by Dahlia Adler
Dammit, I really want a cigarette.
“Fine. Just a little ice.”
“You want one?” the other girl asks, and I realize I’ve been staring at the cherry of her cigarette glowing in the dusk.
So, so, badly, but considering Connor risked his job for me, and the boys gave up their home to come here, actually making an effort at quitting smoking seems like the very least I can do for them. “Yes,” I admit, “but I’m on the gum. Thanks.”
“Good girl,” Peacoat says approvingly before taking another drag.
“Well, not so good,” says Jess, and they all crack up again.
Okay, there’s a limit to how much of this shit I have to let myself be put through. I roll my eyes and resume my walk, but Jess quickly rushes over and puts a hand on my arm. “Oh, God, Lizzie, I’m totally kidding. I’m sorry. We’re just having a little fun at Connor’s expense.”
“Well, Connor’s not here right now, so actually, it’s at my expense,” I point out dryly.
“Touché.” The guy grins and sticks out a black-leather-gloved hand. “I’m Bryan, you know Jess, and that’s Cyn.”
I shake it warily. “Apparently, everyone on the Radleigh campus knows who I am, so.”
“Oh, you make it sound so bad,” says Cyn. “Trust me—most of us are just fascinated that there was a decent personality under there somewhere. He’s so much….”
“Nicer?” Bryan fills in.
“I was gonna say funnier,” she says. “Also, hotter. I don’t know what you did, but thanks. Nice to finally get some eye candy around the history department.”
“Hey!”
“Eye candy who wants to fuck my gender,” Cyn amends.
“Oh.” Bryan sniffs. “Fine then.”
“And we all know Jess is a fan,” Cyn says slyly, and Jess whacks her on the arm. I can’t help snorting, and I don’t feel particularly bad about it, after she laughed at me.
“Guess he told you,” Jess says to me, her cheeks pinking up from more than the cold.
“Apparently, Radleigh’s not a great place for keeping secrets,” I reply, though now I do feel a little bad.
She smiles sheepishly. “No kidding. Though he definitely had me fooled. I never would’ve picked him for the type.”
“He isn’t.” I reach into my bag for a piece of gum, because I’m craving nicotine like my next breath all of a sudden. “It just…happened.” My fingers close around the package, and I free a piece and slip it into my mouth. “You guys are all in the history department?”
“Yup,” Bryan confirms.
“Do you…um….do you know—”
“If your boyfriend is completely fucked?”
I wince, nearly swallowing my gum. “Well, not the most delicate way to put it, but yeah, I guess. Has this happened before?”
“A few years ago, there were rumors about one of Rostov’s TAs, but there was never any proof,” says Cyn. She takes one last puff on her cigarette, then drops it to the ground and grinds it under the toe of her boot. “And he certainly didn’t confess.”
“So completely Connor-like to be noble even when he’s breaking the rules.” Bryan rolls his eyes, and then his cigarette joins hers on the pavement. “For real, though, it’s been cool to see him happy. Even with all the stress and stuff, he’s…different. In a good way. Less like he’s dragging his feet through life.”
“Oooh, good way to put it,” says Cyn, pulling lip gloss out her bag and dabbing it on. “That’s totally it.”
“Well, I guess that’s…good?”
“It’s good,” Jess assures me, putting a hand on my arm, her voice surprisingly quiet and serious. “I’ve seen him smile more in the past couple months than in the last three years of this program.”
“Oh.” My stomach flutters at the knowledge that I have that power, that I’m not just this…wrecking ball in the life of Connor Lawson. “Well.” Words seem to have failed me. Mostly, I just want to see him now.
“Man, it’s cold as balls out here,” Bryan mutters. “Let’s go in.” I watch them start toward Nijkamp Hall, then Jess stops and turns.
“Aren’t you coming to see Connor?”
The word “No” dances on my lips, but it seems silly to say. I’m dying to see him. They know we’re together. They obviously expected me to be going up to his apartment, because that’s what girlfriends do. So…what exactly is the point of saying no?
