“Ok, just one thing first. Have you noticed all the ants around here lately? I think I might have helped them a little too much with my tree and all.”
“Ewww,” Lilly said, looking down. There were hundreds of them.
“Ok queen, where are you?” Zack closed his eyes. “Ah, found her! Let the queen’s reproduction be limited so that she only produces enough eggs to keep the population where it was before I gave the ants their enhancements. There, that should do it.”
Back on Limbo, the congregation was astir. “Zack,” Father Kai said, “Lilly has come up with a brilliant idea! Just brilliant!”
Lilly beamed. “Come here,” she said, leading him around to the back side of the Church.
There, under Lucky’s direction, some villagers were constructing three stone walls, which, with the Church’s back wall, formed the beginnings of a new, longer, rectangular building.
“Oh, great,” Zack said, attempting excitement.
“Don’t you get it?” Lilly asked.
“What? It’s a new building?”
“No, dummy. What’s behind that Church wall?”
“Uh, the inside of the Church?”
“What else?”
“Uh… wait, no, that won’t work, will it?”
“Yep! You got it! And yes, it’s gonna work. A great hall. It will be long, with a big table, and when it’s finished, and the entire thing is enclosed, we’ll knock down the back Church wall, and bam! The fountain will be sitting at the end of the hall!
“Remember, God only told Father Kai that we couldn’t use pipes to carry the water out – he never said anything about not being able to expand the room! It’s going to be great. The whole village will fit in that hall, and we’ll even be able to invite people from the neighboring villages. The merchants will prosper, the villages will be at peace, and we’ll be able to help everyone get into Heaven!”
“Lilly,” Zack said, “are you sure God is going to be ok with this? I mean, the idea is clever and all, but I don’t think God intended for us to bypass the rules like that. I thought that the whole point of the fountain was that it was just for a few people at a time.”
“No way Zack, we’re not breaking any rules. When God closes a door, he opens a window… and when you try to squeeze through that window, you’re not doing anything wrong. It’s not like it’s easy or anything – building that hall is a ton of work!”
“Ok, counselor! I can’t argue with that logic, but if God gets mad and destroys the fountain completely, it’s on your head!”
“Good, agreed. Now why don’t you go lead Santar and the other children over there to the quarry for some smaller rocks?”
“Sure,” Zack said, wondering why he got stuck with the kids, but not caring enough to ask. Then he gathered Santar and the others and headed up the main road for the quarry, which lay on the other side of the stone-hovel menagerie that the villagers called home.
As they walked, Zack studied the village with reverent curiosity. It was small, compact, and unusual, and its rocky constructions crowded its narrow roads and alleyways with odd, craggy shadows, despite the fact that nothing in the entire settlement rose higher than two stories. The villagers built it this way not for lack of space, but for defense, as the village’s high density allowed them to quickly assemble their soldiers and move the women and children to the center in the event of an attack. Of course, no one had attacked in decades, some said not since Makaio defeated the King’s riders, but one could never be sure.
Much of the ground was covered by nothing but bright-red dirt, but here and there were little patches of grass and cacti, and the occasional tree, fed by tricklings from the village’s hidden lifeblood – an underground river that opened itself to the sunlight at a place to the west, just enough to allow the villagers to divert its barely sufficient flow to their farms to the south. The quarry was to the north, past the brief line of scattered bushes and trees revealing the most immediate part of the river’s upstream channel, and was the farthest that one could go from the village without entering the lonely desert that surrounded it.
As Zack and the youngsters made their way there, some of the villagers peered out of their doorways and windows. They would look at Zack’s face, then at the crude dolphin symbol that Father Kai had drawn on the front of his cloak, and then back to his face. But something in them was different.
When Zack and Lilly had first arrived, the villagers viewed them with apprehension and distrust. But now, their eyes showed interest and hope. The water from the fountain was real, and the dozens of new converts that the Church had recently won over were carrying jug after jug of it back to the others, along with the new Limbean morality. The message was spreading, and people were starting to believe that Makaio was real and would soon return.
