by Vivien Brown
CHAPTER THIRTY
Ruby
I can’t believe it. Me, the owner of a shop! I’m already thinking of how I can change things, update the stock, make it work. Walking before I can run, that’s what Mrs Castle would have said, and often did. When I tried to make bread, after only ever doing fairy cakes before, and forgot all about it for days, the dough left to rise and go smelly, in the airing cupboard, among the towels. When I tried to get the bus back from the shops because it had started to snow, and ended up twenty miles away, in the wrong direction. When I fell in love with a man I had never spoken to and who didn’t even know I existed.
No more running. Walk, Ruby, walk. It’s time to slow down now, to think before I do anything rash. Like running out in the road, without looking.
Geri says we should keep Kerry on. She’s a good kid, got her problems but tries hard, reminds her of me at that age. I have to listen to Geri, learn from her, take my time. It will be funny being the boss though. Telling someone else what to do. I feel sometimes as if I’ve spent my whole life doing what others tell me to do, what others want. And suddenly I’m being treated like an adult, with a mind of my own, with some say over my own future, and it feels good. Just don’t blow it, Ruby. Don’t blow it. Like you always do …
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Michael took the car out of the hospital car park before the parking fees started to hike up again, and drove back to the flat. If his mother was serious about taking Ruby back to Brighton with her, setting her up in the shop, then he needed to talk to the Freeman woman. This would make a difference, wouldn’t it? To their meeting, and their decisions about Lily’s future. Ruby wouldn’t be on her own any more, struggling. She would have a job, an income, a home, and with a responsible woman – Lily’s own grandmother – to support her. Surely they would see that this made everything all right? Michael would then be able to go back to Portugal, back to Patsy, knowing that Lily was happy, knowing she was safe.
The flat felt cold, empty, abandoned. There were toys on the floor, including that awful doll with the staring eyes his mother had bought, his bedding was still in a jumbled heap on the end of the sofa, and there were dishes piled up in the sink. He’d had to more or less force his mother away from her natural clean-up mode and out of the door to get to the hospital on time, assuring her that nobody was going to give a damn whether or not they’d done the washing-up.
He had never really liked this flat, or this road. It had served its purpose, given them a cheap base to start off their life in London, but it had always felt too small, too claustrophobic, too hemmed in and noisy after the open spaces and clean sea air of Brighton. It hadn’t been fair to bring Ruby here and then leave her, he knew that now. It wasn’t where she belonged. In fact, he was quite surprised she had stayed. Moving back to Brighton after they’d split up would have been the obvious thing to do, and cheaper. It would have made things easier for him when he visited too, if his mother and Ruby had been closer together, killing two birds with one stone as they say. Had she stayed in London in the hope he might come back? Or because doing nothing, not making decisions or changes, was easier than the alternative? Or was she just being bloody-minded, stubborn, cutting off her own nose to spite her face?
Still, she was going to do it now, wasn’t she? Move back home, take on the shop, give Lily the sort of wonderful childhood he himself had had growing up by the sea. His mother hadn’t done a bad job with him when he was a kid, so he knew he could trust her to do the same for Lily. If Ruby accepted the offer, of course – with Ruby, nothing could ever be taken for granted. Perhaps he should have stuck around at the hospital, waited to hear Ruby’s answer. Knowing her, she just might say no.
He put away Barbara Freeman’s number for now, just in case he was jumping the gun, and called Patsy instead.
*
Agnes stood at the back window and looked out over the yard. Was she the only one who had remembered it was little Lily’s birthday on Sunday? They were all so busy trundling backwards and forwards to the hospital and worrying themselves sick about the child’s long-term future – still to be determined by the Children’s Services department – that they seemed to have forgotten her immediate future. The party she had hoped for and told her grandmother all about, with a bouncy castle and presents. It hardly seemed likely now that any of her little friends would be coming. She hadn’t been to the nursery all week so no invitations would have been handed out. That yard outside could never accommodate a castle, whichever way you tried to squeeze it in.
