by Jack Beal
Astronaut Robbie Flynn has a more emotional opinion of the Gemini Mission. As he looks down at his medallion of Saint Joseph of Cupertino, patron saint of astronauts, he explains, “For me, being in space is a humbling experience…it’s the moment when you’re the biggest you’ve ever been and realize you’re smaller than you ever thought you were.”
January 1, 1971. SCIENTISTS OFFER A NEW THEORY ON THE UNIVERSE. For thousands of years, humans have used math to understand and explain their surroundings. But recently, scientists propose a new theory: math can only describe the universe because the universe is purely mathematical.
January 2, 1971. MERCURY 8 SENT TO LEWIS RESEARCH CENTER IN CLEVELAND TO STUDY THE MATHEMATICAL SCIENCE OF OUTER SPACE. Members of the Original 8 will spend the month at NASA’s Lewis Research Center to learn trigonometry, physics and astronautical science. At the end of the training, astronauts will be capable of using sine and cosine functions in order to determine sound, light and electromagnetic waves in space. As a result, astronauts will be prepared to conduct valid research observations on their missions.
The memories surge over me like light waves through the darkness. If the universe is mathematical, life is nothing more than an equation. Only, I never bothered balancing the sides. I only ever cared about one side. Mine.
Not wanting to think about it, I scroll on.
January 7, 1971. USE OF RAINBOW HERBACIDES IN VIETNAM SUSPENDED. While US Officials deny any harmful effects resulting from the herbicides, the military maneuver code-named Operation Ranch Hand has formally come to an end. After nearly nine years and 20 million gallons of spraying, the final C-123 aircrafts have touched down at the Wright-Patterson Airforce Base in Ohio.
A feeling of guilt surges inside me. But why? I remember waking up in that C-123. Is it for leaving Hazel all alone? Why did I leave without telling her? As the cold, January night plays back in my mind, I watch myself telling her I’ll change, begging her to believe me. I watch her disappear from the room. When she finally returns, she slides something into my palm. I look down. The pocket watch reads two to twelve. She’s giving me a second chance. There won’t be another.
February 9, 1971. NASA’S APOLLO 14 RETURNS SAFELY. After a 9-day excursion to the moon, Apollo 14 returns with 90 pounds of samples. Astronauts showed their playful side as Alan Shepherd became the first man to golf on the moon, and Robert Flynn the first to partake in a moon-surf. Alby Baker, who also manned this mission, jokes that if he never hears Flynn singing another Beach Boys hit, it’ll be too soon.
August 12, 1971. NASA PAINTS FALSE IMAGE OF ASTRONAUTS. Undisclosed sources reveal astronauts are far from the All-American Boys NASA would have you believe. While NASA broadcasts astronauts’ playful side, is there a darker side to these so-called heroes? According to a source who wishes to remain anonymous, alcohol, adultery, and abuse are synonymous with astronaut.
It’s like waking up from a nightmare and realizing it’s not a dream. As I read on, the problems accrue.
December 12, 1971. OUR ACTIONS PROVOKING NATURAL DISASTERS. Drawing links between nuclear testing and natural disasters, environmentalists urge people to think about protecting the planet.
December 22, 1971. BIRTH DEFECTS IN CHILDREN—IS AGENT ORANGE TO BLAME? Parallel birth defects throughout Vietnam and US have scientists asking, “Are the herbicides to blame?” Experts believe the so-called harmless chemicals to be the culprits. Identical conditions, those of spinal cord irregularities, brain misshaping and neural defects, are surfacing rapidly among newborns in both countries. Scientists blame dioxin, a toxin present in the composition of herbicide, Agent Orange, for the defects. “An extremely persistent strand of pollutant, dioxin remains present and active for exceedingly long periods before becoming inactive. This poses a threat, for the longer they are present in the environment, the greater chance individuals have of exposure. Dioxin can be caught not only by ingestion and inhalation, but by simple contact…”
Unable to hold them back any longer, the rest of my memories wash over me. I watch myself strutting through Wright-Patterson Airforce Base in the dead of night, “Why, hello there,” I say.
