“Tydsmnx,” Bgr said.
“Mrtnzl,” the other answered and vanished from the screen. “A human like you would have to talk for five minutes to express what we said. A remarkably compact language, Chingerian.
“Doesn’t sound nice.
“Who asked you? Get over to the door, because your transport of delight is here.
A crunched and burnt lifeboat drifted into view and clanged against their hull as the airlocks lined up.
“Move it! Bgr ordered and Bill moved out of the fountain spaceship and into the other. He strapped himself into the pilot’s seat and was just reaching for the controls when Bgr’s voice boomed in his ears.
“Don’t touch anything, bowb-brains. This thing is remotely controlled. Have a good day-” The Chinger’s voice was wiped out by the roar of rockets as the lifeboat blasted forward. Straight into the ravening maw of a full-fledged space battle. Bill shrieked as guns and spacemines exploded and ravened on all sides.
The little rocket blasted through the engagement and out the other side-heading for the blue globe of a rapidly expanding planet. As gravity grabbed onto it the engine cut out and Bill continued to moan in terror as they dropped uncontrollably towards the clouds below.
The military base, bulging with guns and turrets, rushed towards them at an accelerating pace. But, at the last possible microsecond, the parachute snapped out and the lifeboat settled gently in the middle of a drillfield. The door ground open, Bill patted his newly-gray hair smooth, hauled his stomach up into his chest in the best military manner and stamped out.
“Hold it right there spy - or you’ll be fried into dog-food!
A snarling sentry stood outside with his heatray leveled at Bill’s gut, his finger twitching on the trigger.
“Urggle!
Bill said.
“What?
“I mean - Burble!
His skin grayed to match his hair as he realized he had forgotten the word of command! “I say-what’s going on here?
a General in full body armor said as he clanged up.
“Spacer landed, sir. This madman got out. Can’t talk.
“Nonsense. Can’t you see that he is an officer? Other ranks are mad, officers are eccentric.
He turned to Bill and saluted. “Welcome to Parra’Noya, Admiral.
“Eeek,” Bill eeked.
“Indeed,” the general said, bulging his eyes, not knowing what to say, “Harumph,” he finally harumphed.
“That’s it!
Bill jovialated. “Harumph! Quite a pleasure to meet you General. Bit of a space battle out there. Few thousand ships destroyed, got a few of the buggers on the other side as well.
“Can’t make an omelet without breaking eggs.
“Quite. I nipped into this lifeship when my battleship blew up. Now I suggest you show me a bit of hospitality and discipline this soldier for pointing a weapon at a superior officer.
“Of course. You - give me that weapon and turn yourself in to the MPs for two years in a labor battalion.
“Dismissed.
Sobbing with despair the soldier staggered away. The officers, now good chums, headed hand in hand for the bar where they raised glasses of vintage champagne in jolly toasting.
“To your fine military planet,” Bill smarmed. “Long may it reign.
“To your fine space navy - long may it destroy!
Bill drained his glass, belched, and nodded happily as it was refilled. “This is Parra’Noya, isn’t it?
“Indeed it is.
“I seem to remember a space-o-gram that came in just before the ship exploded. Something about a prisoner you had … .
“That will be our captive Chinger!
“I say - no one has ever captured a Chinger before.
“That’s because no one is as militaristically sadistically warlike as we are. Like to see the bugger?
“Is that his name?
“Almost. I believe it is Mgr.
“Well lead on, old bean. Can I help you torture the creature or something?
“Nice of you to offer. I’ll see what can be arranged.
They finished the bottle, lit cigars, then strolled deep into the fortress. Guards clashed their weapons at attention as they passed. Electronic gates swung open and squads of troops trotted by with presented arms. Deeper and deeper they went until the metal walls gave way to damp stone. Furtive rodents rustled away and even the guards were covered with mold and spiderwebs. One last sealed gate was unsealed and resealed and they stood before a barred door. The guard raised his weapon in a snappy salute and stepped aside. Bill looked in at the Chinger chained to the wall with massive metal shackles.
“I thought they were bigger,” he said.
“Big, small, green, too many arms, doesn’t matter. They are the enemy and shall be destroyed.
“Hear, hear. I say, what is that unusual weapon the guard is holding?
“A new invention. Shackle-ray projector. Sends out rings of energy that enwrap the victim with unbreakable bonds of paralyzing radiation.
“Sounds wizard. Might I see it?
Even before permission was given Bill took hold of the gun, reversed it, looked down the muzzle. Reversed it again and shot the guard and the General. They fell screaming and writhing into unconsciousness, wrapped in purple flame. Bill looked through the bars at the Chinger and spoke.
“Grtzz?
“Zimtz! And I’m might glad to see you, vulgar human bearer of succor and sent by my hive-mate Bgr. You can now unharumph.
At this command Bill’s imposed personality vanished and his teeth began chattering with fear. “We’re good as dead! Deep in the enemy stronghold!
“Shut up,” Mgr kindly suggested as he seized his chains and snapped them easily. “You won’t see a bowby human doing this. Or this,” he added as he bent the cell bars into loops and stepped out into the passageway. “Did you see any robots around?
