Sawyer couldn’t sleep. Every time she closed her eyes, she could see the faces of everyone she’d lost. Her parents. Stella. Tess. Liam. Corbin. He might not be dead, but he was as lost to her as if he were. His voice was hard when he spoke to her, if he spoke to her at all. His eyes lacked the spark of humor they used to hold. He snapped at her constantly. He was so angry. She couldn’t imagine going on an actual mission with the way things stood between them. She knew why Conrad wouldn’t sign off on it. They were a liability to the rest of the team. She thought about asking for a reassignment. Conrad might sign off on it, even if Gwynn wouldn’t. It would make things easier on everyone else. But no. She’d told Bree and Declan the night of Benson’s attack that she would protect them. That meant she couldn’t abandon them now. She would have to find a way to work with Corbin.
She sat on the edge of her bed and surveyed her small bedroom by the soft glow from the bedside lamp. She took a breath and pushed a hand through her messy blonde waves. With the ease of long practice, she twisted it into a bun on top of her head and secured it with the elastic band around her wrist. Standing, she walked over to the dresser that stood along the opposite wall and picked up the framed photograph that sat on it. She studied the people in the picture. Although she recognized them all, had known them all her life, they felt like strangers to her.
Rowan and Corbin stood side–by–side, flanked by Sawyer and Stella. All four of them wore brilliant smiles. The photo had been taken less than 2 years ago, but Sawyer was struck by how young they all looked. How naïve and foolish they’d been. All of them had grown up in the compound together, learning the history of Ephraim and his self–proclaimed war against all Praetorians. They just knew that they would be the ones to stop him. Their team would succeed where all others had failed. They’d been so stupid.
She missed being that stupid. She was 22 years old and she felt ancient just then. She walked from the room, carrying the photo. In the kitchen, she took a beer from the fridge and twisted off the top. She sat on the couch and sipped her beer, still gazing at the photo, lost in the memories of the person she used to be.
A knock on the door startled her out of her thoughts. It was late and she debated ignoring it and just hoping they’d leave her alone. The knock came again. It was a familiar pattern this time—one that she hadn’t heard in months. Her throat tightened and she wasn’t sure what emotion she felt. Before she realized what she was doing, she’d already walked to the door and opened it. Corbin was standing there. Neither of them spoke, but they looked at one another for a long moment. For once, he didn’t look angry when he looked at her. He looked tired. Ragged and beaten. Unfamiliar. She let him in.
Corbin walked into Sawyer’s quarters, his mind flooded with memories. He’d spent so much time here, before. The whole team would hang out here, laughing, drinking, playing cards, watching movies. He’d almost forgotten those times, but now they came rushing back and he felt his mouth twitch into an involuntary smile even as his gut clenched with sadness. He walked to the couch and sat, noticing a beer bottle and a framed photo on the coffee table. Leaning forward, he picked up the photo and studied it. He remembered posing for the picture, feeling strong and fearless. It hadn’t been all that long ago, but it felt like a different lifetime.
“This was a good day,” he said quietly, not looking at Sawyer who still stood near the door, studying him.
“It was,” she said softly. “Feels like another life.”
He nodded and carefully placed the frame next to the half empty bottle of beer. Without a word, he picked up the bottle and downed its contents in two long pulls. Sawyer was taken aback by that familiar act. Corbin used to always steal her drink if he found it unattended. She nearly smiled, but she was too exhausted and confused by his presence in her living room.
“Corbin, why did you come here tonight?” she finally asked, exhaustion evident in her voice.
He looked up from the empty bottle he held and met her gaze. The intensity in his gray eyes had the same effect as always, but she didn’t look away. “I didn’t come here to fight,” he said. “I’m so tired of fighting. I’m just so tired.” He placed the empty bottle on the table and rubbed his eyes. Looking back at her, he said, “I came here to see if we can put the past behind us. We need to try to move forward. For the team.” His words made perfect sense, but Sawyer felt the sting regardless.
Hadn’t she just been thinking that she wished things could go back to the way they were before? And all he wanted was to forget the past and move on? She tried to tamp down the anger that welled inside her at his words.
