When Dawn Breaks

by Melissa Toppen

  “That’s what you get when you fuck with one of my girls,” Court says, matter of fact, holding her glass out to Tess who empties the remainder of the wine into it before setting the empty bottle on the table. “Please tell me that’s not the last of it,” she quickly adds as Tess reclaims her seat.

  “I’m pretty sure running out isn’t going to be a problem. There are at least five bottles left in there.” Tess shakes her head.

  “Please, that’s nothing.” Court swipes her hand through the air. “I’ll have that gone in two hours.”

  “I have no doubt about that,” I speak up, knowing Court can handle her alcohol probably better than anyone I’ve ever seen.

  I think I’ve only seen her truly drunk once, and that was after one of Sebastian’s parties where she was doing shot wars with some of the guys. I’m pretty sure she had upwards of fifteen shots that night. It’s a wonder she didn’t wind up with alcohol poisoning.

  “So now that little ears are in bed and we can talk freely, can someone please tell me how in the hell Ant is so fucking hot? I’m mean, Jesus. Seriously?”

  Courtney says it right as I’m taking a drink, and I end up sucking my wine down the wrong hole. It takes me several moments, coughing and sputtering, to finally get myself right again and by the time I do, both Court and Tess are looking at me funny.

  “Sorry, wrong hole,” I try to explain, clearing my throat again.

  “Anyway”—Court shakes her head—if this one is done choking,” she hitches her finger at me playfully. “Can we please talk about this shit for a second for real?”

  “What is there to talk about?” I try to sound as casual as possible, taking another drink of my wine, this time careful to swallow it correctly.

  “I need to know what I’m dealing with here.” She pulls her legs up under herself and leans forward slightly like she’s preparing for what she’s about to learn.

  “That’s a broad statement. You need to be more specific,” Tess interjects.

  “Okay, so Bree already told me he’s talking to someone, but they aren’t an actual couple,” she says, and I instantly feel Tess’ gaze hot on the side of my face. I ignore it and keep my eyes locked on Court. “What else do I need to know? Tell me more about this girl, about his job, family—give it all to me.”

  I want to ask her why she wants to know so much, but given that I think that question might raise some suspicion about why I’m asking, I keep it to myself.

  “Well, obviously you know he graduated from Boston College last summer, got a degree in Information Technology,” I start on safer ground. “He moved back to Rockfield for a while, but that didn’t work out so he decided to try things out in California.”

  “Why didn’t they work out?” she interrupts before I can keep going.

  “Issues with his dad,” Tess says, meeting my gaze over the rim of her wine glass.

  “Oh shit. Yeah, I know he wasn’t very fond of his dad when we were dating.”

  “Did he ever say anything to you about their relationship?” I can’t help but ask the question; if anyone would know anything about Ant and the abuse it would be Court, given that they were together during some of it.

  “Not really. He was always really hush hush about it. I just know Ant did anything and everything he could to avoid going home most days. Why do you ask?” She arches a brow at me.

  “Just curious. I wasn’t sure if they’ve always had problems.” I brush it off like it’s nothing.

  “Yeah, I think they did; though, like I said, he never really talked much about it.” She pauses for a moment before picking up where she left off. “So he moved to California and was staying with Sebastian for a while, that I knew already. Then he moved here because it’s closer to his job.” Her gaze finds mine, and I do my best not to shrink beneath it. “And what does he do exactly?”

  “He went to school for software development, but right now he’s working in quality assurance, testing software.”

  “Okay, boring.” She fake yawns. “I never saw Ant as the type to work with computers. He’s so social and always used to feed off of attention. I can’t imagine him sitting behind a desk all day working with software, whatever the hell that entails.”

  “I think it was kind of like my decision to go into finance,” Tess speaks up. “Smart career choice, lots of growth, good money; it makes sense.”

