“What restrictions are you going to put on me?” I was no fool, there were always limits, and since they considered me enough of a danger as it was, just as long as they didn’t follow me every second, and they afforded me some privacy, I could work around their rules.
“Your consciousness will be locked within Jacob’s form since that’s the vessel you chose. You will not be able to move between time and space. Where he goes, there you will be as well. You can choose to project yourself so he can see you or so he can feel you. Not both at once. What you choose to tell him is your own affair, but bear in mind there are some concepts he isn’t capable of understanding.” There was a pause. “And this is only between you and Jacob, and only for the purpose we set you to. Do not use this reprieve as an attempt to connect with Kayla again or to set other mortal affairs to right. Only he will be able to connect with you.”
I pondered over their strictures. They were both more than I hoped for and still not enough. I was greedy. I wanted to hold Jacob, not just occupy a corner of his thoughts. He could see me or feel me but not at the same time. At least he’d always be able to hear me. Two weeks. Such a short time in which to share everything I wanted to share, to convince Jacob to let go if I didn’t come up with an alternate way for us to be together.
“I understand.” Excitement spiked before it became muted by sorrow and fear. So soon and we would be linked again. The very weight of it, the anticipation, overwhelmed all thought. What was I going to do? What was I going to say? As much as I wanted them to release me this very moment, I knew the two weeks were going to pass quicker than either of us would be ready for. It hurt that I wouldn’t be allowed to contact Kayla though, and seemed unnecessarily unfair. If anyone would understand the limits and oddity of it all, it was her.
“If you are ready, we will send you back now.”
“No.”
They seemed a little startled at my vehemence and when my Mistress spoke there was an undercurrent of amusement in her tone. “We thought you were anxious to see your Jacob again. Why do you delay now? Do you seek yet another way to thwart your destiny?”
“For me to reverse it, I need Jacob’s cooperation, and that might take some fast talk and hard arguments on my part.” I smiled inwardly. “Mo chroí is more stubborn than most.”
“In another time and place you would’ve been well suited to him.”
“We still are, despite the circumstances.” I considered the problem, again trying to quell my excitement. “Leave me be. Let me think on it.” I drew my thoughts and emotions in on myself, blocking off my connection with Jacob so I could think clearly and isolating myself from the Ascended. They pulled back, leaving me to my privacy and, for the first time since Jacob’s pull had separated me from my companions, their presence seemed less of a prison and more the community it should have been.
Two weeks. Mo chroí, why does it seem like we never have the time we both desire?
Chapter 12
I WOKE up, my eyes gritty and muscles sore from having slept too hard and too heavy, yet tempered by a deep sense of peace. Kristair was no longer with me. I wasn’t sure if he’d ever really been there or if I’d finally cracked, and frankly, I didn’t give a shit if I had. Last night had been so strange, so unreal, and remembering it now, it was very cloudy and mixed up. It didn’t matter how much I thought on it; it still seemed more fantasy than reality.
I wanted to linger in bed, roll over and see if I could capture my dreams again, but a new sense of purpose drove me from the bed. I found my clothes in a damp heap on the floor so I knew at least that part of it hadn’t been a delusion. The nagging headache also told me I’d lost it and bawled like a freaking baby.
Scooping the clothes up, I tossed them into a hamper and quickly got dressed. I wasn’t ready to deal with Steve quite yet and the sun was streaming through the window, so I’d have to wait before I could talk to Tony. But, I knew right where to find Kayla. Probably best I started with her anyway.
The walk to the cathedral didn’t take long. Even if she was in class, this was where she always came in between them. In Kristair’s office. Her office now, I should say. Bet the university hated that, having Kristair’s library in the hands of an undergraduate student. Picturing their expressions of arrogant dismay had me grinning. The expression seemed almost strange.
Kayla’s eyes widened in surprise when I walked in. I hadn’t been back up here since I’d retrieved Kristair’s torc from his burned-out rooms. It had been completely renovated; Kayla had made it her own. Old maps hung on the wall, matted and framed, some of countries long since gone. The desk was less utilitarian than Kristair’s had been, made of gleaming hardwood, and a fancy computer took up most of the top.
“Before you say anything I want to apologize.”
Kayla tilted her head. “Are you okay?”
“I don’t know honestly. I’m better, I think, or I just might be going crazy. Either way, I’m tired of that damn rollercoaster I’ve been on. I can’t take it anymore, for myself or for you either.” Kayla was dealing with her own shit and she didn’t need me bringing her down anymore with mine.
“You’ve certainly seemed hell bent on losing it lately… but you seem different today.” She rose and came around the desk. “Come on; we can talk in the library. No one will disturb us there.”
I experienced a warm rush of pleasure as I stepped into Kristair’s old haven, and not entirely my own either. That little section of my brain where Kristair’s presence lingered almost hummed. For myself, I couldn’t believe it had taken me so long to come back to this place.
Kristair’s spirit lingered in the rows upon rows of bookcases, some locked and some containing artifacts other than books. The sense of his presence struck me, more here than any other place. I wasn’t sure if it was because this had been his legacy or because of what had happened last night. A quick glance at Kayla’s expression told me I wasn’t the only one who felt it, though.
