by Nyla Ditson
“What did you do, Malaya?”
“Only something amazingly brilliant.”
Uh, oh. I felt my eyes narrow. “Go on.”
“I made reservations at a fancier place then we originally planned to eat at.”
I paused, my hands on the fridge handle. “Where?”
“Bluestones.”
“Malaya, that place is so expensive!”
“It can be your birthday gift to yourself. And now you have an excuse to wear your dress!”
I set the carton of milk back into the fridge and sighed. Usually I liked to stay in on my birthdays, order pizza, have a chocolate fondue, or play Dutch Blitz, that sort of thing. But Malaya convinced me to go out with her and James this year and to bring Sebastian, of course.
“See you at eight?” Malaya asked hopefully. When I didn’t answer she added in her singsong tone, “Think of the dress, think of what it’ll do to Sebastian…”
That was all it took. “Eight it is.”
Chapter 10
“Maybe I’ll get the Alligator Duo,” Sebastian said, looking at me over his menu. “At $14.95, Louisiana alligator, cooked two ways, one in lemon ginger citrus marmalade and the other—”
I held up my hand, holding back laughter. “Stop, that sounds disgusting!”
Sebastian looked back at the menu, a smile on his lips. We’d been seated at our table in Bluestones just over ten minutes. Already I’d run my eyes over his handsome appearance a dozen times. His stark white dress shirt and ocean blue tie complemented his eyes. The golden flecks in them were striking, sparkling in the candlelight. Across the back of his chair was a midnight black suit jacket that perfectly matched his dress pants, which were hidden by the white tablecloth.
“I wonder if Malaya and James had car trouble,” Sebastian commented, turning his menu over to look at the beverages listed on the back. “Or maybe they got stuck in traffic.”
“Maybe.” During our drive to Abbotsford, only light snow had begun to fall. I wasn’t overly concerned about being storm-stayed, but if the snow did pick up all four of us could crash at my mom’s. She and Nate were in Chilliwack, visiting my aunt.
My phone beeped. Recognizing Malaya’s number, I flipped it open lightning fast. “Where are you?”
“We’re still in PoCo.”
If it weren’t for the mischievous smile I heard in Malaya’s voice, I would’ve been alarmed. “Why? What happened? Should we make a later reservation?”
“No, I think we’ll let you two dine solo tonight.”
Ah, I see where this is going. I glanced at Sebastian who had his head buried in the menu and lowered my voice, covering the phone mouthpiece. “What does James think of your matchmaking shenanigans, Malaya?” I asked.
“He’d probably say I should mind my own business.”
My eyes narrowed but my stomach fluttered at the prospect of a romantic evening alone with Sebastian. “You planned this from the beginning, didn’t you?”
“Girl, you know it.” Malaya popped what sounded like a wad of bubble gum. “I figured you’ve spent the last ten birthdays with me, why not try something new on your twenty-first? Something that involves you, a phenomenally hunky boyfriend and one irresistible dress.”
The sound of a computer chair squeaked and instantly the picture of Malaya sitting at her desk and suddenly straightening up came to mind. “You are wearing the dress, right?”
“Yeah, but I still have my coat on,” I admitted. “The restaurant’s freezing.”
“Tell the waiter to crank the heat!”
“Ahem.”
I looked up to see both Sebastian and a waiter staring at me.
I flashed them both my “So sorry!” smile and then twisted my body so my hand was resting on the back of my chair and my eyes were staring at the empty table behind us.
“Gotta go, Malaya, the waiter is here,” I said and tossed a look over my shoulder and added for Sebastian’s benefit, “Tell James I hope he feels better soon.”
After whispering, “I owe you, Malaya,” I snapped the phone shut and faced forward.
The night had just taken a very interesting turn. And for once, it was in favour of me.
After we ordered, goat cheese stuffed chicken for Sebastian and steamed asparagus, grilled portabella mushrooms and three cheese garlic fettucine for me, we clinked our wine glasses and toasted to a fun night out on the town.
