by Erika Kelly
“That took some big-ass lady balls.”
She laughed—and fuck, if that didn’t light him up—as she reached into a cabinet for a bag of coffee beans. “Believe me, I spent a lot of time taking career tests and looking up graduate school programs while eating croissants and crying my eyes out. But, no matter how close I came to filling out an application, there was something in me…”
“Yeah, I know. And that’s the something that drew me to you in Vegas. That quiet strength.”
“What do you mean? In Vegas, I was a mess. I was devastated that Keith had ghosted me, terrified of not having a job…”
“And yet you held it together so you wouldn’t ruin your sister’s night. You could’ve easily made it about you. Instead of celebrating her sold-out concert, she could’ve been in the hotel room with you, handing you tissues and promising things would work out. But that didn’t happen, because you rallied for her. And, even after you told me what happened, you still didn’t fall apart. You’re strong and determined…and I like that.”
“Well, thank you. That’s nice to hear.” Scooping out some beans, she poured them into the grinder and twisted the plastic top.
“Not that you keep it inside. I don’t mean that. Just that you handle life’s curves with grace.”
She looked touched, and after holding his gaze a little too long, she turned back to her work. As the motor whirred, he glanced at the art work stuck to the refrigerator with magnets.
Stick figure families, flowers, a mountain…but it was the frame made out of popsicle sticks with the photo of a little girl inside that pried loose a memory. “My sister had one of those.” She’d colored the sticks with marker, just slashes of primary colors.
“Pretty much every kid in America has made one.” Finished grinding the beans, Coco poured them into the French press. “You want to get the cream out of the fridge?” After letting the hot water steep for a while, she pushed the rod down.
He opened the door to find the shelves packed with vegetables, yogurt, and storage containers filled with chicken, vegetables, pasta. “You cook a lot?”
“I do. I keep it simple, but I really want her to grow up making food, you know? I want her to see it’s a way of life, versus ordering in or passing through the drive-through window on the way home from soccer.”
He was more impressed than he could say. Because it took effort to shop, cook, and clean up after a long day. Something his mother had never bothered with. He pulled out a small container of heavy cream. “Here.”
“Thanks.” She took down two mugs. One said, May Your Coffee Be Stronger than Your Daughter’s Attitude, and the other had a photograph of her daughter wrapped around it.
Our daughter. I have a child with this woman. “Coco.”
Opening the silverware drawer, she glanced at him over her shoulder.
The sun streaming through the window poured a golden glow over her dark hair and warmed her rosy complexion. Her beauty made his heart stutter. “Of all the women in the world…” Emotion swelled, tightening the muscle in his throat. “I’m glad it’s you.”
She smiled as she removed a spoon and shut the drawer. “That’s the strangest and yet nicest complement anyone’s ever given me.”
“This whole experience is strange.” He tapped a fist on the counter. “I never thought I’d see you again.”
“Did you look for me?”
He hesitated. “I did.”
“Really?” Her tone said, You’re not just saying that because we’re alone in my house and it would be awkward to say no?
He chuckled. She was so easy to read, and he liked that. “Really. I liked you. I’m not that into hookups. If I’m going to kiss someone, I have to be attracted to her. And if I’m into her enough to kiss her, I’m probably going to date her. I didn’t plan on landing in bed with you that night.”
“That’s what you said. You said, ‘I’m not lookin’ to get laid.’”
He smiled at the way she lowered her voice to sound like a surfer dude. “Did I?”
She nodded, pouring coffee into both mugs. Lifting them, she nodded to the cream. Bring it with us. “That’s why I left with you. For whatever reason, I trusted you.” She brought the mugs to the small kitchen table, and he set the cream down. The only seating was a C-shaped, cushioned bench, so they sat down on opposite sides.
She spooned sugar into her mug and stirred. “Hang on one second.” Sweeping out of the room, she left him alone in this homey kitchen filled with the presence of his daughter...the plastic cups hanging upside down in a dish rack, the painted rocks lined up on the counter, and a ladybug umbrella hanging off a hook by the back door.
He wrapped his hands around the mug, let the heat sink into him. As surreal as this moment was, there was nowhere he’d rather be.
A sharp pang hit his chest. Willow.
Isn’t that where I should want to be? With her? To be fair, with their heavy travel schedules, they didn’t spend much time together. Still…he pulled out his phone to see several missed texts and calls from her. He needed to check in.
Beckett: Glad you made it to the airport. I’m with Coco and Posie. Call you when I’m done.
She responded immediately. I’m so glad to hear from you.
One after another came in, as if she didn’t want to lose his attention.
Willow: I was freaking out.
Willow: The way we left things.
Willow: I didn’t handle it well, and I’m sorry. It was like everything I said made you mad.
Beckett: Not angry with you. Just thrown by the situation.
Willow: I know! It’s so wild. But let’s not worry till we have the results.
His temper flared. This is why I don’t want to talk to her. Because Willow wanted to deny and distance herself, while he needed to accept his new reality.
Because she’s mine. He didn’t need a test to prove it.
Beckett: I’ll call when I’m back at the hotel.