“Whoooooossshhhhhh!” Santar rumbled when they reached the quarry, running down the road ahead of the others with his arms spread out like an airplane. “Flight one hundred, now arriving in Hawaii!”
Good God, Zack thought, why in the world did I teach him that!
“Hey Zack,” Santar said, after Zack had caught up and they had begun to load the cart, “how does the fountain work?”
“God makes it work.”
“No really.”
“Yes, it’s true.”
“How does he make it work?”
“I don’t know. He’s God. He can do anything.”
“How can he do anything?”
“Santar, I don’t know. All I can tell you is what he told me, which is that he’s a great energy that’s bigger than you or me or anything.”
“How is he a great energy?”
“Santar! Not everything has an answer. Some things you just have to take on faith. But I’ll tell you what, if you follow Makaism and do good deeds for other people, someday you’ll go to Hawaii and you can ask God yourself.”
“But I wanna know now! I promise I won’t tell anyone.”
Zack continued loading the cart.
“Hey Zack, what was your dad like? Did you kill him?”
“Of course not! He’s a very good man. He was a solider, and then later, a very skilled tool-worker. When I was younger, I used to get mad at him because he had some different ideas about how the kings and chieftains in Hawaii should do things, and we used to argue for hours and hours, without either of us convincing the other of anything. But when I got older, he went away, and I couldn’t see him anymore. And that’s when I realized that none of the stuff that we argued about mattered, because the important thing was that he was a good man, and he took care of me and loved me.”
“Not my dad. He’s mean. When I grow up, I’m going to crack his head open with a rock and scoop his brains out and feed them to the coyotes.”
“Santar,” Zack said, rolling his eyes, “let’s talk about the dehydrated traveler hypothetical again.”
“Ok butt breath.”
“Yeah, ok…” Zack said, sighing. “Do you remember what we said in the second example? The traveler is from another village. You will never see him again, so there’s no material benefit to helping him. At the same time though, it won’t cost you much to help, just a little bit of your water and time. Let’s say also that he looks pretty poor, so you probably couldn’t even get that much money from him.”
“Ok butt breath.”
“Now,” Zack continued, ignoring this, “a good Makain would help because it’s right, even though he won’t get anything in return.”
“Why?”
“Well just imagine if that was you lying there dehydrated.”
“It wouldn’t be. I wouldn’t be dumb enough to go there without enough water. Butt breath.”
“Ok, but what if there was some factor that was out of your control? Like say a coyote attacked you, and in the fight, he bit through your canteen, and you lost all of your water. Wouldn’t you want the other traveler to help you?”
“That won’t happen to me! I’m a great fighter. I’ll knock the coyote�
�s head right off its body!”
“OK. But let’s just say you’re not a good fighter. You go out into the desert with too little water, and you suck at fighting, and the situation is your own dumb fault. You totally deserve to die. But still, even then, wouldn’t you want the other traveler to help?”
“No, I’d want him to slip and fall so I could kill him and get his water!”
“Ok Santar. Listen to me very carefully. Makaio wants you to help the other traveler because if you don’t, you will never get into Hawaii. Understand?”
“Uh… yeah. I think so.”
“Good. Butt breath.”
When Zack returned to the Church, he found Lilly in serious disarray. “Zack, come inside quickly,” she said. “It’s God. He found out about the Great Hall and wants to talk with you, me, and Father Kai right away. I think he’s really mad.” She hastily led Zack back into the Church, where Father Kai was already waiting, and then back into the little hallway, where all three teleported to Heaven.
They arrived in the middle of the Sahara desert, alone, and Zack immediately flew several dozen feet into the air to look around. There was nothing else in sight.
“Oh my God Lilly, why are we meeting him here? I told you the Great Hall was a bad idea, I knew it.”
“I’m sorry Zack, I was trying to do good. I was helping people,” she pleaded.
“Don’t tell me. Tell God!”
