“She’s a fighter,” a nurse told us as we stood close by. “She’s been through some things, but she’s fighting like heck to come back and be strong.”
“She’s so small,” I whispered, staring at the newborn. She was beautiful. Even with all of the tubes and the distracting noise of the machines, I knew she was so beautiful.
I wondered if she started out with hazel eyes too. I wondered if she knew she wasn’t alone anymore.
“Nurse, is it all right if we step outside and have a talk?” Big Paw asked, his voice heavy and deep.
“Of course.”
The two stepped out of the room, leaving Holly standing with me. She placed her hands on my shoulders, feeling the trembling of my body.
“She can’t be put up for adoption,” I told her. “She can’t. She’s the only thing I have left . . . she’s the only family connection I have, Holly. I’ve lost so much, and I can’t lose her too. I can’t lose my sister.”
“Shh . . . sweetheart. It’s going to be okay.”
I wished she’d stop saying that, because it was looking so far from being okay. Everything was a complete mess, and I didn’t see how any of these issues could’ve been cleared up with positive thinking.
We sat down in the room with the baby while Big Paw was off talking to the nurse. I couldn’t stop shaking as Holly kept her arms wrapped around my body. My phone dinged a few more times as we waited.
Ian: Everything okay?
Ian: It’s not like you to ghost.
I read his words over and over again before getting to my feet. “I’ll be right back, Holly.”
“Take your time, sweetheart. And tell him I love him,” she commented, knowing I was off to call Ian.
I found a stairwell and stood there with the cell phone in my hand. I tapped in Ian’s number, and a calmness settled over me when I heard his voice.
“Hey, Haze. What’s up?”
25
IAN
“The baby came, and she’s in the NICU. She’s not doing too well, but the nurses seem hopeful she’ll get a fighting chance at making a recovery,” Hazel said, her voice low and controlled.
“Are you okay?”
I could tell from the sound of her voice that she wasn’t. It all made sense that she’d gone radio silent that morning, because her world was taking a turn. She had a baby sister now who was busy fighting for her life.
“I don’t know. My mom is talking about giving the baby up for adoption instead of having Garrett and his mom look after her. That breaks my heart. I know it sounds stupid, but this little girl feels like the only family I have . . . and now there’s the possibility of her going to someone else.”
“Don’t overthink that now. Try your best to focus on the baby getting better. Okay?”
She sniffled a bit. “Yeah, okay.”
“What’s her name?”
“She doesn’t have one yet.”
“Okay, then tell me about her. What does she look like? Tell me the good, Haze. There’s always some good in the bad parts of every story. What is the good?”
“She has a full head of hair,” she said. I heard the energy of her voice shift a little as she began to search her mind for the good.
“Yeah?”
“Uh-huh. It’s black as midnight. Thick too. Mama always said I was a bald baby and didn’t get hair until I was around two years old. But my sister has it all in abundance.”
“What else?”
“The nurse said her stats are looking up. With everything my mom did before getting pregnant, I’m surprised she doesn’t have more issues. She’s a fighter.”
“She must get that from her big sister.”
She chuckled lightly before she grew somber again. “What am I going to do, Ian? What will I do if they take her away?”
“Hey, come on. Everything’s going to be okay.”
“You’re sounding a lot like your grandma right now.”
“Over twenty years of life with Grams, and she has yet to be wrong about that fact. Just have a bit of faith. You don’t need much. Just enough to get you through until tomorrow.”
“Ian, what the hell? We need you inside,” Max said, barging outside of the studio to find me sitting against the curbside talking to Hazel.
Shit.
“You said you were going to the bathroom, and I find you out here on that damn phone of yours.”
Shit, shit, shit.
“Haze? I have to go. We’ll talk later, all right?”
“Okay. Talk later.”
I hung up the phone and turned to see an extremely irritated Max Fucking Rider standing behind me. “I’m sorry,” I bellowed.
“You must not understand the opportunity you’ve been given here, Ian. Millions of people would kill to be in this studio, and here you are, wasting everyone’s damn time and everyone’s damn money, all because you had to take a freaking phone call to talk to some girl.”
“It’s not just some girl,” I disagreed. “She’s the girl, and she needed me.”
Max eyed me up and down. “Come on, man. You’re on the verge of your life changing forever, and you’re risking it all for some romance? Wake up. There are three bandmates of yours waiting inside for you to give this thing the same amount of respect that they all are. You’re the leader of this band, right?”
I grimaced. “Yeah.”
“Then stop acting like a damn child, grow the hell up, and lead them. People aren’t shitting you when they say this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Don’t blow it because of some small-town girl.”
My hands formed fists every time Max talked about Hazel as if she were nothing but a part of my past when I was trying to figure out how to pull her straight into my future. I didn’t argue with him, though, because on the surface of it all, I knew he was right. The Wreckage was being given a chance that millions of people dreamed of, and Eric, James, and Marcus were counting on me to show up and give it my all, the same way they’d been doing.
“Sorry, Max. I swear, I’m committed.”
He narrowed his eyes and stared at me, as if he wasn’t completely convinced, but he allowed it. “All right. Let’s get to work, then.”
