July 3
Directness
So much of our communication can reflect our need to control. We say what we think others want to hear. We try to keep others from getting angry, feeling afraid, going away, or disliking us. But our need to control traps us into feeling like victims and martyrs.
Freedom is just a few words away. Those words are our truths. We can say what we need to say. We can gently, but assertively, speak our mind.
Let go of your need to control. We do not need to be judgmental, tactless, blaming, or cruel when we speak our truths. Neither do we need to hide our light. Let go, and freely be who you are.
Today, I will be honest with myself and others, knowing that if I don't, my truth will come out some other way.
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July 4
Celebrate
Take time to celebrate.
Celebrate your successes, your growth, your accomplishments. Celebrate you and who you are.
For too long you have been too hard on yourself. Others have spilled their negative energy—their attitudes, beliefs, pain—on you. It had nothing to do with you! All along, you have been a gift to yourself and to the Universe.
You are a child of God. Beautiful, a delight, a joy. You do not have to try harder, be better, be perfect, or be anything you are not. Your beauty is in you, just as you are each moment.
Celebrate that.
When you have a success, when you accomplish something, enjoy it. Pause, reflect, rejoice. Too long you have listened to admonitions not to feel good about what you have done, lest you travel the downward road to arrogance.
Celebration is a high form of praise, of gratitude to the Creator for the beauty of God's creation. To enjoy and celebrate the good does not mean that it will be taken from you. To celebrate is to delight in the gift, to show gratitude.
Celebrate your relationships! Celebrate the lessons from the past and the love and warmth that is there today. Enjoy the beauty of others and their connection to you.
Celebrate all that is in your life. Celebrate all that is good. Celebrate you!
Today, I will indulge in the joy of celebrating.
July 5
Survivor Guilt
We begin recovering. We begin taking care of ourselves. Our recovery program starts to work in our life, and we begin to feel good about ourselves.
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Then it hits. Guilt.
Whenever we begin to experience the fullness and joy of life, we may feel guilty about those we've left behind—those not recovering, those still in pain. This survivor guilt is a symptom of codependency.
We may think about the husband we've divorced who is still drinking. We may dwell on a child, grown or adult, still in pain. We may get a phone call from a nonrecovering parent who relates his or her misery to us. And we feel pulled into their pain.
How can we feel so happy, so good, when those we love are still in misery? Can we really break away and lead satisfying lives, despite their circumstances? Yes, we can.
And yes, it hurts to leave behind those we love. But keep moving forward anyway. Be patient. Other people's recovery is not our job. We cannot make them recover.
We cannot make them happy.
We may ask why we were chosen for a fuller life. We may never know the answer. Some may catch up in their own time, but their recovery is not our business. The only recovery we can truly claim is our own.
We can let go of others with love, and love ourselves without guilt.
Today, I am willing to work through my sadness and guilt. I will let myself be healthy and happy, even though someone I love has not chosen the same path.
July 6
Step Seven
Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
—Step Seven of AlAnon
In the Sixth and Seventh Steps of the program, we become willing to let go of our defects of character—issues, behaviors, Page 190
old feelings, unresolved grief, and beliefs that are blocking us from the joy that is ours. Then we ask God to take them from us.
Isn't that simple? We don't have to contort ourselves to make ourselves change. We don't have to force change. For once, we don't have to ''do it ourselves." All we have to do is strive for an attitude of willingness and humility. All we have to do is ask God for what we want and need, and then trust God to do for us that which we cannot do and do not have to do for ourselves.
We do not have to watch with bated breath for how and when we shall change. This is not a selfhelp program. In this miraculous and effective program that has brought about recovery and change for millions, we become changed by working the Steps.
Today, God, help me surrender to recovery and to the process by which I become changed. Help me focus on the Step I need. Help me do my part, relax, and allow the rest to happen.
July 7
Getting It All Out
Let yourself have a good gripe session.
—Woman, Sex, and Addiction
Charlotte Davis Kasl, Ph.D.
Get it out. Go ahead. Get it all out. Once we begin recovery, we may feel like it's not okay to gripe and complain. We may tell ourselves that if we were really working a good program, we wouldn't need to complain.
What does that mean? We won't have feelings? We won't feel overwhelmed? We won't need to blow off steam or work through some notsopleasant, notsoperfect, and notsopretty parts of life?
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We can let ourselves get our feelings out, take risks, and be vulnerable with others. We don't have to be all put together, all the time. That sounds more like codependency than recovery.
Getting it all out doesn't mean we need to be victims. It doesn't mean we need to revel in our misery, finding status in our martyrdom. It doesn't mean we won't go on to set boundaries. It doesn't mean we won't take care of ourselves.
Sometimes, getting it all out is an essential part of taking care of ourselves. We reach a point of surrender so we can move forward.
