I walk in the direction I think Dane will be, but Mom yells at me to go right. So I do, and I walk through a crowd of adults who are much bigger than me. And like a forest opening up into a barren field of grassland, I’m pushed through the crowd right into an empty space where all I can see is Dane looking right at me.
His arms are around his dad, but they drop. His eyes are glued to mine, and he starts to smile. I do too, and I walk straight into his open arms. Instant relief rushes over me, as his arms move tightly around me. My cheek lays against his jacket, and I feel his heart beating hard through his chest. My mind is empty, but my heart is beating wildly too.
Our hug breaks because the airmen aren’t allowed to physically touch for long, and it’s like the energy is sucked out of me. Dane leans down, though, and kisses me once on the lips. It’s familiar but lacks the passion I want. I smile, though, because I’m here, and we’re together.
“How are you?” Dane asks. He sniffs like he was getting emotional and adjusts his cap.
“Great now,” I say.
We smile at each other, but someone else starts to talk to him. I don’t hear anything they say. I only watch Dane. He’s the only thing I see.
“Let’s get out of here,” he says. He looks at me again, and even though I’m aching to hold him and kiss him, I can’t. It’s painful. I walk behind him, as he leads the way out of the field and through the gate.
CHAPTER 14
It doesn't feel quite right.
Dane leads us to his dorms first, and while he can’t stop talking and answering his mom’s questions, I walk behind and only watch him.
He walks quickly, making all of us walk fast to keep up. His voice is normal, but he speaks only when there’s space for him to speak. When I happen to catch a glimpse of his face, his eyes are always dashing around in front of him like he’s monitoring the area for something. His head is high, and he looks more confident in himself.
He tells us about some of his drills, and as we walk up the stairs to his dorm room, he tells a story about a time he forgot his ID after leaving his dorm and got in trouble. I try to listen, but my thoughts run amuck. I’m worried he may not be the same person I loved from two months ago, and I don’t know if he still loves me. Right now, he doesn't seem to notice me.
We get to his dorm room, and it’s filled with people already. Ten beds sit in a row on each side of the room, and a grey metal locker accompanies each bed. We step around groups of people until we reach Dane’s bed and locker. It’s tidier than I’ve ever seen Dane’s room to be.
“Every morning, we’d wake up and have to make our beds. There couldn’t be any wrinkles or creases, and everything in our locker would have to be folded or rolled perfectly. Sometimes the drill instructors would come in here and dump an entire locker out onto the ground if someone messed up, and they would have to reorganize the entire thing,” Dane says. Everyone shakes their heads and listens to him with awe. He continues talking about how he’d have to roll shirts until he learned how to do it perfectly until finally, he motions for me to come over.
A smile fills my face from finally being acknowledged, and I step closer to him. He squats down and opens a container on the bottom of his locker, revealing a big stack of my letters all wrapped up.
“Aw” is all I can say.
“I’ve kept them all,” Dane says, looking me right in the eyes.
“I’ve kept yours too,” I say. It’s true: a stack of all his letters sits on a shelf in my closet.
He smiles, closes the container, and then closes his locker altogether. Then, he looks around the room.
“I’d love to introduce you guys to some of my friends. That guy over there,” Dane points,” is Patts. He’s the one I told you about.” Dane looks at me, and I nod, remembering a letter where he told me Patts wanted to propose to his girlfriend.
Dane starts walking towards them and then stops when, as if by my own thoughts, Patts gets down on one knee in front of his girlfriend and pulls out a tiny black box. She’s a pretty blonde, and she smiles big with her perfect white teeth. Her hands move to cover her mouth.
I don’t hear any words Patts is saying, but Patts’ girlfriend nods her head and wraps her arms around Patts’ neck. Then, he takes the ring from the box and slides it on her finger, and they kiss and embrace for much longer than technically allowed. But I smile, and everyone in the room claps and cheers for them. My heart aches, and I stifle a sigh.
Dane leads us towards Patts and his now-fiancée and gives the man a handshake and a pat on the back. I smile when Dane introduces me, but it’s quick and passes onto the next person. Despite the smiles all around me, I frown and cross my arms. After a few more minutes, someone comes into the room and asks everyone to leave, so everyone walks down the stairs and outside.
Dane takes us to the dining hall to eat now, and he walks close to me. But he still feels a hundred miles away. I don’t ask questions, and I don’t talk unless someone speaks to me. Mom seems happier and more excited to be here than I do, and I wonder what’s wrong with me. She hands me a plate when we enter the buffet.
“You need to eat something,” she says. I frown.
“I’m not hungry,” I say.
“Sure you are. And I need you to stop pouting. There’s no need for any of that. We drove all this way, so you could see Dane. And you’re seeing him, so I don’t know what there is to be sad about.” I don’t say anything because I know she’s right.
I walk around and fill my plate with fruits and veggies, hoping I can force myself to eat them. Then, Mom pays for our food, and we find the table where Dane and his family are sitting in the back of the dining hall.
The dining hall is full of families talking loudly and excitedly to their airmen, and the same is true for my table. Pam continues to ask questions and listens intently to everything that comes out of Dane’s mouth. In between him talking, Dane shovels food into his mouth like he hasn’t eaten in days. His cheeks flush when we point it out to him.
