by Avani Gregg
The crazy makeup looks came later, but they were also self-taught. Some people wear their heart on their sleeve. Me? I wear mine on my face. Every emotion, everything I’m wrestling with or stressing about, I express it through my makeup. It’s always been my art. When I was eleven, I would spend every cent of my allowance on eyeshadow palettes, brushes, lipsticks, and liners. At the time, I was just playing around; I loved drawing, and this was a way to throw my artwork from paper to my face. It was basically the same—lines and colors, shading and blending. The only difference? It was alive. And in drawing and painting on myself, art became a lot more personal. It became who I am, not just what I did. It became an extension of my inner self.
Makeup is a great outlet for me—I highly recommend it. My mom showed me the basics and I watched a few people on YouTube, but then I figured things out on my own. I was not educated in face paint or special FX makeup. I just threw lines on my face and experimented. Some things worked, some didn’t, but I grew very comfortable just picking up a brush and going to town on my face. I would never copy exactly what another makeup artist did. I feel like that’s disrespecting their art. So when fans started copying my work, I got really upset. “Are they making fun of me?” Truly, that’s where my mind always goes when my insecurity kicks in. Each of my looks had a very personal meaning, so I worried that when fans knocked them off, they were taking a direct hit at me. It made me doubt if I wanted to post anymore. “Voni, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.” That’s another wise ol’ saying my parents like to bat at me. Eventually, I learned to see that I was inspiring people, and that felt a whole lot better than assuming I was the butt of their jokes.
Clown Girl was actually born out of a dare. It was June 2019, and I was hanging out with a friend, scrolling through videos, when I found the “Clown Check!” audio edit of “Hokus Pokus” by Insane Clown Posse. “That’s cool,” I said, and the wheels started turning. It wasn’t the first time I had done clown makeup on myself, and I could see how this sound might work for me. I feel that the sound often inspires the makeup—it triggers an idea that I can springboard off of.
“Ew,” my friend groaned. “I hate that TikTok trend. It’s creepy. Don’t do it.”
She should have known better. Now I had to prove her wrong. Not only could the sound work, but I could do a makeup look based upon it and see how people would react to it. I knew I wanted to make the transition from my own face to clown face very dramatic, so I painted red and blue stars over my eyes and put in white contacts so my pupils disappeared. I painted on a twisted red mouth, a red nose, and a blue tongue. I looked kind of possessed, which was the idea. Sinister, demonic, crazeeee! The whole video is maybe fifteen seconds long, and it goes from me in no makeup and natural daylight to a clown girl shadowed in purple and laughing her head off as she sings, “Abracadabra boom shacka dae! I’m Violent J, and I’m back like a vertebrae!”
I went to bed and woke up to 2 million views! Yup, completely insane. I remember thinking, What is going on here? Is someone punking me? A lot of people thought I based the look on Harley Quinn, but I hadn’t seen the movie yet and I had no idea who the character was. They also thought that the audio was my voice, but it’s actually another girl. She got pissed at me for stealing the Clown Check crown away from her, but I can’t undo it. From that moment on, my life has never been the same. People started coming up to me all the time, recognizing me on the street. I had to quit my job as a lifeguard because I would get noticed at work and people would ask to take pictures with me. It eventually got really weird. No one even knew my name, they just called me “Clown Girl,” as in, “Hey, Clown Girl, can we make a TikTok?” or “Hey, Clown Girl, how’s it going?” My mom shook her head. “Who is this Clown Girl? Do we have to change your name to Clown Girl Gregg?” She was teasing, but it did feel like I was no longer me. It was strange and scary, but also pretty sick.
About a month later, things really began to take off. I was flying back and forth between Indiana and LA to meet brands and go to events, and my manager would let me stay in her guesthouse. It was a six-hour flight, but I had serious FOMO and never wanted to miss an opportunity. At first, my mom was cool with me being on the West Coast by myself, but then she started worrying (what moms do best). “You cannot be in LA by yourself anymore. You’re only sixteen and your father and I don’t like it.” She found a way to work remotely, and we moved into a one-bedroom apartment in LA while my dad and sisters stayed in Indiana. I know my parents thought this was a good solution, but it was hard on Mom because she was separated from her husband and kids while I was out filming and making content.