Willow: I’ve got hours till my next flight, so I can go ahead book your travel plans for tomorrow. Can’t wait to see you!
Coco came back in, waving a photo album at him. “You ready for this?”
He’d bet those pages held Posie’s entire life.
Beckett: Hold off on booking my flight. I’ll call you later.
Lifting a hip, he shoved his phone into his back pocket. “I am.”
Dragging her mug across the table, Coco motioned for him to scoot over. She sat close enough that he could feel the heat from her body, breathe in her lovely scent, and while he knew he should give her more room, he needed that connection, as she flipped the book open to the first page.
She skimmed past the first few shots of Coco pregnant, but he rested his hand on top of hers. “Hang on.” He leaned in. “I want to see you.” Pregnant with my baby.
Her face looked fuller, a little splotchy, but there was no denying she glowed. “You looked happy.”
“That was when my parents picked me up from the airport. I was seven months pregnant and a hormonal mess. I was happy to be home, excited to start my business, scared that my parents would be disappointed in me, and terrified that I wouldn’t be able to handle being a mom and running a business.”
Without thinking, his finger touched the swell of her belly in the photograph. “What was it like?”
“Pregnancy?” She smiled. “It was pretty easy right up until I hit thirty-eight weeks. Then, it started to get uncomfortable.” She turned the page, tapped her finger on a newly born Posie. “She was ten days early, which is so her personality.” She sat back and used both arms to show bursting out of a box. “Lemme out of here. I got things to do.”
Smiling, he tapped the picture of Coco in a hospital bed, a baby on her chest. “You’re laughing?”
“Well, I had an epidural, so the pain was manageable, but I was laughing because Posie came out pissed. She had this grumpy expression, and my mom said something like, ‘Oh, look out for this one.’ And, also, to be ho
nest, I was just relieved. It was so stressful to be pregnant at twenty-one, with no income, no partner, no idea if my baby was healthy. I didn’t have a clue what it meant to have an infant—like, how do I bathe her? Feed her? How do I do this? But, then, to see her with all ten fingers and toes, perfect ears, nose, mouth…it was such a relief. Now that she was here, I felt like, okay, I got this.”
When he turned the page, she touched the back of his hand. “You’re shaking.”
He’d never felt this kind of intimacy before. It was trust, plain and simple. He knew he could show himself to this woman. “I missed all of it.”
“But you’re here now.”
“Yeah, but you did it by yourself. I want you to know, if I’d known, I would have been here. I wouldn’t…”
“I know. I know you would have.”
“I’m just so damn sorry you had to do it alone. But she’s a great kid because of you. You’re amazing, Coco.”
“Oh, I don’t know about that. You know that big conversation about nurture versus nature? I’ve only got one child, but from what I can see it’s nature. She was born with her personality.”
He flipped the page to find more hospital photographs. A nurse helped the baby find Coco’s nipple. In it, Coco was laughing, her eyes wide in disbelief. “Did it hurt?”
“Like nothing I’ve ever experienced.”
In another picture, big, male hands held the infant on a thick yellow sponge in a sink. “Were you dating someone?”
“That’s my dad. He gave Posie her first bath. Changed her first diaper, too.”
In another, Coco sat on the couch, pale, hair tucked behind her ears, the baby nursing under a blanket. “I guess it stopped hurting?”
“Sure, after three months. Oh, my God, every time she latched on, I had to grab hold of something. It was like razor blades every single time.”
“Then, why’d you keep doing it?”
“Because it felt right to me, to nurse her. It only hurt the first five minutes or so. After that, the pain would subside.”
“How long did you do it?”
“A year.”
“So, wait, when did you start the chocolate shop?”
“I started setting up the moment I came home. Everyone loves to talk about how they’d see me in the grocery store with a blanket over my shoulder, pushing my cart with one hand and nursing Posie with the other. You can’t imagine how many times I nursed while winnowing beans. I had a little playpen in the office, and when she slept, I worked. For the first year I couldn’t afford to hire anyone, so I got interns. My friends were like, ‘No one’s going to work for free,’ and I thought, well, I won’t know until I ask. There’s a group of retired people who meet at the diner every morning, the Cooters. I asked if anyone wanted to learn how to make chocolate, and a bunch of them said yes. I put up a notice on the high school job board and got some help that way, too.”
“Resourceful.” It was really hitting him, the freedom she’d given up. Her time wasn’t her own—at all.
He prided himself on being rootless. He had a small house in Boulder but only stayed there when he had a few days between trips. He lived out of a suitcase and loved every minute of it.
A cold sweat broke out on his forehead.
Coco was a mom, a daughter, a sister, a business owner. She was the exact opposite of him.
How would this work? It struck him, everything that was involved in being someone’s father.
Would Coco expect him to move here? She kept saying she didn’t need anything from him, but that didn’t absolve him of obligation. Instead of going to Boulder, would he visit here between trips? Send her gifts from his exotic travels, postcards from around the world?
That’s not a dad.
That’s a fun uncle.
Okay, but what would it look like if he moved here? He’d get a nine-to-five job, a condo, a minivan…
His axis tilted, wobbled, and he got walloped with motion sickness.
