by Nora Roberts
What secrets roamed around in that brain of hers? he wondered. What is it she’s not telling me when she seems to be saying everything that comes to her mind? And why am I obsessed with learning it all? Jordan frowned at her and thought of the changes she had already brought into his life.
A child lived in the house now. There was laughter and noise and excitement. How long had he let things drift? For the three years Alison had been with him? And how long before that?
He had left the running of the household—and the responsibility of his niece—almost exclusively in his mother’s hands. It had been simpler. Simpler, he reflected. His life, on a whole, had been simpler before Kasey had strolled through the front door. He had been content. And, he realized, like Alison, he had been bored. Harry had called it restlessness. There was little difference. No one in the household had been unaffected by her arrival.
His mother. Jordan frowned again and pulled out a cigar. Beatrice had already dropped a few subtle complaints. But then, he had learned to block out his mother’s comments years before. For as long as he could remember, Beatrice had been involved in her committees, her designers, her luncheons. Both he and his brother had been turned over to a variety of nannies and tutors. Jordan had accepted it. Now, however, he wondered if he had been wise to put Alison’s upbringing into her hands. Simpler, he thought again. But simple was often far from right. Apparently the time had come to take another look at things. He studied Kasey again. Quite a number of things.
“You’re very perceptive, Jordan,” Kasey commented and pushed her glasses back up on her nose.
“Do you think so?” he asked. Once he would have agreed. Now he was beginning to wonder how much he had allowed to slip by him.
“You’ve explained your character’s motivation very well here. It’s beautifully done. I envy you.”
“Envy me?” Jordan took a long drag. “Why?”
“Words, Jordan.” She glanced up at him and smiled. “I envy you your words.”
“I’ve noticed you have a supply of your own.”
“Barrels of them,” she agreed. “But I could never make them play like this. Jordan watched her eyes dart about the pages as she continued reading the manuscript.
“You should understand, you get deeper into this section, the interaction between relatives in Indian culture,” she pointed out.
“Families,” Jordan murmured, thinking of his own.
“Yes. In many tribes, relatives administered public rebuke. Offenders were often exiled. That was tantamount to execution, as enemy tribes would more than likely kill an exiled Indian on sight.”
“A father would send a son to his death?”
“Honor, Jordan. These were a people of honor and pride. Don’t forget that.” She folded her legs under her and interlaced her fingers. “Murder was regarded as harmful to the entire tribe. Exile was the standard punishment. Not so different from what we do today. Behavior between relatives was often regulated by a strict code of rules.”
“Kasey?”
“Yes?”
“May I ask you a personal question?”
She lifted her shoulders. She brought up her guard. “As long as I’m not required to answer it.”
He studied the ash on the end of his cigar a moment. “Why did you become an anthropologist?”
She grinned. “Do you consider that a personal question? It’s very simple, really. It was either that or the roller derby.”
He sighed. She was going to take him on another detour. “God knows why, but I’m going to ask. What does the roller derby have to do with anthropology?”
“Did I say it did?” She took off her glasses and swung them idly by the frame. “I don’t think so. I simply gave you my two career choices. I decided against the roller derby because it’s a hazardous profession. All those bodies ramming into each other, and the floors are quite hard. I don’t deal well with pain.”
“And anthropology was a logical alternative.”
“It was mine.” She studied him a moment. “Did you know the creases in your cheek deepen when you smile? It’s terribly attractive.”
“I want you, Kasey.”
The glasses stopped on the upswing. “Yes, Jordan, I know you do.”
“And you want me.”
She felt the thud of desire clearly, as if she were in his arms, his mouth on hers. “Perhaps I do.” She dropped her eyes to his notes again and began to tidy them.
“Kasey.” She brought her eyes back to his. “When?”
She knew what he was asking. She rose then, unable to sit. “It’s not as simple as you make it sound, Jordan.”
“Why?”