Father Kai did not look at either of them. His face was stone.
Then God arrived. But this time he was changed. He was as tall as a skyscraper, and his voice was thunder. “So, you really thought you could get away with it, huh? You thought I wouldn’t find out?!”
“I’m sorry,” Lilly said “I was only trying to help. Your honor, please –”
“Your honor?” Zack whispered. “Lilly, we’re not in court.”
“Shut up, I’m nervous.”
“Silence! Our little debate sessions are over! I have extended you every possible courtesy and have given you every last opportunity, but this time, you have gone too far!!” Black storm clouds rolled in, and the sky darkened. A flash of exceptionally blue lightning speared the ground with a crack of thunder so loud that Zack’s bones vibrated under his flesh. Then God held his finger up, and lines of eye-searingly white lightning circled around it as he pointed it toward them. “For this trespass, and for your complete and utter lack of faith… henceforth… from this day forward… for all the days of your long and painful life…” Then he stopped, leaving them hanging in dead silence.
“AH!… I’m just kidding! Ah… Ha! Ha! Ha! Oh, mercy me. Oh, oh Lordy!” The storm clouds rolled back, the sky was bright again, and God shrank back to his normal size.
Then Father Kai fell to the ground in maniacal laughter. “I was in on it! Hohoho! I knew! Oh ho ho, you should’ve seen the looks on your faces! Oh! Oh God, you crazy old Jew!”
“Uh, uh, uh…” God said, wagging his finger at Father Kai. “Take it easy there. Don’t make me do to you what I did to Buddha! If you’re not careful, you’ll see firsthand what the eternal bliss of non-existence really feels like.”
God and Father Kai continued laughing.
Then Zack started laughing too. He had to admit it was kind of funny, even if his heart did almost stop. But then he noticed Lilly, who was less than tickled.
“Come now my child, it was just a joke.”
“Yeah,” Zack said, “you gotta admit it was a pretty good one.”
She looked at the ground.
“Maybe just a little?” God said, nudging her arm.
A small, unwilling smile began to edge its way across her face. “Ok, ok. That was pretty funny. But still, what we’re doing on Limbo isn’t a joke to me. I really care about those people, and I lost quite a bit of sleep wondering what you would say about the Great Hall. Why didn’t you mention it earlier? You know, if you wanted to, you could’ve given us instructions to expand the fountain room from the very beginning. I’m sorry, but I just don’t see why everything has to be so hard down there. At the very least, can’t you get more people from Heaven to go down to help?”
“My child, I cannot force others to go, and if things get too easy on Limbo, those people will not learn anything. Besides, didn’t you enjoy solving the fountain puzzle yourself? Your workaround to my rules was ingenious.”
“I especially liked when you noted that the Great Hall would help the village merchants prosper,” Zack said. “Way to employ some market-based thinking!”
“Indeed.” God said. “I am very proud of what you are doing there Lilly. Of all the billions of people in Heaven, I don’t know if there is anyone as committed to using her newfound grace to help others as you are.”
“Hey God,” Zack said, “what if we really succeeded and Limbo turned out to be a good place to live – would we have the option of being reincarnated there? I mean, could we forget everything and start again, just to experience the full challenge of life again?”
“You could,” God said, “but you would risk everything. If you did evil, you would lose your place here.”
“Hmmm. What about the other planets? Are there more of them out there with people on them?”
“That knowledge is beyond you for now.”
“But someday you’ll tell us?” Zack asked.
“Indeed. One day I will spread my kingdom to all of the planets in the universe, and you will know them. Nothing is covered up that will not be uncovered, nothing is secret that will not become known.”
15
"Luuuuuucky! Luuuuuucky! Where aaaarre yoooouuu?" Zack scoured the dark cavities between the frosty rocks and trees now shimmering in winter’s cold-white moonlight. Not the lake, he thought. Anywhere but the lake. The ice would not be strong enough to hold a dog.
