From the Heart

by Nora Roberts

  “Yes, I am.” His hold had loosened. She felt his fingers drop away one at a time. He stared at her as though he’d never seen her before.

  “You . . .” He shook his head as if he were resurfacing. “You’re carrying my child, and you haven’t told me.”

  She took a step away from him. “My child, Jordan. I never said it was yours.”

  She was pulled back against him so quickly, she didn’t have time to gasp. His eyes were no longer blank, but furious. “Look at me,” he demanded between his teeth. “Look at me and say it’s not mine.” He saw the fear jump into her eyes again and released her. Why couldn’t he stop himself from repeating the mistake that had caused him to lose her? Jordan turned away and searched for control. He hadn’t been prepared for this. How could he have been prepared for this? A long, long moment passed before he could trust himself to speak again.

  “In God’s name, Kasey,” he said quietly. “How could you keep this from me? No matter how you felt about me, I had a right to know.”

  “My baby has rights, Jordan.” Her voice held the deadly calm of desperation. “I’m not concerned with yours.”

  He faced her again, ready to plead if necessary. He’d shelved his pride months before. “Don’t shut me out, Kasey, please.” He started to touch her, then, when she stiffened, he dropped his hand to his side. There were a hundred things he had planned to say when he finally found her, but now there was only one. “I love you.”

  “No!” She struck out at him in a furious slap. “Don’t you say that to me! Don’t you dare say that to me now.” Her eyes were dry one minute and flooding the next. “I would have given anything to have heard that from you six months ago. Anything. What you gave me was a note and a check for services rendered, as though I were a—”

  “No, Kasey. Please, you can’t think . . .” He reached for her again, but she pushed him away.

  “I haven’t slept with many men. Surprised?” She drew both hands over her cheeks to push away tears. “But you’re the first who ever left payment.”

  “Kasey, no, it was nothing like that.” Her words left him shaken. “Let me explain.”

  “I don’t want explanations.” She shook her head and walked away from him. “I want you to go. I asked you once before to leave me alone. Now I’m asking you again.”

  “I couldn’t then, I can’t now. Don’t you understand?”

  “I don’t want to understand.” She took deep breaths. “I don’t need to.” Her voice was calm again, but she didn’t turn to him. “I’m sorry I hit you. I’ve never done anything like that before.”

  “Kasey, please.” Gently he touched her shoulder. “Just sit down and listen to me. You loved me once. I can’t leave this way.” She didn’t move. She didn’t answer. Jordan felt the panic rising up and forced it down again. “Just hear me out, then I’ll go if that’s what you want.”

  “All right.” She moved away from his touch and sat down. “I’ll listen to you.”

  He didn’t know where to begin or how. Where were his words? “When I woke up that last morning . . .” He hesitated. His mind was so crowded with all he wanted to say, and his emotions were hammering at him. She carried his child inside her. Right now she had her hands folded over her stomach as if she would protect what was partly his from him.

  “When I woke up,” he continued, “I hated myself. I remembered that I had come into your room. I remembered everything I had said to you, what I had done. You were still sleeping. I left the note because I thought you wouldn’t want to see me again.”

  “Why did you think that?”

  “Dear God, Kasey, I . . .” He had had to deal with it for half a year, and now he had to say it. “I raped you. I woke up and there were bruises on your arms that I had put there.” Now it was he who turned away. He walked to a window, and his knuckles whitened on the sill. “I’ll have to live with that for my entire life.”

  Kasey sat in silence for a moment. An honorable man, she thought and laid her hands on the arms of the chair. And an honorable man can’t bear knowing he could contemplate doing something dishonorable. Perhaps if she hadn’t hurt so badly herself, she could have read his pain in the note he had left her.

  “Jordan.” She waited until he turned to face her again. “What happened that night was a long way from rape. I could have stopped you or fought you all the way. You know I didn’t.”

