When Dawn Breaks

by Melissa Toppen

  I want more—so, so much more. But I also know that friends are in short supply for me right now, and I can’t go fucking things up with Bree; not when I need someone like her in my life so desperately.

  I’m all over the place right now. I’m fucking lost is what I am. I thought coming here, to California, would offer me the reprieve I needed to figure out what the fuck I need to do next, but so far it’s only offered me distraction. Much-needed distraction but distraction just the same.

  It’s time I make a choice.

  I can’t crash in Sebastian’s spare room forever, pretending like we’re still teenagers. I need to get a job, figure out my next moves—do something, anything. And as I close my eyes and relish in the feel of Bree next to me, I wonder if I haven’t just found the motivation to do just that.

  “So how is everything?” I ask Tess after she stands from giving Jack a hug from his place in the backseat of the car.

  “Good.” She smiles, closing Jackson’s door.

  We weren’t planning to stay so I didn’t bother getting him out of his booster seat, but then Tess came running downstairs seconds after Ant disappeared inside Sebastian’s building. Now that she’s right in front of me, I feel the sudden need to know everything that’s happened over the last couple of days.

  “Just good?” I question, crossing my arms in front of my chest as I rest my back against the driver’s side door.

  “Really good.” A wide smile breaks across her face. “I just… I don’t know how I did it,” she admits, letting out a slow breath as if to ground herself. “I don’t know how I lived without that man for so long. He’s just…” She fans herself, looking happier than I think I’ve ever seen her.

  “That good, huh?” I laugh at how flustered my best friend looks right now.

  “You have no idea.” She practically bounces in place.

  “So I take it you’re moving here?” I ask, not trying to disguise the hope in my voice.

  I’d give anything to have Tess within driving distance from me again. I’ve missed having her and Courtney around more than I could ever fully explain. Just the thought is more settling than I ever realized it would be.

  “We haven’t nailed down the specifics, but it’s looking that way, yes.”

  My arms instantly reach out to pull her into a hug, squeezing her so tight it’s a wonder either of us are able to breathe.

  “I’m so happy for you,” I say into her hair, before finally releasing her and taking a small step back. “You two have been through so much and to see you finally find your way back to each other is so incredible.”

  “It’s strange. I had given up hope that this day would ever come. But I think I always knew that eventually it would come to this. Even when I tried hiding it, denying it, fighting it—I knew that my heart would always be with Sebastian.”

  “I’m just glad you realized it before things went too far with Bennett,” I say, still feeling a little bad for the guy whose heart Tess broke in the process of following her own heart.

  “Me too.” She grins at Jack who slaps the window to get her attention. “So what’s up with you and Ant?” she asks, her eyes glued on my son as she makes silly faces at him through the glass.

  “What do you mean?” I try not to sound guilty, though I’m not entirely sure what I am or am not guilty of.

  “He stayed with you the last couple of nights?” she questions, turning her attention back to me.

  “Yeah.” I shrug like it’s nothing. “We had dinner, played catch up. He’s still the same Ant,” I say, glancing back at Jack. “He filled in for Aunt Tess at the park.”

  “Oh crap, I totally forgot. I’m so sorry,” she immediately starts apologizing.

  “Don’t be,” I interrupt. “You had other things on your mind. And according to Jack, Ant is the best swing pusher of all time.” I chuckle at the memory.

  I meet Tess’ gaze just quick enough to see the curious look that passes across her features.

  “It’s nice to have friends around again,” I quickly add, hoping that satisfies her enough that she doesn’t question it further.

  I think Tess knows me well enough to know that I would never cross the friendship line with someone who dated Courtney, even though I’ve been more than tempted to do just that for two days now. Especially last night when we fell asleep snuggled on the couch, and his blue gray eyes were the first thing I saw this morning looking down at me as I woke.

  The nervous flutter in my stomach has yet to go away since then.

  “It is, isn’t it?” She smiles at me, thankfully choosing to let it go. “You and me, Sebastian and Ant. Hell, all we need is Court and the whole gang is practically back together.”

  “Weird how we all ended up all the way out here together,” I agree. Laughing lightly when Jack once again starts hitting the back window. “I should probably get him out of here. He gets super restless if he has to sit in one place for too long.” I shake my head at my son.

  “Okay, well I’m gonna make up for my missed park date. I promise. Maybe next week. I’ve got so much to figure out in the meantime.”

  “You just let me know. No rush. If you’re moving out here, we will have plenty of time for park dates.”

  “I can’t wait.” Her ear to ear smile is back, and I didn’t realize until now that every smile I’ve seen over the last five years has paled in comparison to the one currently gracing her pretty face.

  I guess it just goes to show what Sebastian Baxter does to Tess. He’s always had this spell over her. Good to see some things never change.

  “I’ll call you in a few days, set something up,” she says, hugging me quickly before taking a few steps back.

  “Love you, Tess.” I smile before climbing into the driver’s seat of my car.

  “Love you more.” She blows me a kiss, waving as I back out of my parking spot and pull away.

  “Save me.” It’s the first thing I hear Ant say when I silence the ringer on my cell and quickly answer.

