I put my keys in my pocket, and my fingers brush paper. I pull out the note that was on my car after work.
It’s weird that I’ve had two mistaken notes on my car. The parking lot is kind of small and gets crowded, but two mistaken notes?
Meh, Whatever.
I crumple the note back up and slide it back into my pocket, reminding myself to toss it in the trash later.
I let myself into Shannon’s home on a Sunday afternoon. My nerves are shot, and my stomach is clenched. When I called her earlier today and asked if we could hang out, she seemed to know something was up, and it made me second-guess my impulsive decision.
Once I close the door, I suck in a deep courage-building breath and call out, “Yo!”
“Just getting out of the shower!” I hear her yell from her bedroom.
Stopping by her bedroom door, I call, “You decent, lady?”
“Decent enough.”
I push open the door just as she finishes clasping her bra, so she’s just standing there in her undergarments. “Darn, I missed the good stuff.” I mock pout.
“I can take them back off, baby.” She waggles her eyebrow up and down, tossing back her wet hair and jutting out her hip.
I laugh. “Do you think Chad will mind?”
She rolls her eyes and snags her jeans. “As long as he can watch, he won’t give a shit.”
I just smile and chuckle as she tugs on her shirt.
She comes over to plop next to me on the bed. “So, what’s up?”
I sigh and close my eyes, my palms sweating. I’m not nervous she’ll disown me or anything like that. It’s just scary to talk about it. I know it won’t be as difficult as it was with my therapist or with Jed, but it’s still nerve-racking nonetheless.
“I’ve been going to therapy,” I confess, my eyes still closed.
I feel her hand start to rub circles on my back.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asks, concerned.
I nod and glance up to see her face etched with worry. “That’s why I’m here. My therapist suggested I talk about things to someone I love, so here I am.”
“Okay,” she prompts, still worried.
I blow out a breath and turn my head, so I’m staring at the wall. “Remember when I went away to college for my first year?”
When I don’t hear her respond, I swing my gaze back to hers to find her jaw clenched and her eyes filled with tears. My face drops, and I reach to hug her, attempting to comfort her, which is ironic, but I hate to see her upset.
I feel her beginning to shake, so I pull back, and she’s laughing through the tears slipping down her face.
“I’m sorry I’m laughing right now, but it’s just like you to comfort me when you’re the one who needs it.” She sniffs and shakes her head as she looks at me with sorrow. “I knew something happened because you were off after that. Talk to me. What happened?”
I suck in a breath and explain what happened that fateful night over four years ago. I let tears slip down my face, and I watch as hers streak her cheeks, too. When I finish, Shannon lurches forward, and she seizes me in a fierce hug.
“Oh, Anna, I’m so sorry.” She sniffs. “I knew it was something like that. I’m so sorry.” She lets a sob escape. “I wish you would have talked to me about this back then.”
I pull back and wipe the tears from my face. My chest is hollows, but I also feel better after letting it out. “I know, Shan. I know I should have, but I was embarrassed, and I just wanted to forget it ever happened.” I blow out a cathartic breath. “There’s something else.”
Her face falls again, but she says nothing as she waits for me to continue.
“Remember that boyfriend I had back in high school?”
Her jaw clenches hard, her eyes flare, and she gives one jerky nod.
I let my eyes drift shut, and I drop my head as I let it out. I tell her about the abuse that I endured for two years and how I kept it hidden from everyone. I have to stop a few times to choke back sobs. I purge the story from my heart to my best friend, my sister. She wraps her arms around me, and I bury my face into her shoulder. When I finish my confession, she holds me tight until the tears subside.
“I’m sorry, Anna. I’m so fucking sorry. I wish I would have done something.”
I lift my head to see her tear-stained face and pinched eyebrows.
“I knew something wasn’t quite right with your relationship, but I didn’t say anything. I’m so sorry, Anna. If I could go back, I would have gotten you help. I feel awful that I just let it go.”
