I’m lost in his gaze when I do. In Hamilton’s eyes I see everything I want for a future and yet, I can’t. This is exactly what I felt with Jay. “This is infatuation. Lust, if you will. This isn’t real.”
“How can I prove otherwise?”
“You can’t. There’s too much water under our bridges.”
“God has taken me through the wringer to show me my sin, how I judged you.”
“Your sin?” I laugh. “I didn’t think you had any sin. Pure as the driven snow, no dirt under your fingernails.”
“What you did for Jay that day at the office.”
I laugh. “Yeah, telling him not to get hurt, when he already had someone new lined up. I really showed him, didn’t I?”
“You were going to give him the money back.” He takes off his sweatshirt and puts it around me. “You thought he needed it. Don’t tell me I barely know you, Haley. With the exception of your short-lived attempt to exact revenge, I know you always tried to be a good person. Even before you knew Jesus.”
Hamilton has witnessed every possible humiliation in my life. He’s watched me figuratively bash my head into the wall countless times. “I want to forget all this. You only remind me of every mistake I ever made in my life.” Tears begin to fall from my eyes, and the cold wind leaves a sting on my cheeks. “I should have known they were talking more money than I will ever have in my lifetime. I really am as dumb as all that. You think you can rescue me from that, but it’s not true. It’s a lie. I am loyal to a fault.”
“Haley, Jay was staging a takeover of his own. He has the business outright. He borrowed money from Craig only to weaken Craig’s stock with lenders. It was a planned move.”
“You helped him do that?”
“Only if he paid you the rest of what he owed you up front.”
“That’s why he warned me to cash the check.”
“Haley.” Hamilton puts his hands on my cheeks and my body betrays me.
“You weren’t a lab rat.”
“Pardon me?” He runs his fingers along my neck, and I close my eyes, relishing his touch.
What am I doing? I will never learn!
“How did you find me?”
“Your mother told me I could find you here mourning the great love of your life.”
I laugh. “Yes, Gavin.”
“In her defense, she did think twice before telling me how devastated you were.”
“I’m crushed!” I put the back of hand to my forehead. “She’s really upset because Mrs. Atkinson’s pot roast won out over hers. That was the real loss.” I take off Hamilton’s sweatshirt and hand it back to him. “I’m sorry you felt guilty and wasted a trip, Hamilton. I’m quite content with my life, and I hold no more ill feelings toward you or Jay or anyone. Well, maybe I’m a little bitter that a fake blonde can so easily take my place, but whatever. That’s childish.”
“No fake blonde could ever take your place, Haley. I know what you’ve been through, but I’m here to ask if there’s a chance for you to take another chance on men. I want to try to be that man to you.”
I shake my head. “No, Hamilton. I’m single. Divorced, remember? You will never be the man who can let go of my past.”
“You’re wrong, Haley. Please try with me. I will do whatever is in my power not to see you hurt ever again. That day in my office with the vasectomy papers about broke my heart for you.”
I shake my head. “No, I’ll not be rescued by a man. God has deemed me worthy. I’m happy, Hamilton. Can’t that be enough for you?”
When I was a small girl, I used to hide in a cliff cave until my dad would come looking for me after a long picnic at the beach. The cave goes on forever, and I see the mouth of it swallowing the waves of the tide just around the bend. It’s the kind of cave you could get lost in if you didn’t know your way, but I knew it well; explored its every arm, and right now, it offers me solace. I run toward it, ignoring my foot.
“Haley!” Hamilton calls again, as I stand at the mouth of the cave. I jump over the burgeoning waves and enter the cave.
I whirl around to face Hamilton. I am weak around Hamilton. I don’t ever want to feel this way again, I never want to be victim to someone else’s emotion. It’s not a healthy place for me. “Don’t follow me. In case you’re not familiar with the action of someone physically running from you, this should indicate that I am trying to flee from your presence. It should also imply that I do not wish to spend time with you, that I am avoiding you, and that you should turn around, get in your car, and leave me to my beach. I tell you these things so you might have some good fortune with the ladies instead of being standard woman-repellent at church.”
