by Jordan Ford
The feeling is kind of thrilling and upsetting at the same time.
I desperately want her to know the truth and I desperately don’t.
Savannah’s door shuts, and I glance into the back seat.
“Thanks,” she murmurs. “If you could just take us straight home, please.”
“Sure thing.” I check the road, then head up the hill to rich town.
I kind of want the drive to last forever so I can be with Lettie, but she’s soaked through, and I don’t want her catching a cold just because I want to hang out. I press a little harder on the gas. “So, what were you guys doing out in the rain anyway?”
Lettie rolls her eyes. “Sav’s car is at the garage, and she wanted to see Griff afterward, so we ended up taking way longer than we were supposed to at the beach, then got caught in the rain.”
I steal a glance at her, drinking her in. Loving the way her nose wrinkles when she’s complaining, adoring the sound of her voice. I’m going to sketch her tonight. I can’t believe I haven’t done that already. I’ve had all week to draw her, but I’ve been too caught up emailing, taking hours to compose the perfect messages that teach me everything and her nothing.
It’s probably a little unfair.
I should let her know who I am, how we’re connected.
But I’m scared.
I’m never scared of anything.
But I’m scared of this.
I’m worried Lettie will be disappointed, that I’ll somehow screw it up.
Black words on a white screen are safe.
And although safe has always repulsed me in the past, since Hayes got hurt, I’ve been hyperaware of not wanting to do the same to anyone else.
Especially Lettie.
“Can you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Sav snips from the back. “And slow down. The roads are slick.”
I frown, suddenly understanding why Lettie gets so frustrated at her sister sometimes. I nearly retort, “I’m not going that fast, Grandma,” but Lettie speaks up before I can.
“Would you leave him alone?” She shoots a glare at her sister. “He knows how to drive.”
“Oh yeah, how long has he had his license?” Sav grips the back of my seat and leans forward. “Or do you still have your provisional license, which means you shouldn’t be driving us right now?”
I press my lips together, frustrated that Savannah’s right and my time with Lettie is getting ruined.
Lettie’s sister huffs and slumps back in her seat.
What the hell is her problem? Please tell me she’s not so anal about the rules that I can’t bend a couple to get her out of the rain.
“He’s doing us a favor. Can’t you just say thank you?” Lettie gives Sav a pointed look. “But no, you just can’t help yourself, can you? Have to mother everybody!”
“Lettie, lay off. He’s breaking the rules and he’s driving too fast. As a passenger in the car, I have a right to say something!”
“Or you could trust that Jace knows what he’s doing!”
“I have more experience than him, and I am telling you he’s driving too fast for the conditions!”
I roll my eyes and am about to slow down when a car pulls out of a driveway without even looking. I grip the wheel, swerving to avoid them and sending the car into a sharp spin.
Lettie screams as the car does a one-eighty, skidding onto the opposite side of the road and bumping up onto the curb.
We all jolt to a sudden stop and I continue gripping the wheel, breathing hard as the jerk in the wrong speeds off down the street.
Lettie’s knuckles are white as she grips the edge of her seat.
I look away from her, shame smothering me.
I probably was going too fast.
If I’d been going the right speed, I wouldn’t have skidded on the wet road. I could have braked in time.
Shit. Savannah was right.
Why the hell can’t I listen to good advice? It’s like I’m freaking allergic to it.
“Is everyone okay?” Savannah finally breaks the silence.
“Yeah,” Lettie squeaks, then looks at me. Her round-eyed fear rips at my chest, and I wish I could drop to my knees and apologize. But I can’t find words right now.
All I can do is triple-check the road, then do a sedate U-turn that gets us heading in the right direction. My brain starts playing a cruel game of ‘what if?’ and my imagination works overtime with sounds of crunching metal, Lettie’s scream getting cut off as she’s plowed into by an oncoming car.
My muscles are taut and aching by the time we pull into their driveway.
It’s still raining, but not as hard now. Just a light drizzle that any romantic would want to dance in.
“Thanks for the ride,” Lettie murmurs while unbuckling her seat belt.
Savannah huffs and storms out of the car, slamming the door behind her.
Lettie gives me one final look—a sad smile that makes my heart feel like a rotting piece of fruit.
“See ya later,” she whispers and then walks into the house.
I watch her disappear through the door and rest my head on the wheel until I can get my breath back.
“You’re such a freaking idiot,” I mutter to myself, reversing out of the drive and heading back to Denee’s place without the groceries.
The second I walk in the door and see her smile drop to confusion, I remember that I’d borrowed her car for the sole purpose of helping her out.
“Where are the groceries?” she asks.
I close my eyes with a sigh, my shoulders sagging.
“You forgot them?” Marshall slaps his book down on the coffee table. “What have you been doing for the last forty minutes?”
“I…” Looking at the floor, I can’t confess what happened.
With an irritated huff, Marshall gets off the couch and walks over to me. “What have you been doing?”
“Nothing,” I mutter. “I’ve just been driving around.”