Corbin said, “I know so much has happened, but we have to be able to work together. I know I haven’t been easy to deal with. Maybe we can start fresh?”
She gave a humorless laugh at this. “Start fresh?” she asked, her voice incredulous. “Corbin, you can’t just erase 15 years of history! Do you really believe that’s possible?” He opened his mouth to respond, but she didn’t give him a chance. “Is that what you really want? To just forget everything we’ve been through? Well, I can’t do that.” Her voice was rising and she hated that they were arguing again, but she couldn’t stop. “I won’t. What happened, happened. We lost Stella and that was horrible. It hurt. It nearly killed me but I got through it.” Her fists were clenched at her sides and she was so tense she thought she might break. She went on, “And Rowan. He lost the love of his life that night but he kept going. He managed to pull himself together and keep fighting. I’m sorry, Corbin.” She heard the break in her voice and ignored it. She felt the tears prick at the back of her eyes and tried to blink them away. “I’m sorry I let Liam and Tess die. I’m so sorry I couldn’t save them.” The tears finally spilled over and rolled down her cheeks. She gave in and buried her face in her hands. She hated herself for crying in front of him. She hated showing weakness but she couldn’t stop the sobs that came from her throat. She’d held it together for so long, but the dam had broken and now she couldn’t stop the flow of tears.
Corbin was stunned. Is that what she thought? That he blamed her for Tess and Liam dying? He looked to where she was standing, her face in her hands, shoulders shaking with sobs. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen Sawyer cry. He hated to see her hurting. Even now, after all the anger that had been between them. He could see the faint beginnings of bruises on her arms from their sparring match earlier and felt a new wave of guilt assault him. Before he realized it, he’d stood and walked over to her. He couldn’t help it. He wrapped her in his arms, ignoring the way she tensed in surprise and pulled her head down to rest on his chest. He rubbed her back in slow, soothing circles. After a minute, she moved her hands from her face and wrapped them around his waist, holding him tightly against her. God, he’d missed this. He’d missed her. He hadn’t let himself admit it, even inside his own head, but he missed having her around. He missed their friendship, their closeness, their camaraderie.
She’d always been the person he could count on. For as long as they’d known one another, they’d had a strong connection. Neither of them had acknowledged it aloud, but he knew she felt it too. He didn’t know how long they stood there, neither speaking or moving. Her cheek rested against his chest, her head tucked under his chin. He’d never imagined Sawyer as a fragile person, but right then, she felt breakable. She’d stopped crying but he heard her sniffle occasionally as he continued to stroke his hand along her back. Her arms were locked tight around him, clinging to him as though he might disappear if she let go. He knew they needed to talk, to work things out, but for now, he was content to stand there holding her for as long as she’d let him. He closed his eyes and focused on the feel of her in his arms.
Sawyer didn’t know why Corbin had come to her and put his arms around her. Before today, he hadn’t touched her deliberately since she’d returned to the compound. He barely looked her way or acknowledged her presence unless he was hurling insults and angry words at her. She hated herself for crying in front o
f him. She hated herself for leaning into his arms, for taking the comfort he offered. She was still angry at him. Wasn’t she? She didn’t know what she felt anymore. She was so tired of being angry, of being strong. She couldn’t pretend anymore. She’d lost too many people over the last year and suddenly it had all become too much. The walls she’d built inside her head to hold back all the memories were suddenly gone.
After what might have been minutes or hours, she realized that her tears had stopped. She also realized that her arms were locked tightly around Corbin’s waist. When had that happened? She didn’t remember moving her arms, but she must have done so. He felt good in her arms, his chest solid beneath her cheek, his heart beating strong and steady in her ear. She had a sudden memory of his pale body lying in the bed in Medical all those months ago. The day she’d said goodbye, convinced he would never wake. She shuddered involuntarily against him, suddenly grateful all over again that they’d all been wrong. No matter how wrong everything had become between the two of them, she was incredibly thankful that he was alive. She loosened her arms and pulled away from him slowly and he let her go.