“I guess I can stop in and say hi.” He might be pissed as hell when I do, but that doesn’t seem like something they need to know. I shrug and follow them inside, trying not to smile at the irony of Jess being the one to sign me in, and then say my goodbyes upstairs as they leave me at Connor’s door.
I wait until Jess’s door closes behind her before knocking. This is either going to go really well or really poorly, and I don’t think I want her hearing either one.
• • •
Connor answers after a couple of knocks, clearly not having expected any company. “Elizabeth. What are you doing here?” He looks mildly alarmed to see me. He also looks like crap. Well, more like he feels like crap. Actually, the scruffy, messy-haired, faded-old-pajamas look is working on him something fierce.
“Nice to see you too, sweetheart,” I say with a grin. “Can I come in?”
He steps back, scratching the nape of his neck. “I thought we talked about seeing each other being a bad idea. How’d you even get up here?”
“Do you want me to go?”
“You know I don’t.” He sighs and steps back to let me in. “Water?”
“No, thanks.” I slip off my coat and toss it on one of the stools at the counter. “I just met some of your friends. Cyn, Bryan, and Jess say hi.”
“Lizzie—”
“And before that, I was at the History department. I met with Professor Ozgur.”
“You…what?”
“Yup.” I lean back against the breakfast bar. “And you know what, Connor? They all know.”
“Well, yeah, of course. I—”
“No, Connor.” I fix him with a hard stare. “They all know. Everyone knows. This entire campus knows we’re together. Sophie even sent the fucking video to Ozgur, and you know what? He refused to watch it. Every classmate, every teacher, probably every cafeteria server knows about us. And you know what’s gonna change that? Nothing. So you know the point of us staying apart right now? Nothing.”
His lips twitch. “You make things sound so simple.”
“They aren’t. But here’s the thing. We’re not gonna survive handling this apart. We have to have each other’s backs. If we’re not approaching this that way, what are we even doing?”
He closes his eyes, and I’m afraid he’ll have some great counterargument I hadn’t considered, even though this very speech has been building since I first showed up at Ozgur’s office. But when he opens then, they’re deep-blue calm.
Then he walks up to me, cups my face in his hands, and kisses me long and slow and deep. By the time he pulls back, I’m holding the countertop for dear life.
“You’re right. And I’m sorry.” He rakes a hand through his hair. “I’m trying not to make my problems your problems, but I guess that ship has sailed.”
“That ship has Bermuda Triangle’d.”
He brushes a hand over the top of my head, stroking my hair, my cheek. “So now what?”
I rise on my toes as if to kiss him again, but graze his ear with my lips instead. “Now you bend me over this counter, or throw me on your bed—I don’t care—and fuck me.” He groans as I reach down and wrap my hand around the rapidly forming tent in his sweatpants. “You have a hot, young girlfriend who gets wet at the mere sight of you. Who’s your partner for as long as you’ll have her. Stop feeling bad about it and fucking own it, Connor.”
“Sounds pretty damn miraculous when you put it that way,” he murmurs, his hands coasting up my skin as he slides my sweater up and over my head, taking care not to knock off my glasses.
“Exactly.
Which is why fucking said girlfriend’s brains out is of the utmost importance right now.”
“I like those brains, though,” he says between hot, sucking kisses on my neck.
“I’ll grow new ones.” I pull his shirt up and off while he attacks the button of my jeans, and all I can think is how stupid we are for not having been doing this every minute humanly possible. He kisses me breathless, then dashes away, but he’s back with a condom before I can even voice a coherent protest.
“Always the responsible adult,” I tease through heavy breaths as I watch him roll it on.
He raises an eyebrow at the irony, then spins me around, braces me against the counter, and presses up against me. “Ready?”
“God, yes.”