“I didn’t come all this way to fight with you. I know you feel what we have, Haley. I know you want to fight it as much as I did, but what if you just gave it a shot? I’m not asking for a lifetime commitment now, Haley. I just want to be the one you give a chance to because I won’t hurt you again.”
I don’t allow myself to soften in the least. “Unbelievable. Now you’re going to tell me how I should act when you have interrupted my very private meditation on my childhood beach? If you didn’t come to fight with me, then I can tell you that you’ve wasted your time because all I have to say to you involves all-out warfare. You allowed Jay to lose his business when you knew who Rachel was from the start.”
“Jay didn’t lose his business. Haley, please listen to me!”
But the waves between us get bigger, and I cannot hear him any longer. He’s pointing to the waves, and as the wave pulls out to sea, he yells again. “Tides coming in, it’s not safe!”
“The tide takes hours, and it’s not your concern.” When I used to come here as a girl, I pretended I was a pirate. This is where I hid my booty. The waves lap at the bottom of my hands as I watch Hamilton with his arms crossed. I know the cave is the only sanctuary, where I can be alone with God and away from men and pleasing them.
“Will you hear me out? I came all this way to apologize and explain,” Hamilton says as he fights the waves to come into the cave with me.
“You shouldn’t have wasted your frequent flyer miles.”
“I paid for the ticket right before the flight took off. Coach. Without any luggage. I got a full-body massage from a man who looked like a bouncer for the sleaziest bar on the Strip, and I beeped. Do you have any idea how infuriating it is to have to empty every last thing from your pockets in front of angry, waiting travelers?”
“Woe, the sacrifice! You say you came to apologize? Or tell me how I’ve made your life so difficult?”
He grasps me by the arm. I feel his gaze to my core. For all this man has done to me, there is a sweetness, an innocence in his soul that I can’t help but see in his eyes. Oh, but who am I to think such things? I married Jay Cutler and thought it would be for life. But I know those thoughts aren’t who I am now. I am CMG’s best assistant and future agent. I am a card-carrying member of the best friends a girl could ever have in the Trophy Wives Club, and, most importantly, I am redeemed. But I’m not necessarily cleared for romantic takeoff either.
“You’re not going to make this easy for me, are you?” he asks.
Just like his eyes aren’t making it easy for me. I want to abandon everything I know and test his soul. He brings his hand to my shoulder, and I feel my body go limp at his gentle touch. “Don’t do this, Hamilton. You’ll regret it if you kiss me.”
“You told me that I was blind to what I was doing. That I didn’t take any responsibility for my actions.”
“And you’ve had some kind of mountaintop experience that brings you all the way up here?” I raise my brows.
“I saw in you what I did to people. Haley, I’m a lawyer, I believe in the pre-nup, just like I believe in Wills and Living Trusts because when money is involved, people get ugly. But it became something more for me. It became about winning at any cost. My client would be known as an astute businessman because he hired Hamilton Lowe as his attorney. I took so much
pride in that. Dangerous pride.”
“You got your wish. People do indeed fear the name Hamilton Lowe.”
I break away from him and tear into the familiar cave of my childhood. It’s dark, damp, and cold. Looking toward the back of the cave, I see only darkness, but the sun illuminates my path from behind.
Forgive him. I could forgive him, I really could if I thought he got it. But he doesn’t get it at all. He just keeps doing what he does, terrorizing women and taking away any security they had. He is just like Jay. He finds excuses in all of his behavior because he’s only doing what needs to be done. Heartless.
Forgive as I forgave you. I keep hearing that verse in my head, but how can I forgive where there is still so much raw pain? How can I forgive when it continues to happen? When women don’t have a decent car to drive their children to school, but some bimbo drives a Porsche around with the children’s father?