Turning, she stared out the window. Because I’m in love with you, she thought. Because you’re going to hurt me. Because I’m terrified I won’t be able to walk away when it’s finished. Once I let you in, there’ll be no turning back. “Jordan,” she said quietly, “I told you I don’t deal well with pain.”
“Do you think I’ll hurt you?”
She heard the surprise in his voice and laid her forehead against the glass. “Oh, God, I know you will.”
When his hands came to her shoulders, he felt her muscles tense. “Kasey.” He brushed his lips over the top of her head. “I have no intention of hurting you.”
The ache was already growing, already spreading. “Intent, Jordan?” Her voice was thickening; he could hear the tears. “No, I don’t think there’d be intent, but that wouldn’t stop it.” His fingers moved up to caress her neck. She could feel her control slipping away. “Jordan, please, don’t.” She started to pull away, but he turned her to face him.
He studied her carefully, brows lowered. Lifting his thumb, he brushed a tear from her lashes. “Why are you crying?”
“Jordan, please.” Kasey shook her head. She knew she was losing. “I can’t bear to make a fool of myself.” Her own emotions were too strong for her, pressuring her. And his eyes were too direct and too demanding. She could feel the ground slipping out from under her. Longing, needs, fears were crashing down on her. The moment was fast approaching when she would have no choice but to give her emotions to him—without restrictions. “Let me go,” she told him, struggling to compose herself. “I’ve given you enough this morning.”
“No.” His grip tightened. “Not enough. Not until you explain to me why you’re falling apart in front of my eyes.”
“Explain to you!” She threw back her head in sudden anger. “I don’t have to explain anything to you. Why should I?”
“I think,” he said slowly, “a more valid question is: Why shouldn’t you?”
She was hurting, and her temper rose to protect her. “How could I have said you were perceptive? How could I have thought that, when you don’t see what’s staring you in the face? I’m in love with you!” Her breath caught on a gasp of shock and dismay. They stared at each other, both rocked by the words.
“I didn’t mean to say that.” Kasey shook her head and tried to push away. “I lost my temper. I didn’t mean to say that. Let me go, Jordan.”
“No.” He shook her once to stop her struggles. His eyes, as they stared into hers, were dark and intense. “Do you think you can tell me that, then walk out of here? No, you didn’t mean to say it,” he said slowly. “But did you mean it?”
There were no tears now. Her desperation had dried them. “If I said no?”
“I wouldn’t believe you.”
“Then it’s academic, isn’t it?” She tried to draw away again, but he held her still.
“Don’t pull that on me now. It won’t work.”
“Jordan.” Kasey’s voice was steady again. “What do you want from me?”
“I’m not sure.” He loosened his grip, abruptly aware that he must be hurting her. “Are you in love with me, Kasey?” She started to back away, but he shook his head. “No. Look at me and tell me.”
She took a long breath. “I love you, Jordan. There’re no strings attached. I know some people are uncomfortable
being loved. I don’t understand it.”
“As simple as that?” he murmured.
“As simple as that,” she agreed and smiled. The weight of holding back was gone. “Don’t frown, Jordan,” she told him. “Being loved is easy. It’s the loving that’s difficult.”
“Kasey.” He hesitated. She had moved him, unsettled him, until he was no longer certain what he was feeling. “I don’t know what to say to you.”
“Then it’s best not to say anything.” This isn’t easy on either of us, she thought and tried to smooth the path a bit. “Jordan, I’d like to explain myself to you. I’d do it better if you weren’t touching me.” After a moment he released her and she stepped back. The absence of contact helped steady her nerves. “I told you I loved you. That might have been a mistake, but it’s done. I’d like you to accept it as it’s given.”
Kasey could see he didn’t understand. Emotions, given freely, were always difficult to understand. How could she explain to him something that her heart had accepted over the objection of her mind?
“All of my life,” she continued, “I’ve been taught that to give love, to express love, isn’t so much a choice but an obligation. Please, just take it and don’t ask me any more questions now.”