“Oh, Shannon, don’t be sorry. You didn’t know. We were young,” I tell her.
The last thing I want is remorse from her. She didn’t do anything wrong. Sure, it would have been better if she had said something, but it’s not like she knew what was going on.
“Shan, I didn’t say anything, so why would you take on that regret?”
She blows out a shaky breath, but her tears still fall. “I still wish I would have done something.”
“But, you didn’t—”
“I know, I know. Shoulda, coulda, woulda.”
Her head shakes back and forth. “I’m glad you’re getting help now though.” She offers me a wobbly smile.
I smile back and hug her again. “I love you, Shan. I’m so glad I have you.”
She squeezes me tight. “Right back atcha, girl. I’ve got your back—always. You can talk to me about anything, okay? Thick and thin, I’m here for you.”
I hug her to me tighter. “Thanks, Shannon. I’ve got yours, too.”
February 16th
Hey, guess what? I’m pretty freaking awesome! I know because a kindergartner told me. I knew I’d love teaching, but I really, really love teaching. The longer I travel this journey, the happier I am. The more the teacher hands over the reins to me, the more I see that I absolutely made the right choice in my career. Sure, it’s challenging at times, and it’s a lot of work, but this is so much fun!
Dr. Jenson and I have been talking about him…about Todd. It’s still hard to think his name because I spent so long being terrified of him that I stopped saying his name. I’m finally able to let go of any blame I had about what happened with Todd. Sure, I could have said something to someone, but when I was that scared of him and determined to win his affection, it makes sense that I didn’t. People always say they don’t get how someone could stay in a relationship like that, but unless they’ve been there, they can’t understand the mindset.
I was an impressionable young girl, and he took advantage of me. He’s the one who has something wrong with him, not me. He was legally an adult, and I was still developing, which makes him even sicker. I hate the fact that he’s walking around, possibly doing what he did to me to other girls. It’s vile on so many levels. The more I think about it, the more I realize that he really is sick, like mentally sick. I hate him even more, but I don’t think I’ll ever stop being terrified of him.
I haven’t had a nightmare in months, and I asked my therapist why she thought that was. She said they might still come back, but I probably had them often before because I was trying to suppress everything, and my mind needed a way to process. My mind sucks if it thinks that’s a good way to process, but I get it. I’m just glad they’re gone for now.
I open my eyes and remember it’s Sunday.
I love Sundays.
I get to spend the whole day with my girl—my beautiful, sexy, smart girl.
I glance down at her wearing my T-shirt and her tiny black lace panties, and a smile spreads across my face. I love this woman so fucking much that I could explode. Watching Anna sleep as she’s curled up next to me in my arms is probably one of my favorite things to do. Well, I also love watching her laugh and study, and I love the mad face. God, I love the mad face. Okay, all those things are tied for my favorite. The only thing higher on the list is being inside her.
My need to take a piss, which is the reason I woke up in the first place, is probably the
only thing that can make me let go of her right now. My stomach grumbles. Okay, pissing and some food. I’m starving. I slowly remove myself from under her peaceful sleeping body. I stand up and then lean down to place a soft, light kiss on her hair before making my way to the bathroom. After relieving my screaming bladder, I head to the kitchen to make some bacon, eggs, and toast. Mmm. It’s a good thing I work out almost every day after work and before Anna gets off from the pizza place because I’d be huge with the amount of food I consume if I didn’t. Ah, yes, the girl can cook. That’s another thing I love about her.
I take the eggs and bacon out of the refrigerator and grab two pans. After getting the bread, I pop the toast in the toaster, and then I get started on cooking some breakfast for my lovely lady and me. I’m hoping I can get it all done before she wakes up, so I can give her breakfast in bed. The mouthwatering aroma of bacon fills the air as I take it out of the pan. I reach over to snag a greasy hot piece when a small hand appears out of nowhere, scaring the shit out of me.
I whirl around. “Jesus, Anna, you’re like a ninja! I didn’t hear you get up.”
