“Why can’t I be your vessel?”
Kayla’s question drew my attention, the barest hint of vulnerability in her voice. The hope in her eyes awoke my sympathy. “Little one….” How to explain it? “We’re too close.”
“I thought that was the whole point. Isn’t that what you’re trying to get with him?” She cried out. “We already have that; there’s no need to wait.”
I gave her a sad smile and my fingers grazed her cheek. “Kayla, do you really want me to hear every thought that goes through your mind? Would you really want to experience every one of my emotions?”
Her expression quailed for a moment, all of those things unspoken between us coming to her mind. I knew of her feelings for me, knew she would grow out of them in time when someone else more fitting came into her life, and she knew I would never return those feelings. To have it thrust in her face in such a manner would be cruel and I couldn’t do that.
Kayla’s jaw firmed and her eyes hardened. “I’d be willing to do it. If it would save you, I’d do it.”
“I know you would, without a doubt in my mind. Thank you, but it’s not necessary. With Jacob I can build that connection and still maintain a wall. You are my daughter and I am too close to you. We’d be in each other’s heads all the time.”
Her shoulders sagged and as she glanced away, blinking rapidly. I turned my attention elsewhere to give her the privacy she needed to collect herself. If there was one thing I’d come to understand over the years, it was that Kayla could bounce back from any crisis. She had a resilience that amazed me. Humans weren’t as fragile as many of my kind believed.
Kayla kissed the top of my head and rose. “I have a paper to work on. I’ll see you tomorrow, old man.”
I captured her hand, gave it a squeeze and brought it to my lips. “Study hard, child.”
Her lips flashed in a genuine smile and my heart lightened. She wasn’t going to spend the evening moping. I watched her leave and quiet once more settled over the room. I focused my attention back on the task at hand, but my efforts were hampered by a growing disquiet. Why was I taking so much time with Jacob? The mental connection was there. I could leave right now and have what I wanted before midnight. Despite what I had said to Kayla and my own worries, I was certain Jacob’s will was strong enough to weather my mental possession and he was without a doubt healthy enough to become my vessel.
Again, I hesitated.
Past mistakes haunted me. Twice I had sought a vessel and twice I lost men dear to me. This time I wanted Jacob to invite me into his life. I didn’t want to take, or force him into a position where he would grow to resent me. Jacob had a hot temper and valued his independence far too much to accept chains or dictates.
What happened to picking someone biddable?
I closed my eyes and allowed the link between us to open up. It flowed silvery and unbroken between us. Jacob was stalking home from his job at the cafeteria on campus. His thoughts were disorganized, filled with cursing, and his emotions teetered between irritation and indignation.
“Kristair!” Jacob paused in his steps and looked up at the moon, a bright corona circling it. “Get outta my damn head!”
Startled, I drew back. How long had he been able to sense my presence? I smiled to myself and withdrew the rest of the way, keeping the barest tether on him. No, someone more pliant would not delight me nearly as much as Jacob did.
My headache returned, sharp pains stabbing through my temples. I set aside my books and journals to concentrate on the pain, willing it to go away. As I slipped into my meditation and released the tension holding me together, the pain in my skull vanished. On the horizon of my consciousness I sensed another presence. Not Jacob. Someone else, or multiple someones.
Fear spiked along my spine, ran like acid through my veins and froze my thoughts. Desperate, I attempted to put up another barrier between myself and the strengthening awareness in my mind and as I did new agony lanced through my skull. They started speaking, thousands upon thousands of whispers. They drove out every other thought, overwhelmed me with their presence. Sucked my own individuality into their midst until I was terrified I wouldn’t be able to find myself again.
I bit my lip and blood flooded my mouth. I concentrated on the bitter, familiar tang of it. I fought them off, my energy waning, until bit by bit I began to regain my sense of self and the whispers faded from my mind.
“Stubborn fool.” It was the ghost of an echo, faintly feminine, and left me wondering if I had imagined it at all.
