others of the same age, height, and so on in order to evaluate how you feel about yourself and your own body. Almost everyone is likely to have a discrepancy between their actual appearance and the ideal appearance to some extent, but when you’re comparing yourself to today’s dangerously thin ideals of beauty, that gap only widens, particularly for those who are overweight or obese.
The fact is that most of us will never get down to a size 4—let alone the model-thin sizes of 0 or the more absurd 00, the size below size 0—no matter how much we work out or how healthfully we eat. Very few people are genetically wired to maintain that weight or size, and many models who do reach this size rely on dangerous diet or exercise tactics, or even drugs, to get and stay there. Yet we still hold ourselves up to these ideals and feel disappointed when we fail to reach them. You might feel as though something is wrong with you or that you don’t measure up, and are ashamed and self-conscious about your shape and weight. Perhaps you become angry with your body for “falling short,” and engage in those aforementioned risky dieting and exercise regimes. Instead of appreciating everything your body has been through and continues to do for you, you hate it, put it down, ignore its signals and cues, and become increasingly disconnected from it. If this sounds familiar, then you’ll have to work on changing your perspective, because you’ll never be successful with weight loss until you can move from anger and shame (a state of disconnection) to empathy (a state of connection).
Staring at überskinny starlets is only part of the problem. This thin-is-in thinking permeates our society, so the further you are from the ideal, the less accepted you may feel or actually be. Whether you’ve been overweight since childhood or your struggles with weight began during adulthood, you’ve probably experienced fat prejudice. You may have been teased, harassed, or bullied as a child because of your weight. You may have been put down by your parents or other authority figures, or experienced size discrimination as an adult. Over time, it’s natural to internalize weight bias and buy into weight-based stereotypes—for instance, that obese people are lazier than thin people— which increases your vulnerability to depression, anxiety, poor body image, and lower self-esteem. Regardless of your weight or shape, you deserve to be treated with respect.
Challenging negative self-talk and developing empathy toward your body is an important step toward a healthy body image. In the following exercise, you’ll pick a body part that you typically dislike or criticize (such as your hips, butt, or thighs) and imagine that you’re that part. In essence, you’ll be forced to defend yourself as the “problem” part. This will help you understand how negative words and actions affect your body. To begin, name the body part you dislike most, then write down the answers to the questions below from the perspective of that body part.
1. What is the body part you are most dissatisfied with?
2. How do you treat this part?
3. What does this part need from you now?
Mary Lopez, a thirty-six-year-old working woman who hated her belly, did this exercise. She wrote, “My stomach told me to stop putting it down, squeezing it into clothes that are too tight, and eating out of control at night. My belly said, ‘I am getting tired of you criticizing me and putting me down. You barely eat until dinner, when you stuff me with too much food and diet soda. I feel sick and neglected. I want you to stop bingeing at night, drink water, and become more active.’”
Most people with body image issues have several parts they dislike; practice this exercise with all of those parts. You may be surprised by how much your body has to say. And you may also be disappointed in yourself at how you treat your body, particularly the parts you don’t like. Hopeful
ly, this exercise will help you realize that it’s time to start listening to your body and responding to it in a loving, kind way.
BARRIER: AN UNREALISTIC WEIGHT GOAL
Although many body factors can contribute to a negative body image (scars, freckles, and cellulite, to name just a few), weight is certainly one of the most common triggers—if not the most common. For those with weight-related concerns, the key to developing a positive body image as you work on slimming down is to set a realistic weight goal. Instead of taking into account genetic predisposition, body shape, and bone structure to determine an appropriate weight loss goal (as well as a realistic time frame to meet this goal), many people aim to get back down to the weight they were in their twenties or the number they were before they married or had kids. But this number may not be possible or even healthy for many people. The bottom line: If you aim for a weight that you have little chance of ever achieving, you’ll most likely end up with feelings of failure and disappointment, which will result in an even poorer body image. Researchers have found that people who begin weight loss with unrealistically high expectations as well as those with an accepting attitude (“I’ll be happy with minimal weight loss”) lose the least amount of weight. The people who achieved the greatest loss were those who had moderate expectations.
Smaller, attainable goals can help you stay motivated as you try to lose weight. For instance, many successful individuals begin with a goal of shedding 5 percent to 10 percent of their weight: So, if you weigh 180 pounds, a reachable target would be to lose 18 pounds. After they lose that weight, they go into a maintenance phase for a period of time and then strive to lose an additional 5 percent to 10 percent of their body weight. You can continue this process until you reach your end goal or your BMI falls into the normal category. (See appendix 2 for more on BMI.)
In addition to setting a goal that you can reach, you also have to allow yourself a reasonable amount of time to get there. Weight loss experts agree that for most people, a loss of 1 to 2 pounds a week is healthiest. That means, if you need to lose 18 pounds, prepare to embark on at least a three-month program. Losing weight slowly means that you have time to develop healthy new behaviors, such as eating more nutritiously and exercising more. Remember, diets don’t work; changing behaviors does! Set short-term goals so that you stay motivated. And don’t forget to reward yourself when you hit them. For example, circle the date on your calendar every day that you eat healthfully and exercise. Once you have ten circles, treat yourself to a new belt, manicure, massage, or the like.
Finally, no matter what goal weight you choose, you have to be willing to make reaching it a priority. I have found that most people will need at least an hour and a half a day to work on their weight loss goal: allotting time to exercise (including travel to and from the gym), to meditate and relax, and to eat healthfully (cutting vegetables, grocery shopping, and so on).