Why can’t men be like Boaz in the Bible? Ruth went to him humbled and poverty-stricken, and he found mercy for her. She slept at the foot of his bed, offering herself to him for the price of his care. But he was so much more, wasn’t he? He gave her his world. He accepted her. He didn’t try to steal the wheat she’d gathered from the threshing floor dregs and say it really belonged to him. He gave her the best he had. He shared his life with her.
It’s gotten darker as I’ve walked, and I take my Minnie Mouse penlight from my key chain and light my way with its measly beam. The cave is as it always was, and I run my hand along its low cold ceiling, reliving a time when I controlled the high seas of the Pacific.
“Aye, matey, the booty you will never find. It is hidden well.” I smile to myself. I once had a faith like a child’s too. I always thought it was too late to go back to that little girl, fresh as a daisy. But I was wrong.
Even my boss, who Lily herself called human steel, has more mercy than Hamilton. This man, who calls himself a Christian and posts Bible verses on his wall. He actually took the time to be that much of a hypocrite. He took the nails and drove them into the wall with his own hands.
My knees feel the stinging cold of salt water and I look down. The waves have followed me in, and the cave feels much smaller than when I was a girl. Or perhaps I’m just bigger. I have to turn around. On this one thing, Hamilton had to be right. I look behind me, and the hole to the outside is darkening as the ceiling gets lower and the waves come in fast and furious. The tide has swelled and my entrance to the outside of the cave is under four feet or so of harsh, northern California surf. I don’t see Hamilton’s silhouette in the opening, and I breathe both a sigh of relief and terror at the idea of swimming through the waters against the rocks. The water is frigid. I shiver. Hamilton did the smart thing and got out.
My dad taught me to swim into the tide. Never try and go around it, let the waters lead you in, but of course, the waters will only lead me to the back of the cave. I turn around again and see that the water is too high, and too rough to swim in. There’s only one thing to do. Get to the back of the cave and find the crack in the mountain that shed a small sliver of light toward the end of the cavern. Years ago, there was a shelf where I used to lie on and look up at the sky. Of course, that was always when tide was out. My father would never let me come in with any kind of surf. If the cave hasn’t changed it, it will be there until the tide goes out. If the water doesn’t fill the cave completely now, all these years later.
I use my penlight to light the back of the cave, but it’s still not visible. My light gets sucked away by the darkness, and I can only see around my knees. A piece of seaweed tangles around my ankles, and I scream at the slimy chain. I start to run toward the back, but the weight of the water slows me, and more seaweed clutches at my ankles. I pull my feet out of the sand with each step, and it’s like wet cement at my feet. I am prayerful that I don’t get a mouthful of sandy rock in my next step. God, if You’ve ever kept me from a wall, keep me from one now! Let there be enough space to swallow all this water, without swallowing me too. The light behind me is completely gone, but I’m not scared. I have complete peace. Only I’m lonely. I’m reminded how I’ve always had to handle crises by myself. First when I learned my mother wasn’t able to rescue me, then when I learned Jay wouldn’t.
I stand in complete darkness, but I have to keep moving. I can’t let the waves take over. Will I be washed out to sea in some romantic gesture to show I am cleansed? I think about the last interaction I had with Hamilton and feel the need to confess.
God, You know I’ve admitted my sin, but I have to add in what I just did to Hamilton. I don’t want that one counted against me. Tell him, too, will You?
Since I’m alone in the cave, I think the sound of my own voice might actually calm me down. “I’ve given my life to You. This is what You choose to do with it? Just wash me out to sea?” I always thought I’d go in some dramatic accident, like falling down an elevator shaft or getting pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge by some foreigner, who didn’t see me, while taking a picture. “Do you need any more ideas? Because this one really stinks, if you don’t mind my saying so. The worst part is Hamilton will know my own stupidity killed me. You’re going to let him have the last laugh, aren’t You? Just because I wouldn’t forgive.”
“I would never do that.”
I jump at the sound of Hamilton’s voice. “Hamilton?”
“Yes.” His hand clutches for mine, and I take it readily.