William had a garden. Quite a big garden, though heaven knows how long the grass was by now, and how dense the weeds. It had been a long time since she’d visited, and her son was no gardener. Maybe they could give Lily some sort of party there. How much did it cost to hire one of these bouncy things for a day? Even without other children to share it, she knew Lily would enjoy it, and the poor soul had had precious little enjoyment these last few days. It could be her present to the child. Hers and William’s.
William was upstairs now, talking to Michael. He’d said he’d called round to pick up his laptop, but she’d seen the disappointment in his eyes when he’d realised his timing was all wrong and Geraldine was not at home. She was going to have to give the pair of them a bit of a nudge if they were to get any closer together before Geraldine went back to Brighton. Agnes had been quite a good matchmaker in her day. Several of her friends had met and married their perfect partners with a little help from her, but that was many years ago, in the days of weekend dances and country walks and Saturday afternoon cinema. It was all online dating and nightclubs nowadays. Not really William’s scene at all.
However, it was the party she should be concerning herself with now. Getting William busy on the computer looking for an inflatable castle, or something like it, would at least keep him here for a while, in time to see Geraldine come back, with any luck. Then she could invite her, and Michael and Lily, down for tea and suggest it to them all. After that, she decided, as far as romance goes, it was going to be up to William. She couldn’t hold his hand and wipe his bum for him all his life.
*
‘Mum, I’ve decided I’m going up to see Patsy. Well, not just to see her, but hopefully to bring her back with me. This was meant to be our holiday, and I’ve hardly seen her. I know I’ve needed to put Lily first, but it’s not been very fair to Pats, and I miss her.’
He pulled the car into a parking space a few doors along from the flats and waited for her to object.
‘That’s fine.’ Geraldine smiled at him, placing a hand on his arm. ‘I understand, and I’m more than happy to look after Lily for a day or so. If you think that will be okay with the social people?’
‘I’m her dad, and you’re her gran. We can go where we like, do whatever normal families do, apparently. We don’t have to report our every move. It’s not us who’s under investigation, is it? Not us who left a two-year-old by herself …’
‘All right, Michael. Let’s not start all that again. What’s done is done. You will remember it’s Lily’s birthday on Sunday, won’t you? I’m sure she’ll want you here, especially if Ruby is still in hospital.’
‘Of course. I’ll be back. Or we will.’
‘Good.’
Michael scratched his head. He hadn’t given his own needs much thought in recent days, but he realised now that his hair probably needed a good wash – and the rest of him! Maybe he’d have a long soak in the bath before he set off, make sure he was all clean and scrubbed up for Patsy. He pulled the key out of the ignition and opened the car door, but didn’t climb out. ‘So … Ruby. You said if she’s still in hospital? Do you think there’s some chance she could be out for Sunday?’
‘Just wishful thinking. Nobody’s said.’
‘What about the shop? Did you ask her?’
‘I did.’
‘And?’
‘And … She said yes. She’ll need some training, a lot of handholding to start with, and she’s stil
l got her injuries to contend with, but I think in the end it could be the making of her. Naturally, they’ll give up the flat here and both come to stay with me, at least to start with. There’s plenty of room. You are okay with that, I presume?’
‘Mum, I think it’s wonderful. I can go back to work knowing my daughter is in safe hands and that she’s away from London. It’s the ideal solution for them, and for you. What will you do with all that spare time when you’ve handed things over?’
‘Start to have a life of my own again, I hope. It’s been a while.’
‘That’s good. You’ll be getting yourself a toyboy and learning to line dance next!’ He laughed as they both got out of the car and walked back towards the flat.
‘I may well do that, Michael. My options are well and truly open.’
‘I’d better get on to the Freeman woman then. This is all going to make such a difference to their worries about Lily, I’m sure. Not the toy boy part, but the rest of it. The stability, the support, a real chance to prove herself. It’s just what Ruby needs.’
