by Ann Garner
“We’d argued before, Grant.”
“But I’d never pictured hitting you before.”
That draws me up short. “Grant, you wouldn’t have hit me.”
“No, Grace, you don’t know. You don’t understand. I pictured it in my head. I was so mad, so pissed, but I couldn’t even remember why. I just remember having all that rage building up inside of me, and you were standing there yelling at me for yelling at you and in my head I saw myself reach out and hit you, just to get you to stop talking.” He lays his hands out flat again, frowning down at them as they curl into fists, and then laying them out flat again. “What was I supposed to do?”
“Talk to me?” I suggest softly. “Grant, you didn’t hit me.”
“But,”
“No,” I interrupt him. “It doesn’t matter what you thought, Grant. Jesus, I’ve imagined smothering you in your sleep a million times since you broke up with me.”
“But you don’t come from a murderer, Grace. I come from an abuser, I could be like him.”
He honestly believed he had that inside of him. He honestly thought that one day he was going to turn into his father. That was why he had broken up with me. The thrill of knowing that it wasn’t because I wasn’t enough was buried under the knowledge that Grant thought he was some sort of monster.
That he thought he was similar in some way to the man that had beaten him, similar to the man that had taken Delaney.
“You aren’t him, Grant. You will never be him. You don’t have that inside of you.” I grip his hands in mine. “You are one of the greatest guys I’ve ever known.” I offer a smile. “You’d have to be for me to love you.”
Wrong thing to say, I think, when his head snaps up and his eyes pin mine. Totally wrong thing to, say. I drop his hands, leaning away, “No, Grant.”
“You said you love me.”
Shaking my head, my denial is instant. “You misunderstood what I’m trying to say.” I shift to the opposite end of the couch, putting more distance between us.
“What are you trying to say?”
“Grant,” I pause, trying to figure out exactly how to explain to him. “I do love you. I always will, but not the way you think. Not the way you want. ”
I’m not alarmed when he moves, not worried at all when he shifts closer to me. This is Grant, and I meant what I said when I’d told him I never believed he would physically hurt me.
I wasn’t, however, prepared for him to kiss me.
Shock holds me immobile as his lips move against mine. Familiarity and warmth swarm me. We’ve kissed so many times, just like this. Soft and slow, easing into the passion that would slither through me. Only this time there is none of that, no edge of desire waiting to move in, no hint of anything beyond that familiarity and initial warmth.
It hits me suddenly, that I haven’t moved away, and in response to that he has started moving closer to me. One of his large hands has moved up to cup my cheek. The touch of his fingers on my face jerks me into action. Yanking my head back, I nearly topple off the couch in my effort to break the contact between us. I wipe my hand across my mouth, watching him closely.
“It’s over between us, Grant.” I tell him, scrambling off the couch. “You decided to end things.”
“I still love you.”
Damn it. Damn it all to fucking hell. I wanted to hate him for putting me in this position, but I couldn’t. Because sadly enough, him putting me in this position had led me to Jacob. Where months ago I had felt like he had ended my world by breaking up with me, now I felt like he had given me a gift.
Probably not a good idea to tell him that though.
“I’m sorry, Grant.” I finally tell him. “I’m sorry, but I’m not in love with you.”
His head drops. “Jacob.” He lifts his head again, eyes meeting mine. “This is about Jacob.”
I shake my head, “It’s not. Not really, Grant. It’s about me.”
“You love him.” He insists. “You love him, and not me. I fucked everything up between us.”
“Grant, listen to me. You need to move on. You need to let me go.”
He’s silent for just a heartbeat. “He makes you happy.”
“I make me happy. Jacob is a bonus.”
Chapter Twenty Five
There is a moment where I question my own sanity.
Standing in front of Jacob’s bedroom door, hand raised and poised to knock, I wonder briefly what he is going to think about me standing there. At two in the fucking morning. Without any warning that I was coming whatsoever.