“I think if we do this, we should do it as a family,” she told me. “All of us.” So, seven months later, my dad sold our house in Indiana and moved to LA with Priya. All four of us (plus two dogs) lived in that one-bedroom apartment for a month and a half. It was a little cramped and crowded, but we were all finally together, where we belonged. Luckily, we ended up finding a five-bedroom house to rent while we searched for a home to buy.
I don’t think there was ever a moment where I said to myself, “Okay, I’m famous now.” It’s ironic that when I was designing the Clown Girl video makeup, I wanted my clown to be the star of the show. That’s where the stars around her eyes came into play. I didn’t realize it would also turn me into the star of my own show. By now, I can’t even tell you how many clown looks I’ve done—hundreds, not counting the ones I haven’t filmed that are waiting in my sketchbook. My makeup posts took on a life of their own as I began to add backstories to each video. It wasn’t just me playing around with different colors and special FX; it became a way for me to connect with people. Like I’ve said before, I can be shy and withdrawn, but when I put on makeup, I become this whole new person. The actor is unleashed!
Some people get it, and some people don’t. I get a lot of comments that are really positive like, “Wow! Preach, bebe!” or “You a baddie and you know it!” and “Hiii, Queen!” Others tell me “Just take a pill and chill” or “You look mad, whassup with that?” In the beginning, I was all about the element of mystery. I just wanted people to vibe with the look and not put too much energy into the interpretation. Then it dawned on me that maybe something more could come of this. If there was a backstory to each look, why not share it? Why not open it up for discussion, validate what others are feeling, and allow us all to connect on a much deeper level? Let me give you an example: On October 6, 2019, I posted what looked like this cute little doll makeup. The caption was, “I’m just a toy to you.” Now let’s dig a little deeper. During that time, I was ghosted by this guy and it turned into a big social media situation. He put our private business out there and made me look like the bad guy. So this post was my reaction to that. I felt played. Get it? Toy? Play?
Another time, I posted a similar doll look, but I had my mouth taped up and cotton coming out of it. The caption was, “Your favorite candy’s cotton and that’s why your teeth are rotten.” That’s from a Melanie Martinez song (love her), and the post was based on some shoots that I did with a brand that originally told me to be myself and do what I wanted to do. Then they were throwing these words in my mouth, making me say things that I didn’t want to say, things that didn’t feel like me. I know that when you sign a contract with a brand, you have a professional obligation to give them what they want, but I won’t stand for someone twisting my words. That’s what the doll look was trying to say: you think you can speak for me, well, you can’t.
Sometimes my look and my comment are opposites, and that has meaning as well. During the BLM protests last summer, I felt like there was a lot of unrest in the world and it had me sad and shook. I’m not a political person and I don’t consider myself an activist, but it hit me hard, especially when people started accusing me of being “white and privileged.” I’m Mongolian, Indian, African American, and zero percent white, so I don’t know where they got that. I’ve made it perfectly clear that my family did not have a lot
of money. We had what we needed, not always what we wanted. We were not fancy-pants people, sorry to disappoint. This was a very hard time for me. I was trying to figure out if I was actually depressed because I wasn’t getting out of bed, I wasn’t eating, and I wasn’t posting. I threw this makeup face on with a really sad, frowning mouth, and posted the comment, “Happy!” My bebes picked up on it instantly: “You okay? I’m worried about you!” I wasn’t looking for sympathy, I just wanted people to know, “FYI, this is what I’m really feeling, despite the happy faces you see on social media.” It was a plea for people—me included—to be honest about their mental health. You can’t be living in today’s world and be happy all the time—you’d have to be pretty oblivious if you were. Judging from the thousands of comments, I struck a nerve. A lot of people were feeling the same way I was and, since I put it out there, we could all talk about it.