‘do it then. Do it now. Remember to stress that it’s what Lily needs. That’s what counts. Oh, and if they’ve set a date for that meeting we’re meant to go to, you make absolutely sure you’re back for it.’
‘Of course. You know, I wouldn’t miss that. Lily’s still my top priority. But, one other thing …’
‘Go on.’
‘Can I borrow the car? It’s by far the quickest and easiest way for me to get to the lakes, especially if I go now, this afternoon – and the best way to get back again in a hurry.’
‘But, what about us visiting Ruby? I do think Lily should still see her mummy every day, don’t you?’ She stopped and peered along the street. ‘Where did you say that bus goes from again?’
‘Forget buses. I’m sure there’s a certain neighbour who’ll be only too happy to drive you.’
‘William? Oh, I can’t keep imposing on the poor man.’
‘I don’t think he minds, Mum. In fact, I think he really likes to do it – I think he really likes you!’
‘You do?’ She turned away and started to climb the steps to the front door, but not before Michael had seen the look on her face. Embarrassment, yes, but pleasure too. He hadn’t spotted it before, but there just could be something brewing between those two.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
Ruby
I can feel myself getting better, stronger, all the time. They say it’s my age that’s helping me to recover so well and so quickly, beyond all expectations, fighting my way back like this. And my determination too. Sometimes being a stroppy cow can be a real advantage, apparently!
But recovery goes beyond the physical, doesn’t it? It’s more than my head wound healing, or my leg bones knitting themselves slowly together like a scarf. When the visitors have gone and it’s quiet, just the old lady snoring in the bed across the way and the sound of the nurses chatting at the desk in the hall, I can’t seem to shake away all the stuff that’s in my head. It’s like this stupid bandage is keeping it all in, not letting anything escape and, until I deal with it, I won’t really have recovered at all.
Michael. It all comes down to Michael. I can’t bring myself to think of him as Mike any more. That name came from a different time, a different place. And it was only ever me that used it. To his mother, and to just about everyone else, he has always been Michael. When he comes here, to the hospital, he hangs back, stands awkwardly behind his mother, not sure what to do or say. He doesn’t want any of this. He has a new life now, and I’m just a reminder of the old one.
He’s been at the centre of things for too long. What I think and feel and do. It’s hard now to believe just how much I used to fantasise about him, building him up in my mind as some kind of Mr Perfect. But he’s far from perfect. I know that now. Perhaps, in another life, one not blighted by our own mistakes, we could have been friends. I think it’s time to let him go. Forgive. Forget. Like I probably should have done with my mother all those years ago. Accepted she was part of the past and stopped hoping for more than she could give. But I was a kid then, and I’m not now.
I have to let Lily see Michael, because he is not like my mother. Never was. He loves her, and he won’t let her down. She needs him in her life. She needs a mummy and a daddy. I, more than anyone, should know that.
A nurse has come over to the bed. The middle-aged one, with the big bosom and the little rolls of fat on her arms. ‘Everything all right, lovey?’ she says. ‘Need anything for the pain?’
‘No, thanks. Everything’s fine.’ As she walks away, her soft shoes padding across the ward, I tell myself that it is fine. It really is. Or, if it isn’t now, it very soon will be.
Lily was so happy today. She drew me a beautiful picture with her crayons. Said it was her and me on the beach at Granny’s house. It didn’t matter that I had a huge head and a stick body and a few too many fingers. We were there together, side by side, with a big blue wavy sea behind us and a yellow spikey sun in the sky. I know it means this is what Lily wants. Us together, the two of us, living by the sea. Me with my big head and all. Well, it feels that way at the moment, what with the bandages. Who wouldn’t feel a bit big-headed, knowing they were going to be the owner of a shop!
I have my necklace back. Michael had taken it home for safe-keeping, and Geri brought it back in for me today. My fingers keep going to it, touching, twiddling. It’s the cross I’d bought for Lily to wear at her christening, but that didn’t happen, did it? No wedding, no christening. Everything altered, her cross slid onto a longer chain and kept here, with me, where it belongs, keeping Lily near. It makes me feel more like me again. It’s like a talisman. It makes me feel lucky. I am lucky. To have people who care about me. Lucky to be alive.