He slides in with one thrust, which might’ve been painful if I hadn’t been hoping for it, expecting it, needing it. He fucks me hard and fast, and even as his breathing and moaning suggests just how rapidly he’s losing control, I know this is probably the only time we’ll do it like this. I’m not all that sorry about it. I used to prefer it quick and rough, when I was with Trevor or some random guy at a party.
I used to like a lot of things that don’t fit into my lifestyle anymore.
He realizes too late that I’m not gonna come as quickly as he is, but I don’t care. This feels like the first day of…I don’t even know what, but I know we have plenty of time ahead for perfect sex and perfect words. Or not.
Honestly, perfection’s always seemed sort of boring.
When he does come, and I don’t, he immediately apologizes, which makes me laugh. “You’ll make it up to me,” I tell him with a grin, swatting his hand away and pulling my jeans back up from where he abandoned them mid-thigh. “I need to get back. I hadn’t actually planned to stop by here at all.”
“I’m glad you did.” He disposes of the condom and slips back in to his boxers and pants, though he leaves his shirt lying on the floor where I carelessly discarded it and possibly even ripped it. Oops. “Especially given the next time I’ll see you will probably be at your final. If I’m still allowed,” he adds wryly.
I want to assure him he will be, but obviously I have no clue, so I just give him as reassuring a kiss as I can before sliding my sweater back on and wrapping myself back up in my coat and scarf to head out into the bitter December wind. “Call me when you know more,” I say as he walks me to the door.
“I will.” We kiss once more, and then I head back home, forcing myself to put all of this out of my head. There’s nothing more I can do for him. I need to get my brothers now. And I need to study. Because none of this will matter if I get tossed out on my ass.
And as much as I’ve been playing with fire lately, that’s just one burn I cannot risk.
Things have been strained with the boys since they came back, but when I pick them up today, there’s an extra layer of nervousness surrounding them that sets me on edge. Even when we get home, there’s no fighting over the TV, or the fact that we’re having takeout again so I can study, or anything. In fact, they’re creepy quiet, sitting docilely on the couch with books I can’t imagine they’re really reading, and it’s freaking me out. “What?” I demand, coming out of my room after an hour of waiting for a bomb to go off.
“Nothing,” says Ty with a shrug. “We’re reading.”
I resist the urge to say “Bullshit” with Max in the room. “What are you two up to? If you’re thinking of disappearing again—”
“We’re not,” Ty insists flatly, and I know Nancy must’ve given them an earful, because Lord knows I haven’t had the strength to.
Max is suspiciously quiet.
“What am I missing here?”
I watch Ty and Max exchange a glance, and it is so, so weird. What’s with the constant conspiracies? When did my brothers even get old enough to conspire? What the hell is going on here?
Finally, Ty says, “Um, Nancy wants you to call her.”
“Why didn’t she just call my cell?”
“Just…call her, okay?”
Max’s head is bent so far over his book I doubt he can even see words at this point.
I really, really have to study, but it’s obvious I’m not going to get anything done until I make this mysterious call. “Fine.” I pull out my cell phone and start to dial Nancy when I see the boys sliding off the couch and going into their room. I don’t even have time to ask what the hell is happening before I’m greeted by her familiar friendly voice.
“Apparently, you have something urgent to discuss with me,” I say as I take a seat on the couch and curl my legs up underneath me. “Is everything okay?”
“Everything is fine,” she assures me, and I breathe a little easier. “But yes, I did just talk to the boys about something, and I want to talk to you about it too.” She sighs. “I wasn’t sure which order to have the conversation in, so I’m hoping I did this correctly. The last thing I want is for you to be upset with me. Or with the boys.”
“Now you’re just making me nervous, Nancy.” I squeeze the cushion beneath me and then release it, squeeze then release—a makeshift stress ball. “Out with it, please.”
“I think it’s become clear that this is not the best arrangement for everybody. For anybody, really,” she says softly. “Not that you haven’t done great with the boys,” she adds quickly, which only slightly soothes the sting of her words, “but obviously, they miss being home and seeing their friends. And you…you clearly have so much going on right now, and your new relationship, and you’re getting back on track with school…. This can’t be good for you.”
