“Definitely,” I say. I pull up the directions on my phone, and we make lefts and rights.
We’re stopped on 9th, waiting for a stoplight to change to cross Market, when he turns toward me and takes my hand up to his lips to kiss it. My throat grows thick in sorrow.
It kills me I met him two days before I’m leaving San Francisco. That a random, otherwise horrible day when I got stuck on a roller coaster could’ve been the worst day ever, but it turned out to be the best.
“How long are you staying in San Francisco?” I ask, my heart already missing him.
“I don’t know,” he says as the light turns green. “I have a meeting with a tech company here about a contract for coding some software. But if I get another project, I might take off. Who knows.”
“Maybe I can come visit you,” I say. “Before you leave.”
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” he says. He sniffles, and I see some glassiness to his light eyes. His lips curve downward, and his eyes blink.
My heart sinks. “Why not?”
“It’ll be too hard. If I see you again, it will be even harder to accept…well…you know.”
I know exactly what he means. A small part of me imagined him coming over tonight, eating pizza in between boxes, having sex on my sleeping bag since I sold my bed last week so all my stuff would fit in my sister’s car. Knowing I have minutes before I have to say goodbye to him makes me want to bawl.
I’ve had one-night stands, but this feels more than that—more important, more pivotal. I’ve never had so much fun with someone, felt so safe, felt so cared for. This is what I was looking for on all those dating apps, when I went on the single cruises around the bay. It’s what Erin found on an airplane. It’s what Cassie found in an elevator.
My story does not end like theirs. My story with Henry ends today.
We reach Home Plate way too soon. We pull into the Wells Fargo parking lot adjacent to the restaurant, and Henry finds an angled spot to pull into. I check my watch. I’m late by ten minutes, but I don’t care. I hug Henry.
I can’t help it, I start to cry.
“It’s okay,” he soothes, and that just makes me cry harder. It’s not okay. It’s cruel and stupid and makes me wish things were different. We pull away from each other and kiss, and he kisses the tears away from my eyes. The rims of his eyes are red too as he looks at me.
“It was so nice to meet you,” he says, pushing my hair away from my face.
“It feels more important than that,” I say, hugging him.
“I know.” His voice cracks, and it makes my tears slip faster.
We kiss one more time. We hold each other for seconds or years, I don’t know, and I know one thing for sure.
I don’t want to say goodbye.
“Come in,” I say. “The girls won’t mind. It’ll be a little awkward but…”
“I can’t,” he says into my hair, kissing where his words went. “It’ll be too hard.”
“I understand,” I say, although my voice quivers. When we pull away, his hand still rests on my arm.
“I just wish…” he says. “I just wish things were different.”
“Me too.”
He kisses me one more time. “Goodbye.”
“Bye,” I say. I walk down the parking lot aisle, but I look back to where he’s parked. His car does not move, does not turn on. Every two steps, I look back to see his figure in the car, just sitting in the driver’s seat.
It makes me want to sob.
7
“Oh my God, what happened to you?” Cassie asks, as I approach the table.
“You’re wearing the same outfit as yesterday,” Erin says, looking me up and down. An evil smirk crosses her lips. “Were you with Henry?”
I say nothing as I plop down in the empty chair at the table.
It’s just Cassie and Erin today for brunch. Our other friend, Sarah, had a family function she couldn’t get out of. She and I grabbed dinner earlier in the week, and she got me beautiful flowers that I gifted to my roommate since I wouldn’t be able to enjoy them much longer.
“Oh, right, that was supposed to happen yesterday. It went well, I guess?” Cassie asks.
I get a glimpse of the giant diamond ring on Cassie’s finger. I didn’t feel an ounce of jealousy when I helped with the engagement surprise, but after what happened with Henry…
I can barely hear the ladies over my sobbing.
“Oh no,” I hear Cassie say. “What happened?”