Billy tears off a pointed blue hat, letting long copper strands fall onto her shoulders. “Billy. Billy Hall. You come to check out the goods, huh?”
I watch as the two of us scramble up into the C-123’s cabin, unconcerned with the repercussions.
I wish I had somebody to blame. I wish I could say everything in my life turned to ashes because I was born on the day Stalin ordered for everything to burn. I wish I could say none of this was my fault. But I already know I can’t.
January 1, 1977. NASA TALKS ABOUT REUSABLE SPACECRAFTS. After years of detailed studies conducted on the impact of turbulence on aircrafts, or Wake Vortex Turbulence, NASA announces the creation of reusable spacecrafts capable of withstanding multiple space missions. “Our most recent studies on Wake Vortex Encounters was propelled by astronauts’ bodily responses to space flight. While symptoms varied between individuals, all members of the space program expressed indications of nausea, vertigo, uncontrolled eye movement, and the sensation of falling. We are currently working on developing a series of innovative technological advances that will render vessels sturdier and more secure. As a result, astronauts will experience less adverse effects on their trips to space, and, in being more robust, spacecrafts will be reusable…”
January 19, 1977. SNOW IN THE BAHAMAS? That’s right. For the first time in recorded history, the island of Nassau is covered in snow.
My mind steers me back to the day when Florida, too, was blanketed in white. Only this time, I know the tall blonde in my bed isn’t Hazel. As the scene speeds by, I clench my fists, as if trying to hold onto the pocket watch. Even if I already know it’s too late for that.
January 20, 1977. PRESIDENT CARTER IS AMONGST MULTITUDE OF WORLD LEADERS TO ASK PEOPLE TO COME TOGETHER. In his inauguration speech, Jimmy Carter solicits Americans to work together for the better of not only the nation, but also the planet. Similar messages have been reported amongst other members of the G7, a group of seven countries working to fight energy crisis, recession, and economic failure, amongst other things…
I recall sloshing through the wet snow when a voice stops me in my tracks. “Your wife is in the hospital!” I push the thought away.
February 18, 1977. ENTERPRISE TAKES CAPTIVE FLIGHT ON 747. NASA Space Shuttle Enterprise takes maiden flight atop 747 Boeing. The two-and-a-half-hour flight was the first of five scheduled tests to evaluate the shuttle’s aeronautic and landing qualities while being coupled to another aircraft. Results will help shape ensuing missions into outer space…
I remember racing through the hospital and bursting through room 747. Seeing Hai’Kela lying in the hospital bed, her face wet with tears. I swipe to the next page.
February 25, 1977. EXPLOSION OF TRANSPORTER — 31 MILLION GALLONS OF OIL SPILL INTO OCEAN. After reportedly catching on fire west of Honolulu, Hawaiian Patriot spills nearly 100,000 tons of oil into the Pacific.
I don’t want to remember, but my conscience won’t let me forget. Growing darker than the Pacific’s oil-infused waters, my heart sinks. I watch myself following the nurse into the morgue before she hands me the swaddling cloth. I remember the plastic bracelet with the inscription L. Flynn. Leilani Flynn. As I hold my daughter’s tiny, unmoving body, I falter. Her death is all my fault. As my body sways, the nurse reaches out to steady me. “Be strong for your wife. Be strong for your son.”
As quickly as I wanted to forget, I suddenly need to remember. I have to find my boy! I flip forward feverishly.
January 3, 1983. ’83 BEGINS WITH A BANG…LITERALLY. Hawaii’s Mount Kilauea erupts.
So does my marriage. I remember the postman coming with the letter. I know the words by heart. I can alm
ost hear Hazel’s words spinning around me right now, as if written in the wind. “I can’t help but wish I could turn back the hands of time! But we both know you alone are capable of that… If your promise stands true, then return it to me. I’ll be waiting at the place our world began.”
I remember barging into my son’s empty room before turning to the deadbolted door to its left. How could I forget breaking down the door? I can still see the picture on the wall if I close my eyes: a single sky-blue flower painted on an otherwise untouched canvas. Leilani, a whisper circles inside of my mind. Hawaiian for heaven flower. Leilani Flynn, my daughter.
