When Dawn Breaks

by Melissa Toppen

  “But that should also tell you how much he loves you. A man like Anthony doesn’t give his heart easily. I don’t think he’s going to take it back that easily either.”

  “I told him about everything.” I meet Tess’s surprised gaze.

  “Everything, everything?” she asks, knowing exactly what I’m referring to.

  “Everything,” I confirm.

  “Wow. That’s a huge step for you. How did he react?”

  “Exactly like I hoped he would.” I blow out a breath, unable to hold the tears in any longer as two slide down my cheek in quick succession, one after the other. “He was supportive and caring. If he was repulsed by me or what I did, he didn’t show it.”

  “Why would he be repulsed by you?”

  “You know why.” I give her a knowing look.

  “Bree, we’ve talked about this. You were just a child. Your mind has a way of adapting, of surviving; that’s all you were doing. You’re a survivor.”

  “And that’s exactly how he made me feel. In that moment I felt no shame. No regret over telling him the truth. I needed to connect with him on a deeper level, to make him understand that I understood his pain; that I knew what it was like to love someone and have that love betrayed in the most vicious way possible.”

  “I’m really proud of you.” Tess reaches over and squeezes my hand, releasing it almost instantly. “I know that things are a mess right now and while I don’t agree with a lot of the choices you made, I am very proud of the person you’ve become.”

  “The one who screws over friends and lies to everyone,” I huff, finishing off the remainder of my wine.

  “No, the one who finally opened her heart to the possibility of love. You let someone in, Bree. For the first time in ten years, I saw your wall crumble and someone step right over the rubble. I’ve known you nearly my entire life, and I’ve never seen you light up the way you did when Ant would walk in a room. You love that man as much as he loves you, and at the end of the day I think that’s something pretty special.”

  “Yeah well, it doesn’t much matter now, does it?” I dry my cheeks with the back of my hand, trying to reel myself in.

  “Says who?”

  “Says me. I already lost Courtney over this. If I want any chance of rebuilding that relationship I can’t do it with Ant in my life.”

  “Bullshit,” Tess interrupts.

  I look at her for a long moment, not really sure how to respond.

  “Courtney loves you, Bree,” she finally continues. “She will find a way to forgive you with or without Anthony in the picture. Her pride is hurt right now, but I think deep down she knows she and Ant were done a long time ago, and she will get over it. What she won’t get over is you lying to her, betraying her, and then coming out the other end with nothing to show for it.”

  “I don’t think she’d see it that way.”

  “I know she does.”

  “What do you mean?” I question.

  “You think Courtney and I haven’t talked about this? Of course, we have. And she has said to me exactly what I’m saying to you. She loves you, and she wants you to be happy. She’s hurt right now, but at the end of the day you’re more important to her than any guy; especially one she dated over five years ago.”

  “I love him so much,” I choke on my words, letting the emotion of what Tess is telling me to seep through. “I don’t know if I can live without him.”

  “Then don’t.” She smiles.

  “What if it’s too late? What if I lost my one and only chance to be happy?”

  “And what if you didn’t?” she counters. “You will never know unless you try. Take it from someone who’s been there.”

  “But I don’t even know how to reach him. And I have a son; it’s not like I can just pick up on a whim and fly across the country if he’s in Rockfield.”

  “Then you wait,” she says like it’s just that simple.

  “Just like that?” I laugh bitterly.

  “Just like that.” She reaches for the wine bottle on the table, topping off her glass before leaning over and refilling mine. “Just give it some time. Ant will come back and when he does, you don’t give him any other option but to hear you out.” She pauses, taking a drink. “Maybe he’ll say no, maybe he really is willing to walk away from you that easy, but that’s something you’re just going to have to find out yourself.”

  “Do you think we could ever be as happy as you and Sebastian?” I don’t even know why I ask the question. I guess deep down I just need some reassurance.

  “I really do.” She smiles. “I see the way you look at him, Bree, and the way he looks at you.”

  “I never thought I’d want the family life. The husband and kids, the white picket fence, the dog running around in the yard. But watching Ant with Jack, it’s the first time I’ve ever even considered having more children. Because I want that with him. I want him to be a father to Jackson. I want to give him a son or daughter or both of his own. I want to walk into the kitchen in the morning to them making breakfast. I want to watch him tuck them in at night and tell them how much their daddy loves them. I want all of it. Isn’t that crazy? Like, who am I?” I ask, not sure if the question is meant for Tess or myself.

  “You’re a girl who finally understands what it means to be in love.”

  “I never thought this would be my life,” I admit, gesturing around the room. “I never thought I’d have any kids, or move across the country, or find love in the most unexpected place.”

  “But you did, you did all those things. You’re the strongest person I know, Bree Kingsley. With or without Anthony, you will prevail, because that’s what you do. You fight your way back. I’ve been watching you do it since we were little. You’re a fighter, Bree. It’s time you start fighting for what you truly want. The rest will all work itself out.”

  “I don’t know how I ever got so lucky to have you in my life,” I say, getting unusually sappy. “You have been my rock—you and Courtney—my constants in a world I could never seem to keep up with. I just want you to know how much I love you. You are my family.”