But I couldn’t stay in that apartment any longer.
I had told Delany that I would be there for her. I was ashamed to say that I had struggled to be there like I had promised. I had struggled to maintain any sort of strength that I could lend her. I was haunted by the memory of her screaming, crying for someone to come and help her. The childlike pleas were going to echo through my own nightmares for some time to come.
I let my hand fall to my side, dropping my forehead against the door as a fresh well of tears bubbles up inside of me. I try to choke them back. I’ve cried an ocean full of tears over the last few days. Hiding in my room, standing in the shower, trying in vain to keep quiet so Delaney wouldn’t hear me. I wanted to only give her strength, and I hadn’t been prepared to feel quite so helpless.
Grant had left after the first night, and though I felt bad because Cole could have used the support, I was glad for my sake that he wasn’t there.
For the last two days I had worried and stressed over what I was going to say to Jacob regarding Grant. I had promised him I wouldn’t go back to Grant, and even though I hadn’t technically broken that promise, I was afraid that he wouldn’t see it that way.
Grant’s kiss had meant nothing to me. I was happy to finally know that he hadn’t broke up with me because I hadn’t been enough. I just didn’t think there was any reason for me to make a bigger deal of the kiss than it was, which meant there was no reason for me to tell Jacob anything about what happened.
Or at least that was what I kept telling myself.
I pull in a shallow breath, and forgo knocking to just push the door open. Knocking would have been stupid and pointless. It’s not like I had worried about knocking before now.
There is a faint light spilling out of the bathroom, casting the rest of the room into shadows. Jacob is sprawled across the bed on his back, one arm thrown across his eyes, muscles stretched tight across that side.
He looks so peaceful lying there.
I kick my sneakers off as I move across the room, pulling my sweatshirt up and over my body so I’m left in my tank and sweat pants before I crawl in next to him. I move right up against him, relishing in the warmth of his body. I’ve felt so cold the last three days. I emit a little sigh as I settle my head on his chest. His arm drops around my waist, pulling me tighter against him.
“Grace?” His voice is gruff with sleep. “Everything okay?”
Unsure how to answer, I remain quiet.
“Grace?” He calls again softly when I don’t answer him. When I still don’t answer he shifts, moving so we are lying face to face, my head now on the pillow next to his. “Talk to me, pretty girl.” He brushes my hair away from my face, tucking it behind my ear before his thumbs run across my cheekbones, eyes intent on mine even in the dark.
I feel the slick slide of the first tear sneak its way across my face, as the stress of the last few days settles over me. His thumb moves down, brushing across it and spreading the moisture against my skin.
“What do you need me to do?”
“Exactly what you’re doing.” I whisper. “Just don’t let go, okay?”
“Okay.”
His arms tighten again, pulling me closer against him. I bury my head against his chest as more silent tears slip away. Jacob continues to hold me, one hand moving up and down my back as he whispers words I can’t really understand in my ear. I don’t need to hear them to understand the comfort behind t
hem.
***
I must have fallen asleep at some point, because the next thing I know Jacob’s alarm is beeping, and he’s shifting around me, trying to turn it off as quickly as possible. I hear him curse under his breath as his hand smacks down on the alarm clock several times before the beeping finally stops. Jacob lies back on the bed, tugging me against him again.
“Do you need to get up?” My voice cracks, weakened by the ocean of tears I’ve shed over the last several days. His fingers are dancing up and down along my back, just barely brushing against the skin above my tank top.
“Not yet.”
“Okay.” I know he has class soon, and it’s important not to miss this close to finals. I’d missed the last three days with Delaney, and couldn’t afford to skip any more. But the thought of crawling out of this bed right now is not even remotely appealing. I burrow closer against him. Short of crawling inside of him, I’m not sure I can get any closer.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
His fingers dance back up along my spine, tangling in my hair, his thumb brushing along the nape of my neck right at my hairline. I close my eyes, letting the soothing contact wash over me.
