Then Zack slowly leaned in for a kiss.
Lilly looked receptive at first, but at the last second she pulled away. “I’m not that easy,” she said.
“Come on,” he said jokingly, “you’re crazy about me.”
“Oh?” She did not take the joke well. “I’m not a machine – enter one beautiful spot with a nice view, get one hook-up.”
Not wanting to apologize for his last comment, for fear that Lilly would then think that he had been serious when he made it, Zack doubled down. “Don’t pretend you’re not into me just for the sake of it. We’re both smarter than that.” Zack tried to say this with a light tone, but his overconfidence had carried him too far, and this was foreign territory for him.
“Don’t you tell me what to do!”
Zack could have sworn that Lilly’s irises turned red.
She pushed him hard, and he fell backwards off the other side of the rock. In Heaven, women were equal in physical strength to men.
Lucky, who had been rolling himself around in the leaves unashamedly, stopped, looked over, and tilted his head sideways inquisitively.
Zack wasn’t hurt, but the fall disoriented him. He got up slowly, caught his bearings, and looked around. Lilly was gone. It seemed like an overreaction to him, but it didn’t make sense to go after her now. If he knew women, and he thought he did, he just needed to let her cool off for a while. Then he would find her and apologize.
In the meantime, there was nothing else to do but sit down and enjoy the peacefulness of his favorite place. How could any videogame ever compete with this?
Zack sat back down on the boulder and looked down at his feet: ants! He had always liked watching them; they always seemed to take his mind off whatever was bothering him.
On that day, a strange wind moved these particular ants, and they frantically scurried in and out of their anthill with unusual concern. Odd, Zack thought, what are they doing? Maybe they’re out of food. I know, I’ll give them some bread crumbs. Ants love bread, he thought, dropping the manna from his fingers.
They went right for it. But it probably wasn’t the healthiest food for them, was it? Bread isn’t natural. Hmmm, Zack thought. How about some fruit? Even better, how about a tree to produce the fruit for them? “Let there be a tree,” Zack said, and a small tree appeared.
“Let the tree bear the most delicious fruit possible, in many different varieties,” Zack said, and the tree did. There were apples, peaches, plums, pears, berries, coconuts, papayas, and some fruits that Zack had never seen before. “One for me,” Zack said, picking an apple and biting into it, “and one for you,” he said, picking a second and dropping it to the ground.
“And finally,” Zack said dramatically, “let the tree drop food for the ants continuously throughout the day so that they are never without.” He clapped his hands together, as if to conclude his work, and then turned off to the distance, deep in thought.
“Hey God, can ants feel pain?”
“Yes Zack, they can. But it’s not the same as with humans. They have very tiny brains and are barely conscious of anything.”
“But they have a little bit of consciousness, right? It just strikes me as odd, that’s all. All of the billions of ants out there in the world, getting stepped on or eaten by bigger animals. It seems like a lot of suffering. Why are you letting it go on? Why not make it their heaven too?”
“Because humans still appreciate the beauty of the natural world. That’s why you’re up here. And like I said, the ants are barely conscious.”
“But some animals are smart. When I was at the shore a couple of summers ago, a seagull snatched two French fries right out of my hand.”
“I remember.”
“Yeah, well then you remember how it waited until the exact moment that I turned my head the other way. That’s pretty smart!”
“It was no more than a learned reaction to external stimuli, like Pavlov’s dogs.”
“Hmmm. What about the squirrel in the roof that my dad killed?”
“What about it?”
“It cried out in pain. It wailed like a city-cat in the night – we thought. But the thing was, after my dad removed the dead squirrel from the trap, the wailing continued, and we realized that it wasn’t the injured squirrel that was crying at all, it was its mate! Are you telling me that the mate didn’t feel conscious emotion?”
“Infants cry for their mothers, but that does not mean that they know why.”
“Well… maybe,” Zack said with disappointment. “But there’s something else that’s been bothering me even more.”
“Shoot.”
“When I was young, there was a kid at school. The other kids bullied him relentlessly. They called him names, they tripped him in the hallway, they beat him up.”
“I remember that too.”
“And one day, he went home from school and got a rope and hanged himself.” Zack paused and gathered his thoughts, and what he spoke next, he infused with as much consternation and sarcasm as he possibly could without sounding ridiculous. “Now what kind of a God would allow that?”
“Zack, I thought we already went through the problem of evil.”
“Well I guess we didn’t go through it enough, because I still can’t wrap my head around this one. I want to know – where are those other kids now?” Excitement crept into his voice. “Have they, who made their fun soooooo profitably from that kid’s pain, now finally learned how to take only as much happiness as is consistent with everyone else’s?”
“Zack, they were only children. They had not yet learned how to be moral. That is what life is all about. Suffering is the very thing that teaches them.”
“So then why not just create them good to begin with? Then there would be no need for suffering.”
“Challenge and free will Zack, you know that. I could not just create mindless automatons. Humans had to learn morality for themselves. They needed to be free, corruptible creatures that could choose to overcome their nature.”
Zack pondered this as he looked back down to the ants at his feet. “And what do animals learn?”