  “It wouldn’t have made any difference if you had.” He walked to her again. “I was drunk and crazy. I hurt you. You told me from the very beginning I would.” He paused again but never took his eyes from her face. “I think you should know that I was going to ask you to marry me that night.” He saw the shock fill her eyes before they closed.

  “When I got back from seeing Harry and found you’d gone, I couldn’t believe it. I got angry quickly; it was easier to deal with that way. You opened me up, forced me to feel again, and then when you meant everything to me, you walked away. I wanted to hurt you.”

  She still sat with her eyes closed, and he studied her face as he spoke. “For weeks, those first weeks after you walked into my life, I had told myself I couldn’t be in love with you. It was too quick. I was just attracted, intrigued. If I hadn’t been such a fool, I might not have lost you. You gave me everything freely, and I took it, but I was afraid to give too much back to you.”

  She opened up her eyes again and looked at him. “There’s too much in the way even now, Jordan. Please don’t say any more.”

  “You told me you’d listen. You’re going to hear it all.” He watched her hands slip back over the baby. Something ripped inside him, and he took a moment before continuing. “After that last night together, when you’d gone, I tried to forget. I told myself you’d lied to me. I told myself you’d been playing a game. Then I’d remember how you looked that first time you told me you loved me. I knew you had gone because I hadn’t given you anything back and because when I’d had my last chance, I’d hurt you.”

  “Jordan, it’s done,” she began. “Don’t—”

  “I tried to live without you.” He shook his head and crouched down in front of her chair so their eyes were nearly level. “There was no color. You’d taken all the color with you. I came after you.”

  “Came after me?” she repeated.

  “Your first letter to Alison came from Montana. When I got there, you’d left three days before. Three days. It might as well have been years. You’d left no forwarding address. And because you’d rented a car, there was no way of tracing you. I started to hire detectives, but then I remembered.” He stopped again and rose. “I thought how you might feel. So instead, I went back and prayed for you to write Alison again.”

  Jordan dragged a hand through his hair as he relived the frustration and panic. “Each time you wrote, I tried to catch you before you moved on. Once I missed you by five hours. I thought I’d go mad. I knew I couldn’t keep leaving Alison that way, even for a day or two. And I began to think you’d keep moving, one step ahead of me, for the rest of my life. Then your last letter came.

  “When you said you were going to be staying with your grandfather for a few months, Alison was so excited. Losing you has been hard on her.”

  Kasey shook her head and balled her hands into fists. “Don’t.”

  “I’m sorry.” He took one of her rigid hands into his. “As soon as she got the letter, she wanted to come out and see you. She said you told her she could.”

  “Yes, I had.” Kasey removed her hand. She couldn’t let him touch her, not now. She’d never be strong enough to send him away if he was touching her.

  Jordan looked down at his empty hand a moment, then slipped it into his pocket. “I didn’t want to leave her with my mother again, not even for a few days. I told her we’d both come.”

  “Alison’s here?” Kasey felt the smile light her face. “Outside?”

  “No.” Jordan swallowed the envy. The smile was for Alison, but not for him. “I wanted to see you alone first. Had to see yo
u alone. She’s back at the hotel. There’s a family there with a couple of kids who’ve taken to her. She was hoping you’d come with me when I went back to get her.”

  Kasey shook her head. “I can’t do that. I’d love to see her if you’d bring her here.”

  Jordan felt a fresh flash of pain. He was losing and he was powerless to prevent it. “All right, if that’s what you want. We’re taking the rest of the summer to look for a new place.”

  “A new place?”

  He had to talk about something, anything, to keep from pressuring her. To keep from begging her. “I decided some time ago, just before Christmas, actually, that Alison needed to get out of that house, away from my mother. I’ve already had the papers drawn up to turn the house over to her. We won’t need anything so large. I told Alison we’d look together and try to be settled somewhere by the time she starts school again.”

  He was ready to explode. Jordan turned to her again, and the passion showed in his face. “Don’t ask me to leave now that I’ve found you, Kasey. Don’t turn away from me. You can’t ask me to walk away from you, from my child.”

