by James, Gemma
“Stop!” I began pacing, though I never stopped searching my surroundings. A group of college-aged kids came out of the restaurant and bumped into me. Instead of becoming irritated, I welcomed their proximity.
Stupid, Alex. Go back inside and tell Evelyn. Get help.
“You can’t just say ‘I’m sorry’ after everything. It doesn’t work like that.” I should know—sorry hadn’t worked on Rafe.
“I know.” He sighed. “But I love you. I want you back. Can we just sit down somewhere and talk?”
“Even if I didn’t think of you like my brother”—I lowered my voice—“I could never be with someone who did what you did.” The hypocrisy of my words pinged through my head. Rafe had done acts deemed unforgivable too, but I didn’t feel the same way toward him. My heart wanted what it wanted, despite logic or reason, despite right or wrong. I supposed in that aspect, I could relate to Zach.
My chest tightened, squeezing the air from my lungs. I also understood why Rafe couldn’t forgive me.
“I’ll do anything,” he said, his plea high-pitched and awash with regret. “Please, forgive me. You’re the only thing in this world I care about.”
Unable to speak, I ended the call with a press of a button then walked inside the restaurant, passing by people that blurred around me. They didn’t seem real. I didn’t seem real.
“Everything okay?” Evelyn asked.
I shook my head. “My dad…” I cleared the fear constricting my throat. “My dad needs me home. He’s got the flu or something.” I let out an awkward laugh. “He’s a big baby.” For perfecting the art of lying, I sure sucked at it now.
She tilted her head. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah.” I forced my lips into a smile. “Just family stuff. Can I get a rain check?”
“Sure, but I’m holding you to it.” She pulled me into a hug. “You can call me anytime.”
“I know.”
We parted ways out front, and as soon as she got in her SUV and pulled away, I scurried back inside the restaurant and reclaimed my seat at the table, body shaking as I deliberated on what to do. I was scared to walk to my own car. I gazed out the window at the new Volvo parked by the curb on the side of the restaurant. Dad bought it last week to replace the one destroyed by the river, once I agreed to the appointments with the shrink.
Someone slid into the chair Evelyn had vacated, making me jump. Zach’s hazel eyes stared back.
“Don’t freak out and make a scene,” he said. “I just want to talk to you.” He must have taken my stunned silence as permission to continue. And to touch me. His hand crept across the table and clamped around mine, like a snake constricting the life from my fingers. “I never meant for things to go so far.”
I opened my mouth but nothing came out. A voice screeched in my head, demanding that I do something. Knock my barely touched salad on the floor, tip over a glass of water. Shout for help. For the love of God, at least remove my hand from his grip.
Instead, I sat like a statue, barely breathing.
He leaned forward, closing some of the distance between us, and lowered his voice. “I’ve never been so scared as when I saw what you’d done. Lex…” He let out a breath. “I know you think of me as your brother and that’s why you fight this so much. But your body doesn’t lie. I know there’s room in your heart for me.” He lifted his head, gaze searching mine. “I hate that you love him, but I can accept it because I know you love me too. Please come back to me. I won’t force you. I won’t do anything you don’t want me to. I just need you in my life. Please, Lex. Please.”
I jerked my hand from his and edged away. “I almost killed myself over you.”
“Fuck, Lex…” He dropped his face into his hands.
Clutching my purse, I shot a glance through the window where the sun beat down on my car, and wished I’d parked out front. I calculated how long it would take to cover the distance if I ran, but Zach looked up.
“I know I can’t take it back, but you need to come with me. Please.”
“I’m not going anywhere with you.”
“I don’t want you around him,” he said.
“Leave Rafe out of it!” I stood. “He wants nothing to do with me, so you have no reason to go off the deep end again over him.”
Zach also rose, his body rigid, mouth tight in a straight line. “I wasn’t talking about Rafe. I’m talking about Dad. Get the fuck out of that house, Lex. He’s the last person you should trust.”