Why?
“Just answer and don’t try to think with your limited capacity. Robots -remember? Metal men with wheels and glass eyes.
“Yes, I think, maybe. A janitor robot down the hall.
“Perfect.
The Chinger jumped over the unconscious General and went to the control panel beside the closed portal.
“Harumph,” he said as he pushed the button and the door opened a crack. Bill stamped forward and spoke through the crack.
“I say, guards, step in here for a moment.
As the door opened wider he seized up the ray gun and added some more numb bodies to the growing pile. Mgr stayed well out of sight as he said “Unharumph.
Bill vibrated and moaned with fear again.
“Knock that off or I’ll leave you here for certain death and dismemberment. Do what I say and you stand a chance of getting out of here in one piece or more. Get that robot in here.
Bill moaned but went. The Chinger was his only chance.
The robot was mopping the hall but stopped when he called to it.
“You, robot, come here.
“Me robot already here,” it grated with metallic stupidity.
“You-robot - put’em down mop. Roll to big human chief.
“Me-robot - do what big chief tell it.
Clanking and muttering mechanically it rolled through the door and stopped when the Chinger jumped onto its shoulder and opened the access plate in its head.
“Klinkle! it said as Mgr tore out handfuls of wire and machinery and threw them to the floor. When he had made enough room he climbed inside and slammed the plate closed behind him.
“Let’s roll! the revitalized robot said. “And you better Harumph again since you are pretty useless in the quivering coward persona. Say it!
“Harumph!
Bill quavered - then took a brace. “Shall we proceed, dear nest-mate of mine? I assume you have a plan of escape.
“Indeed I do,” the robot grated as it grabbed up its mop. “You lead the way and I’ll roll behind you. We have to go up thirty stories to t
he top level. I spotted some aerial transport there when they carried me by.
The guard at the next portal widened his eyes as Bill approached. “You do know that you are being followed by a janitorbot?
“Am I? I thought I heard a rattling.
As Bill spoke the robot rolled past him - and crashed his mop down on the guard’s head. “Time for you to change persona,” the Chingerbot said as it stripped off the guard’s uniform. Bill nodded agreement and peeled down. Swift seconds later guard and robot rolled on. They had just reached the hellevator shaft when the alarm clanged over their heads.
“They’ve caught on! Bill shouted.
“Up the Chingers! the robot bellowed and tore open the hellevator doors. The moving ladders inside were bright red. Metal hand and human hand grabbed out as one and they were quickly whisked upward. At the top of the shaft the door opened and the soldiers outside fired their guns all at the same time.
“It’s a good thing Chinger and electronic reflexes are faster than your sluggish human ones,” Mgr said, slamming the doors shut an instant before the guns ravened. The metal doors glowed hot. “Let’s try the floor below.
It was a race against time, a desperate bid for survival. Every man’s hand was turned against them - women’s as well they discovered when a gun-wielding WAAC singed their bums as they raced by.
Words cannot reveal the terrors they faced that day. The close encounters of a fourth kind, the skin of their teeth well flayed, the cliff-hangers well hung. It was only minutes but it seemed like hours before they stumbled through one last door and into the rain outside. Singed, scalded, bent and more than a little mutilated, Bill patted the sparks from his trousers while the robot raised its one remaining arm to open the plate in its head. It clanged limply to the ground as the Chinger jumped free.
“Unharumph,” Mgr said. “And, if possible, let us not do that again. Now, if you can stop clattering your teeth together in that disgusting manner, you can look about and tell me where we are.
“In the rain… .
“Brilliant. The entire human race to pick from and Bgr sends me one with the intellect of a brain-dead mouse. Listen, stupid, you are human and I, as is obvious, am not. So look about and let me know where we are.
“I’ve never been here before.
“I know that. But bulge your eyes, make a guess. All I know about humans is what I read in reports. I may be head of the CIA, Chinger Intelligence Assessment, but I have never been on a human planet before. What’s that?
“The town garbage dump. So you’re pretty high up, huh?
“Nobody higher. I run the war and have been doing a damn fine job of it. And if you try to tell anybody who I am you’ll be dead before the first word leaves your lips.
“What is garbage?
“Things people throw out.
“Good. Let’s take a look.
They skulked rapidly through the rain, from one place of concealment to the other. Finally hiding behind a heap of broken cogwheels as a rumbling sound grew louder, coming towards them.
“Peek out and look,” Mgr ordered. “What is it?
“A garbage truck. What else did you expect to find in a garbage dump?
“How many humans in it?
“None. It’s a robot garbage truck.
“You have just made my day, simple human. Let’s climb aboard.
Sodden and weary they climbed up the cab and slammed the door shut behind them.
“No humans allowed,” the robot driver grated out.
“Against law, me no like, krrkkk-‘ It krrkked its last as Mgr tore its head off and pushed it aside.
“Drive,” he said to Bill. “That is I assume you can operate this vehicle?
“A truck’s a truck,” Bill said sanguinely, kicking it into gear, revving the engine - and plowing backwards into a mountain of garbage. “Though sometimes, ha-ha, it takes a second or two to work out the controls.
