by S FEATES
''I did it with a red hot screwdriver, there's nothing like pain to focus the mind Steve.'' He was actually serious about it.
''It would focus mine for sure,'' I didn't know what else to say, ''That must have hurt like a bitc...'' I just managed to stop myself from offending his sensitivities further.
''That's the point. Anyway where were we, ah yes Oxford. 1977 I moved to the UK and set up in business and in the early eighties I met my wife to be, Amy. It was a whirlwind romance and we soon married but it was short lived and she was taken from me by cancer three years later. I was devastated by the loss and I'm not ashamed to admit it my life spiralled out of control, drink took hold of me and I lost everything. Eventually I straightened myself out and started again. I needed money though and the only place I could borrow it was via some very unsavoury gentlemen who expected a good return on their investment. They knew that I could be of service to them and they made it very clear what they wanted and what would happen if I didn't comply. I ended up disposing of certain individuals on their behalf, some already dead and others I was obliged to kill for them. I soon became successful in the funeral business again which lead me to revive the vigilante side of my nature, sometimes paid and sometimes for free but always with justice in mind. I was still under the control of my paymasters and they insisted that I move nearer to their centre of operations so I relocated to Richmond. That brings us up to date I think, I am now seventy years old and I want to retire, I think it is safe for me to return to the States now and the time is right to hand over the reins. You have all the qualifications to take over from me and I have cleared it with my associates. I have been ordered to stay on for two years to guide you through the process and then I can go. I have accumulated enough personal wealth to walk away without you having to contribute. You will be beholden to the same people I am so you must think long and hard before committing to it, but believe me the rewards are worth it.''
I was stuck for words but did have a couple of questions.
''I take it you do run a legitimate funeral service as a front for your real business? Do you have reliable staff who know what's what or are they separate from your private business?''
''Yes of course I provide a full professional funeral service for the public, my staff have no idea what I do in my own time and I make sure it stays that way.'' Howard paused as something else occurred to him. ''You will of course have to move over to Richmond, there is a comfortable flat above the premises that is empty and all yours should you take the position.''
This was unexpected I wasn't planning on moving away from Brentwood or the extra benefits provided by Sylvie. But then again this was a golden opportunity, I could still pursue my dream job of hired killer plus have the benefit of a guaranteed wedge coming in on a regular basis. The accommodation would be free and I would have a legitimate cover for my earnings. Win, Win!
''You must come to Richmond before you make a decision Steve. Have a look at the setup and then decide.''
It made sense. ''Ok I will. When can I come and have a look?''
''Give me a couple of days and then come, say Wednesday at three, you can stay over at the flat and get a feel for the place.'' Howard smiled for the first time since we met as he handed me a card with his Richmond address written on it.
14
The journey home to Brentwood was tedious and my mind was buzzing with all the new information that Howard had told me. He was one odd individual that's for certain. I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing but it wouldn't hurt to go to Richmond and take a look. I was more concerned with the mysterious associates that he kept referring to, obviously they were criminals and highly organised. They sounded like dangerous men and I would be at their beck and call night and day by the sound of it. The rewards would have to be out of this world to make it worth all the aggravation. I would not say anything to Sylvie until I had been to see Howard's gaff.
It had been several weeks now since I made my first kill and so far there had been no comebacks. The only blot on an otherwise clear landscape was Jackie Nolan's brother Toby, he was still insistent that his sister would not kill herself and he was even alluding to the fact that the twins were not fathered by Tony. It was still a few weeks until the inquest into the death of Jackie Nolan and the last thing I, or Tony, needed was this tosser making a nuisance of himself. It all stopped though when Toby's friend and father of the twins met with an unfortunate accident. James Trevillion was walking home late one night slightly the worse for drinking champagne at his club, he was just about to descend a long flight of concrete steps when a stranger walked up behind him, whispered in his ear ''Tony Nolan sends his regards,'' before pushing him. There were no witnesses as it was late at night and the area was very dark with no CCTV. Eventually a passerby did find Trevillion lying at the foot of the stairs and called an ambulance. He was taken to hospital where it was confirmed that he had sustained severe head trauma and a broken back. There would most likely be some loss of memory due to the brain damage and he would be unlikely to walk again as he was paralysed from the waist down. The doctors said the fall was most probably down to his high level of intoxication and as Trevillion couldn't remember being pushed he couldn't argue any different. Toby Hartley-James had another theory but he kept quiet, in fact he never said another word about his friend's accident or his sisters suicide. He was too scared.
Wednesday came and I set off for Richmond. Sylvie had Jackie, I had paid her in advance and my body was still coming to terms with the previous night's sexual gymnastics. God was she athletic for a woman of her age. The address Howard had given me was in Water Lane, as I drove along the road looking for his premises I passed a sign for a bar with the unappealing name of the Slug and Lettuce and made a mental note not to go there for lunch. The funeral parlour was nearby. Water Lane was close to the River Thames and the whole area was very picturesque. Richmond is a very historic town in south-west London, Henry VII had built a palace there and gave it the name Richmond Palace. Slowly the town developed around it and Richmond was born. From my first impressions I liked it immediately and could see myself living there.