He held his hand out toward me.
“What?”
“Don’t play dumb, Ian. Give me your cell phone. You’re cut off during recording days.”
We didn’t get back to our apartment until well after midnight. I was certain Hazel was already asleep. When I received my cell phone from Max, I had a dozen text messages from her. She apologized a few times about getting me in trouble and taking up my time when she’d called earlier. She updated me that her sister was doing a little better, but they were keeping a close eye. And she also gave me a confession.
Hazel: Confession time. I wish you were here. I know that’s selfish, and I know it’s impossible, but I do wish that, Ian. I wish you were here to hold me tonight.
I texted her back and tried to push away the ultimate guilt that sat in my gut about not being there for her.
Ian: It’s late, and I know you’re probably sleeping. At least, I hope you are. But I wanted to say I love you, Hazel. I didn’t want to say that via text message. I wanted to wait until we were eye to eye again and I was holding you in my arms, but it seems that life has a way of keeping you from the places you wish you could be the most. But I need you to know that I love you. I know your world is messy right now, and I wish I could take the hard parts and hold them on my own back. I wish I could hold you. I wish I could kiss you. I wish I could say I love you against your skin and wipe your worries away. For now, all I have are these messages. I love you, Hazel Stone. And everything is going to be okay.
When I hit send, I was surprised when I heard my phone start ringing. Hazel’s name flashed across the screen, and I answered right away.
“You should be sleeping,” I told her, falling against my own bed.
“You should be too,” she argued. “But after reading your message, I knew I had to talk to yo
u. I had to hear you say it to me . . . maybe not in person, but I needed to hear it from your lips. So please . . .”
She sounded so exhausted. As if she were already sleeping and speaking to me only in a dream state.
“I love you,” I whispered. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”
Her sighs were so gentle against the receiver, but my phone was pressed tightly against my ear as she replied to me, saying the words I’d hoped she would come to feel. “I love you too.”
“Why do you sound so sad about it?”
“Because I’ve lived life long enough to know that sometimes love isn’t enough. This is why I didn’t want to start this to begin with. This is why I was so afraid to even cross that line with you. Your life is moving so fast, Ian, and it’s all amazing things that are happening to you and the guys. You’ve worked so hard to get to where you are right now, and there’s so much more coming. Everything is moving at warp speed, and I’m so happy for you, but I’m not in that world. Right now, my life feels as if it’s moving backward, not forward. If anything, I’m frozen in time. We’re on different timelines, and I don’t want you to try to slow yours down to let me in.”
I shifted in my bed. “You’re overwhelmed and tired.”
“Did you get in trouble for talking to me today?” she asked.
“Haze . . .”
She took a breath. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I’m tired. It’s been a long day, and I should get some sleep.”
“Yeah, okay. I’ll call you in the morning.”
“It’s okay,” she said. “You don’t have to.”
“I’ll call you in the morning,” I repeated. “I love you.”
She released an exhalation. “I love you too.”
It wasn’t until that moment that I knew loving someone could feel so sad.
26
HAZEL
“I want her,” I sternly said to Big Paw and Holly as I paced back and forth in the waiting room of the hospital. It was our third day there, and my sister was making a powerful recovery from all the trauma she’d gone through.
Ian’s grandparents sat down in the metal hospital chairs with their hands clasped together and grimaces on their faces.
“It’s not that easy, Hazel,” Holly said, shaking her head. “There are rules and procedures . . .”
“Screw the rules and procedures. I want her. I want my sister. I can take care of her; I know I can. So do what you did for my mother all those years ago and for other foster kids. Or at least help me be able to take her in. I’ll handle it all, I swear.”
“It’s not that easy,” Big Paw said, repeating Holly’s words, and that enraged me.
“Yes, it is.”
“This situation is different. This is a newborn baby, Hazel. A child that the mother wants to give up . . .”
“She wouldn’t if she knew I wanted her. She would want to keep us together. She wouldn’t want to split up her girls.”
“Hazel—” Holly started, but I cut her off.
“No.” I stood tall and wrapped my arms around my body. “No. You promised. You swore that everything would be okay and that things would work out, so there has to be a way. There has to be some way to get that baby girl to stay with me. She’s the only family I have. I can pay you for your help with getting in contact with the right people.”
“You know damn well this ain’t a situation about money, little girl,” Big Paw barked, as if bothered to his core that I would assume such a thing. But how could I help it? My mind was spinning, and despair was swallowing me whole.
“Then what is it?” I cried out.
“It’s you,” he shot back, gesturing toward me. He stood from the chair, and then he was the one pacing. “It’s you and your future, Hazel. You have the whole world right there in front of you.” He snapped his fingers. “It’s right there in front of you, and I refuse to let you throw that away. You’ve worked so damn hard to not end up with a life like this. Raising a child while you’re still one yourself. You’ve spent your life caring for others, for your mother. You’ve never had a chance to be a kid all on your own. So I refuse to do this. I refuse to take away the small shot you have at a life so you can take care of another. I’ve seen what happens when someone so young is forced to raise a child before they are ready. I’ve seen my own daughter fall apart and crumble, ruining any shot she had at a future. And I forbid for that to be your story. I forbid you to toss away your shot at a future.” He had tears in his eyes, and his words cracked as they fell from his mouth.
