There was very little to see in the fathoms, but just as they were about to turn back, Zack spotted an eerie green glow in the distance.
“Hey Lil, let’s go in for a closer look. I wonder if that could be the underwater equivalent of the cloud-cities.”
“You got it.”
Sure enough, as they approached, a shining-green, floating emerald-city presented itself. “Oh wow Zack, just like in The Little Mermaid! I can’t believe it! I watched that movie non-stop when I was a kid!”
“Wow Lilly, I learn something new about you every day! Haha. This should be pretty cool though, because I think we’re about to see some reverse-Ariels, if you know what I mean.”
“I think so,” she said. However, as Zack and Lilly focused their superhuman vision into the city, they saw that these were not Disney Merpeople, or even Harry Potter Merpeople. Instead, they were real, actual, one-hundred percent authentic sea animals, including dolphins, porpoises, killer whales, stingrays, seahorses, and a countless variety of colorful tropical fishes. Their anatomy was natural, but their human cognizance was undeniable, as, to Zack and Lilly’s amazement, they danced throughout the halls, corridors, terraces, and patios of their emerald water-wonderland, not like any of Ariel’s friends in the Little Mermaid, but rather, like the guests at Cinderella’s ball.
“Interesting,” Zack said. “To each his own I suppose, right?”
“Yeeees… except, uh, did you notice the sign outside the city?”
“What sign?
“Pull your focus back. I think we both zoomed in a little too quick.”
“Um ok… there we… um, uh oh.”
In giant red letters, the sign warned: “Pacificus city limits. Fishmorphs only! Visitors strictly by invitation and only after complete transmutation. PLEASE RESPECT OUR PRIVACY!”
They turned to each other, but before either could take a crack at explaining, a loud whistle blasted their ears, even through the ship’s thick Heraclanium walls. “Ahhh!” Lilly screamed. “That hurt! What the fuck? I thought we couldn’t feel pain in Heaven?”
Lilly quickly turned the ship in the other direction, but the whistling continued, along with the following menacing words: “DISTURB NOT THE FISHMORPHS! DISTURB NOT THE FISHMORPHS!” The voice was loud, deep, and maddeningly metallic – like a giant on a megaphone. “DISTURB NOT THE FISHMORPHS! DISTURB NOT THE FISHMORPHS!”
We’re going, we’re going! Zack telepathed in every direction. But it seemed no one was listening, because just then, a gigantic great white shark appeared directly in front of them – longer than a football field, with veiny, bloodshot eyes, each larger than a person. The underwater behemoth opened its jaws and came right for them, and Lilly pulled the control back as far as it would go, until the ship skyrocketed upwards, just in time.
Seconds later, they were back in the safe, calm, familiar air. “What the hell?” Lilly said. “How can God allow that?”
“I don’t know. I’m sure it wouldn’t have hurt us, and I’m sure the whole thing has something to do with the whole ‘as much happiness as is consistent with everyone else’s’ thing, but jeez!” I think God might be letting those people go a little too far with that one.
“Yeah, agreed.” Anyway Zack, I think this is as good a time as any, so I’m just gonna go ahead and take this puppy all the way up.
Yeah, let’s do it, he thought to her with confidence. Then, remembering the game, he spoke out loud: “Whoa Lilly, remember to turn around before we start to leave the atmosphere. We can’t actually go into space.” He flashed her a mental smile. “It’s forbidden, remember?” he added, for good measure.
“I know Zack, I’m going to turn it around, don’t worry.”
The rocket hurdled toward the cosmos, and the Hawaiian Islands came into view on the map below. Then, as the night-blue sky turned black, revealing a storm of tiny star points not visible from below, Lilly threw her arm toward the control, but with such force, that she lost her balance and fell before connecting with her mock target. “Oops!” she said.
She slowly pulled herself up and moved back toward the control. Then she stopped and turned, and they looked out the window. Earth was now a sphere, getting smaller and smaller each second.
“Lilly, it worked!”
“I know! I can’t believe it!”