  “Yeah, I guess.” Court lets out a slow sigh. “I just have a really hard time wrapping my head around the fact that he’s a man now, ya know? I mean, he was a man before…” She smiles and winks, causing a thick knot to form at the base of my throat. “But now he’s really a man. He’s even got an adult job and everything.”

  “What did you expect, for him to still be the same guy he was over five years ago? People change.” I take a drink of wine to keep myself from saying more.

  “I know. It’s just hard to think about the person he was compared to who he is now. I hate that there’s so much I don’t know anymore. He was such a big part of my life in high school, and now he’s basically a stranger.”

  “I kind of felt the same way about Sebastian when we first reconnected. I had to pretty much get to know him all over again. Lucky for me, he’s still the same incredible person he was back then.” Tess smiles like a love-sick school girl.

  “I’ll take shoot me now for five hundred, Bob.” Court laughs when Tess throws her an evil glare. “I’m just kidding. You know how happy I am for you and Sebastian. I still can’t believe after everything you guys are getting married.”

  “It’s crazy, I know,” Tess agrees, looking down at the ring on her finger.

  “Okay, back to Ant,” Court redirects the conversation. “I’m not done yet.” She smiles.

  “What else do you want to know?” I ask, wishing like hell she wasn’t so interested in the man I just so happen to be falling hard and fast for.

  “Tell me about this girl he’s talking to.”

  “I already told you earlier. It’s just some friend of his.” I think I do a pretty good job of playing it off, but the guilt that slams into me in doing so nearly shatters my resolve. It also doesn’t help that Tess is once again staring daggers at me either.

  “So say if I were to ask him out for drinks, it would be totally acceptable because they aren’t together, right?”

  “I guess so.” It takes everything in me to push the words out, the knot in my throat feeling like it’s quadrupled into the size of a softball.

  “Are you going to ask him out for drinks?” Tess asks, her gaze bouncing between me and Courtney.

  “I think so. I mean, what’s it going to hurt, right? He’s single. I’m single. We’re both here at the same time. Not to mention, he's smoking fucking hot.”

  At that I stand, not sure how much longer I can keep this charade going.

  “I’m going to get another bottle.” I excuse myself to the kitchen, just needing a moment to compose myself and figure out what the hell I’m gonna do now.

  I promised myself if Court was still interested in Ant that I would bow out. He was hers first, and I’m not the person who chooses a man over my best friend. Then again, Ant isn’t just any man.

  I pop the cork on a new bottle of wine and fill my glass to the brim, sucking it down in one long gulp before refilling it to the top again.

  Uneasiness and guilt grips my chest like a vice. I knew better than to let things between Ant and me progress. I saw it happening weeks ago, could feel the shift between us, but I was powerless to stop it. When I’m with him it’s like I’m under some spell. Only when I step away can I see the toll that it’s taking on me, and ultimately the ramifications it will have on my friendship with Court and Tess, who is being forced to lie on my behalf right now.

  “Fuck-fuck-fuck,” I mutter under my breath, gripping the counter as I tilt my head down and take a few deep breaths.

  I hear Court and Tess laughing in the living room and for the first time since all this began, a sense of resentment
toward Ant takes hold. I should be in there, laughing and enjoying my time with my best friends, my family, not in here hiding out because I’m keeping a secret that could potentially end it all.

  I blame him. I can’t help it. If he hadn’t come back into my life with his perfect smile and his perfect body and his perfect laugh, then I wouldn’t be in this position to begin with.

  True—he’s added more to my life than he’s taken away, but I’m not sure anything he could give me would be worth hurting Courtney over.

  And then there’s the part of me that doesn’t care. The part of me that wants him no matter the cost. The part of me that will go head to head with my best friend if it means Ant will be with me in the end. I know how horrible of a person that makes me, but my heart is so conflicted I’m not entirely sure I know which way is up or down.

  Taking another long drink of wine, I promise myself to let this go. No matter how badly I want Anthony, deep down I know it’s not worth the risk. I will support Court and whatever she decides to do where he’s concerned, and I will be happy for her if she gets what she wants. I will not compete, I will not sabotage, and I absolutely will not stand in the way.