  “My child.” Kasey rose now. She’d be stronger if she were standing.

  “Our child,” Jordan corrected quietly. “You can’t change that. A child’s entitled to know his father. If you can’t think of me, think of the baby.”

  “I am thinking of the baby.” She pressed her hands to her temples and pushed. Maybe it would ease the tension. “I didn’t expect you to come here; I didn’t expect you to love me. I knew what I had to do.”

  “But I did come.” Jordan took her shoulders gently. “And I do love you.”

  “No.” She stepped back, shaking her head. “Don’t touch me.”

  She covered her eyes and didn’t see the flash of emotion in Jordan’s. “I knew what I had to do,” she repeated. “I can’t afford to think about you, about me. I have to think of my baby. I can’t take chances with my baby.”

  “Chances?” Jordan began, but she was stumbling on.

  “I won’t have him shipped from coast to coast. He’s going to know where he belongs. Nobody’s going to pull at him. I won’t have it. Not this time; this time it’s my choice.” She was sobbing now with her hands covering her face. He knew no way to bring comfort. “This is my baby, not a piece of property we can split down the middle. She might try to get at me through the baby. She might try to take him from me. I lost you, I lost Alison, but I can’t lose this baby. It would kill me. Your mother’s not going to get her hands on my baby!”

  “What are you talking about?” He forgot himself and took her elbows, pulling her hands from her eyes. “What are you saying?”

  Kasey didn’t answer. She was breathing quickly. She didn’t know what she had said.

  Jordan’s eyes narrowed to slits. “Did my mother have anything to do with your leaving?” Kasey started to shake her head, but his look stopped her. “You don’t lie worth a damn, so don’t try it. What did she say to you? What did she do?” When she didn’t answer, he forced his voice into calmness. There was fear in her eyes again, but this time he knew it wasn’t he who had put it there. “You’re going to tell me exactly what went on between you.”

  “A very good idea.” Dr. Brennan spoke as he came in the front door. Jordan glanced over but didn’t release Kasey’s arm. No one was going to stop him from learning the truth now. “No need to pick up the club, son,” he told Jordan, amused. “I told her that’s what she should do when she came home months ago.”

  “Pop, don’t interfere.”

  “Don’t interfere.” He raised his brows at his granddaughter. “You always were snippy.”

  “Pop, please.” Kasey pulled her arms away from Jordan. “You’ve got to stay out of this.”

  “The devil I do!” he boomed out at her. “This man has a right to know what went on behind his back. You just stopped playing solitaire, Kasey. I’ve dealt him in.”

  She shook her head, going to him. “Alison.”

  “He’ll take care of Alison, Kasey. Any fool could see that. Are you going to tell him, or am I?”

  “You tell me,” Jordan addressed Dr. Brennan directly. “I want it straight.”

  “Sensible. Sit down and shut up, Kasey,” her grandfather ordered.

  “No, I won’t—”

  “Kathleen, sit!”

  Her chin came up at the tone, but the training of a lifetime had her obeying.

  “All right, Jordan,” the doctor began. “This might not be easy to hear. Would you like to sit down?”

  “No.” Jordan bit off the word, then caught himself. “No, thank you.”

  “I will, I’m getting old.” Dr. Brennan settled himself. “Your mother put Kasey in a position of choosing,” he began. “I would conclude that she’s an excellent judge of character, as she must have known what Kasey’s choice would be. Her own happiness, or yours and Alison’s.”

  “I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

  “The best way is straight up, then. Your mother threatened to sue for custody of Alison unless Kasey took her bags and left on the spot.”

  “Sue for . . .” Jordan pulled his hand through his hair again. “That’s crazy. She doesn’t want Alison, and in any case, there wouldn’t be grounds for a suit.”

  “I said she was a good judge of character.” Dr. Brennan glanced at his granddaughter. Frowning, Jordan followed his eyes. He felt the strength drain out of him.

