Mia stood up and walked over to give Ryan a hug. "I’m going to walk you over to school, babe. There are too many people on your shit list for you to wander around unescorted."
Ryan gathered the phone messages and read through them as she and Mia walked along. Noting that a reporter from the Daily Californian had called repeatedly, she asked, "Gee, I wonder what he wants? Does this guy really think I’m gonna turn down big bucks from the tabloids to give him an exclusive story? You know damn well that the school would sell the rights to the story to the highest bidder. They must think I just crawled out of the potato patch."
By the time Jamie got to the practice range from her car, she had been hugged and squeezed so many times, she was certain she’d have bruises. All of her teammates had called after the ordeal, and a few had even sent personal notes, making her feel more like a member of the team than ever before. While she limbered up, Scott came over and said, "Just take it slow, Jamie. I’m sure you weren’t able to practice over break, but don’t let that worry you."
"I was able to practice," she said. "We went down to my parents’ home near Carmel, and I was able to play nearly every day. I’m actually feeling pretty good about my game."
"How’s Ryan?" he asked quietly. "I saw what happened when she was down south for that game …"
"She’s better now," Jamie said, smiling. "It’s been tough for both of us, but we’ll get through it."
"Well, if you need anything, like time off from practice, just let me know. I don’t want golf to add to your stress."
"It doesn’t," she said. "Playing golf is a very welcome diversion for me, Scott. It got me through some tough days over the last weeks."
"That’s good to hear. Just remember that we’re all behind you, Jamie," he said. "Let us know if there’s anything you need."
Juliet approached as Scott left. "Hi," she said. "Are you doing okay?"
"Yeah, I am," Jamie said confidently. "Did you have a good break?"
"Yeah. Sure." She shrugged and added, "I just played golf. Are we still on for a round tomorrow?"
"I am. Two o’clock, right?"
"That’s it. I’ll check with the other girls to make sure everyone remembers."
Juliet sauntered off, stopping to chat with several of the other players. Well, that’s the first time some of the freshmen have heard her voice, the blonde thought. Maybe Juliet is coming out of her shell.
Several times during the day, Ryan wished she had accepted Conor’s offer of protection. She always drew a fair amount of attention on campus – her impressive height, distinctive good looks, and having played two varsity sports making her stand out. But today, she was drawing more attention than she was comfortable with. She had been followed from home, a small pack of reporters jogging along behind her and Mia. Of course, she would not speak, or even make eye contact, but the same could not be said for her classmates. When Ryan left her first class, a reporter was interviewing some joker who Ryan had never seen before in her life. She heard the young man voicing an opinion about her, nonetheless, commenting that he had always found her to be aloof and standoffish. She was on the verge of grabbing him by the shirt and showing him that he might prefer her being standoffish, when Mia bounded back up to her and gave her a hug and a kiss. The flashes popped as the photographers stopping focusing on the young man and switched to Mia. "What the fuck?" she said, shielding her eyes with a raised hand.
"You don’t mind being in the tabloids as the new woman I’m having my evil way with, do you?"
"Well, I think I’d better warn my parents, but other than that, I think it’s an honor," she said. "I just ran over to ask if you want to have lunch with Jamie and her mom. You don’t have your cell phone turned on."
"Oops ... can’t afford to do that," Ryan said, and quickly switched the device on. "I’ve got to scoot, Mia, will you call Jamie and tell her I can’t make it? I’m going to meet with my independent study advisor during lunch. Tell her I love her, though, okay?"
"You love her more than you love me?" Mia said loudly, feigning outrage, then began to laugh heartily when the reporters scrambled for their notepads. "This is fun!" she said, chuckling as she departed.
Jamie and Catherine sat on matching Adirondack chairs under the shade of a massive magnolia tree, eating the delightful lunch that Marta had prepared for them. By exiting through the back of her classroom, Jamie had been able to elude the sole reporter who had decided to tag along with her, and she was relaxed and happy, although very chilly, during their meal.