“Zack, we’re going in circles.”
“So what?”
“Some would say that repeating the same behavior again and again and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity.”
“And would you say that?” Zack asked.
God smiled.
“Because some would say that that’s just one of those stupid things that sounds good until you think about it for twenty seconds.”
“And why would they say that?” God asked, fully aware of the answer.
“Because it’s a bad definition. Repeating the same behavior and expecting a different result doesn’t make you insane, and not doing it doesn’t make you all right. Someone who applies to hundreds of jobs only to have the door slammed in his face each time, but who keeps going and still believes against all odds that he’ll succeed isn’t crazy. And someone who hears his dog telling him to kill his neighbors even once is, even though he’s not repeating the same behavior and expecting a different result.”
“Very good, but I said that some would say it, not that I would.”
“Then why bring it up at all?”
“Because sometimes repetitious behavior can drive one insane if one lets it, and I want you to be happy.”
“Well I’ll be happy when you tell me why you allowed so much suffering in the world.”
“Then please, continue.”
“I will. Let’s talk about the sunnies.”
“Sure, anything you want.”
“When I was a boy, as you know, I used to fish in that lake down there.”
“Yes.”
“And when I caught Sunfish – ‘sunnies,’ I would always throw them in the weeds to die.”
“Right.”
“Cause they competed with the bass and catfish, which made for better cooking than the sunnies. And when I would throw them away, they would flop around in vain. I think this might
have been an evolutionary instinct to help them get back into the water. First they would flop quickly, then more slowly. Then they would just lie there for a few minutes, puffing their chests up and down and opening and closing their gills. Are you telling me that they didn’t feel pain?”
“Zack –”
“Did you know that sometimes, just to make it interesting, I would toss one of them really close to the water to see if it would get back in? Occasionally it did.”
“Zack –”
“What did they learn from it? The world has turned for billions of years, and in that time, trillions upon trillions of animals have suffered like that. What was the point of all of it?”
“Zack, do you remember before when I told you that everything is connected by a great energy?”
“Yes.”
“When animals suffer, the whole universe suffers and learns. And when animals go back into the dust, they rejoin the universe and share in the happiness that comes later. All are one, one is all.”
“What? No, come on. What does that last part even mean? It’s just a platitude.”
“I will show you. Zack, some things cannot be explained, they must be felt. Open up your heart and mind.”
“Ok.” Zack closed his eyes and relaxed himself the way he had done when Lilly gave him her memories, and an incredible happiness washed over him. He could not describe it, but it was a profound sense of peacefulness, a high almost. It was a feeling in his bones that although things had been tough, it was all for a reason – to create the peace that he and the Earth, inexplicably connected, now shared together. Still though, there was a distant place within Zack that the feeling did not penetrate, a gnawing fear that he could not let go of just yet.
God seemed to sense this. “That’s ok my son… for now.”
12
Lilly, where are you? It was a few days later, and Zack’s mind raced around the globe.
Videogame. Can’t talk.
Can I join you?
Sure.
Zack blinked and found himself sitting in the gallery of a hot, dusty old courtroom, surrounded by a throng of surprisingly realistic people dressed in old-fashioned clothing. Paper fans were everywhere, silently waving at their owners, and Lilly was in front, cross-examining a very important witness.
“Mr. Bryan,” she said, “do you believe that Adam and Eve are the ancestors of all people?”
“I do.”
“And doesn’t the Book of Genesis say that they had two sons, Cain and Abel?”
“No. There was also Seth.”
“So then they had three sons, is that correct?”
“Yes.”
“And isn’t it true that Genesis makes no mention of Adam and Eve conceiving any daughters?”
“Yes, that’s true.”
“And doesn’t Genesis say that after Cain slew Abel, and God put a mark on him, that Cain went east of Eden and knew his wife?”
“It does.”
“Well then, Mr. Bryan, where did Cain’s wife come from?”
“I leave the agnostics to hunt for her.”
Ah, Zack thought, the Scopes Monkey Trial. Good one Lilly. He sat and watched patiently. She was good, really good. It’s too bad that there were no real trials anymore.
After Lilly finished her cross-examination, Zack applauded loudly. “So this is what lawyers do for fun?” he called out.
“Pause!” Lilly shouted. The other people in the courtroom froze. “No, I just want to keep my skills sharp.”
“For what?”
“Who knows? Hey, let’s get out of here. I’ll show you something fun.”
They held hands and were immediately sitting on a beach. It was early morning. The sand was white, and the water was light-turquoise.
“I learned how to use an additional sense,” she said.
“REALLY?”
“Yeah, I’ll show you,” she replied, tightening her grip on Zack’s hand. “We’ll do it together first, until you get the hang of it. Close your eyes and try to feel the space around you.”
“Ok.”
“Now, try to feel the ocean out there. Think about the waves and try to feel them coming in.”
“Whoa!” He felt a wave. Then he felt another one and another one. He was not just seeing the waves or knowing that they were there, but was actually feeling them as if they were part of him – every ripple, every droplet – and their energy. Their rhythm was relaxing and beautiful, and he felt like a baby being rocked to sleep.