“Well take a second or four and try not to do that again. We Chingers have most delicate senses of smell.
Bill fiddled with the controls and finally got them working. Put the thing into forward and rumbled out of the garbage dump. The rain was letting up and they could see the fortress behind them, green fields off to the side. Mgr peeked out of a hole he had punched in the door.
“That way-towards the jungle.
“Those are farms.
“Spare me the linguistic lesson and head for the hills. I want to be as far away from the troops as we can get before calling for help.
They rumbled on and Bill began to master the controls.
When a squad of tanks came their way he stopped and, using the extensible arms, he actually emptied some garbage cans so as not to arouse suspicion.
“Pretty good,” he said proudly as the tanks vanished with a great slurping of churned-up mud.
“Would have been a lot better,” Mgr sneered, “if you had got the garbage into the hole on top instead of dumping it into the street.
“It’s not that easy,” Bill sulked. “Do you think you could do better?
“Drive,” the Chinger said wearily. “Never let it be known that I have debated the merits of garbage dumping with a renegade human.
It was dusk before they reached a spot that suited Mgr’s needs. A rocky patch in the hills, far from human habitation. While Bill was driving he had dismantled the driving robot and used some of its spare parts to build two complicated electronic devices. He plugged one in the cigar lighter socket and waved it around.
“What’s that? Bill asked.
“Detector detector for detecting detectors.
“What does it do?
“I have always been nice to little Chingers and have helped old Chingers across the street - so what have I done to deserve you? Since you must know I am trying to find out if I can send my signal without the enemy knowing about it. And I can - so I plug this device in.
“What are you doing now?
“Calling home obviously. There; the signal has gone out and we should get some results pretty soon ….
It was sooner than that. His words were drowned out in the roar of landing jets as a hulking black craft dropped out of the sky and set down next to the truck. Mgr was on the ground in a single bound with Bill right behind him.
The airlock started to open and a microphone dropped out on a cord.
“Bgr I presume,” Mgr enthused into the microphone.
A squad of combat marines dropped out of the bottom of the ship, blast rifles aimed. The door opened and a General with seven stars on his shoulders came smiling forth.
“Not Bgr,” he said. “But General Saddam, head of Military Intelligence.
“Save me! Bill shouted and ran behind the General to the safety of the blast rifles. “This enemy made me his prisoner but I have found out his secret. His name is Mgr and he is head of the CIA. Their top intelligence agency.
“Good work soldier. I suspected this Chinger from the very beginning, he was too easy to capture. And you have proven me right. My plans have worked perfectly!
“No, General,” Mgr sneered greenly. “My plans have worked perfectly. Harumph!
Bill whipped the General’s pistol from his holster and ground it into the General’s neck as he jumped to put the officer’s bulk between him and the gun-toting marines.
“Hey, guys! he shouted. “If you shoot me you shoot the General, which would not look good on your records.
The marines stirred uneasily, some lowering their guns.
Their indecision was decided when with a great roar another black ship descended from the sky with its gun turrets swivelling. A blast of energy seared the ground before the troops and they hastily threw away their rifles.
“You can’t do this! the General roared, and tried to grab his pistol back from Bill who easily kept him at bay.
“Well done,” Bgr said stepping out of the open part of the ship. “You were right about this one, Mgr.
“Thanks, Bgr.
Bgr made
a sudden leap and seized the gun from Bill. “Unharumph,” he said.
“You almost broke my fingers off!
“Tough. But for a moron you did a great job, Bill.
“Get into the ship. And you, General, right behind him. File for a pension because your retirement has just begun.
“You trapped me. This whole charade was just so you could get to me?
“You bet our sweet patootie, General. Your side was getting too good. We figured out that someone really intelligent had gotten into the military and we couldn’t put up with that. The only way we can keep winning the war is by letting the military chain of command stand. With the stupidest rising to the top.
A blast from the Chinger gun turret blew a hole through the other spacer and the marines fled for their lives. Mgr locked the General in chains as Bgr blasted them into the sky.
“You can drop me on some quiet planet, guys-okay? Bgr shook his head no. “Sorry, Bill, there’s no discharge in the war. We need you in the Troopers. Maybe you too can be a General someday.
“Will I still get the Booze of the Month Club?
“Sorry about that as well. It was but a figment of my imagination to tantalize you with.
“Then what do I get?
“The rest of your R&R. All the officers are in the hospital with the sergeants taking care of them. We left a space freighter filled with every kind of alcoholic beverage known to mankind - as well as some unknown. All of your mates have imparted on a monumental binge and we know that they would like you to join them.
“Traitor! the General hissed. “Your name will live in infamy!
“I suppose it will,” Bill sighed. “Though it won’t if you don’t tell them.
“Count on that,” Mgr said.
“Well, in that case, you better pull out the stops. I don’t want the party to go on too long without me.
Author’s Note: On the island of Hawaii there is an active volcano that has been erupting for eight years. It produces 1600 metric tons of sulfur dioxide, and other chemicals, per day. There is a civilian hotel upwind from the fumaroles. And there is a Military Rest Camp downwind, washed by the clouds of VOG. How art doth mimic life ….
Galactic Dreams Page 15