“If you’re talking about his threat to have me committed, I already know about it.” He’d made that abundantly clear when I’d fought him about seeing the therapist.
Zach grabbed my bicep. “I’m talking about something much worse. You need to come with me.” He began yanking on my arm.
“Help!” I screamed, gaze zigzagging around the restaurant before landing on a beefy guy who looked like he could take my brother. He rose, expression startled, and Zach let go of my arm. I backed away as the guy neared. Zach came after me again until my rescuer detained him.
I whirled, the front door appearing so far away. Someone shouted, and I heard a ruckus indicating a fight had begun. People stood, mouths gaping as I flew past. I didn’t remember leaving the restaurant, didn’t remember rounding the building and getting into my car, or thrusting the key into the ignition. I stomped on the gas and shot into traffic.
16. FACING FEARS
Alex
I spent thirty mindless minutes driving east along the Columbia River. Every couple of miles, I gazed into my rearview, but as far as I could tell, Zach’s car wasn’t part of the mid-day traffic. I pulled off at a rest stop, hands shaking too much to drive further, and tried three times to punch in the correct code on my cell. Finally, I unlocked my phone and dialed Dad’s number.
As soon as he answered, all the adrenaline pumping through me crashed and burned, and I started crying, my whole body trembling.
“Dad! Zach was there.” A black Beemer pulled into the spot next to me, and I almost jumped out of my skin, fearing it was my brother. But a young redhead exited the vehicle, pushing huge sunglasses on top of her head as she walked to the restrooms, hips swaying. “Dad…I’m really scared right now.” I held my breath, waiting for him to say something.
Please, for once, let him give a shit about me.
“What happened?” he finally asked.
“After my appointment, I met up with Evelyn. We were having lunch when he called—”
“Alexandra,” he interrupted. “I’ll talk to your brother. It was just a phone call, but he knows better. I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again.”
“No, he was there. He caused a scene after Evelyn left. He won’t stop. Please, Dad, I need to tell the truth about what happened. It’s eating me up—”
“Come home and we’ll talk about it.”
I shook my head, though I knew he couldn’t see me. My father’s gigantic estate was the last place I’d feel safe. I could only think of one place I equated with safety, which was really ironic, considering I’d have to cross a river to get to it. My subconscious knew exactly what it was doing—I’d already driven halfway to Dante’s Pass.
“Alexandra!” His voice rose, irritation more than apparent in the bite of his tone. Abbott De Luca wasn’t someone used to being ignored. “You need to come home now.”
“Okay,” I said, the word coming out a whisper. “I’ll be there soon.” I hung up before he figured out I was lying. I made one more phone call to arrange for a boat rental, then drove onto the highway again. By the time my father realized I wasn’t coming home, I’d already be on Rafe’s island. Of course, that depended on my ability to go near the river and set foot in a boat without having a full-blown panic attack.
My heart fluttered the whole way to Dante’s Pass and turned into an unbearable pounding as I braked in the parking lot next to the boat ramp. I shut off the ignition, and my anxiety thundered in my ears for several minutes. I kept my head straight, focusing o
n the restroom and the woman that came out holding a little girl’s hand. Sweat coated my palms, and my grip slipped from the steering wheel. To my left, I knew what waited for me.
How was I supposed to get into a boat when I couldn’t even bring myself to look at the river?
Sucking in a noisy breath, I swiveled my head before I chickened out. It was only water, and I wouldn’t even be alone, as the man I’d called on the way to take me to the island waited on the dock. Normally, his company only rented out boats, but I’d offered to pay extra if he’d take me.
If only I could get out of the stupid car and walk to the dock.
Quit being such a pussy.
The need to get to Rafe was more powerful than my phobia. I pulled on the handle then pushed open the door. One shaky leg lifted into the breeze. Another maneuver, a scoot of my butt, and both feet touched solid ground. I armed the alarm and crept down the slope toward the dock next to the ramp.