Selfdisclosure does not mean only quietly reporting our feelings. It means we occasionally take the risk to share our human side—the side with fears, sadness, hurt, rage, unreasonable anger, weariness, or lack of faith.
We can let our humanity show. In the process, we give others permission to be human too. "Together" people have their notsotogether moments. Sometimes, falling apart getting it all out—is how we get put back together.
Today, I will let it all out if I need a release.
July 8
Going with the Flow
Go with the flow.
Let go of fear and your need to control. Relinquish anxiety. Let it slip away, as you dive into the river of the present moment, the river of your life, your place in the universe.
Stop trying to force the direction. Try not to swim against the current, unless it is necessary for your survival. If you've been clinging to a branch at the riverside, let go.
Let yourself move forward. Let yourself be moved forward.
Avoid the rapids when possible. If you can't, stay relaxed. Staying relaxed can take you safely through fierce currents.
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If you go under for a moment, allow yourself to surface naturally. You will.
Appreciate the beauty of the scenery, as it is. See things with freshness, with newness. You shall never pass by today's scenery again!
Don't think too hard about things. The flow is meant to be experienced. Within it, care for yourself. You are part of the flow, an important part. Work with the flow.
Work within the flow. Thrashing about isn't necessary. Let the flow help you care for yourself. Let it help you set boundaries, make decisions, and get you where you need to be when it is time.
You can trust the flow, and your part in it.
Today, I will go with the flow.
July 9
Overspending and Underspending
I used to beat my husband to death with my credit card. It made me feel like I had some control, some way to get e
ven with him.
—Anonymous
I spent ten years buying everything for myself at garage sales. I didn't even buy myself a new pair of shoes. The entire time I was depriving myself, my husband was gambling, speculating on risky business deals, and doing whatever he wanted with money. I learned that when I made a decision that I deserved to have the things I wanted, and made a decision
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to buy something I wanted, there was enough money to do it. It wasn't about being frugal; it was about depriving myself, and being a martyr.
—Anonymous
Compulsive buying or overspending may give us a temporary feeling of power or satisfaction, but like other outofcontrol behaviors, it has predictable negative consequences.
Underspending can leave us feeling victimized too.
There is a difference between responsible spending and martyred deprivation. There is a difference between treating ourselves well financially and overspending. We can learn to discern that difference. We can develop responsible spending habits that reflect high selfesteem and love for ourselves.
Today, I will strive for balance in my spending habits. If I am overspending, I will stop and deal with what's going on inside me. If I am underspending or depriving myself, I will ask myself if that's necessary and what I want.
July 10
Ending Relationships
It takes courage and honesty to end a relationship—with friends, loved ones, or a work relationship.
Sometimes, it may appear easier to let the relationship die from lack of attention rather than risk ending it. Sometimes, it may appear easier to let the other person take responsibility for ending the relationship.
We may be tempted to take a passive approach. Instead of saying how we feel, what we want or don't want, or what we intend to do, we may begin sabotaging the relationship, hoping to force the other person to do the difficult work.
Those are ways to end relationships, but they are not the cleanest or the easiest ways.
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As we walk this path of selfcare, we learn that when it is time to end a relationship, the easiest way is one of honesty and directness. We are not being loving, gentle, or kind by avoiding the truth, if we know the truth.
We are not sparing the other person's feelings by sabotaging the relationship instead of accepting the end or the change, and doing something about it. We are prolonging and increasing the pain and discomfort—for the other person and ourselves.
If we don't know, if we are on the fence, it is more loving and honest to say that.
If we know it is time to terminate a relationship, say that.
Endings are never easy, but endings are not made easy by sabotage, indirectness, and lying about what we want and need to do.
Say what you need to say, in honesty and love, when it is time. If we are trusting and listening to ourselves, we will know what to say and when to say it.
Today, I will remember that honesty and directness will increase my selfesteem. God, help me let go of my fear about owning my power to take care of myself in all my relationships.
July 11
Bring any request you have to God.
No request is too large; none too small or insignificant.
How often we limit God by not bringing to God everything we want and need.
Do we need help getting our balance? Getting through the day?
Do we need help in a particular relationship? With a particular character defect? Attaining a character asset?
Do we need help making progress on a particular task that is challenging us? Do we need help with a feeling? Do we Page 195
want to change a selfdefeating belief that has been challenging us? Do we need information, an insight? Support? A friend?
Is there something in God's Universe that would really bring us joy?
We can ask for it. We can ask God for whatever we want. Put the request in God's hands, trusting it has been heard, then let it go. Leave the decision to God.
Asking for what we want and need is taking care of ourselves. Trust that the Higher Power to whom we have turned over our life and will really does care about us and about what we want and need.