She just smirks and places the piece of bacon between those sexy plump lips.
I watch her lick those lips, and then she closes her eyes. “Mmm, I love bacon.”
Ah shit.
She’s standing there with her hair all over the place, tumbling down her shoulders. Wearing my shirt with her toned legs on display, she’s mouth-fucking the bacon, and I’m rock fucking hard.
Who knew eating bacon could be so fucking sexy?
I quickly turn off the burners, turn back to her, and wrap my arms around her curvy small frame. I bend my head down to lick her lips. “Mmm, I love bacon and you.”
She grins against my lips. “I love you, too.”
“I’ll get a plate for you. I was going to bring breakfast in bed, but I can’t say that I mind you standing here, looking so sexy.”
“You’re so sweet, Jed. Thank you. It’s the thought that counts.” She places a quick kiss on my lips. “And there’s no way I look sexy. I just got up, and my hair is all over the place.”
I press myself against her, “Trust me, baby, you look really fucking sexy. You’re all cute and disheveled in my T-shirt, having a foodgasm.”
I can tell I’m affecting her when her breath catches in her throat.
She laughs. “Foodgasm?”
“Yeah, you’re moaning and licking your lips. You were having a foodgasm.”
She ducks her head and laughs, embarrassed. “Shut up. Bacon is yummy.”
I smile and pull away to make up the plates. “That it is, babe, but it’s not as yummy as you.”
After breakfast, we decide to take a walk on a nearby hiking trail. It’s so close that we don’t bother driving over. As we enter the trail, I let her go ahead of me, so I can watch her ass—I mean, help her if she falls. It’s a real possibility because she’s so klutzy, but that’s part of her charm.
I watch her make her way up the trail, eyeing the way her black yoga pants hug her hips and perky round ass. She’s wearing a blue fitted fleece that showcases her hourglass waist.
Her long hair sways when she turns her head to look back at me. “Why are you so quiet?”
I smirk. “Just admiring the view.”
“Yeah, it’s cold, but it’s really pretty out here.”
I chuckle a little at her obliviousness. “Yes, the trees and shit are nice, but I was referring to this.” I reach down, grab her hips, and pull her to me, so I can rub my hardening length along her backside. I’m like a sixteen-year-old boy around her, and I love that she’s always as eager as I am. I brush away her hair, so I can kiss and trail my tongue along her neck.
She tilts her head to the side to allow me better access. “Mmm…you’re unbelievable.”
I twist her around in my arms, so I can kiss her lips. “I can’t help myself. You’re so damn sexy.”
I grasp her hair in my hands and kiss her deeply. I pour all my love and passion into it, and she grabs my hair tightly and returns the embrace with equal intensity. A drop of rain lands on my cheek, but I barely notice it as I run my tongue across hers. I encircle her waist, pulling her as close to me as I can. Another drop of rain lands on my nose and then another on my shoulder. She moans into my mouth and grinds her hips against me. She’s getting me so fucking worked up, and I just had her a few hours ago. I really am insatiable with her. I break the kiss and move my lips along her jaw, making my way toward that sensitive spot just below her ear. The rain is starting to fall in a more steady rhythm, but it feels good against my heated skin.
I move my hand down her waist and cup her ass, bringing her closer to me, and then I grind myself against her. She’s panting loudly as I kiss and nip down her neck, and then reach around to her front and use my fingers to rub her through the thin material of her pants. She grips my hair tightly, and the sounds coming from her mouth are going to make me insane. I slip my hand into the waistband of her pants. I groan when I find that she’s not wearing any panties.
I slip a finger into her and moan again when I feel how wet she is for me. Her body jerks as I move my now drenched finger up to her clit, and I rub her hard. I need to see her come. I need it right now. Her wet pussy grinding against my hand is so fucking erotic. I readjust my hand, so I can plunge into her with two fingers while I use my thumb to rub her clit harder than before. Her knees buckle, and I grip her tighter around the waist with my free arm. I run my tongue along her exposed cleavage, tasting the water and her, and I feel her legs start to stiffen.