"I’m simply amazed at how well you’re taking all of this, honey," Catherine said.
"Well, there are a lot of things about the ordeal that are still bothering me," Jamie said, "but the reporters don’t upset me. They really haven’t had much impact on me from the start. It doesn’t seem like a big deal, for some reason."
"But Ryan doesn’t feel that way, does she?"
"No. They bother her a lot, but much less now than they did at first. She’s a very private person, Mom, and she hates to have to censor her behavior in public."
"I can certainly understand that," Catherine said. "I’m glad to hear that it’s getting a little easier for her."
"That part is," Jamie said. "But she’s still very, very shaky. She’s still talking to her therapist twice a day, and I think that’s going to have to continue for a while. Her sleep is still very spotty, and her appetite’s not really returned, either. Things are a long way from normal for us." Her head shook slowly as she gazed at her lunch with a resigned look on her face.
"Tell me what else is bothering you, honey," Catherine said, "I know something is."
"Uhm … I don’t think this is the kind of thing you want to hear about," Jamie muttered. "It’s ah … kinda personal."
"I don’t mind. If you need to talk, I’m very willing to hear you out."
"I don’t know if it helps to talk about it or not," she said. "It’s just … we’re not … uhm … Ryan and I are having trouble being … close, and it’s really wearing on me."
"Close like … sexually close?" Catherine asked gently.
Chuckling softly, Jamie said, "Oh, we’re a long, long way from being sexual. We’re just at the point now where I can hold her for a short while each day. The rest of our physical relationship is just a dream for now. She even changes clothes in her room and showers alone."
Catherine reached out and grasped her hand, "Oh, Jamie, I’m so sorry to hear that. I know how much it means to you both to express your love. I thought that things would start becoming more normal if you slept together. I thought your bodies would just naturally move together during the night."
"No, that hasn’t happened," she sighed. "I know that we’ll get it back, Mom; I’m confident of that. I just worry that it’s going to be really, really difficult for Ryan. I’m afraid that it will take a very long time, and I don’t want her to get too frustrated if it does."
"It sounds like Ryan’s got more of an issue than you do," Catherine opined. "Is that so?"
"A bit, yeah, I’d say that’s true," Jamie said. "I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and I think we’re having different reactions because we approach sex so differently."
Catherine just cocked her head, encouraging Jamie to continue if she wished.
"You know how intense Ryan is, right?" Jamie asked.
"Yes, dear, I’ve seen her in action. She is the soul of intensity."
"Right," Jamie said. "Well, she’s very, very intense when we make love." Giving her mother a quizzical look, Jamie asked, "Are you sure it’s okay to talk about this?"
"Yes, absolutely," Catherine said. "After our talks in Rhode Island, I’ve become shock resistant."
Jamie smirked at her and continued. "Ryan’s whole thing is to show me as much of herself as she can possibly reveal. She consciously tries to take down every barrier. Every time we make love, she tries to show me what’s in her heart." She smiled wistfully. "She bares her soul to me, Mom."
Catherine
smiled wistfully and said, "That sounds wonderful."
"Oh, it is," Jamie said. "It’s such a gift. But when she’s feeling wounded and frightened like she is now – she’s unable to be close at all. It’s like she’s either fully revealed or fully shielded. There’s no middle ground with her – do you know what I mean?"
"Yes, I think so," Catherine said. "I take it that you’re not the same way Ryan is."
"No, not at all," Jamie said. "Like I said, Ryan tries to be 100% present when we’re being intimate. She keeps those big, blue eyes locked onto me like we’re sharing the same DNA. I, on the other hand, lose myself completely when we’re close. My brain shuts off, and I just let the sensations take over. I mean," she said, "I know that it’s Ryan making love to me, but I don’t really experience her very much – I experience the sensations. So while Ryan is being so painfully intimate, and risking so much – I’m just floating along on this sensual cloud – hardly aware of what’s going on around me." She laughed briefly, then continued. "Sometimes I can really be connected, and allow myself to be as vulnerable as she is." She sighed. "Our lovemaking is incredibly moving when that happens, but usually we’re almost on different planes. Thankfully, it works quite well for us. It’s just when we’re having trouble – like now – that the difference in our styles is so obvious. I could easily get carried away if Ryan started to touch me… but she can’t risk being touched or touching me, because she feels too vulnerable."