I pushed myself up from where I’d fallen onto the floor. My limbs shook, resisting my efforts to get myself back in my chair, and after a moment I gave up and leaned back against it. That had been the worst attack so far.
Fear curled in my stomach and I sank my head into my trembling hands. Was I going crazy? Was I just imagining the voices, the presence? There was no lingering trace of them in my mind now; the headache and pressure were gone. Or were they even real? Had I been attacked?
My lip ached, my scalp stung from the deep scratches I’d inflicted on myself, but there was no hint anyone else had been involved. That’s what I hated more than anything. Not knowing. The scream from the frustration, the uncertainty, the anxiety of it all built in my chest and lodged in my throat because I refused to allow it to escape.
I let my head fall back on the chair and opened my eyes to stare at the ceiling. No, no, no… I wasn’t going to give into despair this easily. I thought of Jacob, sensed the resonance of his laughter. He was in all likelihood enjoying the evening with his two friends. They always seemed able to cajole him out of his tempers.
A longing to see him overwhelmed me. I hadn’t planned on visiting him tonight. I wanted to give him some space, but before I knew it I had healed the scratches and bite, and had risen to get my coat. I wouldn’t stay long, just enough to see him smile, see if his friend Steve had managed to coax him into doing his homework.
It was bitterly cold outside and the air held the scent of snow to come. The campus was decorated for Christmas, lights and wreaths adorning the buildings. I wondered if Jacob was going to go home to Louisiana for the holiday. The idea made me uncomfortable. I didn’t want him to go. I frowned, walking faster. It wasn’t because I would miss him. It wasn’t that at all. I just didn’t want the connection between us to fade. I’d put too much work into it.
The alley behind Jacob’s apartment was dark, but the light in his room was on, spilling warmth out into the street. I remained where I was and resisted climbing the fire escape to perch outside his window as I usually did when I wanted to see him. Sometimes we would converse, depending on Jacob’s mood. Other times he would entertain himself by giving me teasing glimpses of his naked body or a show designed to tempt my self-control.
Jacob enjoyed his little games, his flirt with danger.
I leaned against the old bricks of the building across the street and watched his window. Jacob had strung blue Christmas lights around the frame and wrapped it with greenery. He appeared in the window, his face framed by the wreath. Even though he was several stories up, I could see every detail in his expression as he searched the alley. I shrank back into the shadows, drinking in the little furrow between his brows, the way the corners of his mouth turned down just a trifle before he turned away again.
What are you thinking of, Jacob? Do you miss me?
It was too much to hope for and I was reluctant to touch his thoughts and emotions only to discover I was wrong. The night grew colder, the gloom in the alley became deeper as the moon sank lower and disappeared behind the buildings, which rose up to fade into the night sky. Every once in awhile Jacob’s face flickered in the window, but the time between each appearance grew longer until finally the window went dark as he shut off the lights.
A frigid sensation fell in a hard lump into my stomach. Whether or not those whispering voices in my mind really existed or not, they were right. I was a stubborn fool.
I reached out and brushed a
gainst Jacob’s mind. He was grumbling to himself, discontented and sleepy. Guilt swept through me for denying us what we both wanted and I pushed away from the wall, flying up to land lightly outside of Jacob’s window.
His back was to me, blankets tangled around his waist. I had to smile when I noticed that the bed had moved a few inches closer to the window. A few months ago it had been right up against his desk on the other side of the room and now it was only a foot away. My eyes flickered over his room. I was beginning to know it almost as well as my own. Papers and books littered his desk in a disorganized mess except for the spot where his mother’s picture sat. Posters lined the walls, mostly NFL paraphernalia except for one of a comic book I had heard him talking about. A woman with deep red hair and tears falling from her eye was wrapped around a man with elaborate armor and a huge sword. Dawn and Death.
Jacob’s thoughts slipped into repose, but his body curled and uncurled restlessly, and he muttered in his sleep. I concentrated on the locked window and smiled as it clicked open, sliding soundlessly up. When I slipped through and came to stand at the foot of his bed Jacob relaxed, his breathing becoming more even as sleep claimed him totally.