He couldn’t do that. He couldn’t be what Coco needed.
That’s not who I am.
He needed to tell her. Right now. Before she got ideas in her head, formed some kind of picture of them co-parenting.
He shut the photo album. “I’m leaving tomorrow. I’ve had this trip on the books for months, so I can’t miss it.”
“Of course.” She sat back, that warmth and open spirit snapping shut like a fist. “I didn’t ask you to stay.”
He’d fucked up. Come off too aggressive. Calm down. “No, I know that. I’m just…trying to get my bearings here.” He lowered his head into his hands. What am I supposed to do? How do I handle this?
“I’m going to reiterate the first thing I said to you.” Her tone turned businesslike. “I don’t need anything from you. I don’t expect anything. You wanted to stay in town an extra day, well, I’m here, taking off work, giving you what you asked for. If you decide to get on that plane tomorrow and never talk to us again, that’s fine with me.”
“I’m sorry. I got a little edged out.”
“Well…” She lifted her hands and let them drop into her lap. “Talk to me. Tell me what just happened in your head to make you freak out like that.”
“After nearly six years of development, I launched an app with two partners in January. We’re all working twenty-four-seven, and it’s just now starting to pay off. But my end of things…it puts me on the road three hundred days a year.”
She watched him carefully.
“Our lifestyles are very different,” he said.
“I know that.”
“And, so, I’m not sure how to be in Posie’s life.”
Coco shifted off the bench, grabbing the photo album, and clutching it to her chest. “First of all, I want to be very clear about something. Posie’s not going to know anything about her paternity. This is between you and me. As far as she’s concerned, you’re a friend in town for a few nights.” Her expression demanded a response. Got it?
He gave a sharp nod. “I hear you, but I’m talking about the situation. I’ve only been thinking in terms of my schedule, but I’m just realizing it’s about so much more. It’s about what’s best for all of us.”
The front door opened, and heels clacked across the wood floor.
“Mommy.” Posie ran into the kitchen, cheeks wet with tears.
“Oh, baby, what’s wrong?” Coco reached for her, but Posie kept her distance, planting her hands on her hips.
The girl was pissed. “I’m going to school today. I have to.”
A tall, elegant woman walked into the room and shot Coco a look. “Thanks for that.” Her tone held sarcasm.
Coco shot her an apologetic look but turned back to her daughter. “It’s okay, sweetheart, you can miss one day.”
Posie stomped her foot. “No. I can’t miss today. I’m going to school.”
It took a moment for it register, but she was wearing a Halloween costume. It had glitter and frou frou stuff all over it. Her shoes were the red version of the sparkly silver ones by the front door. “Is it dress-up day?” he asked.
His daughter sighed with such utter disgust he could hardly believe she was only five. “I’m a fairy.”
“Oh. Okay.” It’s June…no holidays…maybe they’re doing a play in preschool? He’d keep that thought to himself.
Coco leaned over so she was eye-level with her daughter. “I thought, since my friend’s in town, and he’s never been here before, that it would be fun to show him around. We could ride the chairlift to Bear Mountain and have lunch up there. He’d get to see the backcountry, and what do you bet we’re going to see a moose or a bear?”
“I’m not going.” She stomped a foot, both hands curled into fists. Tears welled in her eyes. “I have to go school, Mommy. I have to.”
While Coco talked to her daughter, the older woman reached out a hand. “I’m Joss, Coco’s mom. The fabulous benefit of being a grandmother is that when they fuss, I can get into my car and drive away.”
&nb
sp; He couldn’t help smiling as they shook hands. “It’s nice to meet you, Joss. I’m Beckett O’Neill.”
“Well, you enjoy your visit.” She leaned in. “And don’t be scared. You’ll blink, and just like that, she’ll become her charming, adorable self.” Smoothing the hair off her granddaughter’s cheek, she pressed a kiss to it. “Goodbye, my love. I had a very fun sleepover with you. If you want to come back tonight, I can leave our fort just the way it is.”
Posie wiped away tears with the back of her hand. “I want Grandpa to sleep there with us.”
“Oh, you know what a fuddy duddy your grandpa is. He’s a big, old bear who likes to sleep in his own bed. But I will make him fly you around the whole house.”
“Okay.” She flung her arms around her grandma’s neck and hugged her fiercely. “Thank you, Grandma.”
“You’re welcome, my angel. Have fun today.”
After her mom left, Coco sat on the edge of the bench seat. “Why don’t you tell me what’s so important about school today?”
“It’s my day for Show and Tell.”
She said the last word tell like “tail,” and he cracked a grin. She was a handful, but she was cute.
“And what are you bringing again? Remind me.”
“My glitter tattoos. I promised.”
“We can always bring them in next Wednesday.”
“No, Mommy. It has to be today. I promised all my friends they could have one.”
“Okay, well, if you promised them, then you should definitely go to school. It’s important to keep your promises. But, if you want to come with us to Bear Mountain, we might be able to come up with another option.”
“Like what?”
Beckett had no idea why, but he found the conversation fascinating. Coco’s calm demeanor juxtaposed with Posie’s strong personality…it presented quite a show.