As the gravity of the situation engulfs me, it heaves me to the ground. How could I have been so selfish?
With a heavy heart, I turn the page.
June 13, 1983. WITH EVERY END COMES A NEW BEGINNING. NASA Pioneer 10 is the first spacecraft to fly outside of our planetary system. After clearing Neptune’s orbit, which happens to be further than Pluto’s due to current rotational cycles, the space probe turns its back on the solar system forever. But, as the saying goes, with every end comes a new beginning. Pioneer 10 continues into the great unknown...and never looks back.
Robbie Flynn does the same.
I scroll through the images that will bring me to 1989. There are deadly viruses brought on by eating, while whole populations are dying of famine. I watch some astronauts explore space untethered while others barely make it off the ground before going up in flames. There are nuclear power plants spewing radioactive waste into the air, and holes in the ozone layer letting radiation in. At the end, I see the new stories being built in orbit, while old yarns unravel down below.
March 19, 1989. 4,400-YEAR-OLD MUMMY DISCOVERED. In the midst of an ever-expanding technological trend toward the future, a mummy unearthed at Gaza has the world peering into the past. Why has the mummified body of a young woman found near the base of the Great Pyramid of Cheops got countless so mystified? She’s smiling.
Ancient Egyptologist, P.D. Kershaw, has a theory for this grin. “The more we delve back through time, the more evidence we have that Egyptians living during the Age of the Pyramids believed in a different kind of afterlife than we previously suspected. Unlike their predecessors who thought of life, death and rebirth linearly, this civilization has left evidence suggesting they thought past, current and future lives capable of overlapping. The smiling mummy was holding a feather, an ancient symbol of ascension, and believed to aid in connecting to the other side…”
Hand shaky, I turn the page.
November 12, 1989. PIECE OF SPACE SHUTTLE CHALLENGER FOUND. A hunk of metal approximately four feet wide and eight feet long was discovered off the shores of Cocoa Beach, Florida yesterday afternoon. Ironically, among witnesses counts Mercury Astronaut, Robert Flynn.
The missing pieces of my memory reshape in my mind. I remember all the commotion, and somebody screaming out they’d found something in the water. I see the wall of bodies peering into the ocean and hear the crashing of the waves. I watch as we guide the metal panel toward the shore and drag it onto dry land. I remember the man standing beside me, his voice warped and distant as he exclaims it’s a piece of the space shuttle that blew up seconds after take-off. I try to talk but the ball in my throat won’t let me. I was supposed to be on that mission.
I stand there stock-still, staring at the barnacle-covered hunk of debris. My mind is caught in a repeating spiral of questions. Why wasn’t I on that flight? Why am I still alive when my crewmates aren’t?
“Come on! Dig!”
I turn around starkly. “What did you say?”
A little boy squints up at me, his black curls springing around his face. “I said we’ve got to dig!”
“Sorry,” I say, shifting my gaze from the boy back to the piece of the Challenger. “I can’t.”
“You can’t? Or you won’t?” he screams, tears filling his almond-shaped eyes.
“It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just this piece of metal here is real important. You see, it belonged to a space shuttle…”
“You just don’t get it, do you? You’re always so busy looking out there,” he screams, waving up at the sky, “you never take the time to pay attention to what’s right here!”
The boy’s voice resonates around me like echoes from my past. Once upon a time, I cast those same words at my father. As the new moon wanes and waxes until it has come full circle, it’s my own son who returned them back to me.
“Sometimes, the most extraordinary ventures we embark on are those that will bring us back home.”
~Jack Beal
TWENTY THREE
ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MAN
1990-2020
With every ensuing image, my body weakens. It’s not simply the fatigue that comes with age, but that rooted in regret. I watch old wars fizzle out only for new feuds to quickly take their place. There are webs of information that sought out solidarity being used to tear people apart. I see fingerprinting technologies that focus on our differences while advances in DNA strive to show how we’re connected. There are earthquakes that leave whole continents trembling, cyclones that rip through nations and tsunamis that drown others. And yet, rather than offering helping hands, we raise walls of denial and point fingers of blame. At the end, it’s 1995, the hottest year recorded to date. The year NASA scientists declare the planet is moving into a state of warming, and we’re to blame.