“It was heartbreaking, Jacob.” I whisper. His lips brush over my forehead. “Every time she screamed,” I trail off shaking my head. “I had no fucking idea what I was doing.”
“You were there, Grace. I don’t think Cole or Delaney expected any more than that.”
“It just made it so real, you know? Like, I’d read the articles and I knew basically what happened, but now I know what happened. Or at least how terrified she was.” Shaking my head, I wish I could go back to before. “I felt useless.”
“I’m sure they were both just glad you were there.”
I tilt my head back so I can look at him. His fingers slip out of my hair, moving down to curve around the back of my neck. “I just wish there was something more I could have done.”
“I know.” He lays another kiss against my forehead. “After class go pack a bag and come back here with me tonight, okay? I’ll pick up some food and we can study for finals.”
“That sounds perfect.”
“I’m a perfect kind of guy.”
A shotgun of laughter bursts out. “Modest too.” I say before rolling out of his bed. I snag my sweatshirt off the floor, pulling it over my head quickly before reaching for my tennis shoes. Jacob has settled up against the headboard, the blankets pooling around his waist.
I wonder if he knows the absolutely sexy picture he makes sitting there like that. His hair is tousled from sleep, his eyes still slightly hooded from sleep, and that damn blanket laying so low on his body that his lean hips are visible, along with the side of one muscled thigh. I take three steps across the room, cupping his face in both of my hands; I keep my gaze locked on his as I move in bringing my face closer to his.
“How did I get so lucky to find you?” I asked him, before laying my lips on his.
I’d meant it to be a soft kiss. A sweet kiss to show him how much I appreciated him just holding me and letting me cry all night. It had been exactly what I needed.
I swear, I had planned for it to just be a small little kiss, but the minute my mouth touches his everything changes. The need to feel whole, to wipe away the lingering darkness overwhelms me and my hands slide up his face, moving into his hair to hold him in place. I feel myself leaning further into him, teasing his mouth open with my own.
I sink into the kiss, molding my mouth against his as I let the heat that being with him like this brings wipe out the rest of the cold that had swallowed me whole the last three days. I sigh softly when his hands snake under my sweatshirt and the tank beneath, skimming over my back before moving to settle along my hips. He gives me a gentle tug and suddenly I’m sprawled across him. I pull back letting his beautiful blue eyes lock on to mine.
“We have class.”
His grin is wicked as it pulls across his face. “Your point would be?”
“You’re a bad influence, Jacob Ross.”
Instead of answering he tilts forward, his mouth taking possession of mine again. I maneuver myself around so I’m straddling Jacob instead of just leaning against him. When his hands move, dipping under the edge of my sweatpants, my entire body shakes with the shiver of pure ecstasy that moves through me.
He lowers his head, teeth skimming along the sensitive skin of my neck. Groaning I drop my head back, exposing more of my neck to him as his tongue moves up the same path he’d just come down.
A gasp escapes as his mouth closes over my ear the same time his hand snakes down the front of my sweats, fingers sliding over the slick skin he finds waiting for him. I can feel my entire body tense, pulling tight at the swirl of pleasure that pulses through every inch of skin as his fingers settle into a rhythm that brings me dangerously close to the edge.
“Jacob?” Is that breathy voice seriously mine? My hands close around his shoulders, nails digging into solid muscle as I try to remember exactly it was I had been about to say. His fingers slide further down, moving in and out while his thumb brushes along the absolute most sensitive part of my entire body. “You have to, oh Jesus, you have to stop, Jacob.”
“Where’s the fun in that?”
“I,” holy mother of God, his free hand slides down to cup under my ass, fingers squeezing softly as his mouth lowers to the pulse point at my neck. “I won’t last.” I finally manage to gasp out. “I’m too close already.”
“Let me do this for you, Grace.” I can feel the vibrations of his words against my skin. “Let me love you.”