“Sorry,” he says, “I’m so used to eating super fast because we would sometimes only have five minutes to eat, and I’d have to shove as much food into my mouth as I could.” He attempts to eat slower.
Then, Ethan pulls out his phone to show Dane something he saw on Facebook, and Dane’s eyes light up.
“Can I use your phone to check my social media?” Dane asks with wide eyes. Ethan hands his phone over, and Dane is immediately sucked into the phone.
My mom talks to Pam and Ethan for the next twenty minutes, while Dane’s eyes are glued to the phone. And the anxiety in my body builds and builds, making me want to barf. Why is he glued to the phone when we drove all this way to see him? I feel sick.
I excuse myself and walk from the dining hall straight outside into the humid air. It tries to choke me, but I walk in circles, trying to breathe through it. Then, I sit on the ground, watching the people go by, and listen to their conversations.
Their conversations are full of joy and curiosity, but it doesn't distract me from the thoughts and emotions eating away at me. Dane isn’t the same. He doesn't care about me as much as he once did, and he doesn't pay attention to me like he used to. I thought he would talk to me, be close to me, look at me, and show he’s missed me, but none of that is happening. I feel as alone now as I did when I was back home.
My eyes well up with tears, but I fight them off and stand up. I’ll go inside and pretend that everything is okay as usual. But by my surprise, when I turn around, Mom is walking towards me. She pushes open the glass door and looks at me with a blank face. I don’t know what she’s thinking.
“What are you doing out here?” She asks.
“I don’t know. I needed to get some air,” I say.
“Are you sure you’re not feeling excluded?” She asks. The fact that she’s noticed it too must mean I’m right, and this makes me tear up again. I fight them, not wanting to cry right now in front of Mom when I should be smiling from ear to ear. This is so backwa
rds.
“He seems different,” I say. Mom nods.
“Well, what did you expect? He’s been away for two months, training to be a military soldier. You can’t expect someone to stay the same after going through something like this. Maybe things are different now, but what are you going to do about it?” A tear falls down my cheek, and I shake my head.
“I don’t know.” My voice cracks.
“Well, he’s worried about you. He wondered where you went and why you didn’t come back. I told him I would come to find you, so do you want to come back now?”
“In a few minutes I will,” I say.
“Okay, well give me a hug.” Mom steps over to me and wraps her arms around me. “I hate to see you sad.”
It takes everything in me to fight off the desire to start bawling right now, but I manage to do it. I force a smile when Mom lets go of me and watch her walk back inside. Then, I slump to the ground again. People eye me strangely when they walk past me, but I don’t care what they may think. They don’t understand what I’m going through.
So maybe Dane has changed, but that shouldn’t change us. His letters were so loving, and he seemed happy to see me this morning. But then why does it hurt so much?
People pass by me, opening and closing the doors behind me, so I don’t pay much attention to it. But a few seconds after I hear the door open and close behind me, I feel someone standing over me. I look up and see Dane, so I stand up.
He looks so handsome in his military uniform, and with his hat on, I can’t even tell that his head is shaved bald. His face is covered with more freckles than I’ve ever seen on him, and I’m only now realizing this after being with him all day. But his eyes are sad, and his lips turn down in a frown.
“What’s wrong?” He asks. I look down at my feet and shake my head.
“I don’t know. I…” I trail off. I feel stupid admitting my feelings to him, knowing he feels fine. He’s going to think I’m overreacting and being dramatic, so there’s no point in talking about it.
“Nothing. Let’s go inside,” I say. I start towards the door, but Dane steps in my way. I make eye contact with him, and it makes my heart ache. I want to look into his eyes and kiss him, and I want all of this distance to be over. Why can’t I say that to him?
“It’s not nothing or else you wouldn’t have come out here. So why did you?” Dane asks. The sun beats down on the back of my neck now, and it makes me sweat. I swallow hard and tell him the truth.
“Well, I was kind of upset that you were spending so much time on your dad’s phone when we all came all this way to see you. I feel like you should be enjoying your time with us instead of people who aren’t even here on Instagram or Snapchat or whatever.” Dane’s expression doesn't change, and it frightens me because I don’t know what he’s going to say.
“I’ve been without my phone for two months. You have no idea what that’s been like, so yes, I wanted to check up on everyone and see what I’ve missed. But that doesn't mean I’m not enjoying my time with you. I think you want every second of my time to be about you, but it can’t be that way. My family is here too, and I didn’t even spend that much time on my dad’s phone. You would’ve known I got off it a few minutes after you left if you would’ve stayed at the table.” His words sting, and I become emotional again. But he’s unemotional, almost robotic, and I wonder if the military training did that to him. My chest hurts, and I don’t say anything for awhile.
“Can we go inside please?” I ask. Dane steps aside, and I lead us back inside. The cooler air hits my face, and I’m incredibly grateful because my skin is on fire. I keep walking back towards the dining area, but Dane steps in front of me again.
“I know you’re still upset, so why don’t we talk about this?” Dane asks. I look at him and shrug.