“Helpful.” Marshall’s sarcasm grates, but I don’t react to it. “Give me the list. I’ll go do it.”
I hand him the list and the money Denee gave me. She gives him a sad smile as he walks over to kiss her goodbye, and all I can do is slip out of the room to go and hide in my cave.
I’m becoming an expert at disappointing people.
It’s nothing too new, I’ve been doing it for years now, but going pro on the whole letting-people-down thing really sucks.
Lettie’s scream rings between my ears, followed swiftly by Hayes’s cry as he fell through the air. I shudder and grip my head, slumping onto the bed and resisting the urge to yell at the top of my lungs.
I glance at the window, tempted to jump out of it and start running.
Tempted to roof hop in the rain.
It’d be slippery and dangerous. The thrill of a freaking lifetime.
I’d no doubt fall and hurt myself, which is no less than I deserve, but then my brain does something it’s never really done before.
I start thinking ahead.
Thinking about the consequences of that.
How my recklessness would affect Denee and Marshall—the people who are supposed to be looking after me.
How it would affect my mom—the one who would have to pay the medical bills.
What Lettie would think of me—the poor thoughtless idiot who got himself injured by doing something insanely stupid.
Do I honestly want to end up in a wheelchair like Hayes?
The thought sickens me, bile roiling in my stomach as I picture my best friend never running or surfing again.
“Shit,” I moan and lie on my back, covering my face with my arm. “I’m sorry, Hayes.”
My lips start to tremble as shame hits me again. The agony of what Hayes has to face for the rest of his life smashes down on me like a truckload of bricks.
I fight the tears as best I can, my stomach jerking with pent-up sobs.
This time if I break down, there’ll be no Lettie to wipe awa
y my tears.
No Lettie to kiss.
No Lettie.
There should never be a Lettie again.
Because she deserves so much better than me.
36
Aching For Mom
LETTIE
Savannah is pissed.
As I strip off my wet blazer and hang it in the laundry to dry, I glance at my silently steaming sister.
Her wet shirt slaps over the edge of the washing machine, and eventually I can’t stand the silence anymore.
“What is your problem?” My fingers shake as I unbutton my shirt.
“My problem?” She gapes at me. “You have to even ask? We could have died, Lettie!”
I focus on unbuttoning my skirt, not wanting to think about it. “It wasn’t his fault. That car pulled out without looking.”
“If Jace hadn’t been speeding, he could have braked and avoided the car without sending us into a tail spin.”
She dumps her skirt in the washing machine and stands there in her underwear glaring at me. It’s really hard to take her seriously, but she’s completely unaware of this as she points her finger at my chest and tries to play Mom.
“You need to stay away from him. He got sent here because he was a troublemaker. I don’t want you getting involved.”
Indignation rips through me. Who the hell does she think she is?
“You can’t tell me what to do! You’re not Dad. You’re not Mom!”
“I know I’m not! But she’s not here! So who else is going to tell you to be careful? I know you like Jace; I can tell by the way you look at him. I was sitting in the back seat watching you. That blush you get, that smile on your lips. You’re crushing hard, and I’m worried about you. He’s not good news.”
“How can you be so judgmental? Your boyfriend’s an ex-criminal.”
Savannah’s cheeks flare red with indignation. “He learned his lesson and turned his life around. He’s nothing like Jace! Griffin never would have sped like that in the rain. He’s not reckless. He was young and in the wrong place at the wrong time. He had a shitty upbringing to contend with. Jace doesn’t have any of those excuses.”
“His parents sent him to live on the other side of the country. I can’t imagine that being very easy,” I retort.
“He has parents who love him, and he’s living with the Swintons! They are like the coolest people in the world! He doesn’t have any excuses, Lettie. He’s too old for you. He’s too reckless for you. He’s—”
“You don’t see what I see! You don’t see what Mom would see!” I throw my skirt into the washing machine, and now we’re both standing in our underwear fighting. It would almost be comical if this whole disagreement wasn’t hurting so much. “She’d like him. She’d like him for his sweet, kind heart, which you know nothing about because you haven’t spent any time with him.”
“I’ve spent more time with him than you have!”
I scoff and spin out of the room, not wanting to admit the skating and the kiss.
Savannah follows me, continuing to lecture me as we stomp up the stairs. “You don’t even know him well enough to know what his heart is like! You need to spend time with someone, talk to them, truly get to know them. You and Jace have barely spent any time together, and I’m warning you not to. I don’t want you getting hurt. He’s reckless!”
“Shut up! Shut up!” I spin around and scream at her. “You’re not Mom. You can’t talk to me this way!”
“I am your sister, and right now I’m responsible for you because Dad isn’t around!” She lifts her arms in the air, completely exasperated. “You think I want this role? I didn’t ask for this!”
“I just want Mom!” I yell at her. “I want my mom!”
And with that, I run into my room, slamming the door so hard, the picture of me and Mom topples off my dresser.
I rush to pick it up, holding it against my chest and squeezing it tight before looking down at my favorite human being. The one who left me too soon.