The exercise below allows you to examine how you use your time and can help you free up some of your day for exercise or healthy eating. It identifies the demands on your time and the percentage of each day you spend on various activities. The pie chart on the left represents a typical day for a working man or woman. It shows eight hours devoted to work; eight hours for sleep; four hours for carpooling, television, helping kids with homework, and hanging out; two hours for taking care of the house, laundry, and other chores; one hour to be with your significant other; and one hour for personal time, such as reading, checking email, or talking to friends. The second pie chart revises the time allocation to reflect weight loss goals as a priority.
Now it’s your turn. Use the “before” pie chart above to clarify the current demands on your time, then use the “after” pie chart to redistribute your time so that you make weight loss a priority. Ask yourself how you can put aside about an hour and a half each day to allow enough time to meet your weight loss goals. Your body image and overall health are invaluable, so you should be willing to invest the necessary time and money into improving both, no matter how long that takes.
BARRIER: AN AVERSION TO SOCIAL SITUATIONS
The process of losing weight is difficult, but the challenges of staying overweight are often even tougher. Aside from the obvious health consequences involved with carrying around too much weight (an increased risk for heart disease, stroke, diabetes, some cancers, depression, and more), you also must deal with the social effects: being stared at or teased, feeling isolated from others, having to miss out on experiences because you’re not in good enough shape, and dealing with shame.
Shame is such a powerful emotion, one that arises when we’re disappointed about who we are, how we look, or our basic nature. Regret or guilt, on the other hand, is a feeling that results from a certain action or mistake we may have made. Shame related to our body or self can affect every area of our lives, from how we eat to how we interact with the world. For instance, many people who feel overwhelmed, out of control, and ashamed by their weight, their behavior, or their inability to slim down avoid social situations for fear that they may be “found out” as the flawed person they believe they are. They’re afraid of rejection or derogatory comments from others. They don’t want anyone to see how much weight they’ve gained or how fat they are or even when they eat. So they continue to withdraw. They don’t go to their friend’s baby shower or meet coworkers for dinner. They skip their high school reunion or family vacation. They steer clear of the gym. They isolate themselves because it feels safe.
But this only perpetuates the problem. When you avoid going out with others, you may instead engage in addictive behaviors to numb your feelings of shame and lonliness. The relief gained through overeating is only temporary, and the subsequent feelings of remorse compound the deep feelings of shame within.
The solution is to face your fears head-on by pushing yourself to engage with others socially. You’ll benefit enormously from the fitness instructor’s encouragement at the gym, the camaraderie of walking the neighborhood with friends, and the great time sharing stories with coworkers at an after-work get-together. The simple fact is that we cannot heal when we hide from ourselves or from others.
If these types of interactions sound too difficult to you at first, start by taking baby steps. Join a support group for people who are dealing with the same struggles as you. Overeaters Anonymous (which is what Mary Jo Schneider, profiled in chapter 1, relied on) is a good example. Or you could try an online support system such as the message boards on www.thebestlife.com. These are great because they allow you to interact and socialize in a more comfortable, nonintimidating way. Many of the Best life members have developed strong friendships online and have even gone on to meet up in person to bond and share their experiences and lessons.
BARRIER: A LIMITED VISION OF YOURSELF
After years of being put down—by others and yourself—you simply come to accept these criticisms as truth: You’re too fat to do anything. You’ll never lose weight. No one will ever love you as long as you look like that. Whether these words came from a parent while you were growing up, a spouse, or even yourself, the result is the same: You feel boxed in or controlled by an outdated or distorted image of yourself. The truth is, no one ever changes or improves if she accepts these beliefs. Obtaining a healthy body image requires letting yourself feel vulnerable. But the payoff is huge—a major life transformation can take place.
Take a few minutes once a month to read the questions below and jot down your answers in a notebook or journal. You can use the sample exercise below as a guide before you fill out your own answers in the spaces provided.
SAMPLE
1. What is your current shell (the job, the habits, the expectations that bind you)?
Example: I’m a jolly fat guy who always has a joke to share and will make everyone laugh. I’m also the good guy who never says no and whom everyone likes.
2. Do you need to discard your shell?
Example: Yes.
3. Are you afraid to discard your shell?
If so, why?
Example: Yes. I’m worried that people will see that I’m not so jolly, that they won’t like me when I say no and decide to do more for myself, and that my wife will feel vulnerable and threatened if I lose weight. And I’m afraid that if I lose weight, I’ll end up having affairs like my dad did.
4. What would you lose if you discarded your shell?
Example: The safety of being the “jolly fat guy.”
THE LOBSTER LESSON
Marianne Larson had been a schoolteacher who took early retirement at age sixty so she could help take care of her grandchildren. But she realized early into her retirement that after twenty years of teaching young children, she didn’t want to spend four days a week babysitting. She wanted to do things she never had time to do when she was working fulltime and raising a family, like take classes, paint, and form a book club.
However, she felt selfish for experiencing these feelings, because she knew her daughter was counting on her, and she didn’t want to disappoint her. So Marianne watched her grandchildren, binged on the snacks she fed them, and began to feel depressed as she gained 25 pounds. She sought treatment because she had become increasingly depressed and withdrawn from others.
The Life You Want Page 21