I pulled up outside the funeral parlour, the sign outside read REST ASSURED, no wonder I couldn't find it on Google. A strange name for a funeral business but then he was an American, maybe it was normal over in the States. I got out of the Audi and entered the old Victorian building. An elderly, grey haired lady seated at a large antique looking desk looked up at me over the top of her pince-nez glasses as she heard someone come in.
She stood up as she said. ''Good afternoon Sir, may I be of assistance. My name is Grace.'' She smiled warmly at me, her demeanour programmed for the reception of the distraught relatives of the recently deceased.
''Hello, my name is Steve Black and I have a three o'clock appointment with Mr Saltman, I am slightly early.'' I smiled back at her. I liked Grace she struck me as the perfect person to be doing such a harrowing job. She appeared to me to be compassionate and experienced.
''Ah yes Mr Black, Howard told me to expect you. Come through to the back and I will make you a cup of tea, you must be parched after that long drive from Essex.'' She was obviously well briefed.
''Yes, thanks I could do with a brew. Is Howard here?''
''Of course, he is just attending to Mr Jeffers, poor man was found dead at home a week ago and nobody has claimed him. Howard is preparing him for his funeral tomorrow. Sugar and milk?''
I said yes to both and settled into a comfortable armchair while she prepared the beverage. We passed the time with small talk until Howard stuck his head around the door and invited me through to his office. I thanked Grace for her hospitality and followed him.
''What a lovely lady.'' I said to Howard when we were alone.
''She certainly is, they broke the mould when they made her for sure. I wouldn't part with her for the world, she knows this business inside and out. Been here longer than me, she's a fine Christian woman'' He laughed as he sung her praises. ''
Finish your tea and I will show you round the place.''
I drained the cup and we began the tour. Having already seen the reception area where Grace sat behind her desk we entered the room next door which was the casket selection room, in here Howard explained that clients could view various examples of coffins, urns and memoriam products. I followed him through to the small Chapel where clients could pause to reflect, before or after viewing the bodies of their loved ones. The room was large enough to hold around eight people, there were chairs for that many, set up in two rows in front of a long table covered with a white cloth on which stood a large brass crucifix flanked on either side by large white candles and small floral arrangements. Behind the table the room was lit by a large stained glass window that filled the Chapel with a kaleidoscope of colour which gave it a certain tranquillity. As we moved between the rooms Howard informed me that there was a hearse and two limousines parked in bays behind the premises along with a black Mercedes Viano that he used to pick up bodies from houses or hospitals, it was discrete and preferable to turning up in the hearse. Next to the Chapel was the viewing room where the coffin would be positioned on a marble pedestal for the bereaved to spend time with the deceased. The room was well lit and there was an option to have subtle piped music playing in the background. Most times though people preferred to view in silence with just their thoughts. The rest of the facilities were housed in the building next door, Howard took me there next.
The second building was accessed by the backdoor, the front door from the main street had been bricked up, as had the front windows. This building housed the preparation room for embalming, the cold store for the storage of bodies and a small room that contained a compact incinerator with a filter system for the emissions. Howard had a license for burning small amounts of medical waste, which proved very useful for his private practices.
''That more or less completes the tour of the business,'' Howard said, ''I will show you the living quarters shortly. Do you have any questions Steve?''
''How many staff do you keep?'' I had only seen Grace and wondered if there were any other full time employees.
''There is just me and Grace. I do have a group of men that I call on for pall bearing duties but they are paid on the day. They are all retired gentlemen who do it for the extra cash. There is one other person I call on now and again and that is Jenny Groves, a licensed cosmetologist. She does any cossetting work that I need, she is a lovely young lady, only twenty eight and very talented when it comes to making the deceased look presentable. Sometimes, as you are aware, the bodies we receive are not always in the best of condition depending on the manner of death. Jenny works from photos supplied by relatives and she, somehow, always manages to capture the very essence of them. It's an art form for sure. I will introduce you to her if you are taking the job.''
I liked the sound of Jenny Groves and would indeed like an introduction. ''You do all your own embalming too?''
''Oh yes, I have had a license for many years, we have all the latest equipment as you saw in the embalming room. Tanks, pumps, aspirators and a couple of mortuary tables for the busy periods,'' he was very proud of the services he offered his clients, ''the formaldehyde, glutaraldehyde and methanol are locked away for safety, they are dangerous chemicals in the wrong hands. I am very safety conscious and also it is a legal requirement.''
I was impressed with the setup. ''You certainly have all the bases covered Howard, very efficient.''
''Efficient and environmentally friendly too. It's very important to me that the materials used here do not impact on the world around us. There is far too much damage being done by mankind to our fragile Earth and I will not join in with its destruction, I am passionate about it. It may cost more for the materials but as far as I am concerned it's worth it and non negotiable.'' He was adamant about the subject. ''Enough about that, let's go upstairs to the flat.''