Embarrassed, Sawyer kept her gaze down as she wiped her face with her hands. “I’m sorry,” she finally said, her voice husky from crying. She turned her back to him as she spoke. “I’m not sure where that came from,” she tried to make her tone polite and neutral. “It won’t happen again.”
Corbin felt another wave of guilt wash over him. He seemed to be drowning in a sea of it lately. This is what his anger had turned Sawyer into. This stranger who was afraid to show emotions around him. He sighed. “Sawyer,” he said, “don’t. I’m sorry. I’m so angry all the time and I don’t even know why most of the time. I don’t want to be.” She turned to face him and he only looked at her, his eyes pleading. He wished he could find the words to explain what he was feeling. “I’m sorry,” he said instead, his voice low.
Sawyer wished she knew what he was thinking. Was he apologizing for his behavior toward her since she’d returned? Or was it something else? They’d both been through so much and had never talked about it. Sawyer had kept the events of that night locked inside her, not discussing the details, even with Rowan. She and Corbin had been on the mission together, but had never had a chance to talk over what happened. As much as it hurt to think about, she thought that maybe it was what they needed. She gestured to the couch. “Let’s sit,” she said. Corbin didn’t question her, but moved to sit back down on the couch.
Sawyer took in a deep, shaky breath and let it out in a rush. She nervously wiped her hands on the legs of her yoga pants, trying to decide where to start. Finally, she spoke. “We were pinned down. It was dark. Bullets were flying everywhere and I could hear Tess on the radio asking for backup.” Her voice was quiet, barely above a whisper. Corbin tensed beside her as he realized what she was describing, but he didn’t interrupt. “She needed us, but we couldn’t go. There was no way to get to them. The building was shaking and things were exploding. The bullets suddenly stopped coming our way and I didn’t know why. I know now that it was because they’d rigged the whole building to go up and they were evacuating. We stayed low, trying to make sure no one else was going to shoot at us.” Sawyer’s gaze was on the floor, but she wasn’t seeing the wood there. She was seeing that night. The smoke and fire and bullets filled her mind and she spoke without really being aware of her words. “You shoved me away from you. I landed hard against a metal cabinet. When I looked back, you were gone. I didn’t understand it at first. The whole area looked different. I finally realized that there had been another explosion and the wall and part of the ceiling had caved in on you. My ears were ringing. The dust and smoke was so thick I could barely breathe. I screamed your name over and over. I started digging. I didn’t know if you were alive. I just had to find you. When I finally got to you, you were breathing but you wouldn’t wake up. Your head was bleeding. I couldn’t tell how badly hurt you were. But you were alive. That was the most important thing. When the ringing in my ears calmed down a little, Tess was back in my ear calling for us to help her and Liam. She might have been calling for help the whole time. I don’t know. They needed me. I knew I had a choice. I could drag you out of the building and go back for them or I could leave you there and go help them.”
She stopped speaking, her brow drawn low in thought. She swallowed hard and her voice was less steady when she continued. “I knew what you would have ordered me to do. I knew it. I knew that both options were a risk. The building was coming down around us and there was no guarantee that I’d be able to get myself out in time, let alone any of you. I knew what you would have wanted. I thought about it. I did. I looked at you lying there and I considered leaving you to go help them. I couldn’t do it.” The last was said in a whisper and she turned to look at him. His dark brows were drawn low and he had a haunted look in his eyes. “They died because of me,” she whispered. Tears filled her eyes again but she closed them tightly and took several deep breaths. When she continued, her voice was stronger. “I pulled you out and away from the building. I turned to go back in but before I made it 5 steps, the building exploded. The whole thing was on fire. I couldn’t get near it. I called for Tess and Liam on the radio, hoping they’d made it out another exit. There was nothing. I searched the area for as long as I dared. I needed to get you help. I needed to get us away from there before someone else showed up. I didn’t know what else to do. I brought you home.” She deliberately left out mention of Rafe in her story. He had risked a lot by coming to help Jon when she’d called him. She wouldn’t put him at further risk.