Anything and everything motivates me. It can be something I’m going through in the moment, or something I experienced a long time ago. It can be something I read or see on TV or socials. It can be something that makes me sad or angry or laugh out loud. I especially love sharing my take on something that is really popular. For example, everyone was posting covers of Olivia Rodrigo’s song “Drivers License.” It was the top trend on the TikTok Discover Page and number one on the iTunes charts. I had to go for it… my way. So I filmed myself sitting in my car, staring out the window, eating my chicken nuggets. Read into it what you will. A lot of fans asked if I had broken up with Anthony (as if), but the truth is I was hungry and sitting in the car when some dude walked by and I was watching him watch me. It just struck me as funny.
A lot of the time, my videos start with a sound. I am constantly looking for a song or clip that will inspire a makeup look. When I find one, I sketch while I’m listening; I get in my zone and see where it takes me. TikTok has given me this amazing platform to tell stories, but there are also days when I just want to post with my beb or goof around with friends. I like comedy and TikTok dances, too. I love that freedom to be who I want to be in the moment. I can make a statement, shake things up, or just be my crazy self.
Creating content can take as little as a few minutes or as long as six hours. There’s no clock ticking unless it’s a sponsored post—then I have a deadline. Sometimes I will do a single stand-alone video and other times a series. In October 2020, I decided to do my thirty-one days of Halloween (I had done them the year before, too). Each look was another step forward in a story I wanted to tell. I knew the beginning and the middle when I started, but I didn’t know where it was going to end. It began with stuff that was on my mind: I was having friendship issues with people who just weren’t answering my calls or texts. The pandemic had made it hard for us to see each other and I wasn’t doing the things that they were doing. I was trying to be responsible and smart (yeah, shame on me). So I did a really pretty makeup look and changed my eye color. I made my lips bigger and my eyebrows different and wrote, “Don’t change for anyone.”
The next video after that was titled, “If I Could Change, Would I?” It was a full clown look with hearts around the eyes, nose, and mouth, different hair, same contacts, me slowly changing into someone I didn’t want to be. Then came, “I’m like a Glitch,” a black liquid look. This was a reference to how people hate glitches, like ones you might see on TV. It was basically a message for my haters because at that time everyone was invested in my looks. Then I posted “Visibility” with black liquid coming out of my eyes. My eyes were blacked out and stuff was coming out of my mouth. It was supposed to be the old me dripping out of my face. I did a very creepy smile with long, sharp teeth and white contacts and captioned it, “All smiles here,” which represented me playing a part I didn’t want to play. The last video was a full clown look with my mouth stapled. That was me giving up, telling my bebes, “I can’t do it anymore.”
All of these looks were me sorting through my emotions, and that was one long and torturous therapy session. It was taking a lot out of me and I just couldn’t go on with it for the whole month. I was trying to be honest and also give voice to other people’s struggles. But I didn’t really have a plan. Sometimes I sketched it, sometimes I didn’t, because I was just so in the moment. I was going with the flow of my emotions, which scared me, because looking at my TikTok feed, they were all sitting there together. If you want to really understand me, look at my makeup, because I paint it all over my face. Sometimes it’s a whisper, sometimes it’s a primal scream, but the looks are always me saying something about what I am going through. The Halloween ones were me baring all in a way I’d never done before, probably because I was feeling so confused and sad, and it was my way of processing. Even when my face is completely made up, sometimes beyond recognition, I’m exposing myself, stripping myself down until my emotions are right there on the surface for all to see.
When I’m working on one of my looks, I get totally in the zone. I might close my door and not come out for hours. My family knows not to disturb me because I get nasty if they knock or make any noise. I hate to be interrupted and I do warn them: “Everyone, I’m doing my makeup. You know what that means.” I shut the world out, turn off all the overhead lights, put on my LED lights and one ring light, and get to work. I’ve filmed the process a few times, showing the before and after and how it gets from one stage to another. I even posted a video in 2018 where I was crying in the middle of filming. It just had so much meaning and I couldn’t hold it back. I thought my followers should see that and understand that I emotionally invest in each video. This is not just playing around for me; it’s pouring my heart and soul out. It can be very intense and kinda terrifying, but I am willing to do it for me, for you, and for everyone who needs it. It’s about my audience as much as it is about me. I don’t own these emotions; we all have them.