“I don’t even know what questions to ask.” He wanted to touch her again, to hold her, but the expression in her eyes stopped him. He didn’t want to hurt her, didn’t want her to be right about that, too. “Kasey, don’t you want anything from me?”
“No.” She answered him quickly, as though she had anticipated the question. “I told you there were no strings, Jordan. I meant it. I don’t think we can work together any more today, and I certainly don’t think we can talk rationally about this right now. It’s late, in any case. I told Alison I’d let her beat me at tennis before dinner.” She was already heading for the door.
“Kasey.”
It cost her a great deal to turn back around. “Yes?”
His mind had gone from crowded to blank. He felt like a fool. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, Jordan.”
She managed to get through the door before the pain started.
It was completely dark before Kasey found a moment to be alone. From the window in her room, she could watch the moon rise. It was full, with an orange tint that had her thinking of fields being harvested and haystacks. What was happening in the world out there? she wondered. I’ve been in this house too long, trapped by a love that’s going to lead me nowhere. What have I done to myself? It’s taken me a month to lose something I’ve valued more than anything else in all of my life: my freedom.
Kasey wrapped her arms around herself and turned back into the room. Even when I walk away from here, from him, I won’t be free again. Love binds you—I knew that.
And what’s he feeling now? What will we say to each other tomorrow? Can I continue to be casual, to hand out wisecracks as though nothing’s changed? She laughed a little and shook her head. I have to, she reminded herself. Always finish what you start—isn’t that Kasey’s first rule? I came to do a job, and the job has to be done. I gave him my love without strings, and I have to follow through. Oh, God, she thought and hugged herself tighter. How I hate to hurt. What a coward I am.
Pressing a hand against her temple, she walked into the bath to search out her aspirin. It’ll help the headache, she decided, if nothing else. As she reached for a cup, she heard a sound from Alison’s room. Frowning, Kasey paused to listen.
It was quiet and muffled, but the sound of weeping was unmistakable. Kasey set down the aspirin bottle and went next door. Alison was bundled under the blankets, sobbing into her pillow. Everything but the child fled from Kasey’s mind.
“Alison.” She sat on the edge of the bed and touched the tangled blond hair. “What’s wrong?”
“I had a nightmare.” She threw her arms around Kasey’s neck and clung. “It was horrible. There were spiders everywhere.” She burrowed deeper as Kasey’s arms came around her. “Crawling all over the bed.”
“Spiders.” Kasey squeezed and stroked. “Terrible. Nobody should have to handle them alone. Why didn’t you call me?”
Alison could hear the steady beat of Kasey’s heart under her ear and felt the comfort. “Grandmother says it’s rude to disturb someone when they’re sleeping.”
Kasey controlled a swift, powerful wave of fury and kept her hands gentle. “Not if you have a nightmare. I used to yell like crazy when I had them.”
“Did you really?” Alison lifted her face. “Have nightmares, I mean.”
“The worst. Pop used to say it was the price of a creative imagination. He made me almost proud of them.” She brushed the hair away from Alison’s cheeks. “One more thing,” she added. “You could never disturb me, Alison.”
With a sigh, Alison laid her head back on Kasey’s breast. “They were big spiders. Black ones.”
“They’re gone now. You should try kangaroos. Thinking about kangaroos is much better than thinking about spiders.”
“Kangaroos?” She could hear the sleepy smile in the child’s voice.
“Absolutely. Snuggle down.” When Alison obeyed, Kasey slipped into bed beside her.
“Are you going to stay with me?” Her voice was small and amazed.
“For a little while.” She drew the child against her and felt warm. “About those kangaroos.”
“Kasey.”
“Hmm?” She looked down to find Alison’s solemn brown eyes on her.
“I love you.”
Here it was, Kasey realized. Without condition, without demand. Pure love. Until that moment she hadn’t known just how much she had needed it. “I love you, Alison. Close your eyes.”