But the celebration was premature. How foolish they had been to think that they could fool God so easily. Not half a moment later, the stars outside the window began to dim, and the ship and its two headstrong travelers found themselves in a goliath of night, deeper, darker, and more eternal than the bottom of any ocean. God’s voice was all around them. “Do not go that way. You are headed into the very mouth of hell itself. Come back!”
The space around the ship grew emptier and then emptier still in the eyes and minds that Zack and Lilly used to perceive it, and soon there was nothing else in the whole of the universe except for them and the ship. Then, instantaneously, the entire space filled with solid, immovable concrete, extending infinitely in every direction, and Zack, Lilly, and the ship were hopelessly trapped forever. Fear took hold, and in that moment of weakness, they lost their concentration, and God boarded the ship.
“My children, oh my children! Haven’t I given you everything?”
“No, not everything,” Lilly said. “We have questions that you still refuse to answer.”
“Ok, I see my children. I will make it right.” The ship’s walls faded, and they were back on the hilltop. “Relax, it is over now.” God waved his hand, and tranquility swept over Zack and Lilly like a vacation in Hawaii.
Oh yes, Zack thought. That’s right, there was no Limbo – it was all just a silly dream. There was no Kerberus, no six-foot coyotes… no dead Klatu, no rocket ship. He and Lilly had been on the hilltop all day eating the pretty blue flowers and getting more wasted than two teenagers the first time their parents were dumb enough to leave them home alone all weekend. And look, what was that? The ants, back! Standing on their little hind legs about to…
“We love you Zack and Lilly! We love you Zack and Lilly!” they squeaked. “We love you Zack and Lilly! We love you Zack and Lilly!”
Zack and Lilly looked into each other’s eyes and laughed. Then Zack gave the ants the power to fly, and they swam complex patterns through the air like the dancers in a Busby Berkeley movie. Then they did the Rockettes’ high-kick. Then they moonwalked. Then one of the ants came to the front, folded her four upper legs, and got real serious.
“Yo. Where’s the beat?” she asked. The beat dropped. “Yeah yeah, that’s more like it.”
“She’s gonna rap?!” Zack said. Hilarious! he thought. What a funny little scene! The ants, the flowers, everything. Here he and Lilly were, in Heaven, with the option of doing anything they could possibly imagine, and all they wanted to do was get shitfaced and play with ants all day!
“This girl!” Zack said, pointing at Lilly and turning to God. “You gotta watch out for this girl! She’s trouble… duuuuuude.”
“Indeed,” said God, chuckling.
“Heeeeyyy,” said Lilly.
Zack laughed. Priceless! he thought. Sure, things had been tough for him and Lilly before, but all that was behind them now. They had each other, and they would be together in Heaven forever.
“Ok now shhhhh,” said God. “Angel is waiting for you; she wishes to perform.”
“Oh, sorry,” said Zack, noticing once again the ant in front of them and the beat in his ear.
“That’s all right,” Angel said. “You’re havin’ a good time today – ain’t nothin’ wrong with that. That’s what it’s all about. And you know what? I’m havin’ a good time too. This… this is special right here. You know why?”
Zack and Lilly were speechless.
“Cause,” Angel said, finding her way into the beat, “I got me six legs and an exoskel…” she paused and mugged at them, “… and an iron-grip mandy that takes red ant bitches to hell!” The rest of the music filled in, and Angel
began sashaying back and forth across the air in front of them, bouncing with the beat. Then she let loose:
Yeah, yeah.
On day six God created ev’ry creeping thing
But he didn’t give my crew no fucking wings
So we stay underground, spittin’ to our sounds
Smokin’ drugs, like thugs, we’re ill fuckin’ bugs
So don’t trip, don’t flip, when you see us in the whip
Boxin’ hot, in the lot, Formicidae love their pot
Don’t you know that we grow, peyote just for dough?
Weed’s our real need;
We smoke it, smoke it, smoke it, smoke it, smoke it, then we feed.
Why?
Cause, I got me six legs and an exoskel
And an iron-grip mandy that takes red ant bitches to hell!