“Fine,” I say. We walk towards two chairs and sit down. People walk past us and try not to stare, like they might invade our privacy. But this is a very public place to be having such a private conversation.
“So talk to me,” Dane says. I clench my hands together.
“I don’t know what you want me to say. I’m sad, and I’ve been sad for the past two months. This was so hard on me, and now that I’m here, it doesn't even seem like you miss me. It doesn't seem like you were ever upset, so it’s hard for me to be all depressed when you’re perfectly fine.” Dane stares at me, unsure of what to say. Finally, after a minute, he speaks.
“It was hard on me too, but the military purposely tries to break you down here. They try to take away all the emotion and build you up into someone who is fit to be a soldier. So,” Dane shrugs and sighs, “I don’t know. I guess I didn’t realize how much of an impact all this had on you.”
I shake my head. This conversation seems pointless. He won’t understand, and I don’t think he wants to try.
“I don’t want to go through it again,” I whisper. I don’t look at Dane, but I hope the words stung. I hope something I say will make him feel as I’ve felt for the past two months.
“You don’t want to be with me anymore?” Dane asks. The hurt is evident in his quiet question, and I regret saying what I did instantly. I don’t want him to hurt, not really. I just want to be better. I want to be happy again, and I want to be happy with him by my side. I shake my head and finally look at him.
“Of course I still want to be with you. I love you. It just hurts, and I’m tired of feeling sad. I want to be happy.”
“You get to choose to be happy,” Dane says, and I almost laugh.
“It’s not that easy for me,” I say.
“I guess I don’t know what you want,” Dane says. I don’t really know either. I feel like such a burden. If only I could pretend to be okay, then everyone would have such a better time. I’m taking time away from Dane being with his family and doing fun things with Dane myself, and that should be more important than my messed up emotions.
“I don’t know. I just want you to love me,” I say.
“I do love you.”
“I love you too.”
We sit in silence for a minute, and although every ounce of me is full of sadness still and nothing was resolved, I don’t know what to do. So I look at Dane and force a smile.
“Let’s go back,” I say. He nods and stands up, and I follow him back to the dining hall.
We spend the rest of the day walking around base and talking, and by the end of it, we’re all hot and exhausted. Dane goes back to his dorm, and the rest of us head back to our hotels until tomorrow.
Mom tries to talk to me about my conversation with Dane, but I don’t offer much. I only want to sleep and wake up tomorrow with a chance at having a better day.
The next day, we head to base early again for another ceremony. The temperature rises even more in Texas, so I prepare myself for a lot of sweating. And this time, I wear the baseball cap that Dane left me back in June to fight off the bright sun.
The ceremony is held in another area, and the bleachers are much smaller this time. There isn’t enough room for everyone, so people stand all along the edge of the field. And on the bleachers, people are packed in like sardines. Strangers’ sweaty arms and legs touch each other, leaving everyone hot and uncomfortable.
The ceremony moves slowly. The airmen wear their dress blues with long pants, long-sleeved shirts, and jackets, and I can’t imagine how incredibly hot and uncomfortable they feel.
Today, I feel better. Sleep tends to reset my thoughts and allow me to wake up with a fresh mind, so I’m letting the emotions of yesterday go and focusing on having a better day today. I take photos of the entire ceremony but struggle to find Dane until the very end.
When it ends after an hour and a half, Pam tells me to go find Dane, which brings a huge smile to my face. All the airmen stand at ease but await a family member to tap them out. I run about halfway down the field to where I spotted Dane earlier and then look through each row of people carefully, trying to find my boyfriend.
A few rows from
where I started, I make direct eye contact with Dane, and I smile big. He smiles too, and I run towards him, weaving past the other airmen and their families. When I’m a few steps away, he holds his arms open, and I run into them, giving him another hug. Yesterday’s conversation runs through my head, but I don’t care enough to let it ruin this moment. Then, he gives me a kiss, and my mind is completely at ease.
“Hi, there,” he says.
“Hi.” We’re both smiling, and I think I’m finally going to have a good day today.
When we make our way back to Dane’s family and my mom, they each give him a hug, and then we head out of base. Today, Dane gets a town pass, which means we can explore San Antonio.
But as we’re leaving, Dane decides to ride with his family, and there’s a miscommunication. Dane makes it sound like he only wants to go out with his family, so I’m immediately hurt and emotional. Mom and I get in our car, and she tells me to call Dane to figure it out. So I do, but I’m near tears.
“I don’t care if you want to cry after the phone call, but you need to keep it together while you’re talking to him. You don’t want him thinking you’re hysterical. But tell him that we drove all this way to spend time with him, so we don’t understand why we’re not invited to spend the day with him,” Mom says. So I hold in my tears when he picks up.
“Hello?”
“Hey, are we coming to eat lunch with you?” I ask Dane. There’s a silence.
“I don’t know. I wanted to spend some time with my family.”
“You realize we drove all this way to see you,” I say.
“Yeah, but I don’t understand why I can’t spend some alone time with my family without you here. Honestly, you haven’t been a lot of fun lately, and you’re not acting like the girl I knew two months ago.” Tears fall down my cheeks, but I try to keep them silent.
Love Lasts Page 16