“Do you think he’s gone? I mean really gone?” I asked.
She closed her eyes, a quick rush of sorrow crossing her face, but when she opened her eyes again, her gaze held acceptance, almost peace. “I didn’t used to think so. I held on thinking one day I was going to come here and he was going to be sitting right at that table or puttering through the shelves. He could spend hours here and did so many times,” she said, her voice lost in the warmth and comfort of memories.
“When did it change? For you I mean? When did you start thinking he might be really gone?” I walked over and slung my arm around her shoulders.
“The other night, when I got his letter.” Kayla moved away from me and ran her fingertips down the leather spine of a book. “We had made emergency provisions for this library when I started school here and I put them into effect when you came back last spring and told me he was gone. But now I have the paperwork guaranteeing everything in here is mine. I suppose I should get a lawyer. I’ll find one in a couple days when I’m a bit steadier.”
“I’m sorry. I’ll never be able to say that enough. I know I’ve put you through the frickin’ wringer with my attitude all these months.”
She cast a glance over her shoulder, warm and loving. “Attitude doesn’t even begin to describe it, hotshot.” She hesitated then gestured to the table. “Sit down. We need to talk.”
I pulled a chair out for her at the table then braced myself for whatever was coming. There was something else in that paperwork Kristair had left for her, something that had to do with me. I reached over and took her hand. “Out with it. I can take it.”
Again she cocked her head and studied me, then kind of nodded as if she had come to a decision. “He left some things for you too. A house in town and half his savings.”
I stared at her, appalled. “No way, Kayla. That’s yours.” I couldn’t take it, even if I wanted it, which I didn’t. I couldn’t in good conscience accept such a thing.
She shook her head and let her gaze drift over the shelves again.
“I have everything I want here in this room. As for the money, he’d set up a trust fund for me years ago. That will be more than enough to keep me secure without the additional half. So it’s not like you’re stealing anything. It was Kristair’s money to begin with.”
“But the house—isn’t it the same place Kristair raised you in? Don’t you want your own damn home?”
“God, no.” I blinked at her insistence. She was serious. “Bless Kris for trying and he was a good father to me, but that place was too lonely. I was by myself all day and I only had so much time with him in the evenings. I mean, he stayed with me all night and he tried his best, but it never really felt like a home. For either of us.”
“But school’s going to be over in the spring. You’re not going to have the dorm. What do you plan on doing then?” I argued, not ready to back down. That was her place. I had no business taking it, even if she just sold the thing.
“I have some property of my own, some land Nerissa owned. Kristair had a townhouse built there and put the deed in my name years ago. I could always go there if I wanted to, or maybe go to grad school, or travel. I don’t know. I haven’t decided yet.”
It didn’t sit well with me. It didn’t sit well at all. Hell, to be honest, I hated it, and my lover had known I would’ve too. I wanted to earn what I got, not have it handed to me. As for Kristair, well, he had to take care of what was his and I couldn’t argue with him about it, and the bastard knew that. From the look on Kayla’s face, I knew I wouldn’t be able to argue with her either. Her mind was made up and she was far more stubborn than her father was.
“I don’t like it.”
“I know you don’t, Jake, but look at it this way: it was his last wish.”
“Damn, girl, you’re as good with the arguments as he was.” It still hurt. The idea of a will made the reality of him being gone so much realer. Was that even a word? For once Kristair’s voice didn’t correct my choice of words. I sighed. Maybe all I’d have of him was his voice lingering in my head and dreams of us together as I slept, but at least I wasn’t entirely alone.
“Does that mean you’re not going to give me any grief?”
“I think I’ve done enough of that already.” Besides, it didn’t mean I had to use the money. I could save it for her kids or something or maybe a house for my mom instead of that dinky little trailer of hers. I’d think of something.
“What changed, Jake? Something happened last night. You’re different.”
I shrugged. “Maybe I decided to listen to you after all.”
“As much as I’d love to believe you now recognize my natural wisdom, I don’t. Something happened. Steve tried to call, you know, to apologize. I don’t know what happened with Tony. He disappeared right after you, and Steve was rather upset about everything. He was sorry even before I sat him down and had a talk with him.”
For some reason that image put a smile to my face. I could only imagine Steve’s reaction to a lecture from a white girl who only came up to his shoulder. Kayla’s features may be delicate and those dimples would always throw me off, but she was almost more forceful than my Ma. I almost wished I’d witnessed her telling Steve off.
“Don’t worry about it. It was just as much my fault as his. We were just blowing off some steam. Guys do that.”
“Bullshit. You know what Steve’s biggest problem is? He feels guilty too. And just like a man, he’s taking it out on someone else instead of dealing with it. And you are letting him get away with it instead of just talking to him!”
I glanced at the exit. Somehow I got the impression Kayla was just warming up to her lecture, only it didn’t seem half so funny now that I was on the receiving end. “What’s he got to feel guilty about? He ain’t done nothing.” Her observation surprised me. I knew my friend took things too seriously, but not so much that he’d beat himself up over something I’d done.