A sob punches out of me and I walk to my bed, flopping onto it and hugging Mom’s picture to my chest. Curling into a ball, I cradle her against me and let the tears flow unchecked.
I don’t know if I’ve ever missed her as much as I do in this moment.
37
A Warning Growl
JACE
I get out of the shower and quickly dry off.
Denee will be calling us for dinner soon, and as much I don’t want to sit around the table trying to be polite, I can’t get away with staying in my room.
Marshall and Denee have this real thing about sharing meals together. No TV. No devices. It’s “family” time.
It’s not all bad. Some of the discussions can be entertaining, but tonight I just don’t want to face it. I don’t want to have to sit through a lecture on letting people down or have Marshall fishing around trying to figure out why I went out to get groceries and came home with none.
With a heavy sigh, I trudge back to my room and stop short when I walk in and find Griffin standing by my desk. His arms are crossed and his easy smile is nowhere to be seen.
This puts me on the immediate defensive, and I square my shoulders, throwing my dirty laundry near the hamper and frowning at him. “What are you doing in here?”
“We gotta talk.”
I roll my eyes. “I’m really not in the mood, man.”
“I don’t give a shit what kind of mood you’re in,” he snaps, walking past me to close the door.
Okay, this is ominous. I curl my fingers into fists, ready to defend myself if I have to.
Griffin spins around and nails me with a hard look. “You know, I wanted so badly to give you a chance. I know what it’s like to come off the back of something you’re not proud of, but you’re not even trying!”
I shoot him an incredulous look and raise my voice. “What the hell are you talking about? I’m working my ass off in this damn place. I’m doing everything Marshall and Denee are telling me to, so stay the hell outta my space. I don’t need another parent. I’ve freaking got enough as it is!”
He steps right up to me, and my nostrils flare. I do not want to hit this guy, but I will if I have to. The fact that he might pound me back even better doesn’t matter. I’m not gonna be pushed around by Mr. Dreads.
Pressing his finger into my chest, he leans in close. “I can put up with a lot of shit, but when you put my girlfriend in danger, we have a serious problem.” His dark, threatening tone makes me shudder, and I close my eyes, taking a step back.
Of course Savannah was going to tell him about this afternoon.
“Check yourself, man.” He gives my shoulder a little shove and I let him. I deserve it, I guess. “And stay away from my girl,” he practically growls before storming out of my room and slamming the door behind him.
I slump onto my bed, staring at my computer and then out the window.
Griffin has a right to be pissed. Today could have gone so much worse. He could have lost the most precious thing to him.
I could have lost the most precious thing to me.
The thought is a dagger straight through my stomach.
I buckle over, breathing hard as my imagination paints a gruesome picture of twisted metal, blood, and Lettie’s lifeless eyes staring up at me.
“Shit,” I whimper, pressing the heels of my hands into my eyes and willing myself not to lose it.
I have to get out of here.
I have to get away from these good people.
If I stay, I’m just gonna hurt them.
With a definitive sniff, I sit up and start thinking it through. Like seriously considering it. Maybe it is time to try things out on my own… get away from everyone I could hurt. The thought has vaguely flittered through me before, but only as the odd mind-wandering kind of daydream—a fleeting idea that maybe life alone is less complicated.
But I’ve gotta stop dreaming and start being real.
What other choice do I have?
I obviou
sly can’t control my impulses to act like a thoughtless dick. Sending me across the country hasn’t really changed me that much. I hurt Hayes, and today I could have killed Lettie.
If I’m on my own, the only person in harm’s way is me.
I can live with that.
My head slowly bobs as I water the tiny seed in my brain. It starts to grow like a vine, selling me on this plan like it’s the only one I have.
Digging my fingers into my knees, I clench my jaw and make a choice.
It’s time to split. Time to fight my own battles and keep everyone I care about safely out of my reach.
The idea is a cold and heavy boulder, settling in my stomach and making me feel sick. But I can’t let that stop me. It’s not even about me. I’m trying to do people a favor here.
“You have to go,” I whisper, clenching my jaw and forcing a sharp breath through my nose. “But you need to be smart about it.”
I can’t just take off into the darkness tonight. I need some money. I can’t be impulsive or I’ll get picked up by the cops and brought straight back here.
Glancing at my computer again, the boulder in my stomach shifts, creating a dull ache that vibrates through my muscles.
I’m going to miss Snap… Lettie… so much.
But I can’t take her with me.
It’s better off for everyone if I just leave and never come back.
38
It’s Time to Be Brave
LETTIE
I cried myself to sleep last night and woke up feeling like total crap.
Having skipped dinner, I’m now hungry, exhausted and puffy-eyed.
Dad’s come in to check on me several times. He’s obviously worried, but I can’t tell him what’s wrong. I think Savannah has clued him in a little, but I have no idea how much she said. It was enough to stop him asking so many questions, and at one point I thought I heard him murmur, “And I’m sorry about Johanna too. That’s a real shame.”