  “And you are mine,” she responds, wrapping her arms around my neck as she pulls me into a hug. “You will be happy, Bree. I know it. Because you deserve it more than anyone I’ve ever met. And I mean that with everything I have.”

  “Thank you,” it’s all I can manage to say.

  Tess is right—it’s time to fight for what I want. It’s my turn to be happy. And with a renewed sense of optimism, I make myself a promise right here and now. Anthony Treadway will be mine and once I have him, I’m never letting him go again.

  The Alabama heat is stifling compared to Connecticut. Being the beginning of September, the leaves have already started to change in Rockfield and the heat has given way to cooler temperatures. I spent the last few days there hammering out the details with the house and getting everything signed over in my mom’s name. It’s been like pulling teeth to get it all figured out, but thanks to a buddy of mine who’s in his second year of law school, we finally got it sorted, and she no longer needs to worry about her living situation.

  I still can’t believe that asshole left me the house. After everything my mom has done for him over the years and he tries to leave her with nothing. Even on his deathbed he was a selfish son of a bitch.

  I step out of the airport and look down at the text message on my phone. According to Tess, Courtney is living with a roommate just outside of Tuscaloosa—about an hour drive from here—and is usually home from work just after six. Considering it’s already five thirty, she should be home by the time I arrive.

  I don’t really have a game plan. Honestly, I’m not even sure how the hell I ended up with this plan to begin with. After spending days feeling like I couldn’t breathe, I finally decided I had to do something.

  It would’ve been so easy to answer Bree when she tried to reach out, to tell her how miserable I am without her, and beg her to take me back. But I knew it wou
ldn’t do any good but to further complicate our situation because at the end of the day her reasons for walking away were justified. Those reasons would be the very thing that would haunt our relationship should we choose to move forward, which, honestly, I don’t know is even a possibility. But I know I have to try.

  So me being the stupid ass that I am, I concocted a plan to get Courtney’s blessing. Ridiculous, I know. Who spends three hours on a plane to ask his ex-girlfriend for her permission to date her best friend? But it’s the only thing I could think of that gave me any sort of fighting chance. If Bree sees that Courtney supports this then there’s nothing stopping us from being together.

  Or at least that’s the hope…

  All I know is that I’m fucking dying here. My chest has felt like it’s seconds away from caving in since the moment I watched her walk away. I can’t eat, I barely sleep. All I can think about is her and Jackson, about the family I lost—a family I didn’t even know I wanted until a few weeks ago.

  Bree has opened my eyes in a way I never imagined possible. She’s made me see things differently, look at things from a different angle, want things I wasn’t sure I’d ever want.

  When I close my eyes, I can see her smile, the way her golden eyes sparkle, and damn if it doesn’t almost cripple me thinking that I may never get to see that again; experience all the incredible things that have got me so twisted I can barely function without her.

  What if I never get to wake up next to her again and see her sleeping peacefully in my arms, hair fanned out behind her, lips slightly parted? What if I never get to make her breakfast with Jack again? What if I never get to sit in Jackson’s room and read him his favorite book, the one he told Bree only I can read to him now because I’m so much better at the voices than she is.

  I can still see the look on her face when he said it, a mixture of humor and offense. Just thinking about it makes me chuckle, and yet the pain in my chest only swells more.

  By the time my Uber arrives at the curb, I’m in even worse shape than I was on the plane. Because now, instead of focusing on what the hell I’m doing here, I’m reliving every single memory with Bree and am fucking downright terrified that I’ll never get any more.

  Climbing into the backseat of the small sedan, I verify the address with the driver before settling into my seat.

  I’ve never been to Alabama before, never really had a reason. Once we’re out of Birmingham there’s a lot of country and not a whole hell of a lot to see, which offers very little in the way of distraction; which is something I desperately need right now.

  There’s this common misconception that men don’t experience emotions as deeply as women. We do. We’re usually just better at keeping them hidden. But anyone can look at me now and know I’m a fucking wreck. There’s no hiding it, no locking it away. The mask I spent years gluing into place has all but disappeared, and for the first time in a very long time, I’m wearing my pain as if it were the mask and not my real face.

  Only it is real. I couldn’t fake this kind of misery if I wanted to. The kind that leaves a permanent knot in the pit of your stomach and a weight on your chest that makes it feel impossible to pull in a breath let alone keep breathing for days.

  I let this center me, let it drive me, let it push my nerves down and know that it’s either this or live without Bree and Jack for the rest of my life, and I’m not prepared to do that. Even if Bree wants to be with me, as Tess says she does, I know that we will never be able to make it work with Courtney hanging over our heads.

  I’m not even sure what I’m going to say to her, only that I need to make her understand how much I love her friend and how desperately I need her.

  God, listen to me. I’m so far fucking gone it’s damn near laughable. And yet, I can’t say that I really care. When you find someone like Bree, you don’t let her go no matter what. And if you do, you’re a fucking fool.