I’d never seen Big Paw so emotional, and I knew the words he spoke came from the deepest part of his soul.
He sniffled a bit, and I stood there, stunned, as I looked on the giant who’d worked so hard to stay strong.
“Big Paw . . . ,” I softly said, shaking my head. “With all due respect, I’m not your daughter. I wouldn’t fall into the role of parenthood and run from it. I wouldn’t abandon you or my sister. I would be here completely committed to this. I know that me finding my way is important, and I’ll work toward that—I swear. But there’s one thing I’ve always wanted.”
“And what’s that?”
“A family.”
Holly frowned. “But sweetheart, you’re so young.”
“By age, not experience. Please, you two. Just help me figure this out somehow. Help me at least see if this is a possibility. Otherwise, I’ll spend the rest of my life thinking about how I didn’t do everything in my power to keep the small bit of family I had left.”
They were quiet for some time, shooting glances back and forth. The two of them had such a powerful way of communicating with one another without using any words. Big Paw tapped a fist against his lips, and Holly rubbed her palm against her cheek.
“I won’t make any promises,” Big Paw grumbled, finally turning back to me. “I’ve never gone through anything like this, and I know there will be a lot of hoops that we’ll have to jump through.”
“That’s fine,” I eagerly replied, swallowing up the slim idea that Big Paw was on board with trying to get the baby into my custody. I’d do anything to make it happen. I’d leap over every hurdle and through every hoop if it meant I’d have a shot at raising my sister.
“And you still have to look into college, because no matter what, you are getting a degree down the line.”
“I can do online classes,” I swore. “I’ll do whatever it takes. I swear, Big Paw.”
He scowled, but I knew the only reason he was doing that was due to the fact that he was going to let me try to figure it all out. “You women are going to be the death of me,” he muttered.
I rushed him, wrapping my arms around his body, and I held on so tight, probably squeezing all of the air from his lungs. “Thank you, Big Paw.”
“Don’t thank me. I haven’t done anything yet.”
“But still, thank you. For everything you’ve done for me.”
He gave me a half smile, and I swore that was the first time I’d seen his lips do such a thing to anyone outside of Holly. “If by the grace of God we pull this off, I refuse to change any diapers.”
“Oh, Harry. You’re going to change whatever we tell you to change,” Holly said.
Big Paw grumbled some more, because he knew she was right. He sat back down in his chair and gestured toward the hallway. “Go check on your sister. We’ll be over there in a few.”
I did as they said and disappeared down the hallway. Before going into the NICU, I washed my hands thoroughly. My sister had been moved to a new space in the NICU. She wasn’t hooked up to as many machines, and there were holes in her incubator, which allowed people to reach in and hold her hands.
After I was done scrubbing myself clean, I walked over to her and smiled as she lay there resting. She was so small but so fierce, so strong. Such a fighter.
I slid my hand into the incubator and placed my finger in her palm so she could grip it. Her fingers were chilled, and I did my best to warm them up. I sniffled a bit as she
wiggled around and made the quietest sounds. So many babies in the NICU cried for hours on end, but not my sister. She hardly made a peep. If I didn’t know better, I might’ve missed that there was even a baby in front of me.
“Hey, sweetheart,” I whispered, looking down at the angel. “I know you don’t know me, but you will so very soon. You see, I’m your big sister. I’m the one who’s going to be looking after you from here on out. I know this probably isn’t what you signed up for. Lord knows this wasn’t how I saw my life going, but that’s the thing about life: sometimes it just shifts without our permission. But that’s why we have to stick together, okay? Because when life shifts, it’s easier if you have someone to hold on to, so hold on to me, sis. I got you.” It may have been my imagination, but I swore it felt as if her grip around my finger tightened a little bit. As I held on to her hand, she finally opened up her eyes for me. I’d been waiting days for her to look my way, for her to give me her stare.
Her beautiful, beautiful hazel eyes.
“She’s stunning like her sister,” a voice said, making me tense up as I pulled my hand away from the incubator. His voice was deep and smoky and mine.
My mouth fell open and a hand flew to my chest as I turned to see Ian standing there. His eyes had bags beneath them, and his hair was wild, as if he hadn’t pushed a brush through it in days. He stood tall with a relaxed appearance. His eyes sparkled as he looked my way with his hands stuffed into his jeans pockets, and the smallest smile sat against his lips.
A heavy feeling sat in my stomach as my heartbeat raced. “What are you doing here?”
“Come on, Haze,” he softly said, walking toward me. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into an embrace. “I think you know the answer to that.”
I melted into his touch as if he were the sun and I were an ice cube. My hands fell against his chest, and I kept praying I wasn’t daydreaming his presence.
“You’re really here?” I asked.
“I’m really here.” He kissed my forehead, and I fell that much more in love. “Sorry I’m late.”
“But how, though? I thought your schedule was packed for quite some time.”
The Wreckage of Us Page 20