The best part? After you put it all out there, after you let your art speak volumes for you, you can just wipe it off. That control comes in handy when the emotion is fear or anger or backstabbing betrayal. Just like that, it’s gone. Makeup is therapy for me. It brings me to a place of peace, where I can tell myself, “I know what I’m doing.” I’m connecting my dots, literally. Without makeup, I would probably just break down because I can’t talk to people easily. I don’t know why. I haven’t figured that one out yet, and it’s been forever. But makeup has given me a voice that is powerful and far-reaching. Some people write, some dance, some sing, some play an instrument. It doesn’t matter what you do or what skill level you’re at, everyone needs that outlet. Having a creative outlet can fill a big hole in your life and distract you from things that stress you out. Without makeup, I would be like my mom’s pasta cooking on the stove with the lid on. If I didn’t have an outlet, some way to take that lid off, I’d boil over and be a big, hot mess.
A lot of my bebes ask me, “What do I have to do to get a video to blow up?” or “What do I got to do to get famous?” For some people, yes, you get lucky and you blow up on one video. Then, hopefully, you can keep that up and build on it. But it can’t be all about the views. It gets tired really fast. The answer is simply to express yourself, whether it’s on social media or any other way, shape, or form—as long as you like it. Success comes from loving what you do. Not sure what you wanna dive into? Expose yourself to all sorts of possibilities. Try a bunch of things and see what sticks—it’s as simple as that. It can be a hobby, a curiosity, a talent, or something that just brings a smile to your face. It doesn’t matter what you do. Irish step dance, anyone? Pottery? Pancake flipping? Pokémon? My little sis draws dragons, and she is darn good at it, so there you go. Shanti has a positive series on her platform. She posts little videos of things that are positive, like sending gifts to residents in a nursing home. Anthony loves to play video games. My dad loves BMX bike riding. My mom loves to hike and be outside whenever she can. My aunt Hemali loves to cook and share her videos. Whatever you choose should inspire and excite you. You can take lessons or teach yourself—there are p
lenty of how-to videos that will break it down. You don’t have to be Clown Girl (it’s kinda taken…). You can be Dance Boy or Poetry Person or Nobody Knows and I Ain’t Telling. Write your own narrative and character description. My point here? Find your fun and fabulousness. Don’t overthink it; let it flow. It’s there. I see it in you, and I see it in me. Whenever I am feeling stuck or blocked, when I’m empty or on autopilot, I remind myself to dig deep and get back to the thing that makes me feel alive again. Clown Girl isn’t all of me, but she’s a keeper.
Run It Back: Who Needs a Creative Outlet?
We all do, trust me on this. Having a way to express myself is not just a fun distraction, it’s a form of loving and caring for myself. Since I love and care deeply about my bebes, I want you to find yourself a way to channel your creativity. This is my advice on how to get started and the things you need to ask yourself on your outlet-seeking adventure. But YOU need to put what you learn into play, got it? Don’t just answer, take action.
What makes you happy? It’s a simple question, right? What puts a smile on your face and brings you joy? My mom likes hiking, Dad is into biking, my grandparents like gardening, and Anthony loves fashion (like me). It can be something artsy or scientific; it might be cooking or redecorating your room. Think outside the box here; you don’t have to be a painter or pianist, I know plenty of peeps who customize Air Force 1s, bead bracelets, or make smoothie bowls. I’m in awe of it all.
What makes you “you-nique”? There is always something that is you and you alone, something that makes you an individual like no other. What do you do better or just plain differently than anyone you know? Explore those possibilities, because that’s your special sauce. In a world of ranch and honey mustard, whip up your signature dip.