  “That bad?” I laugh.

  “If I have to listen to that fucking headboard knock against my wall one more time, I think I’m gonna fucking lose it,” he groans. “Those two have been going at it for three days solid. I swear to God I don’t even think they’ve come out to eat.”

  “Um, TMI. But thanks,” I laugh. “Now I’ve got a mental picture I’m not sure I want.”

  “You have to save me.”

  “And how exactly am I supposed to do that?” I question playfully.

  “Go to dinner with me tonight, get me the hell out of this apartment.”

  “Wish I could, but I have to work at La Belle’s tonight. Waitressing job,” I quickly add, not sure if I actually ever told him where I waitress.

  “What about after?”

  “I don’t get off until ten, and then I’ll have to go pick up Jack,” I say, apology lining my words.

  “You’re killing me here, Bree.” The gruff tone of his voice causes my skin to prickle. Jesus, even his voice has me tied up in knots.

  “I’m sorry. I can’t help that I have to work to support my child,” I snip jokingly.

  “God, why the fuck do you have to be so responsible? Why can’t you just say fuck it and let’s go paint the town red the way we used to.”

  “I wish I could,” I say, and damn it if I don’t.

  It would be so easy to just blow everything off and pretend for just one night that I’m actually twenty-two and not the eighty-year-old I sometimes feel like.

  “So, I haven’t told you this yet, but I have an interview at Thoma Technologies next week.” He completely shifts gears which throws me off for a second.

  “What? Really?” I squeak, a little too excitedly.

  If he’s interviewing for jobs, that means he’s decided to stay. I wish I could say this fact doesn’t send my mind reeling in an entirely new direction, but that simply wouldn’t be the truth.

  I’ve thought about Ant way more than I care to admit over
the last few days, and now learning that he’s decided to stay—I’m fairly certain this can only mean trouble for me. And yet, in some weird way, a part of me doesn’t care. Because selfishly I want him here, no matter what that means for me or for us.

  “Yep. It’s not my dream job, but it’s working with computer software so at least my hundred thousand dollar degree isn’t going completely to waste.”

  “A hundred thousand?” I gawk. “My online degree was like thirty-five.”

  “Oh, that’s just what I financed.” He chuckles. “Add in my partial football scholarship and grants and it totaled well over two hundred and fifty thousand when everything was all said and done.”

  “You realize that’s outrageous, right?”

  “Boston College isn’t cheap,” he agrees. “Which is why I’m not being super selective when it comes to nailing down employment. Besides, I’ve gotta start somewhere.”

  “So you said it’s not your dream job, what is?” I question.

  “I want to work more on the developing side of things, but with no real experience outside of school it’s hard to find someone willing to give you an in. If I get the job, I’ll be testing and running quality assurance for the software that’s already developed.”

  “But that’s good too, right? I mean, getting to learn other areas of the process?”

  “It will definitely get my foot in the door, and hopefully with the right company will be a stepping stone into what I really want to be doing.”

  “Well, this is awesome news. I mean, as long as you can stand Tess and Sebastian long enough to get the job and then find your own place.”

  “That’s yet to be seen.” He pauses. “Then again, I’ve got this other friend who might be nice enough to let me crash at her place for a few weeks, considering Thoma is less than fifteen minutes from where she lives.”

  “You do, do you? Tell me about this friend of yours?” I tease, already knowing he’s talking about me.

  “Well, she’s bangin’ for one,” he starts, and I immediately bust out laughing.

  “Bangin’,” I laugh around the word. “What are we, in high school again?” I question, ignoring the quickening of my heart at his statement.

  “Don’t like bangin’, huh? Okay, how about this—she’s incredibly beautiful.” I can hear the smile in his voice.

  “Go on,” I urge, playing along.

  “She’s also smart and funny and… Did I mention how beautiful she is?”

  “You may have mentioned this. Though, if you’re trying to butter her up, you’ll need more than just what you think of her looks.”

  “Damn it,” he chuckles. “Here I thought all I had to do was compliment her beauty and I’d be in.”

  “Most girls aren’t that vain,” I tsk, clucking my tongue on the roof of my mouth.

  “I have so much to learn.” He sighs dramatically.

  “Tell me your favorite thing about this friend of yours.” I can’t help but play right into his little game.

  “Besides the fact that she’s bangin’?” he laughs.

  “Yes, besides that.” I try to keep my voice serious but fail miserably.

  “That’s hard. I think every part of her is my favorite.”

  “You’re really laying it on thick here, aren’t you?” I counter with a smile.

  “Is it working?” he asks.

  “That depends, am I the bangin’ friend?”

  “Like you have to ask,” he says, like it should be a given.

  “Then yeah, maybe it’s working,” I admit. “Though, I’m not sure how you staying here would work, in all seriousness. I only have two bedrooms, one for me and one for Jack. You wouldn’t have any privacy or space of your own.”

  “And that would totally be fine. I just need your couch for three weeks, four tops. I should be able to line a place up pretty quickly. And this is only if I get the job, of course.”

  “Well, how about we wait until then to work out the details.”