“Jake, when are you going to drop the ain’t?”
“When it stops annoying you.” When Kristair’s voice in my head stopped correcting me.
Kayla rolled her eyes and muttered something under her breath. “The point is Steve wishes he could’ve done more and not just for Tony, but for you as well. I guess he thinks of himself as an older brother to you two idiots and he blames himself for what happened.”
“That’s stupid. He shouldn’t be taking that shit on himself, big brother or not.”
“He also hates it that you don’t confide in him anymore.”
“Really?” That gave me pause. Kayla nodded. “Well, he doesn’t make it easy. I mean, he blames Kristair for everything and I don’t have the energy to defend him all the time, you know.” It was damned frustrating.
“Actually, I do know.”
“You would.” I gave her a small smile. “Okay, I’ll talk with Steve later. I promise. I owe him an apology anyway.” Not for keeping that last secret, but I shouldn’t have lost my temper the way I did. It never should’ve almost come to blows between us.
“Thank you.” She patted my hand and smiled back with that impish twist to her lips.
“Before I go, there’s something I need to tell you. I don’t know if it’d help explain things or not. Before Kristair… before he left, he finished that ritual of his people’s. You know the one we talked about. The one where he left his soul behind in me.” At least that was how I understood it.
“I kinda figured that. You’re different. Not quite the way you used to be, yet not quite all Kristair, but like a combination of the both.” She paused and when she spoke again her voice was troubled. “Though there were times when I swore it was my father’s voice coming out of your mouth.”
“Must’ve been hard on you.”
She shrugged. “I’ve learned to live with it. I just don’t want to lose you, Jake. As annoying as you can be, I kinda like you.”
“Thanks, I think.” I laughed then sobered.
“You don’t understand what it’s like to carry that.” I shook my head, feeling the weight of it once again. Only this time I was determined not to let it drag me down. “I can hear his voice, commenting on things I’m doing, pointing out things he’d learned, trying to guide me. Some of his memories have become my memories to the point sometimes where I can’t remember which ones belong to who without stopping to think about it. Sometimes I forget who I am. And when I hear his voice, but he’s not talking to me, you know… it cuts all over again. And I’m changing, in all kinds of little ways. I can’t hold onto anything anymore. I have no control and it’s scaring the shit outta me.” I forced myself to stop. Damn, I hadn’t meant for it to come out all in a rush like that. I’d said more than I’d meant to.
“Oh my god, I had no idea.” Kayla linked her fingers with mine. “Is there anything I can do to help? I can look at Kristair’s old journals. Maybe there’s some way of breaking the spell, or at least lessen its effects.”
“Actually, I don’t want to, at least not yet. Maybe later, but for now I’m not ready to let go of that last link with him. Funny thing is, if you’d suggested it yesterday, I would’ve jumped at it.”
“What happened last night?”
“I don’t know how to explain. It was different from hearing his voice. It was like he was really there, Kayla. Like we were linked, the way we used to be. He was hurting for me, missing me too….” I trailed off and shook my head, remembering my breakdown in the shower. “He helped me to let go of some of the stuff I’ve been carrying around. Hell, he practically forced me to do it.” Then he’d held me afterward. I couldn’t be mistaken about the way his arms felt around me. If it had only been an illusion, if I was just losing my mind, it wouldn’t have felt that good, right?
“I… I don’t know what to say.”
“That’s a first,” I teased.
“You really must be feeling better.” Kayla threw her arms around me and gave me a hard hug. “I don’t know whether you’re the luckiest or unluckiest bastard ever.”
“That makes two of us.” I gla
nced at my watch. “I’ve got to go, babe. I’ve skeeved off my classes, but I have a doctor’s appointment I can’t miss. I’ll call ya later.”
Kayla rose with me and brushed a kiss over my lips. “Thanks for coming by.”
“You’re welcome, trouble,” I said, tugging on a lock of her hair.
“Oh, you’re impossible. Get out of here.”
Chapter 13
I CALLED Steve on my way to the doctor’s office. He picked up on the first ring and I clamped down on the immediate prick of guilt. I spoke as soon as I heard the click, before he got a chance to say hello. If I was going to spend my day apologizing, I wanted to get it out of the way quick. “Look, Steve, I wanted—”
“Forget it, man. We were both asses.”
“So we’re cool?” Another knot of tension unraveled.
“Yeah, we’re cool, bro. You’ve been honest with me ever since your boy landed me in the hospital. Sometimes, I forget that. And Tony told me he asked you to keep your mouth shut.”
“Actually, I was coming over last night to tell you anyway. I promised Tony I wouldn’t say anything until after he met with Ussier, no longer.” I couldn’t help but wonder if Tony would’ve let Steve know at all if I hadn’t forced his hand. Now that was one thing I didn’t feel guilty about.
“Where are you now? Want to meet on campus for lunch?”
“Can’t. I have to get another physical for Coach. He thinks I’m either on drugs or hiding an illness, so he’s benched me until I meet with his own physician.”
“That sucks. I can kind of figure where he’s coming from. Not that I think you’re using, but he’s a sharp man. He knows something’s up with you. Think the physical will get him off your back?”
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