Jordan stood in the doorway and looked down on the two sleeping figures. Alison’s head rested in the crook of Kasey’s shoulder. He had lost track of the time as he stood there, captivated by the picture they made. Each was turned into the other as if they had found something they had been looking for.
They both belong to me, he thought, surprised by the warmth that flooded through him. They had both loved him, and he had been blind to it. Now that he knew, what was his next move? Love wasn’t as simple as Kasey had told him. He thought about the way they had looked at him—Alison, stunned and hoping; Kasey, exposed and frightened. Walking over to the bed, he watched them sleep.
Bending over, he moved Alison gently. She stirred once and then was still, deep in a child’s sleep. Carefully he lifted Kasey into his arms. She murmured something, wrapped her arms around his neck and settled into his shoulder. There was something in the trust of the gesture which aroused him more than a planned seduction. He turned to carry her through the connecting doors. Kasey’s eyes opened slowly to stare at him.
“Jordan?” She was disoriented, and her voice was thick with sleep.
“Kasey.” He kissed her brow. How could she go from innocent to striking by merely opening her eyes?
“What are you doing?”
“Trying to decide whether to take you to your room or mine.” He paused at the doorway of her room. “Why were you in Alison’s bed?”
“Spiders.” Kasey remembered and tried to clear her head.
“I beg your pardon?”
“She had a nightmare.” She sighed. Kasey had never been one to wake up on a bounce. “What were you doing in there?”
“I’ve started to look in on her at night. Something I should have been doing long ago.”
With a smile, Kasey touched his cheek. “You’re a nice man, Jordan. I wasn’t certain.” She yawned and rested against his shoulder again. “You can put me down anytime.” With barely any effort at all, she could have been fast asleep again.
“Kasey.” He noticed the pillow and blankets on the lounge chair. “Why don’t you sleep in the bed?”
“Claustrophobia,” she told him drowsily. “Between the canopy and those bed curtains, I feel like I’m in a coffin. I’m going to be cremated.”
“It’s a simp
le matter to change your room.” She snuggled against him and sent a shaft of desire through him.
“No, it doesn’t matter. The lounge is fine, and the staff already think I’m eccentric.”
“I can’t imagine why.” Jordan put her down on the lounge and sat beside her. “You always smell of violets,” he murmured. His mouth sought hers and found it soft and warm and giving. He knew the exact moment when sleep cleared from her brain.
“Jordan.” Kasey was wide awake and throbbing. “You have me at a disadvantage.” She put her hands to his chest and held them firm.
“Yes, I know. I wondered if I ever would.” He took one of her hands and pressed his lips to the palm. “I intend to take advantage of it, Kasey.” He trailed a finger over her shoulder, down her breast. He could feel the nipple strain against the thin material. “Tonight,” he murmured. “Now.”
“Jordan.” The needs were churning, demanding satisfaction. “I told you before, there’s a matter of choice.”
“You also told me, only a few hours ago, that you loved me.” He lowered his mouth to hers again. Good God, he wanted her. No woman had ever made him ache like this. The desire was in his blood, in his bones. She might have a choice, but she left him none.
“I told you I loved you.” Kasey called out the last ounce of strength. “I didn’t tell you I would make love with you. You’ve got to leave me something, Jordan.”
She couldn’t allow it to happen. She knew that once she shared herself with him, once she gave, she would tie herself to him completely. It wasn’t a simple matter of wanting to be touched or feel pleasure, it was a matter of needing to belong.
Jordan studied her in silence, still holding her hand in his. She was defenseless again, as she had been when sleeping with the child. He wouldn’t hurt her; he swore to himself that he wouldn’t hurt her. But he couldn’t leave her. When he released her hand and rose to go to the door that adjoined Alison’s room, Kasey let out a quiet sigh. But he closed it and turned back to her. She sprang up, prepared to send him away.
“Kasey.” He crossed to her but kept his hands by his sides. “Let me love you tonight. I need you. It’s the first time in my life I’ve needed someone else.”