Now all I have to do is make them see I’m not the terrible mother I’m sure they think I am. The police, Social Services, Michael … Because I’m not. I made a mistake, I know that – a big, bad mistake. I need to tell my story. Because I remember it now. All of it. The story of what happened that day. Why I left her.
I hope they will listen to me, believe me, understand. Forgive me. Everything I did was for her. Everything I do. Because I love her, and always will. Lily. My Lily.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
It was dark when Michael arrived. He had never been to the house before, wasn’t sure he’d be able to find it without streetlights or a satnav, but here he was.
The woman who answered the door was illuminated by the hall light behind her, standing out of the surrounding darkness like a picture in a frame. She was the spitting image of Patsy, only older. They’d met once before, fleetingly, in London, about a year ago, but she had looked different then, all dressed up for a trip to the theatre, and he and Patsy had not yet become a proper couple then, so they had shaken hands in passing but he had not paid the woman a lot of attention. Now, everything was different. She was his future mother-in-law, and she would be more wary. He needed to get off on the right foot this time.
She was wearing a loose blouse and a pair of what his mother would call slacks, with an apron over the top, slippers, and her hair tied back off her face. She looked sort of homely. She also looked surprised.
‘Oh! It’s Michael, isn’t it?’ Her hand flew to her mouth. ‘Oh, dear, we weren’t expecting you tonight. Just look at the state of me. Whatever must you think?’
‘So sorry, Mrs Walker. I didn’t mean to just barge in, and you look perfectly fine to me. More than fine! But … Well, I was really hoping to see Patsy. She is here?’
‘Oh, yes, she’s here. Of course she is. Come in, come in.’ She opened the door wider and ushered him into the hall. ‘You must call me Betty, now that we’re almost related. Please.’
‘Thank you, Betty.’ He took her hand as if he was about to shake it but changed his mind at the last minute and pulled her towards him for a kiss on the cheek instead. He could see the blush rise in her face as she drew away, and a little girlish giggle escaped
from her mouth.
‘Oh,’ she said, withdrawing her hand slowly from his, and steadying herself against the wall. ‘Let me just call her for you. She’s upstairs helping Matt with some maths problem he’s stuck on. Come in and sit down.’ She showed him through into a pleasant enough lounge and pointed him towards a pink chintz armchair. ‘Let me get you a cup of tea or something while you’re waiting. Have you eaten?’
‘A quick chicken sandwich and a bag of crisps on the motorway. That’ll do me for tonight. But, yes, tea would be nice. Milk, no sugar.’
She closed the door behind her but he could still hear her, hurrying up the stairs, the shuffle of her slippered feet somewhere up above him, then the pounding of heavier, faster feet running back down.
‘Michael!’ The door burst open again, flung back on its hinges, and Patsy was upon him, her arms wrapped vice-like around his neck, the smell of fresh shampoo and her sexy designer perfume mingling together to instantly arouse his senses. ‘I am so glad to see you. Why didn’t you say you were coming? I only spoke to you this afternoon and you didn’t say a thing!’
‘Surprised?’ He was pushing himself against her, crushing her ribs between his encircling arms, breathing her in.
‘More than surprised. Ecstatic!’
He pulled back and looked into her eyes. ‘Is it okay if I stay? A day or two at the most. I’ll have to get back for Lily by Sunday.’
‘Of course you can stay. Oh, I have missed you so much.’ She was kissing him now, raining little rapid kisses all over his face.
‘Oh, do it properly, woman!’ he joked and bent her over backwards, his lips full on hers, just as her mother came back in with a tray of tea.
‘Ahem,’ she coughed. ‘don’t let me disturb you two lovebirds! I assume you’ll be stopping, Michael, so I’ll go and make up the small bed for you in the spare room.’