Today, I will ask my Higher Power for what I want and need. I will not demand—I will ask. Then I will let go.
July 12
Letting Go of Fear of Abandonment
"Where are you, God? Where did you go?"
So many people have gone away. We may have felt so alone so much. In the midst of our struggles and lessons, we may wonder if God has gone away too.
There are wondrous days when we feel God's protection and presence, leading and guiding each step and event. There are gray, dry days of spiritual barrenness when we wonder if anything in our life is guided or planned. Wondering if God knows or cares.
Seek quiet times on the gray days. Force discipline and obedience until the answer comes, because it will.
"I have not gone away child. I am here, always. Rest in me, in confidence. All in your life is being guided and planned, each detail. I know, and I care. Things are being worked out as quickly as possible for your highest good. Trust and be grateful. I am right here. Soon you will see, and know"
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Today, I will remember that God has not abandoned me. I can trust that God is leading, guiding, directing, and planning in love each detail of my life.
July 13
God as We Understand God
God is subtle, but he is not malicious.
—Albert Einstein
Recovery is an intensely spiritual process that asks us to grow in our understanding of God. Our understanding may have been shaped by early religious experiences or the beliefs of those around us. We may wonder if God is as shaming and frightening as people can be. We may feel as victimized or abandoned by God as we have by people from our past.
Trying to understand God may boggle our mind because of what we have learned and experienced so far in our life.
We can learn to trust God, anyway.
I have grown and changed in my understanding of this Power greater than myself. My understanding has not grown on an intellectual level, but because of what I have experienced since I turned my life and my will over to the care of God, as I understood, or rather didn't understand, God.
God is real. Loving. Good. Caring. God wants to give us all the good we can handle. The more we turn our mind and heart toward a positive understanding of God, the more God validates us.
The more we thank God for who God is, who we are, and the exact nature of our present circumstances, the more God acts in our behalf.
In fact, all along, God planned to act in our behalf.
God is Creator, Benefactor, and Source. God has shown me, beyond all else, that how I come to understand God is not nearly as important as knowing that God understands me.
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Today, I will be open to growing in my understanding of my Higher Power. I will be open to letting go of old, limiting, negative beliefs about God. No matter how I understand God, I will be grateful that God understands me.
July 14
We Are Lovable
Even if the most important person in your world rejects you, you are still real, and you are still okay.
—Codependent No More
Do you ever find yourself thinking: How could anyone possibly love me? For many of us, this is a deeply ingrained belief that can become a selffulfilling prophecy.
Thinking we are unlovable can sabotage our relationships with coworkers, friends, family members, and other loved ones. This belief can cause us to choose, or stay in, relationships that are less than we deserve because we don't believe we deserve better. We may become desperate and cling as if a particular person was our last chance at love. We may become defensive and push people away. We may withdraw or constantly overreact.
While growing up, many of us did not receive the unconditional love we deserved. Many of us were abandoned or neglected by important
people in our life. We may have concluded that the reason we weren't loved was because we were unlovable. Blaming ourselves is an understandable reaction, but an inappropriate one. If others couldn't love us, or love us in ways that worked, that's not our fault. In recovery, we're learning to separate ourselves from the behavior of others. And we're learning to take responsibility for our healing, regardless of the people around us.
Just as we may have believed that we're unlovable, we can become skilled at practicing the belief that we are lovable. This new belief will improve the quality of our relationships.
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It will improve our most important relationship: our relationship with our self. We will be able to let others love us and become open to the love and friendship we deserve.
Today, God, help me be aware of and release any selfdefeating beliefs I have about being unlovable. Help me begin, today, to tell myself that I am lovable.
Help me practice this belief until it gets into my core and manifests itself in my relationships.
July 15
Family Buttons
I was thirtyfive years old the first time I spoke up to my mother and refused to buy into her games and manipulation. I was terribly frightened and almost couldn't believe I was doing this. I found I didn't have to be mean. I didn't have to start an argument. But I could say what I wanted and needed to say to take care of myself. I learned I could love and honor myself, and still care about my mother—the way I wanted to—not the way she wanted me to.
—Anonymous
Who knows better how to push our buttons than family members? Who, besides family members, do we give such power?
No matter how long we or our family members have been recovering, relationships with family members can be provocative.
One telephone conversation can put us in an emotional and psychological tailspin that lasts for hours or days.
Sometimes, it gets worse when we begin recovery because we become even more aware of our reactions and our discomfort. That's uncomfortable, but good. It is by beginning this process of awareness and acceptance that we change, grow, and heal.
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The process of detaching in love from family members can take years. So can the process of learning how to react in a more effective way. We cannot control what they do or try to do, but we can gain some sense of control over how we choose to react.
More Language of Letting Go: 366 New Daily Meditations Page 16