The red wine slid down my throat like smooth jazz. I took a second sip and after setting my glass down, noticed Sebastian had a shiny gold gift bag in his hands.
“I got you something,” he said, pushing the bag towards me. “I would’ve given it to you this week even if it wasn’t your birthday.”
“Sebastian, that’s so sweet.” I pulled out the white tissue paper as I spoke, my heart skidding into an unrecognizable rhythm when I saw what was inside.
A jewellery box.
“Open it,” Sebastian said, picking up his wine glass. “It should fit.” His chuckle melted my initial shock. “I do know the One who created the circumference of your finger.”
I stared at him, my insides turning to mush, a landslide of emotions bombarding me.
Seeing my face, Sebastian’s smile dimmed. “I think you should open it, Celeste,” he said.
With trembling fingers, I reached inside the bag and pulled out the box. Setting it on the table, I took a deep breath to steady myself. Then I placed both hands on the black ring box and pried it open. The white cushion inside housed an elegant silver ring that I bet would shimmer even in darkness.
“I don’t know what to say, it’s exquisite,” I said. I wasn’t sure why he hadn’t gone down on one knee. But that was insignificant compared to what I realized as I admired the glistening diamond band. Sebastian’s strange behaviour, his lack of touch, it all made sense now. I didn’t repulse him, I made him nervous! He must have been thinking about this moment each time we were together and it had probably driven him crazy not knowing for sure how I’d respond. Speaking of which…
“Sebastian, I’d love to be y-”
“You didn’t see the best part.” Sebastian reached over and plucked the ring from the cushion. He held it near one of the cream candle sticks in front of us. Only then did I see the light engravings of small halos on the ring.
“It’s a reminder for you, so you never forget God and His angels are around,” Sebastian said as he reached for my left hand and slid the ring on my finger. “Every time you wear it you’ll be reminded that you’re never alone, even when you’re the only one in a room.”
Holding my hand in front of me, I gasped. Sebastian smiled, probably thinking I was marvelling at the ring’s beauty and profound meaning. But I wasn’t looking at the ring. I was staring at the finger on which he’d placed it.
My index finger.
All through dinner my heart constricted in my chest, like a poisonous snake trying to squeeze the life from me. Sebastian’s ring felt like acid on my finger, mockingly eating away my burning flesh. Tears threatened to give me away but I widened my eyes, refusing them departure by not blinking.
I found myself praying to God. Don’t let Sebastian hear my thoughts, don’t let him know what I thought the ring was.
God must have been listening in the heavens because never once did Sebastian make a reference to my thoughts. Knowing his compassionate nature, he would have apologized for leading me on if he had known I thought he was going to propose. So I nodded at the right times, laughed at his teases and added my two cents when crucial. But all the while I was dying inside.
Sebastian must be lying to me. He didn’t mirror my affections for him, even if he’d said he loved me. But why would he lie about love? Why string me along until I inevitably discovered the truth? That didn’t seem like protection to me. That sounded like purposely inflicting
pain on me. I guess I really was only his mere assignment.
“I heard you reciting a sonnet in your thoughts last night,” Sebastian’s voice yanked my gaze from the slice of butterscotch pecan pie in front of me. “It was beautiful, exceedingly well written.”
The pie might as well been a plate of deep fried worms. My fork made a pinging sound when I set it across my plate. “I wrote it,” I said with a tight smile, “a few days ago.”
“It’s lovely.” Sebastian took a bite of his own dessert, looking thoughtful as he chewed. “I especially like the volta. The wording was uniquely successful in shifting the piece’s tone.”
I rested my chin on my palms and quietly recited the lines he was referring too, “‘So I sigh and shake my head, a “No” is where my answer does rest. “Then,” my heart pleads, “who kept your foot planted on the brake?”
Sebastian pushed his plate away, only a few crumbs remaining of his pie. “Were those lines inspired by a personal account?” he asked.