The flat was bigger than I had anticipated, there were two bedrooms a kitchen, lounge, bathroom and plenty of storage. It was furnished quite tastefully but had an air of neglect about it.
''How long since anybody lived here?'' I asked as I looked around.
''Several years, I used to live up here when I first bought the premises but then after a time, and when I had made enough money, I purchased a house just outside town near Richmond park. Lovely area and very quiet. The flat has been empty ever since. I do have it cleaned on a regular basis, a local woman comes in now and again and cleans up here and the business downstairs. Well what do you think, can you see yourself living here?''
''I certainly can. How do you feel about pets?'' I wanted to bring Jackie with me, I couldn't part with my lucky charm.
''What sort of pet did you have in mind?'' Howard looked worried by my question.
''I have a Siamese cat called Jackie, he's been with me for a while now and I have grown rather attached to him. Could I have him here? He's no trouble and fully house trained.''
''That's fine by me Steve. I like animals even though I don't have a pet myself and I won't deny you the pleasure.''
''Thanks, the idea of living here is becoming more attractive by the minute.'' I smiled.
We went back downstairs to Howard's office where Grace had left us a pot of tea. When we were alone we talked about the dark side of his business.
''How much does Grace know about your other work?''
''Nothing at all. I heard her mention Mr Jeffers to you when you arrived. She is under the illusion that he was an unfortunate homeless man who has not been claimed by his family. Not true, he was a former employee of the people who I work for and it seems he crossed a line with them and they had to eliminate him. I was called out to an abandoned warehouse yesterday evening to collect the body for disposal. Mr Jeffers, not his real name, had been shot at close range in the back of the head and the exit wound had taken out most of his nose and his eyes. I doubt even the talented Miss Groves would be skilled enough to rebuild his face. God knows what he was shot with to cause that amount of damage, a Magnum 45 would be my guess.''
I was shocked, this was a world way beyond the one I inhabited. The level of violence inflicted was disproportionate to anything I did when I had killed.
''I don't know what his crime was but that is not my concern I just do as I am told. I have also had people brought to me for removal that have still been very much alive and kicking. It is also part of my remit to despatch them. I generally use a humane method for the purpose, I inject them with a powerful sedative, I favour Nembutal it's a barbiturate, injectable and given in a high enough dose can cause respiratory death. It has been used in the States for executing prisoners in the past. I don't always condone the practice of making people suffer unnecessarily. If I have any clients of my own who require the specialised service that I offer I also use the same method on their behalf. We are in the ideal business to make people disappear without trace. I always strip them and burn any effects or clothing, that's why I have had the incinerator installed. The cremation of the body means there will never be any evidence turning up at a later date, no body means no autopsy and therefore in the eyes of the law no crime. I have established a reputation for perfection and so I get plenty of custom.''
''How do you dispose of so many unexplained bodies, surely the crematorium must get suspicious? There must be records kept.'' I was in awe of this man's system for dealing out death but couldn't believe it was so easy. It was like a well oiled machine.
''I have a contract with local government and as you know there are many homeless and nameless people who inhabit the streets of a large city and they do unfortunately die. They have to be disposed of and the government pays. I have the licence to provide the service and it really is that easy to fake the paperwork and slip a few extra funerals in. The crematoriums get paid by the same people as I do so nobody rocks the boat. The services are attended by the minimum amount of people required to carry out the procedure and they are never reported in the papers. It's all a matter of publ
ic health and safety.''
You couldn't make this stuff up. There was only one thing left to discuss, the mysterious associates who ran Howard Saltman's life and business.
''Will I get an introduction to your associates?''
''Are you taking the job? They won't speak to you until you commit.''
I was in a catch 22, if I said yes and I didn't like these people then I was probably dead and if I said I wouldn't take the job until I met with them I would be shown the door. I had no choice, I had to bite the bullet.
''Yes I will be your assistant with a view to taking over the business. Set up a meet with your people and I will start as soon as you like.'' I was committed.
''Excellent Steve! Welcome to the team. I will arrange a meeting next week. You can start Monday, that will give you time to vacate your apartment in Essex, I'm sure Sylvie won't mind.''
He knew Sylvie as well! I was constantly amazed that so many people knew all about my business. Now I had to go and tell her I was leaving, unless she already knew. It would not have surprised me if she did!
15
I had stayed the night in the flat above the funeral parlour and I must say it was very comfortable and felt like home, I was really looking forward to moving in. I had breakfast with Howard at a local coffee shop and then we parted company, I had to get back to Brentwood to break the news to Sylvie. Howard had invited me to the crematorium to witness the disposal of Mr Jeffers but I declined. I was eager to get back.
Sylvie was waiting for me when I arrived back in Brentwood. I was taken by surprise as she opened my front door just as I was about to put the key in the lock.
''Hello Sylv,'' I said, ''nothing wrong is there? Is Jackie ok?'' I was worried that she knew that I was leaving and she had already packed my bags, ready to throw me out.