  Because Bree Kingsley is one of a kind. A girl who has experienced more in her twenty-two years on this earth than most people do in a lifetime and is still standing. Hell, she isn’t just standing, she’s thriving, she’s succeeding, and she’s doing what only a woman like Bree can do. She’s rising above. And fuck if that doesn’t make me love her even more.

  When the driver slows outside a newer apartment complex, my focus is pulled back to where I am and why. I take a deep breath, looking up at the beige siding of the three-story apartment building.

  After paying for the ride and throwing some extra on for tip, I quickly exit the car, slinging my duffel over my shoulder before shutting the door and offering the driver a swift nod.

  Turning, I stare up at the building for several long seconds, trying to muster the courage to go inside. I’m so fucking nervous I feel like a teenager again. My insides buzz with anticipation, and my hands feel like I’ve just dipped them in water. And while I’m not excited to talk to Court, knowing what I have to say won’t be easy, it’s the outcome that this determines that has me all fucked up inside.

  Wiping my palms on my jeans, I adjust the strap of my duffel bag and head toward the front door of the building. I’m seconds away from buzzing apartment 3B when I hear her voice wash over me from behind.

  “Ant?” I spin to see Courtney, wide-eyed and gawking at me like she’s just seen a ghost, two grocery bags hanging from her hands. “What are you doing here?” she questions before I can get one single word out.

  “I was hoping we could talk,” I finally manage to say, swallowing down the knot in my throat.

  “I really don’t think there’s anything for us to say to each other.” She quickly steps past me, struggling to get her keys out of her purse with her hands full.

  “Here, let me help you.” I reach for the grocery bags, but she quickly jerks out of my reach.

  “I don’t need your help, Ant. I don’t need anything from you,” she sneers, hurt evident in her dark eyes.

  “Just give me five minutes. Please. I owe you an explanation and an apology.” I soften my voice, once again reaching for the bags which to my surprise she lets me take this time.

  Without another word she fishes her keys from her purse and quickly unlocks the door, gesturing for me to go inside before following me in. She takes off up the stairs to the right of the door, another set leading down on the left. I follow her up, waiting until she’s unlocked her apartment door before following her inside.

  “You can just set those on the table.” She gestures to a round, glass-top table just to the right of the door in the small dining area.

  Depositing the bags down, I look around the space. It reminds me a lot of Bree’s apartment—small dining room off a galley-style kitchen, living room on the other side, and a hallway that leads back to the bedrooms and bathrooms.

  When I finally look at Courtney again, she’s leaning against the back of the loveseat that’s angled to act as a separation piece between the living room and dining room, watching me intently.

  “So.” I clear my throat, gesturing around the space. “This is a nice place you have here.”

  She shrugs, gaze remaining locked on me. “It’s okay.”

  “You live here with a roommate?” I ask.

  “Alex,” She confirms.

  “Did you guys go to Alabama together?” I question, already knowing from Tess that they did.

  “We did.” She lets out a breath. “So did you come all this way to ask about my living arrangements, or was there an actual point to this visit?”

  “Right, to the point.” I nod.

  “Well, how else should I be? The last time we spoke was after I walked in on you kissing my best friend. I guess you could say I’m a little confused why the hell you’re here.”

  “As you should be. I’ve been a little confused myself honestly.” I shuffle my feet, feeling suddenly very uncomfortable. “I’m sorry about Bree, about you finding out the way you did. I never wanted that.”

  “So you’re sorry for me finding out but not for letting it happen?�
�� she bites, crossing her arms protectively over her chest.

  “I won’t apologize for it happening. I can’t. But I am sorry for hurting you. You have to know that I never wanted that.”

  “What did you think would happen, Ant? That I’d find out you and my best friend have been lying to me for months, and I’d be happy about it?”

  “Of course not, and for the record, it’s only been a couple weeks since we’ve actually been together. Bree didn’t want anything to happen until she had a chance to talk to you first,” I try to explain.

  “Well, I see that didn’t last,” she snips.

  “It didn’t. But that’s my fault. I pushed. I didn’t give her a choice. I wanted her so badly I didn’t care who got hurt. She tried to fight it, tried to deny it even, but in the end, she couldn’t resist me any more than I could resist her.”

  “And that’s supposed to make me feel better?”

  “I’m just trying to be honest.”

  “Little late for that don’t you think?” She looks down for a long moment, and when her gaze finally meets mine again I can see the tears building behind her chocolate eyes.

  I hate that I did this, that I put them there. But I also can’t take it back either. We’re far past the point of prevention.

  “Yeah, it is,” I admit. “I didn’t handle this situation very well, I know that. I should’ve told you the night we went to dinner. I wanted to. It was on the tip of my tongue so many times over the course of that night. Nothing had even happened between Bree and me at that point.”

  “When did something happen?”

  “That night when I went back to her apartment,” I say almost apologetically.

  “So you have the opportunity to tell me—don’t—and then go back and what, fuck her? Like that somehow makes any fucking sense.”

  “I know it doesn’t make any sense—trust me I do—but I can’t think straight when it comes to her. I’ve been trying like hell to do the right thing, but the second she looks at me it’s like I lose sight of everything else. It’s not an excuse, I know, but fuck, Court, I’m trying to make this right the only way I know how.”