“Yes, my grandpa’s,” I explained. “He was at a busy intersection once and when he put his foot on the gas, his truck remained where it was. A second later, a semi blew through a stop sign and whizzed by. My grandpa always says his guardian angel was looking out for him that day.”
Just then the waiter stopped by to refill our wine glasses. Sebastian covered his, shaking his head. But I nodded. I wanted something to numb my senses.
“Your grandfather sounds like a wise man. I’m sure he’d love to hear your sonnet.”
I swirled my wine and shrugged.
“You should, it might bring him comfort,” Sebastian suggested. His eyes turned impossibly kind. “As it does to you during night fall.”
My wine glass froze centimetres from my lips. “You know about that?” I asked.
“Just recently,” Sebastian said and waved the waiter over, indicating we were ready to pay. When the young man nodded and went to get the check, Sebastian locked eyes with me. Instantly I knew he knew how much it scared me to think of him ever leaving. What scared me even more was what he said next:
“You and I need to clear a few things up, Celeste.”
As fate, luck, or maybe even God, would have it, snow had heavily covered the restaurant’s parking lot when we left. Warnings on the radio cautioned travellers to refrain from driving. The Abbotsford area was on blizzard alert. So we drove to my mom’s, letting ourselves in with the spare key hidden under a flowerpot in the backyard.
Though I left Bluestone’s clutching my heart in order to keep it from smashing to the ground, by the time we had all the lights on at my mom’s, the furnace going and a kettle for apple cider heating on the stove, my attitude did a one-eighty degree turn.
I still had my dress.
Rushing upstairs, I tore a spare toothbrush from its packaging, frantically scrubbing to get rid of the traces of garlic scent from my mouth. I brushed hard, my thoughts driving my hand’s motions in overdrive. Sebastian might see me like a sister or his project but in a few minutes I’d unbuckle my black dress coat, float down the stairs, dim the lights and take advantage of his shocked state by pulling him into a passionate kiss…
“Ready to talk?”
I stopped brushing and turned to find Sebastian loosening his tie in the bathroom doorway. He’d hung his jacket in the front closet when we’d arrived but I’d kept mine on, claiming to be cold.
Things would be heating up soon enough.
Hurling a mouthful of toothpaste and salvia into the sink wasn’t what I’d call a “turn on” but it’s not like I could answer Sebastian without a trail of watery mint toothpaste slipping out the side of my mouth. No matter, I’d make him forget this ungraceful moment the second our lips met.
After spitting, I told Sebastian “Almost ready,” and then skipped over to the towel rack to wipe my face.
Sebastian moved aside and I contemplated whether to pounce right there. I could easily press him against the doorway and kiss away all his doubts and worries about being with a human.
But my confidence booster was still hidden under my coat. Without the red dress visible, I didn’t feel as sexy or straightforward as I needed to be.
So I passed by Sebastian into the hallway. Pulling off my strappy three inch black heels, I motioned to my old bedroom down the hall.
“Just let me get rid of these first then we can talk,” I said.
When I turned around from throwing the shoes beside my bed, I ran face-first into Sebastian’s chest. A spark of danger ignited in my eyes and travelled to my toes. Mom had always forbid having boys in my bedroom, even Sam. But Sebastian wasn’t a boy, now was he?
Sebastian walked to my window and pulled the blind cord. The whirling snow outside was dramatic, temporally stealing my attention. Snow in April, in BC, was beyond bizarre. But what a romantic setting it made.
Tonight might very well be my best birthday.
“You said we needed to clear something up?” I asked innocently, joining Sebastian at the window.
“Mmm hmm,” Sebastian murmured and continued to stare out into the night sky.
I waited for him to say more but after a minute of silence I put my hand on his arm. “Sebastian?”
Trance broken, he looked down at me. “I need you to understand something, Celeste.” He picked up my hand and ran his thumb across the halo ring. “You don’t need me like you think you do. I’m not the one you should depend on for your peace.”