She starts chanting, “Oh God, oh Jed.”
I lift my head, so I can watch her come. Her lips part and her eyebrows come together over clenched eyes. No, this is my favorite thing. Watching her fall apart in my arms is the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen. Her mouth open, and she cries out as her orgasm overcomes her.
Fuck yeah, I put that look on her face.
I continue to rub her lightly as she comes down off her high.
When her sated eyes open, I say, “We should head back.” I lean in, so my nose brushes hers. “Now.”
I watch silently as the happy couple leaves the hiking trail. Part of me wants to chase after them and rip my Savannah out of that prick’s arms. She’s my toy, but I know I can’t do that. I’ve managed to find out her phone number and where she works, and I know that she still lives at home. Every time I fuck with her, I have to slide my hand up and down my cock as I imagine Savannah on her knees, taking my dick in her mouth. It barely relieves the urge to fuck the shit out of her.
I was worried that my pre-Christmas visit would scare her off, but she didn’t seem to put two and two together. It was the only way I’d know if she were still living there. I’d never met her family—I hadn’t cared to—so I knew I wouldn’t be recognized. I don’t want her to know that I’m back in town until the time is right.
This hasn’t been easy. I’m used to taking what I want. I don’t like to wait, but if I’m going to snatch her back, I have to do it carefully. I’m still not sure how I’m going to do that though. Jed seems to be a problem. I’ve never murdered anyone before, but if I watch him put his hands on her again, I might not be able to restrain myself.
I don’t normally go trekking in the fucking cold, but when I drove by and saw them walking, I couldn’t help myself. I had to follow. I had to see how much of an obstacle he is, and I wanted the opportunity to see her in the light of day since I’m used to seeing her in the dark from a distance when she walks to her car after work.
Now, I’m not sure it was worth it because I’m close to killing him. They looked way too close. I’m going to have to step up my game soon. I just need to figure out how.
April 4th
The last few sessions Dr. Jenson and I have been discussing forgiveness. The thought of forgiving the people who have hurt me makes me sick, like roll-with-nausea sick. She explained that I wouldn’t be forgiving them for their sake, but I’d be doing it for me.
Holding on to the anger and hurt only poisons and eats at me. She didn’t say that I was supposed to forgive their actions, just forgive them, because if I cling to the anger, it only hurts me. They don’t know me anymore, and I don’t see them, so it doesn’t affect them, but it affects me. How can I truly be happy if I’m clinging to them because of what they did? In order to truly move on, I need to forgive them and let the past go. I understand the logic, I really do, but putting it into practice is nearly impossible. I want to be better and put everything behind me instead of burying it. But how can I forgive that? Maybe I’ve held on to the pain for so long that I don’t know how to let it go.
I graduate next month, and I’m so damn proud of myself that it’s not even funny. I’ve worked hard while putting myself through school, and I’m graduating with honors. I was even approached by the principal of the school where I’ve been student teaching. She let me know that there would be a kindergarten teaching position opening next year, and she hopes I apply. I told her that absolutely yes, I would apply. Inside, I was jumping up and down, screaming, Holy shit balls I love you! She didn’t give me the job, but she pretty much said that I had a good chance at getting it, which is amazing. I don’t know about other states, but in Massachusetts it’s really hard to land a teaching job. Usually, you have to work a few years as a substitute or aide to get an in with a school system.
Jed was so happy for me. I fucking love that man so much. I want to have his babies someday. I love every piece of him from the inside out. And holy damn, I never realized what a difference there is between attachment and love. I don’t really think I could love before because I didn’t know what it was, and I didn’t love myself, but as I’m emerging out of my deep dark hole, I see it, I feel it, and I cherish it. I look around and see all the people who love me—Shannon, Chad, and the gang, my family (as batshit as they are), Jed’s family, and of course, Jed. I guess I am pretty damn worth it, aren’t I?
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