“Can you believe it?” Lilly asked. “I think it’s some form of telepathy.”
“Wow.”
“Ok, another one,” she said, rising to her feet and unexpectedly taking off into the sky.
Zack followed, and they flew up and up, to the very edge of space, where the air was thin and the sky was without color. Zack wondered how far they could go before violating God’s rule.
“Ok, now try it again Zack.”
He did, but this time the sensation was not pleasant. Nothingness was all around him; it was like being in a dark room and reaching desperately for the light-switch, only to grasp bare wall.
He stopped. “Whoa, that one was a little scary.”
“Haha. Ok, now the next one’s the last one, I promise.”
“No need to promise, I trust you.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t,” she said, with a mischievous smile. Then she led him back down, to the site of an abandoned coal plant in the Midwest.
The weeds were tall, and Zack concluded that the plant had lost favor even before God brought Heaven.
“Ok,” Lilly said, maneuvering her hand until the plant began pouring smoke into the sky. “Now, feel it.”
“Ouch!” The electricity shocked Zack to his core. It was an intense overload, like turning off a DVD player and finding out all at once that the volume on the TV was up way too high.
Lilly giggled. “You’re lucky I didn’t take you to a nuclear plant!”
“I guess so! What do they call that?”
“I don’t know. I just discovered it on my own. Pretty cool though.”
“Yeah, thanks for showing me. So does this mean we’re over what happened in the woods? I’m sorry by the way. I know I was being a jerk.”
“Of course. I’m sorry too, I overreacted.”
“That’s ok, even monkeys fall from trees!”
“Phhhhhhhh. Whatever. Hey, let’s go back to the beach.”
“You read my mind!”
“Uh… so lame.”
An instant later, they were back beside the waves, sitting together with their bare feet in the cool morning-sand.
“So, is it really true Zack that you never believed in Santa Claus? Never?”
“It is. It just didn’t make any sense to me. I had too many unanswered questions. If the reindeer could fly, then why didn’t I ever see any flying reindeer? And why couldn’t I fly? And what about all those poor kids from the mall? Since as long as I can remember, my parents would take me there to this spot in the middle where they had dozens of needy kids’ wish-lists posted on a board. They’d tell me to pick one, and then we’d go shopping for everything on the list. Why would that have been necessary if there was a Santa Claus?”
Lilly picked up a handful of sand and let it spill through her fingers. “You have really great parents Zack, I hope you spent some time with them over the past few days.”
“I did a little, but it’s kind of hard. My dad spends most of his time staring at the TV. He’s a history buff and a military buff, and when he found out that God has recordings of every battle ever fought, that was it. He just sits there all day like a cow, stuffing his face. Meanwhile my mom sits on the other side of the room in front of another TV watching every play that was ever produced. Although, to be fair, I do have to admit that it’s pretty cool seeing the Spartans make their stand at the actual Battle of Thermopylae, or watching the original production of Romeo and Juliet. I don’t know.” Zack leaned back and looked up at the sky. T
he sun was breaking through the morning grey. “So, are you really happy in Heaven?”
“I don’t know… I have mixed feelings. For example, yesterday was my high school reunion.”
“You went to that? I don’t know why you bothered.”
“Well, I probably shouldn’t have. It was weird. I couldn’t recognize anyone, they had all changed their appearances so much. And, they were all high too. Really high. I mean, I know I did it too back then, but it was just pot, and I could still carry on a conversation. Half of these people at the reunion were just standing there like zombies. They were doing hardcore shit too: coke, E, and one thing I had never seen before. It was a drink that came in a small glass bottle, about the same size as a 5-hour Energy drink. The liquid was bright neon blue, almost like blue Gatorade, but more intense. It glowed, like it was giving off energy, and after someone would drink it, their eyes would get very wide like they were looking at something amazing.”
“Yeah, it’s weird, but not necessarily a big deal anymore. You know, there’s no hangovers, no gangs fighting over turf… you can snap out of your high any second you choose.”
“I know, but still. Anyway, it gets worse. Debbie Parsons was there.”
“Ah, Debbie Parsons. Every high school has one! Seriously Lilly, you should let this stuff go. You’re all grown up now. You’re a lawyer.”
“Was a lawyer.”
“You know what I mean.”
“Yeah, look, I know. I grew up, moved away, and forgot all about high school. But when I went to the reunion yesterday, all of my memories came flooding back, and I was painfully aware again of what the first half of my life was like. Do you know what Debbie said to me when we saw each other? ‘Welcome.’ Can you believe it? Welcome. As if this was her Heaven and it was up to her to let me in.”
“Maybe she just chose her words poorly.”
“No no no. I told you about the whole battle we got into over the prayers before school football games. Debbie remembered.”
“I don’t know Lilly. Didn’t you also tell me that she was class president? Maybe she organized the reunion or something.”
“The office of class president doesn’t carry over into the next life!”
“Haha, ok.”
The Alpha and the Omega: An absurd philosophical tale about God, the end of the world, and what's on the other planets Page 7