  “Oh, God.” He rubbed his hands over his face in a gesture of fatigue. “I suppose she found out about Kasey’s background. She should have come to me.” He spoke quietly to the doctor again. “I would never have let my mother get away with a threat like that. She should have come to me.”

  “Yes.” Dr. Brennan nodded in agreement. “But she wouldn’t take the risk with two people she loved. Your mother threatened to sue on grounds of immoral conduct.”

  “Pop.” The word was only a tired whisper.

  “All of it, Kasey, all at once. And,” he turned back to Jordan, “she offered to pay her. That was her only miscalculation.”

  There was a window above the kitchen sink which looked out over the mountains. Jordan walked to it and stared out. “I’m having a difficult time handling this.” His voice was strained and raw. “I knew she was capable of a lot of things, but I wouldn’t have believed this of her. I appreciate your telling me.” Jordan thought he had felt all the rage he could feel, all the pain he could stand. But he’d been wrong. Now he wasn’t sure which was uppermost. “I’ll deal with my mother, Dr. Brennan, you can be sure of it.”

  “I am sure of it.” After casting a last look at Kasey, her grandfather rose. “I have a garden to water.” He left them, and the room dropped into silence.

  Kasey took a deep breath. It was out now, all of it. There would be little more to say. “I’m going to fix some tea.” Rising, she walked over to set a kettle on to boil.

  “Kasey, there’s nothing I can say or do that will ever make up for this.”

  “It wasn’t your doing, Jordan, and it’s not your place to make up for it.” She reached above her head into a cupboard. “It’s herbal tea. Pop’s cut off my caffeine.”

  “Kasey, please, keep still a minute.” She stopped and turned to face him. Jordan drew together all of his words. He had to say everything quickly and get out while he could still stand. “First, I promise you, my mother will never come anywhere near our—your baby.” He felt the pain rolling around in his stomach as he relinquished his rights. “I won’t make any demands. I’ll give you financial support if you’ll take it. I’ll understand if you won’t.”

  “Jordan—”

  “No, don’t say anything yet.” He knew he had to get it out quickly. “The baby’s yours, completely yours; I accept that. You have my word I won’t ever make any claim. I know how much Alison means to you. I’ll leave her with you for a few days if you like while I go back to deal with my mother.”

  “It doesn’t matter, Jordan—”


  “It matters to me!” He lifted a hand as if to stop himself from breaking free of control. “When I’ve found a place for us, and we’re settled, I’ll send your grandfather our address. All I’d like is to know when the baby comes and that you’re all right.”

  His words were changing everything. What had made sense an hour before seemed absurd now. People who love should be together. “Jordan,” she began, then made a slight sound and pressed a hand to her side.

  “What is it?” Panicked, he grabbed her arms. “Are you in pain? Is it the baby? Oh, God, I should never have come. I should never have upset you this way. I’ll call your grandfather.”

  “That’s not necessary.” Kasey smiled at him. “The baby’s kicking, that’s all. He’s very active.”

  Jordan looked down. Slowly he brought up his hand to place his palm on the mound of her stomach. Life quivered impatiently beneath it. Simple wonder flooded through him. Part of himself was growing in there. Part of Kasey. Between them, they’d created a human being. He could almost feel the outline of a tiny foot as it pounded against his hand.

  When he lifted his eyes to hers, Kasey saw the swimming emotion, the dazed awe. She smiled and laid her hand on top of his. “You should feel it when he really gets going.”

  The pain swept down on him immediately, stealing his color. That would be his first and last contact with his child. The last time he touched the woman he loved. Kasey saw the change before he turned to walk to the door.

  Don’t let him go, her heart shouted at her. Don’t be a fool. It’s a risk, her mind reminded her. For you, for all of you. Take the risk, her heart insisted. You’re strong enough. You’re all strong enough.

  “Jordan.” She called to him before he reached the door. “Don’t go.” When he turned, she was halfway across the room. “We need you.” She threw her arms around his neck. “I need you.”