"Does she realize this, Jamie? Do you talk about this?"
"Not much," she said. "I don’t want to bring it up at this point – at least not in any detail. She feels really broken, Mom, and I don’t want to make it worse. She’s so very fragile right now." She shook her head and fought to hold back the tears. "I just want to support her."
"Jamie," Catherine said, "I can see how hard this is right now, but it’s so obvious how much you love each other. I’m sure that getting through this will make your relationship just that much stronger."
Her cell phone rang, and Jamie answered quickly. "Hello?"
"Hi. I got finished with my meeting early. Are you still having lunch?"
"Yeah. Come on over. We’ve got plenty left."
"Will do. Are you in our usual picnic spot?"
"Noooo …" she said. "I’d play hide and seek, but you’d never find us."
"Do tell," Ryan said.
"We’re in the back yard of University House," Jamie said, and waited for her partner’s reaction.
"Uhm … honey …? Why are you in the Chancellor’s back yard?"
"I’ll tell you when you get here. Hurry up, Tiger."
Jamie smiled at her mom and said, "She’s coming over to join us."
"Seeing how your face lights up when you hear her voice says volumes about your bond, Jamie. This will all work out in the end."
"I hope so, Mom. I miss her." She gave her mother a small smile and said, "I didn’t see her get dressed today, but if she’s in her normal winter attire, you’re going to think she’s gone mad."
"Why’s that, honey?"
"Well, she hates the fact that most of the classrooms are heated. She’s antagonistic to artificial heat. Heck, she doesn’t even like to have the furnace on unless you can see your breath in the house. Ryan’s a firm believer that a cool house is a very good thing. Anyway, she’d rather be cold than hot, so she dresses so she’s comfortable in the heated classroom. In my opinion she looks more than a little odd …"
Catherine twitched her head as she caught sight of a mass of dark hair flying in the breeze as Ryan scampered along the path, panting slightly. "Did you run the whole way?" Catherine asked when the pink-cheeked woman gave her a kiss and sat next to Jamie.
"Yep," she said, kicking her feet out. Ryan had on a snug, short-sleeved, navy blue knit shirt and a pair of khaki-colored cargo shorts – an outfit that would have been perfectly suited for a 70 degree day. But it was around 50 degrees, heavily overcast, and breezy, with a decided threat of rain. To provide a little more warmth to her extremities, she also had on her bright yellow sleeveless fleece vest, a navy blue knit cap, heavy socks, and a pair of hiking boots.
Patting her exposed knee, Catherine said, "You look like you’re getting ready to hike up in the Alps on a warm spring day. Aren’t you cold?"
"Nah. Running over here will have heated me up enough to last through lunch."
"Are you pressed for time?" Catherine asked. "Or do you just like to run everywhere you go?"
"No, not really. I was just trying to ditch the reporter that’s been on my … that’s been following me. I lost him in the geology building. I hope he trips on a geode, and breaks his neck."
"You don’t seem to have warmed up to the fellows much," Catherine said.
"Nope. They’re vermin. The legitimate press is long gone. Now we’re stuck with the bottom-feeders." She looked around the massive, beautifully tended garden that gracefully followed the slope of a gentle hill. "Okay, I showed up. Now who wants to tell me why we’re here?"
"I had a meeting with the Chancellor this morning. I told him that I’d brought a picnic lunch, and he suggested that we use his yard. Nice, isn’t it?"
"It is," Ryan said. "But your explanation is less than fully revealing. I didn’t know you had a relationship with the U.C. I thought you were Stanford all the way."
"I have been, up until now," Catherine said. "I just thought it was time to meet the Chancellor."