“We never really thought this would be good for me,” I remind her, taking care to keep my voice low so the boys can’t hear. “But there’s no alternative.”
“Well, that’s the thing. I think there might be.” I hear her shifting on the other end. “It’s true that both boys would probably be too much for me, but I bumped into Linda Markson—Jake’s mother—at the supermarket last week, and she was telling me how nice it’s been to see Tyler lately. One thing led to another, and she offered to let Tyler stay with her next semester.”
Tyler. In Pomona. Back at the old school he actually liked. Living with his best friend and a mother who actually knows what the hell she’s doing. It’s crazy to think about, but God, that does sound so much better than anything I have to offer. “What about Max?”
“Max would stay with me,” says Nancy, and I can hear the smile in her voice at the thought. “He and Pete would both love it, and I could certainly use the company. I may not be able to chase after kids like I used to, but with only one…I think I could. I really think I could. And I’m sure his friends’ parents would be happy to help too. So would your parents’ old friends, of course.”
“And…they want this?”
“It does seem like they do.” Her tone is careful, and I know she’s still worried about upsetting me. I also know I shouldn’t be upset, that this makes sense, that it’s what they were trying to tell me all along with their idiotic caper. That it’s actually kind of a reprieve.
But I can’t help feeling like it means I’ve failed them.
And I can’t help feeling a little jealous that they’ll both have parents around, and I’ll just be here. Floating. Little Orphan Lizzie.
“If it’s what they want,” I say slowly, “and everyone’s on board, and their old school will take them back…then what else is there to talk about, really?”
“You know you’ll be welcome to stay here anytime too, right, Lizzie? You’ll never be without a home, even after you sell the house.”
Something I have to do soon, I know. I can’t even think about it without tearing up, and now isn’t the time. “Thanks, Nancy.” I want it to be enough, but of course it isn’t; what possibly could be, after everything? “And thank you, for working this out for the boys, and taking Max.”
“Well, this still depends on you, too, Lizzie. Are you okay with this? I assumed it would make life easier for you.”
; It will. I know it will. But it sounds so lonely now, especially since I’ve already forfeited my spot in my old dorm room for next semester. I’ll be stuck in a two-bedroom apartment by myself, and as for whether Connor will even still be here with me…yet another thing I can’t afford to think about right now. “Yes,” I say, because there isn’t any other answer. I can’t be a mother right now. I suck at it. I’m turning nineteen, and finally just barely starting to figure myself out in this place. Nancy’s right—this is the best thing for everyone. “You’re right. It’s sad, and I’ll miss the hell out of them, but….”
Even as I agree with her, tears prick at my eyes as I contemplate being on my own again. The thought of the entire Brandt family being dispersed breaks my heart.
But nothing’s gonna bring us all back together at this point. There’s nothing we can do but make the most of the loved ones willing to take us in.
I just really, really hope mine is still here when I need him the most.
“You should talk to the boys,” Nancy says gently. “Make this decision together. And study, of course—I don’t want to take up any more of your time. I’m sure your head’s about to explode.”
I nod, then realize she can’t see me, and offer a weak “Yeah” before promising to call her again later that week. Arrangements will need to be made to transfer the boys back, and we’ll need to figure out some sort of financial arrangement with the Marksons, not to mention the house sale. My head is swimming, and I haven’t even opened my books yet.
“Ty! Max! Get out here!” I call, dropping my head into my hands and rubbing my temples.
The door opens slowly, and I don’t even have to turn around to know that Ty is peeking out first. “Are you mad?” Max asks, sounding legitimately scared as they return to the living room.
“Of course I’m not mad,” I say with a sigh. “I’m sorry I was a sucky replacement for Mom and Dad. I’m sorry I couldn’t make this place home.”
“You didn’t suck, Lizzie,” says Ty. “You can’t make this place home because it isn’t home. It’s college. You should be…college-ing stuff. With Connor.”