  “Agreed. Though, I desperately want to lie and say I’ve already gotten the job so you’ll save me from my current predicament. You sure you can’t hang out tonight?”

  “I really can’t,” I say, even though it’s the furthest thing from what I want to say.

  “What about tomorrow?”

  “During the day I have to work, but I’m free tomorrow evening. But I will have Jack.”

  “Even better.” His response brings an instant smile to my lips. “How about I take the two of you to dinner. Does say, six o’clock work?”

  “I think that’s doable.”

  “I’ll pick you up then.”

  “You better not be late,” I warn.

  “Oh don’t worry, I never keep a pretty girl waiting.” Again, his words send my heart galloping in my chest.

  I don’t know if he’s truly flirting with me or if he’s just being Ant. Sometimes the two are one in the same, and I do my best not to look into it too much. I mean, this is Ant. We’ve known each other since junior high, and I’m fairly certain he’s always talked to me the same way he is right now; though, I don’t think I’ve ever reacted to it quite like I have the last few days.

  Time clearly has changed a lot of things for me. While yes, Ant was always on my radar, I knew he wasn’t even a possibility so I never let myself really look too much into the chemistry that has always existed between us.

  And while nothing has really changed in that department, I find myself caring less and less that he’s supposed to be off limits and more and more about the way he makes me feel. Trust me, I know how awful of a person that makes me. But we’re talking about a guy who dated one of my best friends for less than a year like five years ago. Maybe Courtney wouldn’t even care if Ant and me became a thing.

  Then again, maybe she would care so much that it would tear our friendship apart and no man—no matter how attractive—is worth losing my best friend over.

  I just have to remember that, especially when he smiles at me.

  Because that smile…

  “Bree, you still there?” Ant’s voice pulls me back to the present, and only then do I realize my mind has once again ran away with me.

  “Yeah, sorry.” I shake it off. “I should probably hop off here. I gotta get Jackson dressed if I want any hope of getting to work on time.”

  “Okay. Well, have a good night.” He sounds as disappointed as I feel, and that does something crazy with my stomach.

  “Thanks, you too,” I force out. “I’ll see you tomorrow. In the meantime, invest in some earplugs.”

  “That I think I just might need to do.” He chuckles.

  “Bye Ant.”

  “Bye Bree.”

  I wait until he hangs up before pressing the end call button. Holding the phone to my chest, I take a deep inhale and let it out slowly, wishing I could calm the nervous energy knotting inside me just at the thought of seeing Anthony tomorrow.

  My God, what is wrong with me?

  Six years earlier

  It’s just after midnight. I can hear the laughter and music from the party filtering up from the floor below, but it’s quickly drowned out by the loud thud in my ears and the sudden pain that knocks me backward.

  I stumble, unable to find my footing. I hit the ground hard, my gaze shooting up to where Blake now hovers over me. My hand goes to my left cheek just as my eyes find his.

  It’s hard to explain, what it feels like to have someone so close to you be the person you fear more than anyone else. And yet, even knowing what I know about Blake, I’ve continued to date him for months.

  “You fucking bitch,” he hisses, rearing his hand back like he’s going to hit me again.

  This is all my fault, of course it is. I know when to push him and when to leave him be. Now was not the time to drop the news of my pregnancy on him. Not after he’s been drinking and smoking all night.

  I lift my arm in an effort to protect my face should he take another swing, but this only eggs him on more. Grabbing
my forearm, he rips my arm up, his fingers biting viciously into my flesh.

  “You think I don’t know what you’re doing.” He lays a hard backhand to my cheek, releasing my arm at the same time so that the force of his hand knocks me to my back, causing my head to bounce against the hard flooring.

  “I-I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I stutter through the fresh tears that seep from my eyes, trying to gather my bearings.

  “Fuck you, Bree.” Blake positions himself over top of me, leaning down to grab a handful of my hair before jerking my head up so that his face is inches from mine. “You’re a fucking whore. Who fucking knows who the father of that kid is. Probably one of your mommy’s little fucking boyfriends. I know how much you enjoy her sloppy seconds.” His words are like a knife to my chest.

  Blake is one of the only three people I have confided in about some of the details of my childhood. Tess and Courtney being the other two. I regretted it the moment I told him; I regret it even more now. The fact that he would take something so personal, so painful, and use it against me hurts more than any physical pain he could ever deliver.

  “Either way,” he continues. “I do know that it’s not fucking mine.”

  “Blake,” I plead, making an attempt to push myself up only to be shoved back down with the force of his stocky build.

  I want to tell him that I didn’t want this either—that I didn’t plan for this to happen—but it’s clear that even if I could get the words out he’d likely not believe a word of it.

  I open my mouth to try another angle, but then I hear, “What the fuck?” and my eyes jerk toward the stairs to find Tess standing just feet behind Blake.

  No. No. No.

  My stomach twists violently, and I swear my heart lodges itself somewhere in my throat making it hard for me to breathe.

  She won’t understand. It’s all I can think.

  “Tess.” I quickly climb to my feet, trying to wipe away the mascara I know is streaked down my face.

  “What the fuck?” she repeats louder, eyes bouncing from Blake to me and then back to Blake.