“I got stuck on a roller coaster. I wasn’t interested in Henry, and then he became really cute and then we danced to ‘Party in the USA’ in the middle of the food court…”
“That is Henry’s jam,” Erin says.
“So, you did just come from Henry’s condo?” Cassie asks. The server came and took our orders, bottomless mimosas all around. I look around Home Plate, our brunch spot for countless weekends. It didn’t matter how dire my finances became, I always scrounged up money for a brunch with Erin, Cassie, and Sarah. I’m sad Sarah couldn’t make it today.
I start crying again.
“You are a mess today. More than usual,” Erin says.
“I’m going to miss San Francisco. And you guys. And Henry…” My face crinkles like a paper ball, and I’m bawling again. A toddler at the next table stops his temper tantrum and looks at me, alarmed.
“What happened with Henry?” Erin asks.
“I like him. I really like him.” I do not add that what I feel is a strong like on the bullet train to love. If I had two more weeks, I would say “I love you” and move in if he asked me. I would accept a proposal after two months. I could even go down to six weeks.
“Did you sleep with him?” Cassie asks.
I nod. I drop my forehead to the table with too much force, and the bang makes me yelp in pain.
“Don’t give yourself a concussion,” Erin says.
I lift my head. “Erin, this is all your fault.”
She throws her hands up. “You’re welcome for the sex last night. It was good, wasn’t it?”
“So good.” I sob again.
“I did not expect this,” Cassie says. “Goddammit it, I owe you dinner.”
“What?”
Erin looks a tiny bit smug. “Cassie didn’t think you would hit it off, and I was convinced you would. So, I win.”
“What do I do now?” I ask. “I can’t live a normal life after him. He’s ruined me.”
“He doesn’t want to keep talking?” Erin asks.
I shake my head. “We just said goodbye in the Wells Fargo parking lot.”
“That fucker,” Erin says. She picks up her phone, but I place my hand on it.
“Don’t,” I say, sniffling and wiping my nose on my napkin. “I don’t think he and I should keep talking either.”
The server brings the first round. The champagne helps.
“I’m so sorry, Raegan,” Erin says. “I just knew you two would hit it off, and that’s why I pushed so hard. I thought at the very least he would stay in San Francisco, and maybe you could commute to see each other if it worked out. He’s just been out of town for so long, and I thought…”
“It’s okay, Erin. I’m glad I met him. That way I know what I won’t settle for. Henry is my new gold standard.”
I hoped saying that out loud would alleviate the deep ache in my chest. My heart feels like it’s been ripped in two. I can forget Henry. This will pass. I knew him for less than twenty-four hours. Maybe the intensity I feel is because it was so short and it had an ending.
“That’s the spirit,” Erin looks down. “I’m really sorry. Maybe it would have been better if you didn’t know.”
“You have nothing to be sorry about,” I say. My tears dry, and certainty flows over me. I feel clear about going back to my hometown when I felt so unsure about it just yesterday. I can recover from San Francisco there. I can recover from Henry there.
“We’ll come visit you in Goldheart,” Cassie says. “
We could go to Lake Tahoe for a girls’ weekend.”
“That sounds fun,” I say.
“Maybe we’ll meet another Zoey,” Erin says.
“I wish,” Cassie replies.
They always talk about the friend’s bachelorette party they went to and how much fun it was and how they want to go back to that club. They still talk to a woman they met in the bathroom there randomly, even attended her wedding where they caught the officiant with a woman in the supply closet who had a streak of pink in her hair.
“I wish I met you the first day I moved to San Francisco,” I say, holding out my hands. They take my hands in theirs, their soft smiles confirmation they feel the same. “You have been great friends to me and have made my time in San Francisco so special.”
“You leave your heart in San Francisco. It’s cheesy as hell, but they’re totally right, whoever ‘they’ are. I was so excited to come to the city today because I miss it,” Cassie says. “But you’re always welcome back. You can sleep on my couch whenever you want.”