Corbin hadn’t spoken at all since she’d begun her story and she wondered what he was thinking. She studied his face for a moment as he looked down at his hands. She’d grown so used to the anger in his expression when she was around that it was almost strange to see it missing from his face now. He looked sad and almost as though he were in pain.
“Sawyer,” he said quietly, turning his head to look at her directly. His mouth opened and closed again. He didn’t know how to say what needed to be said. “I’m sorry,” he said simply. “I wish—I mean, I didn’t know. I should have asked.” He was fumbling for words and realized he wasn’t making any sense. Sawyer was looking at him in confusion. “It’s not your fault,” he finally said. “Tess and Liam,” he said. “Their deaths aren’t on you. It was my call to take the mission. I was responsible for the team. I got them killed.” Sawyer’s face showed her disbelief at this statement. She shook her head and opened her mouth to speak but Corbin stalled her with a hand. “No wait,” he said. “Let me finish.” She closed her mouth and let him speak.
“I was so focused on revenge for Stella that I let it blind me. I didn’t see everything else. You saw it. You knew the mission was wrong from the start but I bullied you into coming along. I think about the days leading up to that night all the time. If I’d just listened to you, so much would be different now. Tess and Liam. You and me. Everything is so wrong now and I’m the one to blame. When I woke up I was so angry and hurt because you left. I thought for sure you blamed me for their deaths. That you left to punish me. Not that I blamed you. I was angry at myself too. I let all that anger and guilt and grief build up inside me. I should have died that night instead of them. I was so pissed at you for choosing me instead of them. I know that’s guilt talking but it’s there just the same.” His elbows rested on his knees and he brought his hands up to cradle his head for a moment, burying his fingers in his hair.
Sawyer hated to see him hurting. She wanted more than anything to tell him that he was wrong. That it was no one’s fault. It was a shitty mission with a shitty outcome and sometimes bad things just happen. Sometimes there is no one to blame. You can’t focus on the pain and guilt. You have to go on living. Sometimes that’s the worst part of losing someone, trying to go on without being dragged down by the memories of what was lost. But she didn’t say any of those things. She knew it wouldn’t make a difference. He’d heard it a
ll already. Instead, she reached over and put her hand on his shoulder, giving it a squeeze.
Corbin turned and met her gaze, the pain evident in his gray eyes. She didn’t speak. She just looked at him with sad understanding in her eyes. After a moment, he closed his eyes and reached up to place his hand on top of hers. It was a start, she thought. “We’re going to be okay,” she said softly. He nodded and opened his eyes to look at her. Before she knew what was happening, he pulled her to him in a tight hug. Startled, she returned the hug, wrapping her arms around him, marveling at how much she’d missed him.
She felt him sigh in her arms and smiled. “I missed you so much,” he whispered into her neck. She felt her heart clench at his words and her smile grew. This was what had been missing since she’d come home.
“I missed you too,” she said. “More than I can say.”
They sat that way for a long moment, half turned toward each other, her face buried in his neck, his arms holding her tightly. Eventually, he stirred, loosening his grip on her and easing slowly away from her. Sawyer focused on the feel of his broad shoulders under the soft cotton of his shirt. His hands lingered on her waist as they pulled away from one another. She felt her nerve endings come alive at the warmth of his touch, even through the fabric of her own shirt. Her stomach did a little flip as she looked in Corbin’s eyes. She heard distant alarm bells ringing inside her head. That wasn’t supposed to happen.
Now that they were no longer fighting, Corbin found that he didn’t want to let Sawyer go. He was shocked at how good it felt to hold her in his arms. He found himself lost in her green eyes. His hand came up to cradle her cheek before he even realized it had moved. Her breath hitched and he felt her lean slightly into his touch. The moment stretched out longer as they simply looked at one another, each waiting for the other to do something. Each of them afraid to move. Corbin was shocked at the sudden desire within him. His gaze travelled lower and landed on her full lips. If he leaned forward slightly, he could kiss her. It would be so easy. His thumb stroked gently across the soft skin of her cheek. His face moved closer to hers without any decision on his part. She made no move to pull away from him, although her eyes widened slightly.
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