Yeah! Told y’all this was special. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Now where there’s smoke, there’s also fire
And the Queen’s beauty drew the Devil’s ire
So he went to her sis, and said ‘hey look at this!’
A red coat, ain’t it dope, won't you take it and elope?
I’ll give you wings, six rings… tell you all the secret things
So turn she did, and they had kids, many mill–i–ins
But we had more, and brought mad war… like Thor,
To show that fuckin’ whore… just what a Mandy’s for…
Body segments on the floor! … Score! … Score!
Yeah, males, females, seeds, we destroyed ‘em all,
Made ‘em crawl…
Hung ‘em from the City wall,
Lol!… Lol!… That’s what happens when you fall!
It was awesome, it was awesome, it was awesome, it was fun,
And now their corpses shrivel, shrivel, shrivel, shrivel, shrivel in the sun!
Cause, I got me six legs and an exoskel
And an iron-grip mandy that takes red ant bitches to hell!
Yeah, yeah.
And that’s what it’s like, and that’s how it is
Cause those who join the Devil, must not live
I said those who join the Devil must not live!
Haha. Yeah. Kill ‘em all! Slowly and painfully! Right God? All those turncoat bitches.
The music continued playing, but Angel no longer seemed concerned with it.
Take ‘em to the real Hell, like in Dante and shit. You know, where we put the real troublemakers. Like a fuckin’… fuckin’… Bosch painting and shit man. None of this watered down, fake-ass shit like they’re used to.
I’m talking about the furnace! I’m talking about fire and sulfur! The pit! The lake! Where they who worship the beast drink the wine of God’s wrath, poured, unmixed into the cup of his anger! Where the smoke of their torment goes up forever and ever! Where they have no rest, day or night – they who worship the beast and its image and who receive the mark of its name!
“Whoa,” said Lilly.
“Yeah, whoa’s right punk!” snapped Angel.
Lilly’s jaw dropped.
Then there was a flash of smoke, and Angel was gone.
Lilly furrowed her brow and looked at God. “What’s the deal with that?”
“Yeah God, it kinda harshened my buzz,” said Zack. “Is that right Lilly? Can I say that? ‘Harshened my buzz?’ ”
“Relax my children,” God said. “It’s only entertainment. Good rap’s gotta have some explicit content, right? Try not to take everything so seriously all the time; here, have some more flowers.”
“ ‘K man,” said Lilly, taking them.
“Totally,” said Zack, in a California surfer voice… for some reason. Wow, this is crazy, he thought. He had avoided drugs all these years, but now he was finally trying them, in Heaven, with God… and loving every minute of it! Crazy, crazy. What a day! He hadn’t had this much fun in forever. It was awesome; no it was beyond awesome, it was insane, insanely awesome, all of it – even if Angel’s lyrics had been a little shocking.
Nevertheless, there was still something bothering Zack in the back of his mind. Something he had to remember, or something he had to do. He had been thinking about it at some point before, but then it drifted away. Hmmmm. Better get it back now, before he lost it completely. What was it? A chore? Something he had to tell someone? A dream? Huh. It was on the tip of his tongue, and yet he was clueless. How annoying. If only he could remember, he could put it on his to-do list for tomorrow and then just sit back today and enjoy the rest of this amazing high. But he couldn’t; it was an empty spot in a place that did not exist – like a gap in a cavity, or a fissure in the wind.
What was it? What was it? The rap song? No, no. This was from before that. Hmmmm. Now that Zack thought about it, whatever it was had actually been eating at him for quite some time – almost forever – like it was a part of him. It was old, very old; the high was only bringing it to the surface now because it was proving to Zack that he was incapable of just relaxing and being happy. He looked at God – but his calm smile did not hold any answers. Then he felt dizzy and almost fell over. Perhaps he had eaten too many flowers; the ground and sky were somersaulting like the yin and yang. What was it? What was it?