Images of suffocating, of dense blackness, assaulted me with each step, making me cringe, and I chanted stop it, stop it, stop it to wipe the stubborn thoughts from my mind, but they stuck to my brain with the strength of crazy glue. The only way to push past the terror was to chant until I heard nothing else. If I appeared on the verge of a total meltdown, the guy wouldn’t take me to Rafe.
I stepped onto the dock, keeping my eyes trained on the man waiting for me, and purposefully ignored the gentle lapping of water on either side. It wasn’t going to jump out and drown me.
Stop it, stop it, stop it.
“You the one wanting a lift to Mason Island?”
Unable to find my voice just yet, I nodded.
He frowned. “You sure that’s wise? You know the guy who lives on that island is a sex offender, right?”
“I know what everyone thinks he is. They’re wrong.”
He gave me a perplexed look. “He know you’re coming?”
“Yes.” Not a chance in hell. I could barely believe I was about to willingly get into a boat. No one else would believe it.
“You sure?”
“Y-yes. He’s expecting me.” I clasped my hands together to hide the tremors in them. “I haven’t been in a boat in a while. I’m just nervous.”
“Nothing to it.” He held out his hand and helped me inside. As soon as the boat wobbled under my weight, I slid my fingers under my sleeve and dug my nails in so hard, I came away with skin underneath them.
He narrowed his eyes. “I’m thinking you should rethink this, lady.”
With a quick shake of my head, I plopped into one of the four seats. “I’m fine. Can we please go?” I fastened my gaze on the vinyl flooring—the only thing separating me from the murky depths of nothingness—and failed to see his expression.
Stop it, stop it, stop it…
“Do you know how to swim?”
I gave a quick nod, still refusing to look at him, and heard him sigh. He placed a life jacket in the seat next to mine before starting the motor, and we were off. I squeezed my eyes shut and clung to the armrests. Wind whipped my hair around, and my stomach lurched as the boat sped over choppy waters.
When he pulled alongside the dock on Rafe’s island, my entire body quaked, and I was certain I wouldn’t be able to find my voice. I stood on wobbly legs, thinking how that had been the longest two minutes of my life, and handed him the cash I owed him with shaking fingers.
“Th-thanks.”
He stood from the driver’s seat, grabbing my arm to steady me, and helped me find solid footing on the dock. “Call if you need me.” His tone suggested more than just a ride back. I looked into his eyes and found concern in them. God, these people really believed Rafe was a monster, and it was all my fault. I had to make this right.
“I’m okay. Rafe Mason isn’t the man you think he is.”
“If you say so, lady. I’m friends with the sheriff. Call if you need anything.”
I nodded but didn’t answer. The motor fired up, and I heard him pull away. My feet wouldn’t move at first. As I stood on the dock, memories assaulted me. The night I’d fallen in, the night Rafe put me into a boat and sent me off, thinking his actions would protect me.
But he hadn’t come after me. Why? I thought of his rejection in the hospital and how odd that whole visit was. Now that my head was clearing, things were starting to prick at my mind. Questions arose.
The whole time I’d been under my father’s thumb, recuperating from the kidnapping and my own attempt to end it, everything in my world had scrambled like a Rubik’s Cube. Nothing had lined up the way it should.
Coming back to this island felt like coming home.
I started on the trail and hiked up the slight incline past a massive willow. The top of his A-frame cabin came into view, and I took a moment to really see it for the first time. Painted a dark brown-red with a huge front porch, trees towered around it, as if standing sentinel. I thought back to the night we’d left through the front door, but I couldn’t recall leaving the cabin. I’d been too preoccupied with fear, too worried about Rafe and what he’d do. Too paralyzed by the thought of going near the water.
As I climbed the steps, I withdrew the letters from my purse. Taking a deep breath, I halted at his door, and I gave myself a moment to hope.
Hope that he still wanted me.
Hope that he’d love me even.
Hope that he’d help me end this, once and for all.