Troubled, I turned to go again, making sure to relock the window so he wouldn’t know I visited.
What was happening?
Chapter 4
KRISTAIR WAS there, just outside my window. I knew he was. I sensed his gaze the moment he arrived though my mind shied away from asking how I could be so certain without looking. It was more than his eyes on me through the glass. It was in the raw desire that swept through me whenever he neared.
I wrapped the blanket tighter around my shoulders and curled over on my side, so my back was to the window in an effort to shut him out. Somehow, I felt the bitter air crawling with icy fingers over his skin. It sent a ghostly shiver through my body.
“I wouldn’t be so cold if you’d let me in.”
His voice in my mind was rich with all the erotic promise my imagination could conjure. I should’ve known that faking sleep wouldn’t have fooled him. “Let me chisel off a piece of my heart, Kristair. Why the fuck would a corpse worry about how damned cold it is?”
I refused to turn around and look at him because it would only make the need heating the blood in my veins that much worse.
“Jacob, you wound me. I’m a lamb at heart.”
I tried to block out his voice, which was laced with amusement. I attempted to ignore how much I’d missed him over the Christmas break. I’d almost broken down and come back early. Almost. The thought of coming back on the hope he’d missed me as well was too much for my pride. At least he hadn’t made me wait long. I hid a smile, turning my face into the crook of my arm. My plane had landed this morning before classes and I was more than okay with my personal hot stalker waiting for me when I went to bed.
“Look at me. I grow weary of only seeing your back.” There was a hunger in his voice that fed my own. “Are you naked underneath your blankets?”
Oh, he’d come to know me well. The sheets whispered over my bare skin, evoking tantalizing images of his hands stroking the muscles on my abdomen, of his long, lean body wrapped around my compact one. I wanted to throw off the covers so that he could see me hard and throbbing.
“Sorry, no peep show tonight. Why don’t you head down to the Rorschach? I’m sure there are plenty of sights there you will enjoy.” I held my breath, forced myself to keep from turning around. I must be outta my mind. What if he called my bluff?
I was tempted to taunt him with what he couldn’t have, something I haven’t done in awhile. I used to sprawl on top of the comforter, running my hands over my chest, fingers toying with the patch of hair between my pecs, tugging on the small golden rings through my nipples. I would stroke myself, planting my heels on the bed, arching myself up high and enjoying the sensation of his eyes burning me.
Yep, I was insane to consider doing that again. I don’t know what had gotten into me, except that I’m attracted to risk and Kristair represented the ultimate danger. To tease him and get away with it was thrilling beyond words.
Midnight eyes bored into the back of my neck, willing me to turn around to face him. I was scared. Not of what he was, but that I would give into this restlessness inside me.
“So you’re dancing at the Rorschach now? Tell me what nights you work so I can attend and scare away any other would-be suitors.”
Even knowing he was only partially joking, I choked back a laugh, turning my face into my elbow even more. Damn, he made me laugh and somehow kept me from being scared of him. How disarming.
Yeah, I teased him until I began to suspect that not all of the legends were true and he could come into my home without being invited. Too many times I’d woken up with the instinct he had been standing at the foot of my bed watching me sleep. So I’d stopped teasing, unwilling to push whatever silent boundary he’d set up. At first I couldn’t understand why he didn’t just take what he was after. He wanted me. He could get to me, and I wouldn’t have been able to fight him off. However, it finally clicked. Kristair wanted to win the entire game. Nothing else would do other than my full surrender.
Images flooded my mind. Kristair and I entwined naked on my bed with nothing covering us but the sheen of sweat. He was nuzzling my throat, slithering down my body, his tongue darting into my navel. Then I was slamming hard into him as he writhed underneath me. Damn. Even the thoughts of him biting me were erotic now. What really screwed with my head was not knowing whether the fantasies were my own or if they were planted by him.