January 19, 1995. 20,000-YEAR-OLD ART DISCOVERED. A series of caves left undisturbed for thousands of years were discovered yesterday in the Ardèche Region of Southern France. Deep within their hollows, archaeologists have found numerous intact paintings of various styles and sizes. But that’s not all. Alongside of these rock-art masterpieces, the excavators have found an unlikely accompaniment: bones. Scientists believe these discoveries suggest early humans were creating a record of the world around them. This leads to an even bigger question: for who?
October 6, 1995. 51 PEGASI...A NEW SUN? Swiss scientists discover the first planet outside of our solar system to orbit a sun-like star. The breakthrough not only casts doubts upon previously accepted beliefs about planetary orbit, but also rekindles a primordial question: Does life exist outside of our solar system?
October 21, 1995. STS-73 COLUMBIA LAUNCH—A SUCCESS. Upon the Space Shuttle Challenger, the US Microgravity Laboratory’s second mission (USML-2) launched successfully late yesterday morning. The six participating astronauts who are divided into two teams, the blue team and the red team, will be overseen by seasoned astronaut, Robert Flynn on this sixteen-day mission designed to test the role of gravity in multiple situations. Further studies will be conducted at Marshall Space Flight Center in Huntsville, Alabama.
Before I can take a moment to brace myself, the images begin speeding before my eyes. I watch in awe as the world turns, falling further apart with every rotation. As natural disasters run alongside of the manmade kind, the world’s catastrophes double. The world is at extremes. I watch guilty men walk free while the innocent drop like flies. I see species that go extinct without care while others are meticulously being cloned. There are nuclear detonations that pollute our lands and ethnic cleansings that pollute our hearts. When the slideshow stops, the year is 2001.
February 12, 2001. SURPRISES ON EROS 433. For the first time in history, NASA has landed a spacecraft, the NEAR Shoemaker, on an asteroid. The NEAR Shoemaker was expected to cease functioning upon landing. But to NASA’s great surprise, the spacecraft has survived. Why is that so important? With the craft’s instruments remaining in working order, the NEAR Shoemaker can conduct the first research of its kind on a landmass other than our planet. As scientists explore the farthest end of the electromagnetic spectrum, they hope to gain important insight into these powerful rays of l
ight…
March 20, 2001. US DOESN’T SIGN KYOTO AGREEMENT. The US Government refused to sign the agreement that seeks to battle climate change by holding countries responsible for their greenhouse emissions…
August 9, 2001. NASA LAUNCHES GENISIS. Yesterday afternoon, NASA launched the first spacecraft since Apollo to collect samples to bring back to Earth. Scientists hope to attain samples of cosmic wind to learn more about the origins of our own planet as well as planets far, far away…
A burning question lights up deep down in my core. It issues like magma through my veins, blazing through my heart before bursting from my lips like flames. “But why?” Why are we so interested in looking out there? And what does it have to do with what happened to me, all those years ago?
Eager to understand, I swipe my finger across the tablet’s glowing screen. But as the headline rises to my eyes like billows of smoke, the flame inside of me snuffs out.
September 11, 2001. TWIN TOWERS COLLAPSE.
Before I can read further, the memories fall over me, burying me beneath them. I remember it all. I want to turn away, but the stones I’ve once cast are now the same being thrown upon me.
Caught beneath the wreckage of my own actions, I’m forced to see. Time spins back six years earlier. I’m scribbling notes in a diner when a young man approaches me and asks to sit down. I hardly acknowledge his existence, so consumed I am with my work. When he tells me he’s leaving, I let out a sigh of relief. He stands at the door for a long time, as if waiting for me to say something. But I just turn back to my paper. I’ve got to solve the equation. I don’t even look up as my son walks out of my life for the last time. I don’t even say goodbye.
The scene fast-forwards. I hear through the grapevine that my son is doing well. He’s found a good job in New York, gotten married, and started a family of his own. I never call. I’m always too busy. “Later,” I promise myself.