  She’s my best friend. And that means more to me than anything else. I just hope Ant will understand why we need to end things before they really begin. Sometimes you just have to do what’s right, no matter how wrong it feels. And not being with Ant feels wrong on more levels than I think I’m able to fully comprehend at the moment.

  “Where the hell did you go, Bree?” I hear Court holler from the living room, pulling me from my thoughts.

  “Just getting some more wine,” I call back.

  Taking one more deep breath, I plaster on the best smile I can muster and exit the kitchen; hoping like hell I’m strong enough to do what I know has to be done.

  Noise coming from the kitchen stirs me from sleep. I open my eyes, blinking around my living room. Pushing up on my elbows, I see Court, who is curled up on the opposite end of the couch as me, still fast asleep.

  Glancing to my right, I spot the blanket Tess used last night folded neatly in the armchair and figure it must be her in the kitchen. Careful not to disturb Court, I slide off the couch and head directly toward the bathroom, feeling like my bladder and head are both going to explode at any moment.

  Taking a few minutes, I use the restroom, wash my face, and brush my teeth before finally making my way back out into the living area. When I spot Ant in the kitchen, my heart instantly picks up speed and I quickly make my way toward him, stopping in the doorway when I spot Jack standing on a chair in front of the stove next to Ant, a spatula in his hand.

  “What are you doing here?” I question Ant before dropping a quick kiss on Jackson’s temple. “Morning, baby.”

  “Morning, Mama.” He grins, showing me the spatula. “I’m helping Ant-man make breakfast,” he states proudly.

  “You are?” I smile back at him. “What are you making?” I ask, looking down at the slices of bread in the pan.

  “We’re making you and Aunt Courtney French toast.”

  “That sounds amazing.” I glance over to Ant and repeat my earlier question. “What are you doing here? I thought you were at Sebastian’s?”

  “I couldn’t sleep. Headed back earlier. Tess was leaving just as I got here. You and Court were still sleeping when Jack woke up.” He nods toward my son. “Making breakfast was his idea.”

  “It was?” I smile at Jack, watching Ant help him flip the two pieces of French toast in the pan.

  The sight, like so many others I’ve witnessed between the two of them, warms me to my core. Ant is so good with Jack, so patient and loving. To anyone who may not know our situation, I’m sure they would just assume Ant is his father because that’s just how much he adores Jack. How special and rare that is, is not lost on me.

  “Ant let me break the eggs too,” Jack quickly adds.

  “Before long you’re going to be a master chef,” I say, running my hand along the soft strands of his brown hair. “I’ll let you two finish up here. I’m going to go hop in the shower,” I say, giving Ant a soft smile before backing out of the kitchen.

  I spend twenty minutes under a stream of scalding hot water, trying like hell to scrub away the thoughts of what life could be like if I took the selfish route. Turning Ant away doesn’t just hurt me. It hurts Jackson too.

  He loves Ant, and I have no doubt that Ant loves him. I could be denying my son the opportunity to have a real man in his life. Someone who he can learn from, look up to, go to when he needs advice. I want that for my child more than I want happiness for myself. But Ant can give us both happiness.

  “He’s not yours,” I remind myself as I dry my hair off with a towel and slide into a pair of yoga pants and a dark gray tank. “Stop planning a life that can never be,” I continue, scolding myself in the mirror.

  By the time I exit the bathroom several minutes later, I’m no less conflicted. If anything, I’m more so. It certainly doesn’t help the situation when I walk out into the living area and hear Courtney laughing in the kitchen.

  “Fucking great,” I mutter under my breath before stepping into the doorway.

  My eyes land on Ant first. He’s leaning against the counter, arms crossed over his chest, wide smile on his face, and his gaze locked on Courtney who is standing in the same position directly across from him—her smile even wider.