I’d let him talk for a few minutes, then my coat was getting ditched. Inching closer to him, I tilted my head to the side. “Who could I ever need more than you?” I asked. “You’re one of a kind, Sebastian.”
He let go of my hand and pointed towards the window. “Except I’m not. I’m one of many, one of a multitude,” he said. I followed his gaze to the dark sky, just making out the twinkling stars behind the clouds of blowing snow. “See those stars? God’s angels are as numerous as they,” he explained.
I looked away from the stars, pinning Sebastian with my best “come hither” look and said coyly, “But I bet there’s only one as charming as you.”
“Celeste,” an agitated groan sounded from deep within Sebastian. “You need to stop thinking of me like that.”
“Why? You said you love me.”
Sebastian took both my hands and looked deeper into my eyes. “Yes, but there’s someone who loves you more. My love for you is only a fraction of what He feels for you. God has a colossal-sized heart. It allows Him to not only love you but the rest of the earth’s inhabitants wholeheartedly and unconditionally.”
With my thumb roaming over the top of his hands, I batted my eyelashes playfully. “But I don’t want His love,” I said. “I want yours.”
Another groan.
Sebastian’s hand left mine and he sat down on the bed looking dejected. He unlooped his tie and threw it on the comforter before dropping his head in his hands.
I hurried over and put my hand on his back when I sat down. “Sebastian, what’s wrong?” I asked.
When he looked up his eyes were filled with tears. His voice came out in a tortured whisper. “Celeste, I’m not capable of giving you what you want, what you desperately need.”
I stopped making circles on his back through his dress shirt and reached to smooth his tousled hair. It didn’t shine, his hair no longer golden but a common dirty blonde colour. Sebastian’s typical appearance of perfection was vanishing before my eyes. Was it possible his grief over whatever he was speaking of was channelling the angelic blood from his soul?
His hands were rough when I clasped them in my own. “You’ve already given me the greatest gift, Sebastian,” I told him. “When you’re with me, I’m not scared of Kalan. And my suicidal thoughts desert me, too.”
“But it’s not me who’s doing that!” he exclaimed.
Sebastian’s voice lowered to normal when he saw my stricken face. “It’s God, He’s the peaceful aura you feel when I’m around. He’s the soothing of your hurts and regrets.” Again, Sebastian voice rose but this time not out of frustration but rather passion. “God is the one you need in your life. He’s the only one that can offer you what a raw soul like yours craves—the gift of a new life. A life that entails the shedding of your present skin, sorrows and binding mistakes and regrets.”
Registering his words but feeling like it was all a lead into a flat out rejection, I let the power of desperation take over. I pulled out my up do, letting my hair cascade to my shoulders. Fumbling with my coat’s buckle, I watched Sebastian face turn from confusion to concentration. But I refused to let him into my thoughts.
Still working to get my coat off, I looked around the room and mentally said the name of each item I saw. Dresser . . . lamp . . . grey housecoat . . .
“Celeste, what are you doing?” he asked.
Bulletin board . . . track and field day ribbons . . . stereo . . . Tim McGraw CD . . .
“What’s the significance of the gibberish?” Sebastian asked and then it happened.
The shocked expression.
The instant I threw my coat on the floor, the lioness in me came to life. Sebastian stared at me, unblinking. Unable to hold off the desires thrashing inside of me, I pushed him down on the bed, pinning him. He could’ve pushed me away, his ridiculous strength easily overpowering my own. But he didn’t and I took that as an okay to proceed.
Soon my lips were exploring his, digging deeper into the kiss with an insatiable hunger. Though Sebastian didn’t kiss me back, he didn’t move away, leaving me free to continue exploring the new land of his miraculous lips.
Kissing Sebastian was heavenly, framing his face and devouring his lips like my own version of Eden. It was everything I’d hoped and fantasized it to be. I didn’t think I’d be able to stop; his lips were addicting, intoxicating me with their softness, their fullness.
Sebastian solved that dilemma. Before I realized what was happening, firm arms pushed me away.