Cassie just moved with her fiancé to San Rafael in Marin County. Their townhome is so cute and so them. I wish I would be closer. I won’t after Monday.
“You can stay on my couch too. And you’re coming back for my wedding in a few months,” Erin says.
“There’s that,” I say. “Is Henry going to be there?”
Erin nods. “He’s the best man.”
I breathe in and out. “It will be good to see him. Hopefully my heart won’t feel like this then.”
“Hopefully not,” Cassie says. “But what if it does?”
“I have to accept that we’re victims of bad timing,” I say, playing with my napkin. Maybe if I keep saying things like this, I will start believing it’s true. “Who knows? Maybe I’ll meet a cement mixer technician and forget completely about Henry.”
“I still feel so bad,” Erin says.
“You should feel bad about the roller coaster. However, I’m glad I met Henry.”
Our memories from yesterday roll into my mind. Making fun of Josh and Diana on the ride, then dancing with them in the gazebo. The way his hand felt in mine and how the feelings intensified every time he touched me. The corn dogs and the churros. The way he looked into my soul while we made love.
My phone buzzes, and my heart lunges. Everything sinks when I see who messaged me. My sister Annie.
Annie: Pick you up tomorrow at noon?
Me: Yes. See you then.
“Is that Henry?” Erin asks.
I shake my head, dropping my phone back into my purse. “Sister.”
“I can’t believe it. Time goes by so fast.”
“I can’t believe it, either. God, so much has changed. I got engaged. You got engaged and moved and left me…” Erin says to Cassie.
“We met Raegan,” Cassie says. “This feels like so much change.”
“It is,” I say. “But it’s good though. You met the love of your life, and I got to live in San Francisco. It’s time to go home and get my head on straight.”
“Well, the minute you feel antsy or miss SF, you come and visit us,” Erin says. “Promise?”
“Absolutely,” I say. “We need to do a toast.”
We raise our champagne flutes to one another.
“To being stuck in love,” I say.
Cassie and Erin coo at my toast, and we clink glasses. The champagne gives me unbridled optimism.
Everything will be okay.
I will figure everything out.
I will recover from Henry, and one day, I won’t feel like my heart is so heavy that my chest is sinking through my butt.
Unfortunately, all great adventures come to an end.
The next day, my sister arrives forty-five minutes early.
“I didn’t expect traffic to be that light for a Monday,” she says when I let her in. “Oooh, I love your hair! Very siren-esque.”
“Thanks,” I say. Sometimes, curling my hair calms me so my hair is extra fluffy today. The last time I saw my sister, my hair was completely green.
“Are you sad?” Annie asks, putting her hand on my shoulder. I nod, and she pulls me in for a hug. I cry softly into the cotton of her shirt, and she rubs my back like she’s done a million times before.
Annie is seven years older than me and technically my half-sister, but we’re incredibly close, and the upside of moving home is I’ll get to see her every day. She has always encouraged me, never doubted me, never told me what I want to do is stupid. However, when I called her to tell her that I was running out of money and men to date in San Francisco, she was the one to suggest I come home.
“Goldheart will ground you,” she said, and I agreed with her at first. Now, I’m not so sure.
Annie points to my stuff in the corner. “Is this it?”
I nod. My entire life in San Francisco crowds one corner by the couch. Four boxes, multiple totes loaded with my random junk, and two pieces of luggage. It doesn’t look like much or even a fair representation of what this city means to me. It takes three trips to my sister’s Jeep to load everything in. Somehow, I have less stuff than what I started with, since I sold all my big furniture and other items I didn’t need any more when my finances dwindled considerably.
I give my key to my roommate and hug her goodbye. When we leave, I look up at my building, a crumbling Victorian fourplex, to the top floor where I lived. I remember the laughs, the bad dates, the late nights, and how I cried over Henry last night in my sleeping bag so loud, my roommate checked on me to see if I was okay. My throat is thick, and my head still hurts from all the crying.