“Hamilton,” My throat closes at the emotion, as I’ve never been so happy to feel anyone in my life, even Hamilton Lowe. I shine my penlight behind me, and Hamilton is right there. “We’re trapped,” I yell over the surf.
“We are,” he yells back.
“Why did you come in here? You predicted what would happen.”
The wave recedes, and an eerie calm descends. “Because I told you I need to apologize, and that this was an incredibly stupid idea, and you didn’t listen to that either. I thought I might be able to knock some sense into you in the cold dark cave. Give me the chance, Haley. I’ll make the best choices with you. Not for you.”
“You have really good teeth.”
“Turn that thing off, we’ll need the batteries!”
It’s not like I’m cerebral at the moment, so I keep the light on his teeth. I have always loved his mouth. I’ve always hated what it said, but I loved the way it looked. I’ll admit, since seeing him at church, I have thought more than once what it would be like to kiss a man like Hamilton. Would he show any emotion? Or would it be rudimentary and compulsive?
“I don’t want your death on my hands,” I scream over the next wave. After each rush, there is a relative calm that follows. The water isn’t that high, and we both know there’s no real sense of danger, but we cling to each other like the next wave might take us down. “Then I have to forgive you all over again!” I can’t see his face. I can’t see my own hand. All that I can see is the wall on the side of us closing in and getting narrower and that only because I feel it. I don’t see a thing, but the sounds are different and the water is rising more quickly as the walls narrow.
“We have to keep walking. Go back.”
“There used to be an air crack back here. It’s not big enough to climb out of, but I thought if I could get there, I could wait out the tide. Maybe have a nice quiet time where no one could interrupt me.”
“When’s the last time you saw this air crack?”
“When I was twelve, but it was here throughout my girlhood. Maybe God kept it for me, for this moment. It was my own private knowledge. I even found it on the hill once.”
“Maybe He did. Caves don’t usually change, Haley.”
“It could have!” I scream over a new wave.
“It may have, but it’s usually counted in geological ages, not a young woman’s life.”
“You didn’t have to follow me. If you thought it was dangerous, you should have stayed outside and protected yourself.” The latter implies that was what he’d always done.
“I wasn’t leaving you here.”
“I don’t need anyone to rescue me.”
“I get it, Haley. I always did know you’d make it. The fact that you made it without tabloid money is to your credit.” We’re both out of breath, as we try to race the waves toward the back of the cave. I keep praying for that sliver of light to come into view, but instead more darkness envelops us, and my penlight’s batteries are waning into an amber stubble of light.
“Hamilton, the batteries are dying. How will we know which direction to head?”
“We’ll just have to go by Braille and stay with our backs to the waves when they come in.”
Before I know what’s happening, I’m swung into Hamilton’s arms. He smells divine even mixed with the pungent odor of the damp cave air.
“Put me down!” I squeal, but admittedly I cling tightly around his neck.
“God told me to lift you up, and this time I’m listening.”
“Hamilton…”
“What?”
“We’re talking to each other.”
“Really more of a screaming thing going on.”
“No, the waves are quieter. Hamilton, I think we did it!”
“Did what?
“The cave is shaped like a T. Go to the left.”
“Haley, no, we have to keep heading back.”
“It can’t reach the T all the way, Hamilton. Go left.”
“Haley, it goes against my intuitive nature to go left into what might be a wall.”
“If you want my forgiveness, you’ll listen to me this time.”
“That’s blackmail.”
“Yeah, how does it feel to be on the receiving end of it?”
There’s a thunderous roll, and our voices are drowned out again.
“Run!” He puts me down and grabs my hand.
I cling to Hamilton’s hand with what strength I have left in my frigid fingers. I point the penlight, but it fizzles again. The last of the battery gives out, and it wanes into complete darkness, but as the water falls to my knees, Hamilton picks me up again. It’s getting harder to breathe with the constant pounding pressure of the cold waves. Hamilton must not be able to feel anything in his legs by now.
The Trophy Wives Club Page 23