Ryan narrowed her gaze and crossed her arms over her chest. "Spill it, Catherine. That Mona Lisa smile isn’t gonna cut it."
Patting her leg, Catherine said, "It’s no big deal, Ryan. I wanted to make sure the university was prepared to deal with any security issues that might arise. I wanted the Chancellor to know that if we didn’t like the way things were going, we would hire our own security people."
"Well, what did he say?" she asked.
"He said he’d work with us to make sure you two were protected." She looked at both young women and asked, "How is it going, so far? Are the reporters bothering you?"
"Not much," Ryan said. "They seem to be concentrating on getting my erstwhile classmates to talk about me, since I won’t speak. Oh, I took our phone off the hook, Jamie. There were so many people calling that Mia was starting to lose her sense of humor, and that’s always dangerous."
"No problem," she said. "I only want to talk to people who know my cell number, anyway."
"I think things will be all right, Catherine," Ryan said. "I don’t think you need to call the dogs out."
"All right, dear, but you just let me know if it starts to bother you. We have options."
"Will do."
Catherine watched as Ryan took just a few bites of her lunch, then put her fork down and ignored the tasty meal. Jamie had been watching her as well, and she picked the fork back up and poked around on the plate idly, looking like she was merely playing. Ryan was concentrating on telling Catherine about her independent study, and when the fork traveled near her mouth, she opened and let Jamie put the morsel in. Her response was automatic, and she hardly seemed to notice it was happening. While they chatted, Jamie continued to feed her, with Ryan compliantly opening her mouth and chewing every little bite until the plate was clean.
The concern and care that radiated from the smaller woman was obvious, and Catherine smiled repeatedly at the scene. She was unable to ignore that something was different, however. She had actually seen Jamie feed Ryan bits of food on many occasions, and there was always a teasing, sexual undertone to the habit. She often looked away when they were doing it – finding the practice just a little too intimate for her own comfort. But that element was entirely absent today. Now Jamie seemed more like a nurse trying to unobtrusively get her ailing patient to take in sufficient nutrients. Instead of the easy comfort they normally evinced there now seemed to be an invisible barrier between them – even though they smiled warmly at each other, and teased each other gently. There was just something missing – and she fervently hoped that
the two young lovers would soon rekindle the spark. I know only too well how easy it is to let a problem fester until it’s impossible to be close again.
Part 9
When Ryan came home from school, she went upstairs and found Jamie sitting at her computer. "Homework already?" she asked, squeezing her shoulder.
"No, not much. I’m just working on my schedule. I’ve got a lot going on this term. I’ve really got to manage my time."
Ryan nodded, then sat on the edge of the bed, looking a bit uncomfortable. "I uhm … have a couple of things to talk with you about."
Turning in her chair, Jamie gave her full attention to her partner. "What is it, baby?"
"Uhm … Mia told me that another tabloid story came out. This one has your ex-roommate’s nasty fingerprints on it, too, but it sounds like she’s working with one or two of my very best friends from the basketball team."
"Oh, God," Jamie groaned. "Now what?"
"Well … this is the part that I’m embarrassed about."
"Embarrassed? What do you have to be embarrassed about?"
"I’m embarrassed because I didn’t tell you something that happened when we returned from our vacation. Something kinda important."
Swiveling slightly in her chair, Jamie gazed at her partner and nodded. "Go on. Tell me now."
"I had kind of a meltdown on the day we came back from the Bahamas."
Blonde eyebrows rose dramatically, but Jamie didn’t say a word.
"Coach Hayes told me about the tabloids, and I … flipped out. I started kicking and punching the lockers, and throwing stuff around." She looked down at the floor and said, "I’ve never been that angry in my life. I scared myself, baby, and I think I scared the crap out of Coach Hayes, too. I’m not sure what I did, because I had some sort of a blackout, but I wound up on the floor with Coach wrapped around me."
Again, Jamie didn’t speak, but she got off her chair and sat next to Ryan, wrapping her arms around her partner tightly. "What happened, then?" she asked softly.
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