I feel my eyes widen at his words. Thank goodness he can’t see them with the way my head is tilted back to give him access to my neck. Let him love me?
The female brain is a ridiculous thing. I’m two seconds from exploding, and now I’m analyzing what he means when he says ‘Let me love you.’ Like really love me or just love me? Because those four little words could go in two totally different directions.
“Pixie,” his voice breaks through the fog surrounding me, “let go.” His fingers pump in and out twice more before I can’t hold out any longer. My back arches, every square inch of my body bursting with tiny pin pricks of pleasure, before my muscles loosen again, my body slumping against his. My forehead falls into the crook of his neck. Breathing heavily I shift my head until my cheek is pressed against his chest.
“Give me a second,” I breathe out. “Just a second to return to Earth and I’ll help you out with this.” One quick swirl of my hips confirms exactly what I’m talking about.
“Hmm.” Jacob brushes my hair off my face. “We have class. This was about you.” He leans in, dropping a quick kiss on my lips, but he doesn’t let me turn it in to anything else. His eyes are full of mischief when he sets me off his lap. “I need to take a shower, Pix, and you aren’t invited.”
“That’s too bad. I have excellent water skills.”
Chapter Twenty Six
It’s pretty sad to admit that the entire last thirty minutes of my biology exam I spent coming up with a fantastic list of margaritas to drink, and not at all focusing on the exam itself. I might have even doodled a picture of a margarita glass or two in the margins. Considering how much of a stuffed shirt my professor is that probably wasn’t a good thing.
Thankfully, it was my last exam so the chance of getting to have a margarita or two went up exponentially once I turned it in. Jacob’s last exam had been yesterday, but I knew he wasn’t planning to head to Charleston until Sunday morning. I don’t think he was thrilled with the prospect of spending the next several weeks in his father’s home, even if Mark was currently vacationing in Hawaii with no plans to return home any time soon.
His frat is throwing an end of the semester party tonight that we’re going to attend. Tomorrow night I’ve made an incredibly foolish promise to Holden that we’ll go to a gathering at his new place with Ally. He seriously called it a gathering and not a party. The only problem with hi
s little gathering is that Grant is going to be there.
It won’t be the first time that the three of us are in a room together, but it’s just not high on my list of fun things to do on a Saturday night.
This afternoon though, it’s all ours. Just the two of us, and I have grand plans for us. I just hope that my grand plans don’t piss Jacob off.
I’m waiting at the campus Starbucks for Delaney to get out of her last exam. We rode in together this morning. My anxiety is growing every second that I’m forced to wait on her. I’m tapping some stupid senseless beat on the table with my finger, one leg bouncing up and down. Every time the door opens, the little bell above tinkling, I jerk my head up then drop it again when it’s not her.
I decide to get a coffee while I wait for her, even though I don’t think I need to put even the tiniest hint of caffeine into my system with how tightly wound up I already was. I put my order in for a mocha mint something or other and order a bottle of water for Delaney. She seriously doesn’t know what she’s missing out on only drinking bottled water.
Delaney comes stumbling into the coffee shop with a gust of wind behind her just as I settle at a table along the far wall. Her hair is scattered all around her face, her checks and nose pink from the cold. She’s wearing typical finals week attire – jeans and a sweatshirt, and obvious lack of sleep by the bags under her eyes from hours spent cramming every bit of information possible into her brain.
Looking at her now, you’d never know that just over a week ago she’d been all but huddled inside of herself. She looked bright and alive as she slide into the seat across from mine, dropping her bag down at her feet as she emitted a heavy sigh. “Thank God that is over.”
Smiling, I push the bottle of water over towards her. “Agreed.”
Delaney twists the cap off the water, holding the top in the palm of her hand while she quickly drinks half the bottle. “You still planning to go to Holden’s tomorrow night?”
“He’d probably hunt me down if I didn’t show.”