Zach was still out there, and everyone around me was nuts. Rafe had done horrible things to me, but he was the crazy I knew, the crazy I loved, the crazy I trusted with my heart and my life.
Looking at him was like looking into a mirror. We’d done so much to hurt each other, but we were the only ones who could fix each other. I believed that with every bone in my body. It’d just taken me a while to see beyond my father’s manipulations, his threats, and I refused to be a puppet any longer. Not unless it was the man on the other side of the door pulling the strings.
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I lifted a fist and knocked.
17. UNWRITTEN
Rafe
“You can tell my brother to shove it. Shit, Jax, I don’t even remember working at the winery. Seems pointless to go back now.” I paced in the kitchen, cell to my ear, and not-so-patiently listened while he tried to convince me that Adam was right. Hiding out alone on the island wasn’t going to fix anything. I needed to move on with my life, memory or not. Move on from Alex.
So why wasn’t I? Even I didn’t know why I was stuck in purgatory, neither remembering the past nor moving toward the future. I was frozen in this lonely existence where Alex’s wails haunted my dreams each night. Other stuff haunted me too. Men and their brutal hands taking every last thread of power from me. I shook the images from my head, as I always did when those nightmares sparked. They pierced me to my bones every time, but I took them as a sign that on some subconscious level, I craved the control I’d lost. Made sense, considering my life had become a huge clusterfuck.
“If you’re not ready to talk to Adam,” Jax said, “at least come meet up with me tonight. You’ve been cooped up on that island too long. We’ll scope out a date for you.”
I let out a bitter laugh. “Dating is the furthest thing from my mind, but I appreciate the thought.” Tiring of pacing, I returned to the living room and lowered onto the couch with my laptop. Keeping tabs on the local fighting scene had become an obsession. I ached to step into the cage again, to experience the thrilling high that only came from choking out an opponent. But no legitimate organization would take on a guy convicted of raping a 15-year-old girl.
“Forget about women then,” Jax said. “Just come meet me tonight. Say about nine?”
“I’ll think about it.” I scrolled through the latest fights and their outcomes. Some of the fighters I remembered, but a lot of the contenders were new names making a splash on the scene. “So how’s Nikki?”
“Nikki is…” His sigh filtered over the line. “I’m trying to get her to postpone this f
ucking wedding.”
“You’re in over your head,” I said, closing the laptop.
“You’re one to talk.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Alex De Luca. She’s the reason you’re holed up in isolation on that damn piece of land.”
I hated how he knew me so well. “I shouldn’t have left her the way I did, Jax. She was a mess—”
“Let it go,” he said, tone firm. “You don’t even remember her.”
“Oh, I remember her.”
“I’m not talking about the girl. I’m talking about the woman. You lose your fucking memory, but somehow, you’re still just as obsessed as ever.”
I had no ground to argue on, so I didn’t even try. A knock sounded, and I welcomed the distraction of an unexpected visitor. “Someone’s here.” I strode to the door, pulled it open, and found Alex standing on the other side, suddenly just there, as if my guilt had summoned her. “I’ll have to call you back,” I told Jax before hanging up on him. I pocketed my cell then stared at her with my mouth hanging open.
Fucking A. I was at a loss for words.
“I know you don’t want to see me,” she said, her gaze lowering to her sneakers. She expelled a breath that ruffled her hair before bringing her eyes to mine. Beautiful eyes full of pain and confusion and…something I couldn’t put a name to but whatever it was it pulled at me in a way I couldn’t resist. God, she was gorgeous. I’d noticed the differences in her at the hospital, despite her frail state, but seeing her on my doorstep, the sun shining on the crown of her curls, how her teenage body had morphed into that of a woman’s…I had to take a deep breath to keep from reaching out and touching her.
My gaze darted behind her to the trees where thick branches and the incline of the terrain hid the water. “You crossed the river?”
She bit her lip and nodded. “I have nowhere else to go, Rafe. No one else to trust.”