  Jealousy is the first and most prominent thing I feel. I know I have no right to feel jealous. I have no right to feel anything where Ant is concerned. But it’s not something I can help either. I can’t stop it any more than I can stop the way my heart skips a beat every time he looks at me with those incredible gray-blue eyes of his.

  Court is the first to sense my presence, her smile turning on me the moment she realizes I’m standing in the doorway.

  “Morning.” She grins.

  “Morning.” I return her smile even though the last thing I feel like doing is smiling. “Where’s Jack?” I look around, noticing the large plate of French toast next to the stove before finally meeting Ant’s gaze.

  “He went to change his clothes. He didn’t want to eat without you.” He no more than says the words when I feel arms wrap around my waist from behind.

  “Hey, buddy,” I say, turning slightly to ruffle his already messy hair. “You ready to eat?”

  “Me and Ant-man made you special toast, Mama,” he says, gesturing to the small four-person table behind me.

  “You did?” I question, turning around, not sure how I didn’t notice the plate and juice sitting at my normal spot at the table. “Well, let’s see here.” I walk to the table, allowing Jack to pull my chair out before taking a seat. “Such a gentleman.” I smile, watching as he lifts the cover off my plate, revealing two slices of French toast sprinkled with powdered sugar—Love written on one piece and you written on the other with what looks like red gel icing.

  “Do you like it?” Jack bounces excitedly next to me.

  “Are you kidding, buddy? I love it.” I turn and kiss his cheek. “Why don’t you go get your plate, and we can eat together.”

  “Okay.” He quickly skips off into the kitchen, him and Ant returning just seconds later with a plate for both of them as well as Court.

  We all sit around the table and engage in easy conversation while we eat, or at least I pretend like it’s easy. Truth be told, this situation is more than a little uncomfortable for me. Court talks to Jack about Kindergarten while Ant and I watch on, exchanging glances across the table at one another every so often.

  I remind myself over and over again of the promise I made myself last night, but everything feels so different now that the fog of the wine has lifted and Ant is sitting across from me looking so handsome; it’s impossible not to swoon a little.

  After breakfast Courtney grabs her bag from the living room and excuses herself to the shower while Ant and I work on cleaning up breakfast. He stands next to me at the sink, not saying a single wor
d until we hear the bathroom door shut followed by the shower turning on seconds later.

  “I take it you haven’t spoken to her,” he speaks softly, taking the plate from my hand and rinsing it before stacking it in the strainer to dry.

  “I couldn’t,” I admit, keeping my attention focused on the dishes in front of me.

  “But you’re still going to, right? Before she leaves?”

  “I don’t know,” I admit, feeling his gaze on the side of my face.

  “What do you mean—you don’t know, Bree?” His voice is low, and there’s a clear hint of irritation in it.

  “I just… I’ve been thinking, and maybe this isn’t a good idea.” I hold my breath, waiting for his response.

  “What isn’t a good idea? Telling Courtney right now? Or us?”

  “Any of it,” I admit, finally glancing in his direction. The look on his face nearly brings me to my knees, a combination of anger and confusion I wasn’t quite prepared for.

  “Come here.” He takes the plate from my hand and drops it back into the water before grabbing my elbow and steering me toward my bedroom.

  I peek over at Jack who’s sitting on the couch watching cartoons, completely oblivious to anything going on.

  “Explain, now,” Ant demands the second we enter my room, shutting the door behind him.

  “There’s nothing to explain. I just don’t think I can do this.” I gesture between the two of us.

  “Bullshit.” He calls my bluff. “Tell me the truth, Bree.”

  “Why do you want me to talk to her anyway?” I ask, my voice breaking in the middle of the question.

  “I think I made that pretty clear last weekend.”

  “But I mean really, what do you think will come out of this?” My voice rises slightly, and I have to fight down the emotion rising in it. “You don’t just get me, you get Jack too. Do you really want to take that on?”

  “Are you really asking me this right now?” He seems more than a little offended by my statement. “I fucking love that boy, you know I do.”