“It’s all you, my impetuous friend. Only you would think of fucking me instead of the reverse.”
Great. Was nothing sacred? He sounded amused and intrigued. Before I knew it, I’d uncurled my legs and twisted to face him, the blanket falling away to expose my thigh. I looked up into his ageless eyes, trying to hide the need in mine. My bed was flush up against the wall, just under the window where he crouched. If the glass wasn’t separating us all I’d have to do was reach up to touch him. The wind from the Monongahela River tugged at his clothes, bits of frost swirled in the air, some landing on his scalp and lashes. I preferred men with long hair I could sink my fingers into, but he made bald damn sexy. I touched my fingertips to the glass and the chill formed goose bumps over my naked skin.
A faint hint of a smile touched his lips as I studied his face and struggled to remain detached. Kristair wasn’t pretty, but then I’d never liked pretty men. His features were hard, with a distinct scar over his upper lip, and his nose was somewhat crooked. The minor flaws did nothing to lessen my attraction. However, his cheekbones were elegant, his mouth sensual, and his eyes undid me every time. The heat in them seared and the loneliness that he couldn’t quite hide tore at something I refused to name.
“Would it be such a blow to your arrogant pride to yield?”
The words were mocking though his tone wasn’t and for once I didn’t rise to his taunt. He placed his fingertips over mine and I swore I could feel him and not the glass.
“What the fuck are you going to do? Break in here and take what you want if I don’t?” My heart beat a little faster, my breath quickened.
“You know I will not.”
Won’t… not can’t. Why was I putting up such a fight? He got under my damned skin like nobody had before. It was his aura of isolation. The idea that a creature so powerful could be unfulfilled, and that I could supply the need for him, left me speechless. I loved being aware of the danger in him, yet knowing I was safe. I wanted the chance to dominate him, to manipulate him the way he’d manipulated me, but it pissed me off to know that to get what I wanted I had to give in first. I wanted him. I ached to have my hands on him, hard and possessive, following the sleek line of his spine. I coveted his mouth devouring me, and taking my cock down into his throat. He was a holy obsession I couldn’t get out of my mind.
All I had to do was flip open the lock and he was mine. Yet, I didn’t move. I was at a crossroa
d. Either I took the pass I was handed off and went for the glory or else I remained stagnant. Kristair wouldn’t force the issue. He was making me responsible for my own fate and all the consequences of my decisions. It was almost as infuriating as if he had given me no choice because at least then I could lay all the blame at his feet.
His eyes were such a dark brown they appeared almost black and fleeting sympathy flickered in their depths. I wished I knew what he was thinking. It was only fair since I could hide nothing from him. My mind, heart, and soul were laid bare every time I saw him. I wanted to hide and shove my head under the pillow until the sensation of being exposed disappeared even as I wallowed in it. He knew me more intimately than anyone should.
“You wish to know my mind?” Our eyes locked fiercely until I tore my gaze away. I nodded, my tongue thick as it tried to work some moisture into my mouth. Jesus Christ, why was I so nervous? It was past time things were even between us.
As his mind brushed against my own I gasped, shrinking back, my hands fisting in my blankets. Fuck. It was too much. His emotions overwhelmed me, a riptide of loneliness, rage, tenderness and, strangely enough, fear. “Jus’ stop. Hold up for fuck’s sake!” The link between us faded and I could breathe again.
Shaking, I sat up and wrapped my arms around my knees. My defenses were stripped away and it scared the hell outta me. I wouldn’t meet his eyes until I realized I was hiding like some damned pansy and forced myself to look at him. My jaw squared. “Okay, let’s try that again.” His emotions washed over me, much gentler this time. I didn’t understand how he could contain such wild sorrow and hide it as well as he did.
I rose up on my knees and unlocked the window jerking it open. The surprise widening his eyes echoed my own. Freezing wind blasted into my room and I gasped as it draped around me like a shroud, icy prickles sweeping over my body.
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