And then he heard it: the soft creak of rope. That quiet, unassuming sound that in one unthinkable instant had stolen any true and lasting peace that Zack might ever have. Suddenly, the high went away, the ants stopped singing, and God’s smile evaporated.
No, for Zack, there was no God and no Heaven, and there never would be. That was because he was there that day. He was there the day that the children on the playground circled in on Errol like jackals. Not only was he there, but he was one of them – one of the most vile, disgusting, evil creatures in the entire universe, more vicious than any dog on any planet – the untrained human child.
‘Meryl! Meryl! Meryl!’ they chanted.
‘Pussy!’ yelled one.
‘Faggot!’ called another.
And Zack did nothing. He just stood there with a weak smile, as if Errol was a complete stranger – as if he didn’t go over his house every day after school to play videogames, as if they didn’t ride bikes together in the woods, as if they didn’t fish, go frog-catching, or have sleepovers together. Why? Because Zack was a coward. And what did he do after school that day, the day of the verbal beating? Why, he went next door without a care in the world, up the back porch steps, through the screen-windowed door without knocking, up the dim stairs, down the thickly-carpeted hallway, and into the room that Errol had used as his portal into the next life.
Zack could never prove it, but he always knew why Errol had chosen to take his life on that particular day. It was because that was the day that Errol learned that he did not have even one friend in the world.
“Lilly, I don’t deserve to be in Heaven.”
“What are you –”
“Look,” Zack said, and he showed her the entire thing.
“Zack,” she said, after he finished, “you were just a kid.”
“Yes,” God said, “You did not know any better. Lessons like this one are the very purpose of life.”
“Maybe,” Zack said, “but now that I remember what I did, I’m not sure that I can ever be happy.”
“Zack,” God said, “Errol is in Heaven too. I did not tell you because the time was not right. But you can apologize to him in person, you can fix this.”
“Lilly, maybe I should. Maybe we should stay with God.”
“No Zack! He lied to us! He tried to control our minds! He promised he wouldn’t, and then he did it anyway.”
“God,” Zack said, “even if I apologized, I would still always know what I did… what I am.”
“I could take away the memory.”
Zack pondered this. “No, that’s not right either. Somehow, I think it’s important for me to remember.”
“Then keep the memory, Zack. There are no easy answers in life.”
“Lilly, I think we should stay.
”
“No Zack. You can stay, but I’m leaving. God lied to us, and I’ve had enough of it.”
Lilly, what makes you think we even have an option? Didn’t you hear the rap? Jeez, if ever there was a time to be humble…
“I don’t live my life in fear Zack. Didn’t do it before God, not gonna do it now. He won’t hurt us, don’t worry. He knows he was wrong; he knows that hurting us now would be even more wrong.”
“But –”
“Come with me. Don’t you want to see the other worlds? Don’t you want to read from the book and learn what other secrets God has kept from us? Don’t you want to have babies?”
Zack looked at Lilly and remembered just how deeply he loved her. He loved her ideals, her passion… her fierce, wild rage. He loved the way that she always tried to do good. He loved the way that she cared so much for others. He loved the way that she always knew what she believed in and was willing to fight for it. She was the most unique, unfathomable being on Heaven, Limbo, or any other planet in the mind of God. There was no other Lilly, there never could be. She was too much for any man, but he had to try.
“Zack,” she said, “I love you.”
“Ok Lilly, I’ll go… if God lets us.”
“Ha!” she said. “Do you see that? He’s coming with me!” The words dribbled over her chin. She grinned, eyes wide, with sick delight. “We reject you God. Leave us.”
A sad, failing, degraded look spread across God’s face. Zack had only seen such a look once before in his life. God stared for a few seconds. Then he left.
22
The walls of the ship reappeared, bringing with them a tall Caucasian man and a simple steel table with three chairs. The man had black hair and plain green military-style clothing. He was standing. “Aloha,” he said slyly. “Did you know that it means both hello and goodbye?”
Zack and Lilly laughed nervously.
“Please, let us sit.”
The Alpha and the Omega: An absurd philosophical tale about God, the end of the world, and what's on the other planets Page 22