Coming here did not satisfy my wonder about the city. It made it worse.
Suddenly, leaving feels like cutting off an arm.
“You can always come back to visit. You have friends who live here. You can hop on the BART and come in whenever you want,” Annie suggests.
“It won’t be the same,” I say as we pull away. Tears fall down my cheeks as we drive down away from my street, from my life in San Francisco. When Annie merges onto Highway 80 to head home, she looks at me and sees the tears still flowing down my cheeks.
“I know how much you loved it there. At least you got to live there, even if it was only for a little while.”
It wasn’t enough, I think, watching the billboards and buildings pass.
“You’re really quiet. You’re not usually this quiet,” Annie says.
“I know. I met a guy,” I say. I feel fresh out of crying, but the tears hang out behind my eyes, ready to come out if I say one more word about him.
“When?”
“Saturday,” I say.
“Wow, bad timing,” Annie says.
“Totally,” I say, wiping my nose with my hand.
“Do you want to tell me about him?” she asks.
“Not right now,” I say. Time to change the subject. “So, what’s going on with Jason?”
Annie focuses on the road without a word. Annie has secretly been seeing her boss’s son at the winery for over a year and is head over heels in love with him. I try to be supportive, but my sister could do so much better than Jason Banning.
“I don’t know,” Annie says. “I want us to tell his dad, but Jason doesn’t want to. Doesn’t think it’s the right time because his parents’ wedding anniversary is coming up and they’re planning this huge party. I don’t know. I’m tired of being hidden, you know?”
I grab my sister’s hand and squeeze it three times, remembering how Henry holding mine gave me so much comfort. Telling her she can do better than Jason does nothing. My father has been telling me since the beginning to settle down, stop moving around, to be sensible.
It never worked. Only Annie was able to talk me into it.
“Thank you for getting me,” I say as we leave the city behind. My heart feels worse.
“Of course. I can’t wait to have my baby sister home,” Annie says.
I smile at her, but inside, I wonder how long I can stay there before I wa
nt to get out.
8
Goldheart is how I left it, but the buildings look smaller, the streets narrower. The first weekend back, we walk down Main Street, and Annie pops in to say hello to the owners of various shops, including Mr. Lathrop who owns the bookstore in town and just lost his wife.
Annie walks out with a wave behind her. I squirm in my skin. “You know everyone,” I say, crossing one arm across from me. A woman I do not know stares at me from across the street. I’m not sure if she’s a tourist or resident. Goldheart usually gets busy in the summer, if people are at the lake nearby or here for the day to get that small-town charm or shop at the small businesses. Goldheart has been vigilant on keeping chain stores and restaurants out, so you have to go the next town over if you want Starbucks.
When the conversation becomes quiet, I think about Henry. I wonder what he’s doing, what new exotic location he might be heading off to. If I think too long, I obsess over our day and night together, how perfect it was, and I listen to Miley Cyrus and cry.
“How are you feeling?” Annie asks, touching my shoulder as we walk.
I shrug one shoulder.
A couple walk by and hold up a hand. “Hi, Annie. Is this your sister from the city?”
I smile closed-mouthed as Annie wraps an arm around me. “Yes, this is Raegan. She’s back. For now.”
“How long did you live there?” he asks.
I swallow and say, “Sixteen months.”
“Ah,” the woman says. “I don’t know how anyone could live there. The homeless problem and how dirty it is. It’s fun to go into the city for a baseball game, but other than that, I avoid it as much as possible. I enjoy it here much more.”
I’m not sure how to respond. She has valid points about the state of the city, but it’s obvious it hasn’t crept into her soul like it has mine.
I just want to go back.
“That’s your opinion, Miriam,” Annie says sweetly. I know inside her head she’s cursing her out. My sister would never say it out loud, though. “Raegan loves it there.”
“Someone has to live there,” she says. “Well, we won’t take up too much more of your time. Say hi to your father for us. Come on, Leland.”
For Your Safety Page 5