How could he be so stupid? How could he forget to double-latch the door? That stupid door. That stupid fucking door. Zack winced. Even thinking the word “fuck” startled his young mind. But couldn’t his cheapo dad buy a new door? Or fix it himself? He was a freaking mechanic! No, no, this wasn’t Dad’s fault. Don’t blame him. It was Zack’s fault. He forgot to double-latch the door; that’s how Lucky got out. Just please don’t let it be the lake. Anywhere but the lake. Please God.
“Zack!” his dad called out. “I see something!”
“Really?!” Zack whipped himself around with such speed that he arrived at his destination without his left leg below him. The ground shot up to meet him, and he tried to get traction with his right leg, but it also disappeared into the white, and an instant later, Zack’s chin was crumpling into a sleeping old rock. Blood, black in the night, poured onto the hard, glassy ice.
“Ugh.” Zack opened his eyes and looked over at Lilly’s face, beautiful and fierce, even in sleep. He was breathing heavy, and his lips were ice, even in the hot, claustrophobic earthen room.
Why, he wondered, did he always have to dream that part of the memory? Just once, couldn’t he relive the very next moment, when Lucky’s wet nose and his dad’s outstretched hand arrived in aid? Zack tried to work it out, but Lilly quickly joined him in wakefulness, even more distressed.
“Zack, back to my apartment. Quick.”
“You don’t have to tell me twice,” he replied, excited about the prospect of getting some time in a real bed.
Ok. Good. Zack, he spoke to me again. He whispers. He tells me that God has not told us everything. He tells me that God keeps great secrets from us in lands unknown. He tells me to tell you with my mind so that God will not hear.
Lilly, I think it was just a bad dream; I had one too. I think we’re both just stressed out lately about the Church. “Maybe,” he added, deciding to try and press his luck with his sounded voice, “it would be good for us to sleep here in Heaven from now on. The villagers will never notice.”
“No, I want us to experience the real Limbean lifestyle. The villagers will trust us more if we are authentic.”
“Ok, fair enough. But today we have to be in Hea
ven.”
Lilly’s face hardened, but Zack quickly proceeded before the situation got out of hand. “Do you even remember what today is?”
“What?”
“You forgot. We have to be on Earth. Jesus is going to address humanity for the first time since the apocalypse.”
That day, every town, city, cloud-city, hilltop, valley, and videogame across the globe was abandoned. This was because nearly every human being in Heaven was with God in Israel for one of the most anticipated events in all of human history.
They gathered at the Sea of Galilee, where a simple wooden platform had been erected one mile above the water. It was plain – just a bare, standard-sized rectangular stage supported by four wooden legs extending to the water – and, with its height, would have looked like the least sturdy structure to ever grace the surface of the planet, if not for the fact that everyone there knew that those wooden legs were stronger than creation itself. The people whispered that Jesus himself had built the stage.
Zack, Lilly, Lucky, and Stan sat together on the ground near the water. They, like everyone else, had shrunk their size to create more room, and from this perspective, the Sea’s small waves looked rather large. Still, it was difficult for everyone to find space, so many of the spectators sat neatly stacked above one another, several miles into the air, on what looked like the invisible seats of a giant, magic coliseum. It was a good thing that this was Heaven, because they needed enhanced vision to see the stage. The crowd waited in anticipation.
“So,” Stan said, “aren’t you going to ask me about how Superpro H3000’s going?”
“Course dude,” Zack said, “how is it?”
“Glad you asked,” Stan said, smiling widely and ironically. “It’s awesome. I’m lighting it up in preseason! I’m a warrior!”
“Solid dude,” Zack declared resoundingly.
Lilly gave him a funny look. Who are you? You never talk like that.
I’m cooler than you think babe!
Phhhhhhhh!
“Yeah Zack,” Stan continued, “you gotta come try it! Take a break from the whole Limbio thing or whatever sometime. Once you’re in, you’re never gonna wanna leave. It’s sick!”
The Alpha and the Omega: An absurd philosophical tale about God, the end of the world, and what's on the other planets Page 11